Dear Miss Emily:

 I had a girlfriend who wanted me to contact my guy for his services.  A week ago, she asked if she could buy something from him and gave me the money, but did not have enough. So she got something else.  This past weekend she called me, on Friday night, and said that she spoke with her husband and they decided to buy the original item again.  I told her the price and she said, “that’s fine” and that tomorrow she could get it after her husband came home. She called me Saturday morning asking if I spoke with him, so I begged my guy, once again, to come though for me, and he did.  I went to her house and she said her husband gets off at 3:30.  Around 4, he came home and she spoke to him and, then, came back down and said he changed his mind.  Now my guy is pissed at me and won't answer my calls or text.  On Monday, I saw his cousin and told him what happened and that just added fuel to the fire. Now I think I have lost him for good.  He lost out on a 125.00 product. I feel so guilty that I told him I would give him the money and he said "keep it.  It's not like I would get it anyways. Screw it!"  I understand that he is angry and upset with me and maybe he needs time.  So I think that since he won't answer my calls or texts, I was going to send the money to his job with a note.  Please help me.  I’m so torn about this issue, I don't want to lose him! And I think he thinks I am a liar and don't take his job seriously. But I do! And I feel miserable. I think if I send the money, he would know that I am truly sorry.
Done Deal

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------

Dear Done:

The odds were against this deal going through.  Some services  might be considered a luxury because, in a bad economy, this kinda thing happens. I’m not excusing your girlfriend, but it's possible her husband decided to buy gasoline, instead!  You can explain this to your meanie-weanie boyfriend when he starts talking to you, again. If you feel he really went out on a limb for you and your friend (and got soaked for the $125.00), you could send some money to him; unless he’s right about never seeing it.  However, if he can use this service for himself, or resell it, he really did react inappropriately. Bottom-line?  If your boyfriend wants to dump you for this without even trying to work it out, reasonably, you didn’t have a good relationship in the first place. This might be a time to take a look at that – but, at least, learn to use the word, “No,” whenever you feel it is right.  You didn’t really want to be the “go-to” person in the first place, did you?  “NO!”         

Dear Miss Emily:

Hi – I have written to you on 2 occasions and your advice has been invaluable.
I hope you remember me.  Just a quick re-cap.  When we last e-mailed, I had posed the question to him “would someone like me be the wrong kind of person?” to which he replied that he was flattered but wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, now, especially since his divorce was only finalized a couple of weeks ago. I have subsequently found out that he does have a girlfriend.  He met her very soon after he found out about his ex-wife's infidelity.  However, when we spoke, he told me that she is a rebound relationship and that he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and that’s why he’s with her.  I am not quite sure what to make of that.  Anyway, getting to the question I needed to ask you.  We have continued to sms each other,  however it has progressed into more sexually orientated sms’s (from his side).  He was quite complimentary about my “chest area” and said “they were lovely” and how he’d like to see them and how I should show them off more often.  I find his behavior quite bizarre, especially since he has a girlfriend.  Why do you think he would bother to ask me these questions?  Of course, as usual, he is full of compliments but once again, with him, that’s exactly where it starts and ends...!  Do you have any pearls of wisdom you could give me?  I don’t understand this man!
Nonplused

---------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Nonplused:

Ah yes, I remember your past e-mails, and I am happy that my advice has been beneficial to you.  But now, you are going to have to be clear in your own mind what this guy is all about.  I think any man who says his girlfriend is a rebound, but stays because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, is a liar – because he’s either lying to her or you.  I’m not crazy about guys who make comments about a woman’s breasts unless they are “on display” and begging for an opinion.  It’s low-class no matter how you slice it, and I think you should be offended.  This kind of banter is demeaning to women (although it’s fine for chickens) and is appropriate only in an intimate setting.  He’s not serious about anything other than wanting a reaction out of you and getting his jollies.  I remember him telling you, to paraphrase, “If the right guy came around, he’d be lucky to have you.”  Well, he isn’t it (he already told you that) and now we know all you need to know.  Next question?          
 

 

Dear Miss Emily:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 ½  years; both divorced for about 5 years, now, and we are 40 years old.  He has a 10 year old daughter and we get along great. We are "living together without living together.”  He comes home to my place ever night but one.  In the beginning we talked about marriage, but it's obvious he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Now that it's been over 2 years, I want to know if he plans on getting married again-to me. We are committed to each other and have a healthy relationship. I have brought up marriage and he says he's not ready.  He seemed to be a bit defensive about it, and it seems he is scared and doesn't want to divorce again (neither do I).  I don't want to bring it up any more because he is so uncomfortable talking about it, and I would never want to force him into it.  I just need to know if he does have plans for us to get married and not just buying time because he likes it the way it is. This living together without living together is getting old. What should I do?
Ready t o wed

-----------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------------

Dear Ready:

First of all, please read some of the advice I’ve given on this issue. Click on relationships-women on the left side of my site.  Find the titles that pertain to commitment. This should make you feel better, because your predictament is not uncommon.  In a perfect world, marriages would work so well, only “until death do us part” would end them.  But in the real world, 50% of the time marriage goes south and the wounds can be deep and, sometimes, never heal. I firmly believe that if all else is going well, getting anxious over this will destroy what you have together. For some women, societal pressure to marry hangs over their heads like a rain-filled cloud. It's as if a voice whispers, “If he loved you, he’d marry you . . .you useless blob of protoplasm!”  In other words, it would be a shame if you did not analysis your own situation and base your decison on that alone.  That said, if marriage is what you want, come hell of high water, set a time limit on how much more you can stand in your present circumstance.  When that limit is up, go to him and tell him that you want a definite marriage commitment.  If he tells you he still isn’t ready and looks as if he’s going to hurl, plan a farewell dinner.  Unless I’m losing my touch, I see no other choices.  

Dear Miss Emily:

I have been living with the man I love for over 8 years. We are not married. We have had some rough times, as do all. About 1 month ago, he comes in and tells me he is leaving. Now, however, we are still seeing each other, but he is living with his mother (and loving the pampering).  He is 37 years old, and I am 44. He does not want a commitment, and I am unsure if I want it. I LOVE HIM. I told him last week that if we are going to see each other, that he should ask me out on a date. We had planned to go out on Sat. night, but he was hung-over from the night before – out with his buddies. He showed up at my door, at 11 a.m, looking and feeling bad. I fed him, gave him XXX, and a shower. He slept for three hours on my bed. When it was time for our date, he simply said, "I am broke."  I'll give you a rain check on our date. He followed that with, "Let's stay home and order Chinese take-out." I was totally upset and I blew up and he left. Should I have gone along with his plan? It seems as though he is determined to do as he pleases, with no regard for my needs. Am I wrong for feeling used? We occasionally meet and have sex. I do feel used at times, but I am so in love with him, I cannot help myself. What should I do? I cannot help that I am still in love with him. I do not want to be totally without him. HELP!!!
Second-hand Rose

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-----------------------

Dear Second-hand:

I think you are really asking me to sanction this  relationship (no matter how dysfunctional it is), because you love him and you can’t help yourself.  Okay, stay with him and continue to be used.  No! No! No!  I can’t say that, even though that’s what may happen; until he finally tells you it’s over, permanently, and even he is no longer interested in taking advantage of your “soft spot” for him.  I think that anyone who does not get the respect they say they want, has a history of not getting it.  Women are especially vulnerable because, like it or not, we still live in a patriarchal society that puts men and their needs, first.  Oh sure, women can jerk men around, but it often has something to do with a man’s weakness for sex, or an empty stomach. This man (and I use the term loosely), does not want a committed relationship, but common decency tells me that showing up hung-over, you feeding him, his being broke and, then, you servicing him, is pathetic on both your parts. Let his mommy continue to baby her 37 year-old son, while you figure out why you would love a man who, for all intents and purposes, cares so little for you.  Break this enabling cycle, now, or suffer the consequences.

Hello Emily,

This might take a paragraph or more.  Here’s the gist of it:  My husband and I have been married for only one year. You see, we have loved and known each other since I was 15 and, now, I’m 23 and he is 25.  I was in the service, which separated us for a couple of years. We fought all we could to stay together.  He is now in the service and deployed. I have tried and tried to get through to him about how much I love him, but he doesn't seem to listen. He doesn't show me affection, and doesn't tell me he loves me. On July 27, it will be one year since I saw him last, which was when we got married. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I know he loves me, but it’s so important for him to show it to me. We were really in love about a year ago, and when we were in high school together. When I talk to him about how I feel , he tells me that I’m just being a woman, and stop thinking about it. I am the only real relationship he has ever had, and only sexual partner. I just need answers! My friends aren't giving them to me, probably cause they don't know what to say. I cannot let go of him.  He is my soul mate, and I still believe in us. We both hurt one another, emotionally, in the past couple of years.  I’m sorry if this seems random.
Aching Heart

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------------

Dear Aching:

Your circumstances are less than ideal for a marriage to flourish.  I am sure that you love each other, and that should not be questioned.  However, you were gone for two years and, now, your husband is far away.  Everything that you have together is being tested by the distance between you and . . . “The War.”  That alone, creates emotional feelings that bring a whole new dimension to this relationship. Now it has become a test of endurance.  If I were you, I would not let words create damage that cannot be repaired upon his return.  I know how hard this is to do, but table any requests for undying love, for you, during his active military duty.  It may be that the decision to get married, before he left, was a way to keep emotionally connected to home while facing an uncertain future.  Physically living in one world, and trying to maintain a foothold in another is difficult, at best. You may not like how this story ends, but you should not aid any failure of your marriage by showing your insecurity regarding his love for you. Give him pep talks, tell him you love him, and you will be here when he returns. If you become a support system to him while he is gone, you create a foundation that will you give you a head-start in trying to mend any past differences.  I wish you much success.         

Dear Miss Emily,

I'm a 21-year-old woman who is intelligent, beautiful and miserable. Basically, my pride is shot. Home from college, I went out with the girls a couple of Friday nights ago. My parents were out for the evening, so I came home to a supposedly empty house but I walked in on a couple of burglars and, when they left, I was thoroughly bound and gagged, hogtied on the kitchen floor. No way could I get loose and I had to lie there for several hours until my parents came home. Unfortunately, they came home with three neighbor couples and all saw me tied up in an utterly helpless heap. I should be thankful I wasn't hurt but having family and friends see me trussed up like a salami was humiliating beyond belief. I've always been a very competent person.  Had I been able to free myself I'd probably be bragging but, instead, I feel like a chump. I'm depressed, embarrassed, discouraged. How do I regain my sense of self worth? My dignity?  I don't want to feel forever...
Bound and Gagged

-----------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------

Dear Bound:

Believe me, it would not have been better had they snuffed you out.  And I might add, many thieves do this in order to leave no witnesses.  False pride is just that,  false.  It can ruin a person's life, and he/she is the last person to figure it out. This is the central plot-line of all Greek tragedies.  When I get miffed that things happen to me that I cannot control, I do the old “It could be worse.  I could be rummaging through the soil for bits of grain in civil war-torn Africa, to sustain my life. I know, the “be grateful for what I have” mantra, which is supposed to appease our savage souls in the worst of times, doesn’t help much when brains,  and beauty are compromised.  But you really need to put it in perspective. This is your reality, and I’m not trying to make fun of it, but these people could have killed you and you got off easy – not to mention how happy your parents must be that their daughter is still alive so that she can live another day with  her genetic gifts.  My humble opinion?  Grace in the face of tragedy has greater value than all you have said in your letter.  I am sure that your parents and their friends saw nothing less than a brave woman, and only you see that your vanity was marred by this unfortunate occasion.  Personally, not even knowing you, I’m glad you are still with us.       

Dear Miss Emily:

I went to the job of the man I've been sleeping with to ask why he would lie to me about other women he is sleeping with. When I got there and saw him, he proceeded to blast me out royally. He said things like how dare I come to his job – to stay away from and leave him alone, etc. I have no intention of contacting him, ever again, after he degraded me like this but something tells me that somewhere down the road he will try to contact me. What are your thoughts on this?
Fed-up

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------------

Dear Fed-up:

You’re not going to want to read this, but I don’t blame this guy for “blasting” you at his place of work.  This behavior is an absolute no-no and, if you don’t understand that, he not only has a problem, but you do, as well. If he’s been sleeping around, and you’ve found out about it, that’s all you need to know.  Forego the drama, and if he does try to contact you, tell him “That ship has sailed.” In the future, try to be a tad more discriminating with your choice of bed partners.

Hi Emily,

I just got married a few weeks ago to a wonderful man who adores me. We had a beautiful wedding and, after two years together, the relationship is great. The problem is, I feel really horrible because I am the one who, about 8 months into the relationship, demanded that he ask me to marry him. Not only that, but I even told him the date I wanted him to ask me! I don't know why I did this, but I regret it so much. I keep thinking back to how I controlled the whole situation and completely took the romance out of it and it hurts really bad.  And he has told me that he regrets that I did that too, because he had it all planned out how he was going to ask me to marry him and I took that away from him. I am angry at myself and I don't know how to fix this. Please help. Thanks!
Regretful

-----------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-----------------------

Dear Regretful:

Rest assured, anyone reading this can relate to wishing they could “do it all over again” from day one.  Obviously, there is nothing you can do to change this, but the good news is that you realize it and have questioned your controlling ways.  But look, he let it happen.  If he had wanted it differently, he should have had the courage to say something about it.  Now he agrees that you took this away from him?  That’s convenient!  If you are happy together, get over it, and move on down the road. In the future, include him when making plans – you know, like baby plans!  It will build his emotional strength if he works with you when mapping out your future together, and it's even better if you two agree that this is how good relationships work.   

Dear Miss Emily:

I have been dating this "J" for 9 months.  I have very deep feelings for this man and he says he cares for me. But when I ask where we go from here, he says “this is it.”  The sex is great and his family likes me.  His friends call me his woman, but he doesn’t. To him, it’s like friends with benefits. What should I do?
Looking for more

--------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------

Dear Looking:

I tend to take men at their word, because they usually tell it like it is (this excludes all habitual liars).  The problem with that?  Sometimes women can't accept the truth, even when it’s solicited.  There’s not much you can do to make this a committed  relationship.  You can threaten him with “I want more and you can’t give it, so, bye-bye!”  But the sad reality is that he would probably follow-up with, “Well, I will miss you, but if that’s what you really want, I wish you all the best.”  If you have fallen in love with him, the longer you stick around, the harder it will be to let go. It’s possible he will come around, but nine months should be enough time for him to have figured out what he wants from this relationship.  “This is it,” pretty much spells it out.        

Dear Miss Emily: I got married last year and my husband is an amazing human being who treats me with the most respect and loves me deeply. However, I often think about my first love...and by often I mean on a daily basis, and what his life is like now and, more importantly, what could have been. Now I know he is a scum bag who treated me horribly. I also know that we were both young and immature and now that we are both older, this wondering what could have been is creating a distance between my husband and me. I guess my question is.. is this normal? And if not, what can I do to overcome this obstacle? I really do love my husband and would really love some advice. Dreaming of the past -----------Miss Emily's advice----------- Dear Dreaming: I understand that you love your husband, but not with all of your heart and, as you know, that is the unfortunate truth. I doubt that "scum bag" has changed -- this type rarely morphs into something kinda wonderful, unless they have been struck by lightening and, by a miracle, have seen the error of their ways. Does he live in town? Can you figure out a way to meet him and find out what he is like, and who he has become in order to put this into perspective? I say this only because your obsessing over it is going to drive an even bigger wedge between you and your husband -- you know, the husband who trusted that you loved him, and only him when you two married. People marry for all sorts of reasons, and you married your husband because he treats you with respect and you appreciate the fact that he is an amazing human being. But that obviously isn't enough, nor the kind of man you think you need. I say need (for whatever reasons -- good or bad) because all women should want the attributes your husband possesses. Maybe you will always yearn for the bad guy -- the one who keeps you guessing whether they love you or are ready to dump you. And if that is what's at the bottom of this (despite you telling me that maybe your first love "frog" has turned into a prince) you are more than likely not going to be happy with your husband, now or ever.