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Do I Expect Too Much?
- Published Today
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. He lives with his mother and we have not made the jump to living together. We have this constant struggle with his commitments to me and those to his family. I am very close to breaking up ... here is why ... last night after work i wanted to go to dinner, he said no he was tired, going to take his mom for take out, he just wanted to stay home. I gave options. So 30 minutes later I call him to say have a nice veg time and he is at a restaurant having dinner with his mom and brother. He said it didn't go like he wanted and then they went out. How could he after I just asked him out> Last week, same thing except he made plans to eat with me ... but Mom and brother wanted to go out ... so he went and had pie and showed up 2 hours late to my house. He promised at that point he would never do it again and, then, yesterday. I don't like his brother, because at Christmas I bought my boyfriend at $250 bike because he wanted to start biking. Well his brother said my bike was no good and went and bought him a $1600 bike. That almost killed us ... his brother disrspected me and my gift as did my boyfriend. So I took my bike back and got my money. Should I leave this guy? He says I ask too much .. help, am I just a crazy girl?
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Unless you are a relentless nag, no, you are not asking too much to be considered important in his life. Sadly, you seem to be competing with his family and that's never a good place to be. His family should be important, there's no question about it, but he needs to learn to budget his time, say no to others when he's made a commitment to do something with you, and to call his brother out when he insulted your Christmas present -- a present you had, obviously, saved for and thought would make him tremendously happy. Insensitive and cruel are words that come to mind. This relationship cannot be held together by one person. It takes two, as you well know. After a year-and-a half together, it might have become routine and stale -- although that does not excuse his disregard for your feelings. I suggest a break to put it in perspective. Moving in with him would be the kiss of death if he continues to treat you like a sister, a bitch, or an afterthought.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. He lives with his mother and we have not made the jump to living together. We have this constant struggle with his commitments to me and those to his family. I am very close to breaking up ... here is why ... last night after work i wanted to go to dinner, he said no he was tired, going to take his mom for take out, he just wanted to stay home. I gave options. So 30 minutes later I call him to say have a nice veg time and he is at a restaurant having dinner with his mom and brother. He said it didn't go like he wanted and then they went out. How could he after I just asked him out> Last week, same thing except he made plans to eat with me ... but Mom and brother wanted to go out ... so he went and had pie and showed up 2 hours late to my house. He promised at that point he would never do it again and, then, yesterday. I don't like his brother, because at Christmas I bought my boyfriend at $250 bike because he wanted to start biking. Well his brother said my bike was no good and went and bought him a $1600 bike. That almost killed us ... his brother disrspected me and my gift as did my boyfriend. So I took my bike back and got my money. Should I leave this guy? He says I ask too much .. help, am I just a crazy girl?
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Unless you are a relentless nag, no, you are not asking too much to be considered important in his life. Sadly, you seem to be competing with his family and that's never a good place to be. His family should be important, there's no question about it, but he needs to learn to budget his time, say no to others when he's made a commitment to do something with you, and to call his brother out when he insulted your Christmas present -- a present you had, obviously, saved for and thought would make him tremendously happy. Insensitive and cruel are words that come to mind. This relationship cannot be held together by one person. It takes two, as you well know. After a year-and-a half together, it might have become routine and stale -- although that does not excuse his disregard for your feelings. I suggest a break to put it in perspective. Moving in with him would be the kiss of death if he continues to treat you like a sister, a bitch, or an afterthought.
Best Friend Falling For Me
- Published 03/8/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss
Emily,
My best guy friend who I have known my whole life has just told me he is starting to get feelings for me. I don't know what to do considering I am in a relationship with someone right now. I've only been in the relationship for two months. The beginning of it was good but now he is starting to get mad at me more and more. We fight almost everyday over my past, or when someone brings my past up. He gets mad at me when I just talk to other guys. I told him I'm not one to cheat. I feel like he just doesn't understand me sometimes. That's why I'm so confused right now. My best friend brought up some good points too. We both have known each other better than anyone else, and we know what each other wants. I'm just worried he's confused because he's in a rough spot, right now, and I'm one of the only people there for him. I don't know if I should stay with the guy I'm with, or talk to my best friend. Can you have a relationship with someone you have been best friends with your whole life?
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------
Your present boyfriend has no right, I repeat, NO RIGHT to bring up your past. It's not only something you can't change, it's none of his business. He is controlling, and his jealousy is a sign of insecurity, a lack of maturity and an inability to trust. He can't punish you for his interest in you. This is not the foundation for a good, lasting relationship. Lots of red flags waving in my face, and they should be unfurling for you too! Now, your best friend. Being friends with your partner is a necessity, in my book, to make a relationship work. That said, a best friend does not always translate into a great romantic relationship. But I believe that any relationship has a fighting chance if there is a good deal in common, mutual respect, and a willingness to work hard to get it right. I also believe (I've had many letters on this subject) if a "relationship" with a best friend does not end up to be the dream both parties hoped it would be, they can rise above any awkwardness by admitting it was an experiment that didn't pan out -- but the friendship remains because it was the basis for why those two people got together in the first place.
My best guy friend who I have known my whole life has just told me he is starting to get feelings for me. I don't know what to do considering I am in a relationship with someone right now. I've only been in the relationship for two months. The beginning of it was good but now he is starting to get mad at me more and more. We fight almost everyday over my past, or when someone brings my past up. He gets mad at me when I just talk to other guys. I told him I'm not one to cheat. I feel like he just doesn't understand me sometimes. That's why I'm so confused right now. My best friend brought up some good points too. We both have known each other better than anyone else, and we know what each other wants. I'm just worried he's confused because he's in a rough spot, right now, and I'm one of the only people there for him. I don't know if I should stay with the guy I'm with, or talk to my best friend. Can you have a relationship with someone you have been best friends with your whole life?
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------
Your present boyfriend has no right, I repeat, NO RIGHT to bring up your past. It's not only something you can't change, it's none of his business. He is controlling, and his jealousy is a sign of insecurity, a lack of maturity and an inability to trust. He can't punish you for his interest in you. This is not the foundation for a good, lasting relationship. Lots of red flags waving in my face, and they should be unfurling for you too! Now, your best friend. Being friends with your partner is a necessity, in my book, to make a relationship work. That said, a best friend does not always translate into a great romantic relationship. But I believe that any relationship has a fighting chance if there is a good deal in common, mutual respect, and a willingness to work hard to get it right. I also believe (I've had many letters on this subject) if a "relationship" with a best friend does not end up to be the dream both parties hoped it would be, they can rise above any awkwardness by admitting it was an experiment that didn't pan out -- but the friendship remains because it was the basis for why those two people got together in the first place.
The "Other Woman"
- Published 03/5/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily,
Well, this is a complicated relationship to say the least. I first met my boyfriend on a computer game..We started out just being friends and he actually introduced me to my now ex-boyfriend. I lived in the same town as the both of them for a little while until the ex and I ended things. The current boyfriend and I were, the best of friends. We talked about everything under the sun. I started to develop feelings for him back in November, and at that point we had known each other for about a year and a half. My problem is one: that he is eighteen years older than I, and I feel like I'm just the new young thing sometimes. Kinda like he's really just infatuated with me rather than "in love" with me. And my other issue is that he has a live in girlfriend. He tells me that he's planning on leaving her and he's not sexual with her anymore. I believe him but I just don't know how much longer I can be the "other woman". It's so frustrating. Please help!
--------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
The age difference is of some concern for a potential long-term relationship, but let's lay out the obvious. He hasn't left his girlfriend, and it seems there is little rush to do it if you see him under these circumstances. Your boyfriend has two girlfriends -- and one is a sweet, darling girl eighteen years his junior.Wow! Some people have all the luck. I know you trust him about not having sex with her but, whether true, or not (and it's often a fib), he still has a commitment to her and it's easy to fit into the role of the "other woman" because...well, you are! I don't know what you want from him in terms of a commitment, but I'd get that figured out before you take any action. If you, ultimately, decide he's just a good "older" guy to hang out with, have sex with, and feel "special" at certain times in your life -- keep the status quo. Because if you were to tell him "Let me know when you've moved out and, then, we can pick up where we left off" you should be pretty sure he's what you want (if he did follow through) on a regular basis. If not, his girlfriend might be a good buffer.
Well, this is a complicated relationship to say the least. I first met my boyfriend on a computer game..We started out just being friends and he actually introduced me to my now ex-boyfriend. I lived in the same town as the both of them for a little while until the ex and I ended things. The current boyfriend and I were, the best of friends. We talked about everything under the sun. I started to develop feelings for him back in November, and at that point we had known each other for about a year and a half. My problem is one: that he is eighteen years older than I, and I feel like I'm just the new young thing sometimes. Kinda like he's really just infatuated with me rather than "in love" with me. And my other issue is that he has a live in girlfriend. He tells me that he's planning on leaving her and he's not sexual with her anymore. I believe him but I just don't know how much longer I can be the "other woman". It's so frustrating. Please help!
--------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
The age difference is of some concern for a potential long-term relationship, but let's lay out the obvious. He hasn't left his girlfriend, and it seems there is little rush to do it if you see him under these circumstances. Your boyfriend has two girlfriends -- and one is a sweet, darling girl eighteen years his junior.Wow! Some people have all the luck. I know you trust him about not having sex with her but, whether true, or not (and it's often a fib), he still has a commitment to her and it's easy to fit into the role of the "other woman" because...well, you are! I don't know what you want from him in terms of a commitment, but I'd get that figured out before you take any action. If you, ultimately, decide he's just a good "older" guy to hang out with, have sex with, and feel "special" at certain times in your life -- keep the status quo. Because if you were to tell him "Let me know when you've moved out and, then, we can pick up where we left off" you should be pretty sure he's what you want (if he did follow through) on a regular basis. If not, his girlfriend might be a good buffer.
Is This Guy Worth The Effort?
- Published 03/4/2010
- Relationships - Women
I am 33 and i met this 29 year old guy about 8 months
ago through a mutual friend. Initially we would talk on facebook maybe
once a week. about 5 months ago we started talking more frequently on
facebook and, eventually, exchanged numbers. Before we even started
talking on the phone, he told me that he had a strained relationship with
his mother because she was rather cool towards him when he was growing
up. Then he shared with me that he had a "very big wall up" towards
relationships because he was hurt by an ex five years ago. He told me
that he avoids relationships, and that was five months ago. Since then,
we've gotten
gradually to the point where we text/talk every day, many times a day.
I have developed strong feelings for him. Two months ago I went out
with him to a bar he hangs out with and met his friends. We talk almost
every night before bed, and when he works his overnight shifts he calls
me from work. I have even spent the night at his house. I have
slept over his house three times...no hooking up has occurred aside from
cuddling. There does seem to be an awkward tension between us when I
do stay there. My question is...at this point, I really like this guy
friend...a lot. I don't know how he feels about me though. I don't
know why he has never kissed me. I don't want to ruin what we have now,
but I am getting frustrated. Maybe he thinks we are just good
friends? should I try to kiss him? Should I just be happy with the way
things are now?
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------
I'm a little dubious about the success of this relationship. Maybe I'm just overly cautious, but a guy who has a strained relationship with his mom, (he perceives her to be a cold fish) and a lousy breakup five years ago (which is a long time to hold in the anger and fear of getting involved, again) is going to be a tough nut to crack -- and, even if you do, will his past anger toward women extend to you if you and he were to get serious? I'd get this all hammered out before you fall too hard. A man who has issues with "Mom" can be a guy who seeks a benevolent "Mommy" at heart. And if you were to have issues come up in the relationship (which is the norm) will he dismiss you as "just like Mom" and recreate the barrier that he has already warned you about? Only you can decide when to have "the talk." But I recommend it if it gets past where you are now, because you need to tell him you're not his mom (or ex), don't want the job, and you will only accept being treated as an individual with feelings and emotions all your own. When I was young, I remember reading a Dear Abby column, and it was the first time I had read these words, "Never marry a man who hates his mother." Now you may not marry this man, but he has problems with commitment because of women, and you might have to walk on eggshells to avoid being labeled. If this present circumstance seems to drag on too long without some movement in the relationship, it might be for the better. There are red flags and, in this case, he's even warned you about them. Tread lightly. I may be wrong, but it's good to have the heads up in case I am even close to being right.
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------
I'm a little dubious about the success of this relationship. Maybe I'm just overly cautious, but a guy who has a strained relationship with his mom, (he perceives her to be a cold fish) and a lousy breakup five years ago (which is a long time to hold in the anger and fear of getting involved, again) is going to be a tough nut to crack -- and, even if you do, will his past anger toward women extend to you if you and he were to get serious? I'd get this all hammered out before you fall too hard. A man who has issues with "Mom" can be a guy who seeks a benevolent "Mommy" at heart. And if you were to have issues come up in the relationship (which is the norm) will he dismiss you as "just like Mom" and recreate the barrier that he has already warned you about? Only you can decide when to have "the talk." But I recommend it if it gets past where you are now, because you need to tell him you're not his mom (or ex), don't want the job, and you will only accept being treated as an individual with feelings and emotions all your own. When I was young, I remember reading a Dear Abby column, and it was the first time I had read these words, "Never marry a man who hates his mother." Now you may not marry this man, but he has problems with commitment because of women, and you might have to walk on eggshells to avoid being labeled. If this present circumstance seems to drag on too long without some movement in the relationship, it might be for the better. There are red flags and, in this case, he's even warned you about them. Tread lightly. I may be wrong, but it's good to have the heads up in case I am even close to being right.
Not Truly Committed In This Relationship
- Published 03/3/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
Ok, so this may not be your "normal" type of question you may answer. I am 24 and my partner is 20. We are both females, but do not identify with the label that our relationship puts us in. We did not seek out a romantic relationship with one another, but our bond is like no other and we genuinely love each other and the happiness we continuously share. We have been dating for nearly two years now and both of our families know and our mutual friends know of our relationship (all who have been supportive). However, I am able to tell friends of mine and she is still not able to share our relationship with her friends. I see this as a minor issue in our relationship. Furthermore, we have not been intimate with one another for the last 4 or 5 months. This would not have alarmed me as much, but we used to be fairly intimate. My questions concerning this matter are always refuted with "I am tired" or "I guess I just don't have a high libido anymore." She tells me she loves me, but I am starting to worry about her inability to tell other people about our relationship and also her inability to touch me or let me touch her. We still kiss, hug, cuddle, but things are different. What do I do? I have tried talking and asking... I have tried initiating... I have tried backing off... that is the worst when I do that, because she feels I am acting weird. Help?
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
Her inability to tell her friends about her relationship with you is a big deal. She thinks they would be judgmental -- something she's not willing to risk, or she is not truly comfortable with your and her relationship as defined. Whether you choose to use the "L" word, or not, you have had an intimate relationship with this woman (girl!) and you have been committed to each other for two years. Right now, she's calling the shots and getting away with it. You can maintain a great friendship if she's willing to be honest about her feelings and, then, you can proceed with a new understanding. But until that happens, it's up to you to be realistic. This isn't going to go away by wishing it so. She's been backing off, and that means something. If you're not satisfied with it, decide what you're going to do about it.
Ok, so this may not be your "normal" type of question you may answer. I am 24 and my partner is 20. We are both females, but do not identify with the label that our relationship puts us in. We did not seek out a romantic relationship with one another, but our bond is like no other and we genuinely love each other and the happiness we continuously share. We have been dating for nearly two years now and both of our families know and our mutual friends know of our relationship (all who have been supportive). However, I am able to tell friends of mine and she is still not able to share our relationship with her friends. I see this as a minor issue in our relationship. Furthermore, we have not been intimate with one another for the last 4 or 5 months. This would not have alarmed me as much, but we used to be fairly intimate. My questions concerning this matter are always refuted with "I am tired" or "I guess I just don't have a high libido anymore." She tells me she loves me, but I am starting to worry about her inability to tell other people about our relationship and also her inability to touch me or let me touch her. We still kiss, hug, cuddle, but things are different. What do I do? I have tried talking and asking... I have tried initiating... I have tried backing off... that is the worst when I do that, because she feels I am acting weird. Help?
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
Her inability to tell her friends about her relationship with you is a big deal. She thinks they would be judgmental -- something she's not willing to risk, or she is not truly comfortable with your and her relationship as defined. Whether you choose to use the "L" word, or not, you have had an intimate relationship with this woman (girl!) and you have been committed to each other for two years. Right now, she's calling the shots and getting away with it. You can maintain a great friendship if she's willing to be honest about her feelings and, then, you can proceed with a new understanding. But until that happens, it's up to you to be realistic. This isn't going to go away by wishing it so. She's been backing off, and that means something. If you're not satisfied with it, decide what you're going to do about it.
Lying and Trust Issues, Again!
- Published 03/2/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I have been in a relationship with my partner for two years. When we first met he told me he had been in a previous relationship but she moved away. I found out this was a lie an they were never together. Why did he lie? A few months later she got in contact with him he replied, but didn't mention he was in a relationship with me but said he was too busy to meet her. This may sound stupid, but am I being insecure? She then added him on facebook -- he lied an said he didn't know who she was (I didn't know her name just her nickname). After 6 months he told me proudly it was this girl. Why lie an then come clean? Could he still have feelings for her, or am I just being jealous?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I'm just taking a stab, here, but perhaps he told you he was in a relationship with her, when you first met him, to look as if he had more going on in his past than he really did. Not uncommon! Maybe he wanted to be in one with her, but it wasn't an option. They were more or less friendly toward each other and, now, she just happens to be around. I don't know how you're getting all this information, but maybe he likes you being agitated about it -- makes him feel in control. Yes, it was wrong he didn't tell her he was involved with someone. His motivation might be that he's not fully committed to you in the way you would like. I think he should be more than happy to behave like a man in a relationship if he were a stand-up guy -- oh, and satisfied with the relationship!
I have been in a relationship with my partner for two years. When we first met he told me he had been in a previous relationship but she moved away. I found out this was a lie an they were never together. Why did he lie? A few months later she got in contact with him he replied, but didn't mention he was in a relationship with me but said he was too busy to meet her. This may sound stupid, but am I being insecure? She then added him on facebook -- he lied an said he didn't know who she was (I didn't know her name just her nickname). After 6 months he told me proudly it was this girl. Why lie an then come clean? Could he still have feelings for her, or am I just being jealous?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I'm just taking a stab, here, but perhaps he told you he was in a relationship with her, when you first met him, to look as if he had more going on in his past than he really did. Not uncommon! Maybe he wanted to be in one with her, but it wasn't an option. They were more or less friendly toward each other and, now, she just happens to be around. I don't know how you're getting all this information, but maybe he likes you being agitated about it -- makes him feel in control. Yes, it was wrong he didn't tell her he was involved with someone. His motivation might be that he's not fully committed to you in the way you would like. I think he should be more than happy to behave like a man in a relationship if he were a stand-up guy -- oh, and satisfied with the relationship!
Is He Messing Up A Good Thing?
- Published 02/27/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
My boyfriend and I just moved in together with our two children 7 months ago. He works the late shift and is not home at night, and to keep him up(he says) he got into Internet chatting on his phone. There has been many times when I felt that it was inappropriate for him to be doing this. Like the time I caught him hanging up just before our Valentine's date. And when confronted he always responds with he's not cheating just talking. He is a good guy. And he does do things for the family as he should and gives me presents. BUT I also have been on websites too. I have found myself chatting with other men out of spite, anger and hurt feelings. I don't know if I should end it or try to talk again?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
I don't think you should throw in the towel, just yet. You moved in seven months ago, and I would assume the children enjoy the environment. I would try to talk to him about it, again. Find out, if you can, why he feels the need to do this and where he thinks it might lead. And that's the problem. This kind of thing can become an obsession, and when you are talking to strangers it can open up the flood gates. I think some men and women do this because it allows them to create a fantasy, or brings them out of a normally inhibited "self." And, of course, there's going to be the person who does it because he (she) simply is not satisfied with what he has. But get this settled to your satisfaction before you make any decision. Tit-for-tat is not a way to deal with this issue. If he hides things and appears evasive, that's not a good sign.
My boyfriend and I just moved in together with our two children 7 months ago. He works the late shift and is not home at night, and to keep him up(he says) he got into Internet chatting on his phone. There has been many times when I felt that it was inappropriate for him to be doing this. Like the time I caught him hanging up just before our Valentine's date. And when confronted he always responds with he's not cheating just talking. He is a good guy. And he does do things for the family as he should and gives me presents. BUT I also have been on websites too. I have found myself chatting with other men out of spite, anger and hurt feelings. I don't know if I should end it or try to talk again?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
I don't think you should throw in the towel, just yet. You moved in seven months ago, and I would assume the children enjoy the environment. I would try to talk to him about it, again. Find out, if you can, why he feels the need to do this and where he thinks it might lead. And that's the problem. This kind of thing can become an obsession, and when you are talking to strangers it can open up the flood gates. I think some men and women do this because it allows them to create a fantasy, or brings them out of a normally inhibited "self." And, of course, there's going to be the person who does it because he (she) simply is not satisfied with what he has. But get this settled to your satisfaction before you make any decision. Tit-for-tat is not a way to deal with this issue. If he hides things and appears evasive, that's not a good sign.
He Cheated With Her And Wants To Keep A Friendship
- Published 02/24/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
What should i do in a relationship where my boyfriend wont let go of his ex who he cheated on me with? My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite some time, but we live in different countries. I found out that he was cheating on me with a girl he is studying with. I had been suspicious about her before and I confronted him about it. But he said they were just friends. He "left" her when I found out, and we got back together. However, he is STILL good friends with her even when he knows he is hurting me and I have asked him to stop his friendship with her. (She also cheated on him with his best friend). So what am I supposed to do? Every time I try to talk to him about this he says that the problem is in me because I cannot trust him. He always changes the subject and turns the conversation around so that I'm the bad guy and he is the sweet innocent one. What should I do? Please help me.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I can understand why you are hurt. But this girl seems to fill a need he has, be it friendship or whatever, and he is defending it by making you look like the person who has the problem. Some people are masters at this technique! I'm not sure he would be understanding if the shoe were on the other foot. But he has decided this relationship is worth keeping, despite how you feel about it and, now, the ball's in your court. Maybe he is faithful, but there is a history of cheating and it all boils down to this one issue with this one woman. Trust in the cornerstone of a good relationship, and if you don't have that -- you have nothing. In your case, it seems fruitless to battle this with no winning in sight. Either accept it, or tell him it's over. Your decision should be based on his attitude concerning this matter, rather than an elusive threat that he will cheat, again.
What should i do in a relationship where my boyfriend wont let go of his ex who he cheated on me with? My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite some time, but we live in different countries. I found out that he was cheating on me with a girl he is studying with. I had been suspicious about her before and I confronted him about it. But he said they were just friends. He "left" her when I found out, and we got back together. However, he is STILL good friends with her even when he knows he is hurting me and I have asked him to stop his friendship with her. (She also cheated on him with his best friend). So what am I supposed to do? Every time I try to talk to him about this he says that the problem is in me because I cannot trust him. He always changes the subject and turns the conversation around so that I'm the bad guy and he is the sweet innocent one. What should I do? Please help me.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I can understand why you are hurt. But this girl seems to fill a need he has, be it friendship or whatever, and he is defending it by making you look like the person who has the problem. Some people are masters at this technique! I'm not sure he would be understanding if the shoe were on the other foot. But he has decided this relationship is worth keeping, despite how you feel about it and, now, the ball's in your court. Maybe he is faithful, but there is a history of cheating and it all boils down to this one issue with this one woman. Trust in the cornerstone of a good relationship, and if you don't have that -- you have nothing. In your case, it seems fruitless to battle this with no winning in sight. Either accept it, or tell him it's over. Your decision should be based on his attitude concerning this matter, rather than an elusive threat that he will cheat, again.
Anger Turns Physical
- Published 02/20/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I asked people about this and all they told me was to leave her, but that's not what I want to do. I only want to make sure she wont do this again , so here it is... I am a 20 yr old girl. I live with my 42 yr old girlfriend. Regardless of the age difference we both love each other very much , however her parents seem to dislike me. I got into a fight with her mom which led to me verbally insulting her, and when we got home we had a fight about it which got even more and more tense and, then, for the first time she physically held me against my will. She used her weight to pin me down. My wrist is bruised now, and she hit me (spanked me, but its still consider hitting), and I repeatedly told her to stop hitting me as she was hurting me -- but she didn't stop, not even when I cried. I have never seen her react this way! She is a very loving, nice person and no matter what any one says I know she is kind and loving and loves me a lot. She says she goes through hell trying to defend "us" without having to worry about me acting like a "brat" even though I was only defending myself. Her mom was obviously trying to tick me off. I honestly, as insane as it may sound, believe her mom told her to hit me because she has never done such thing like this before. How do I make sure she won't hit me again? please help thanks.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------
I don't think you can make sure it will never do it, again. I know, it's easy for friends to say "leave," but it's so much more complicated than a "See ya around, bitch." However, it was an offensive, scary display of anger. I see that she "snapped" and when that happens a person can lose control. It's almost similar to stopping before you shoot a gun in anger -- you either do it, or you don't, and there are consequences if you shoot. But why she has this anger is the bigger issue and it has to be addressed if your relationship is going to survive. You need to take a look at the reason she thinks she needs to defend you (and herself). Is it because she is involved with a girl 22 years her junior, or does she really think you are unnecessarily provoking her mother's wrath? Some parents aren't terribly accepting of a gay child's lifestyle and, although they may love their child, they may also be angry, or frustrated and, in this case, lashed out at you. But your girlfriend is 42, and she should be capable of handling this is a mature fashion and set boundaries when needed. Unless either one of you has a screw loose, it's going to take two to make this work. In both situations, each of you acted out in anger, although a physical display of anger is, by legal standards, assault. Her mother is not going to go away, and if you want to continue a relationship with your girlfriend, you need to sit down with her and rationally figure out a way to handle any future confrontations. If you don't, it will matter less about how this one event played out, than the fact that you and she don't see eye-to-eye on certain key issues, and it will eventually destroy the relationship.
I asked people about this and all they told me was to leave her, but that's not what I want to do. I only want to make sure she wont do this again , so here it is... I am a 20 yr old girl. I live with my 42 yr old girlfriend. Regardless of the age difference we both love each other very much , however her parents seem to dislike me. I got into a fight with her mom which led to me verbally insulting her, and when we got home we had a fight about it which got even more and more tense and, then, for the first time she physically held me against my will. She used her weight to pin me down. My wrist is bruised now, and she hit me (spanked me, but its still consider hitting), and I repeatedly told her to stop hitting me as she was hurting me -- but she didn't stop, not even when I cried. I have never seen her react this way! She is a very loving, nice person and no matter what any one says I know she is kind and loving and loves me a lot. She says she goes through hell trying to defend "us" without having to worry about me acting like a "brat" even though I was only defending myself. Her mom was obviously trying to tick me off. I honestly, as insane as it may sound, believe her mom told her to hit me because she has never done such thing like this before. How do I make sure she won't hit me again? please help thanks.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------
I don't think you can make sure it will never do it, again. I know, it's easy for friends to say "leave," but it's so much more complicated than a "See ya around, bitch." However, it was an offensive, scary display of anger. I see that she "snapped" and when that happens a person can lose control. It's almost similar to stopping before you shoot a gun in anger -- you either do it, or you don't, and there are consequences if you shoot. But why she has this anger is the bigger issue and it has to be addressed if your relationship is going to survive. You need to take a look at the reason she thinks she needs to defend you (and herself). Is it because she is involved with a girl 22 years her junior, or does she really think you are unnecessarily provoking her mother's wrath? Some parents aren't terribly accepting of a gay child's lifestyle and, although they may love their child, they may also be angry, or frustrated and, in this case, lashed out at you. But your girlfriend is 42, and she should be capable of handling this is a mature fashion and set boundaries when needed. Unless either one of you has a screw loose, it's going to take two to make this work. In both situations, each of you acted out in anger, although a physical display of anger is, by legal standards, assault. Her mother is not going to go away, and if you want to continue a relationship with your girlfriend, you need to sit down with her and rationally figure out a way to handle any future confrontations. If you don't, it will matter less about how this one event played out, than the fact that you and she don't see eye-to-eye on certain key issues, and it will eventually destroy the relationship.
Can We Ever Be Friends Again?
- Published 02/20/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I began dating a man I've known for 30 years. He is my younger brother's friend and there is a six-year-age difference between us. He was off-limits for the first three decades, but I figured what the heck we're in our forties why not give it a try? He came on to me like gangbusters professing a desire to be with me throughout the years. I gave it a shot. Let me mention that during those 30 years he always visited me and was very generous giving me things. We'd laugh and joke, even while I was dating other men. I never, during those times, had a desire to be with him although he is very attractive and was always considered a player. Well to make a long story short, he came by one day and one thing led to another and we dated for a while and then did the deed. I was uncomfortable after that and backed off after the first time, but he pursued me for six months. So I gave in again. He was very positive at first and prefaced sentences with "We're going to do this, we're going to do that." He did a lot of handyman things around the house and visited quite often (for about six months). I wasn't smitten in the traditional sense since I knew his MO, but the sex was fantastic so I took a chance and decided to put my cards on the table and tell him that I was looking for a relationship. I had a feeling that would bring things to a head so I ran with it. Well, guess what? He did a complete about face and began to act really crass. He stopped kissing me hello (complaining about my lipstick), foreplay became almost non-existent, he started fights for no reason and after sex he would jump up and put his pants on and leave in about an hour or two. (During the six months he would mostly spend the night). The next to last straw was when he said he would return and never showed up. So I read him the riot act. The last straw was when he left me a voice message after the fact saying that he did not want a relationship and he told me this from the beginning (lie). I still continue to be his friend because, I guess, we probably made a mistake sexualizing things in the first place. I refuse to allow his bad behavior to affect our original friendship, and I continue to communicate with him, as does he, on a regular basis. I'm not about to have sex with him again (I'd rather bash my head on some concrete), but I am curious about his behavior. He calls me everyday for one thing or another. I always accommodate him like I used to, but we don't laugh and joke as much as we did before the sex, although I can because even though I do love him, I know a relationship is not in the cards. He's toxic and I've dated his type before. He was the one who said he didn't want the sex to interfere with our friendship and I believe I'm honoring that. What gives? Can we ever go back to where we were? Before the sex?
------------------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------------------
It's sort of classic for a guy who thought he was getting away with dictating the terms of a sexual relationship and, then, ends up rebelling if it turns out to backfire on him. Okay if you're an android, but when human emotions come into play, anything can happen. You say he said from the beginning he didn't want sex to interfere with your friendship. That's like saying, "Here's a box of candy for you, but don't eat any if you think you'll like it." You've known this guy for 30 years, it wasn't a one-night stand and having sex had consequences. He handled it poorly, to say the least. His disappearing act, and the sudden change in his behavior was totally inappropriate and had the emotional maturity of a sixteen year-old boy (no offense to the 16 year-old); although I am aware some sixteen year-old boys can be quite charming. Had he said, after you told him you wanted a relationship, "You're great, but I'm not the "relationship" kinda guy, and when I led you to believe I was, I take full responsibility for my deception. I am so, so sorry." At least, although you would have been hurt, you could have a better chance of repairing any damage to the friendship without feeling as if you were last night's leftovers. As I often say, you can't un-ring a bell, and it won't be easy to undo the current feelings you have for him. He pursued you, he lied when he said he told you from the beginning he did not want a relationship, and he behaved like a jerk. I think some distance would help. Do not be too accessible. It's not game playing, but it would give you some charity concerning your true feelings for him. I think you care very deeply, and would settle for friendship if that's all you can have with him. But I don't know if that will ever make you truly satisfied. And that's the bigger question.
I began dating a man I've known for 30 years. He is my younger brother's friend and there is a six-year-age difference between us. He was off-limits for the first three decades, but I figured what the heck we're in our forties why not give it a try? He came on to me like gangbusters professing a desire to be with me throughout the years. I gave it a shot. Let me mention that during those 30 years he always visited me and was very generous giving me things. We'd laugh and joke, even while I was dating other men. I never, during those times, had a desire to be with him although he is very attractive and was always considered a player. Well to make a long story short, he came by one day and one thing led to another and we dated for a while and then did the deed. I was uncomfortable after that and backed off after the first time, but he pursued me for six months. So I gave in again. He was very positive at first and prefaced sentences with "We're going to do this, we're going to do that." He did a lot of handyman things around the house and visited quite often (for about six months). I wasn't smitten in the traditional sense since I knew his MO, but the sex was fantastic so I took a chance and decided to put my cards on the table and tell him that I was looking for a relationship. I had a feeling that would bring things to a head so I ran with it. Well, guess what? He did a complete about face and began to act really crass. He stopped kissing me hello (complaining about my lipstick), foreplay became almost non-existent, he started fights for no reason and after sex he would jump up and put his pants on and leave in about an hour or two. (During the six months he would mostly spend the night). The next to last straw was when he said he would return and never showed up. So I read him the riot act. The last straw was when he left me a voice message after the fact saying that he did not want a relationship and he told me this from the beginning (lie). I still continue to be his friend because, I guess, we probably made a mistake sexualizing things in the first place. I refuse to allow his bad behavior to affect our original friendship, and I continue to communicate with him, as does he, on a regular basis. I'm not about to have sex with him again (I'd rather bash my head on some concrete), but I am curious about his behavior. He calls me everyday for one thing or another. I always accommodate him like I used to, but we don't laugh and joke as much as we did before the sex, although I can because even though I do love him, I know a relationship is not in the cards. He's toxic and I've dated his type before. He was the one who said he didn't want the sex to interfere with our friendship and I believe I'm honoring that. What gives? Can we ever go back to where we were? Before the sex?
------------------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------------------
It's sort of classic for a guy who thought he was getting away with dictating the terms of a sexual relationship and, then, ends up rebelling if it turns out to backfire on him. Okay if you're an android, but when human emotions come into play, anything can happen. You say he said from the beginning he didn't want sex to interfere with your friendship. That's like saying, "Here's a box of candy for you, but don't eat any if you think you'll like it." You've known this guy for 30 years, it wasn't a one-night stand and having sex had consequences. He handled it poorly, to say the least. His disappearing act, and the sudden change in his behavior was totally inappropriate and had the emotional maturity of a sixteen year-old boy (no offense to the 16 year-old); although I am aware some sixteen year-old boys can be quite charming. Had he said, after you told him you wanted a relationship, "You're great, but I'm not the "relationship" kinda guy, and when I led you to believe I was, I take full responsibility for my deception. I am so, so sorry." At least, although you would have been hurt, you could have a better chance of repairing any damage to the friendship without feeling as if you were last night's leftovers. As I often say, you can't un-ring a bell, and it won't be easy to undo the current feelings you have for him. He pursued you, he lied when he said he told you from the beginning he did not want a relationship, and he behaved like a jerk. I think some distance would help. Do not be too accessible. It's not game playing, but it would give you some charity concerning your true feelings for him. I think you care very deeply, and would settle for friendship if that's all you can have with him. But I don't know if that will ever make you truly satisfied. And that's the bigger question.
