Dear Miss Emily:

My fiance and I have had a weird relationship so far.  He is currently in jail. Just a few days after he went to jail, I talked to a girl who also said that she was dating him. I was deeply hurt. He explained that he had bee dating her when we met, and he hadn't gotten the nerve to break up with her. The thing that he had with her is over. He will be home in about 3 months, and I told him that I will wait for him and he trusts me completely. Yesterday, my ex got in contact with me. I agreed to meet and speak with him. Our relationship had ended quite badly. To make a long story short, we ended up sleeping together. Immediately afterward, I felt terrible. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. I have never been the type to cheat. I do not know if I should tell my boyfriend and make him lose all trust in me, or if I should keep it a secret and make sure that it never happens again. I am afraid that I will lose him if I tell him, and that is the last thing that I wanna do. Should I tell him?

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------

This whole story is absurd. Not that it isn't true (on your part), but I think you're being railroaded by a con artist. This guy is your fiance, and he failed to mention to you that he didn't tell a woman he was dating it's over? He was dating her when you met, and he hadn't the heart to break up with her? Gee, what a guy. He's in jail, he was seeing another woman at the same time he's engaged to you, and you worry about him trusting you? I'm stunned at your naivete. I don't doubt that you ex is not the right guy for you, because you seem to have a habit of choosing the wrong men. Of course, if you told your jailbird you slept with your ex that would cause tremendous doubt on his part, and he probably would not trust you, again -- or dump you (that would be a blessing in disguise). But since there's no trust in this relationship, anyway, I wonder what difference it would truly make if you did tell him?! This relationship is not only weird, it's wrong. And if you stay with him, you'll have only yourself to blame when you found out he was nothing more than what he appeared to be, but you put blinders on to avoid seeing the truth.

Dear Miss Emily:

Hello. A very close friend of mine has recently fallen for a guy who is really unstable. One second he is telling her he loves her, the next he is breaking up with her. They have been on and off several times for the last 4 months. I have talked to her about it, telling her she deserves somebody who won't play her like a puppet. But she keeps getting back with him. I hate seeing her get hurt every time, so I sent a really long message to her boyfriend, suggesting that he sort himself out and stop hurting her. Am I getting too involved in their relationship? And should I just back away and watch the same vicious cycle continue?

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------

Yes, it's time to back off. If anything you said had been taken to heart, your girlfriend would have decided to stay away from this guy. Your letter to him, more than likely, won't make a difference in their relationship, but it could, now, drive a wedge in the relationship you have with her. But whatever the outcome, your friend seems to want to learn the hard way, or hope she can prove everyone is wrong about him. But, ultimately, it's her life, and you must let her live it -- no matter her apparent need to be jerked around.

Dear Miss Emily:

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months now. I know that's not very long. but we have spent nearly every day together so we have grown extremely close within that short amount of time. I don't have the highest self esteem, but every guy I've been in a relationship with has always made me feel comfortable with who I am, what I look like, but not this one! Within four months. he has never once called me beautiful, told me I was sexy, or that he was attracted to me. He never initiates sex. or any physical contact at all. Despite how he makes me feel, I try to reassure him that I'm attracted to him. I call him pet names like "cutie" "sexy" "hottie" -- just little names to let him know that I'm attracted to him. I just don't understand why he isn't attracted to me. I honestly don't know how to react. I made the mistake today by asking him if he was attracted to me. He said "yes, why you'd ask?" I replied "Well, I just honestly don't feel like you are." Two hours later...still no response. :( help please.

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

What you see is what you get with this one. It's more than possible he would be like this in any relationship he had. The biggest mistake you could make, however, is thinking he will change. That's a lesson in futility. Few people change their basic nature. It seems odd that he would stay with you if you didn't "float his boat", and that's why I think he's just, well, kind of a dud. He doesn't initiate sex, or physical contact and, for you, that's not a relationship, it's closer to dentistry and pulling teeth. Spare yourself any more self-esteem blows from a guy who simply seems inept. You and he must have some things in common, or I can't figure out why you'd accept his low libido, and total lack of enthusiasm. If he's a chronic pot smoker, that could account for some of his sexual lethargy, but that's a guess on my part. I think you need to send him packing, and stop trying to fish for compliments. It's demeaning to you, and totally unnecessary. You want a man, not a mannequin.

My boyfriend and I just broke up after a 5 month long distance relationship.  I went to visit him every 2 weeks for a long weekend and for all holidays.  I was planning to move there once I was done with school.  We got along very well.  He is a family man.  He thinks nothing is more important than family.  His 6 year old daughter is his number 1 priority, and he always made that very clear.  It took us 4 months to even have our first date because he always wanted her or his mom included in everything we did.  The breaking point was when we had a discussion about traveling.  I told him I wanted to see a few places before I die.  Greece, Italy and England.  He always made it clear that he doesn't want to travel anywhere too far from home as he did that when he was in the Navy.  He has no interest in it.  I always said I would go with my friends or my sisters if he wouldn't go.  Well, it finally came out that he doesn't believe in people who are in relationships going on vacations without the other unless it is with their family.  So I can go to Greece, but it has to be with my sisters or my mom.  I cannot go with my friends.  I cannot go to visit my friends whom I am moving away from to move to him.  I get together with my high school girlfriends once a year for a weekend, and he doesn't believe in that.  He thinks that is something single people do, but all of them are married with kids.  I said I couldn't be with someone who couldn't support my dreams of traveling to these places and who woouldn't allow me to visit friends.  I just can't wrap my head around his way of thinking.  Am I thinking wrong?  Should I make family the most important thing?  I do want a family, and I do feel they are very important, but can't I have both?  Am I being unreasonable wanting the option to visit my friends once in a while? He said he wants a simple and stable life, which is what I want as well, but I also want to see these places as well as my friends.  I asked him if he would compromise and agree to one week a year.  I would travel to see my friends, or to see something on my bucket list, and he said it wouldn't work.  I know he was worried about other events that might come up that my friends might invite me to, and he would say no.  My argument is - if I were to travel it might be 5% of our lives together.  Isn't our relationship worth 5% of our lives?  He said we think too differently, it would never work.  Please help me understand his way of thinking.

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

Dear Miss Emily

I am in a very odd situation. I was engaged with my high school sweetheart when I met another man. He completely swept me off my feet, and made me feel adored. The problem is having feelings for both. They are completely different. My old love makes me feel insecure and as if I need him, whereas my new love makes me feel like royalty. The problem is my new love moved back home across the country. and isn't wealthy. but is doing everything in his power to come back to me. My first love has a wealthy family and does offer security. My parents hate my new love, because they feel he can't give me what I deserve. I know if he was back in my life and proved, once more, that he can be with me -- and financially stable -- then I would be with him. I know its going to take time. but since he's not here. I'm still, technically, with my first. It's devastates my new love, but he must understand where I'm coming from. I'm just not sure if I should take the leap for him, or take the security.

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------

I don't think you should choose either man, necessarily. Marriage isn't, or shouldn't be a crap shoot. If you're marrying your high school sweetheart out of security, that's fine when you want a spa treatment, but what about all the other things that make a relationship work? You want trust, respect, common interests and values, open communication, and a commitment to form a lasting, and working partnership. You should have these ducks in a row, and be eager to get your life started with the man you love. I don't know if the guy who treats you like royalty is right for you. It was in the "honeymoon stage" and both of you were caught up in the heady moments of new love. For you, it was an escape from what you were used to having with your fiance, and for him it was the newness of a relationship with a women he thinks is his dream girl. But you haven't spent enough time with him to know if this can work for the long-haul. Having financial difficulty is never a good thing, but if you're signing yourself on to country club life because your fiance come from money, that had better be your main interest in marrying.  Because if you're not fulfilled in ways you want, you'll have an affair. And boy, won't that have tongues wagging at the club!

Dear Miss Emily:
 
I'd like to get advice on how to start a relationship with an older, inexperienced man. I'm 26 and he's 41. I've always been attracted to, or dated the younger guy and, suddenly, I feel that I'm attracted to him. We work together. and he's a bit of a mentor to me as well. We're communicating on a daily basis but, basically, all our conversations are related to work. Suddenly he said to me that I was able to call him, not only when something unfixable happens at work, but just to say that, for instance, everything's alright. And I did that. One Friday evening, I called him just to say hi and ask what he's up to. He seemed very surprised, and it was me who tried to keep a conversation going. It didn't last that long. After that, I was a bit nervous to meet him at work (like a teenager) but pretended that everything was so natural that he actually came to me first to ask did I have fun that Friday, and stuff. I need to mention that he always comes to say goodbye to me before heading home from work. Last week, I was really bold in my own terms, and we actually started to flirt at work (or it was what I would assume to be flirting) and, in the end, I said  I'd like to invite him for a coffee some time. He stood speechless with a starnge smile, and I said I meant it. So he finally said, "That's nice!". Some more details about me and him: My ex boyfriend is working at the place (we broke up like 3 months ago), and he knows it. I'm pretty new at work, but I've heard romours that he still lives with his parents, and he told me   he has no family of his own. I believe that he can be a 40-year-old-virgin or, at least, he has never had a real girlfriend. He never goes out. I hope this gives you some brief overview of my situation. My questions are: How should I approach him so that I'd not scare him off or make a wrong impression? I've never been involved with an older man, and I'd like to know what would be appropriate to do for us to become more than friends? I really like him, would like to know him better and develop a relationship, but I'm afraid I'll go overboard. Thank you for your time!

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

 

I have been in a relationship with a guy for over 3 years now, and we are currently in a rough patch. He says he still loves me but doesn't feel intimate feelings any more, and he doesn't know why. If I kiss him, his eyes are open watching tv. Or, I say I love you, and he says it back really fast. But he says it hurts him to see me hurt. It's been going on for two months now. I love him so much, and I'm scared to death of losing him. Any ideas to bring back the spark?

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

It's he who feels this way, not you, and I am sure you're doing all you can to keep the spark ignited. I won't lie to you, this isn't a good sign. Assuming you have good hygiene, and your breath is always fresh, he no longer seems engaged in this relationship, and it's insulting to you for him to carry on in this manner. To kiss you with his eyes open while watching T.V., and to spit out the words "I love you" as if he were speaking another language is all you need to know. I know you see this as rejection and, in a sense, it is -- but it may have everything to do with who he is, and he might have had this problem consistently in relationships. Whatever the reason, I don't think this one is right for you, and you're going to have your feelings hurt, big time, if you stay in it.

Dear Miss Emily:

So my boyfriend, who I am about to have a baby with, would rather go out all hours of the night and stay out! He is going to school for his paramedics, and works with this girl who he always flirts with. He calls her boo, and crap, and it's really getting to me. We don't do anything together, and he tries to blame me for all the fussing and stuff. I'm pregnant, so I do have hormones that I can't just up and control. Should I be worried about there being someone else, because he's staying out all the time?

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------

If this pregnancy was unplanned, I can tell you this is quite common. I get letters about this, frequently. Perhaps he has some inner resentment that he's going to be a father and/or trapped in this relationship, but he should feel some obligation to be there for you at this time; despite the fact he doesn't see it that way! Unless you tricked him, he knows how females get pregnant. Being out late, and flirting with this girl (no matter the pregnancy planned, or not) shows a total lack of respect for you, but you can't win with him if he thinks you're causing trouble when, in his mind, none exist. Asking him to be respectful, and make every effort to be engaged in this relationship is all you can do right now; unless you gave him an ultimatum. But ultimatums are often nothing more than empty words, and you don't even seem like you're thinking on those lines. Maybe he does have an interest in this other woman, but you can't know how much unless you were to have some proof. Being pregnant is hard enough without all this stress in your life. It's best, now, to concentrate of making sure you're getting enough sleep and eating right. I know it's hard to not fret when he's behaving this way, but your loyalty must be to the baby first. When the baby comes, you'll have a better idea of what kind of partner, and father he wants to be.  By law, he's obligated to pay some child support if he decides to back out of the relationship.  However, there are no laws that force a parent to be a parent. I wish you the best on this, but only time will tell the outcome.

I feel not respected by my husband. Hes been in jail, and he has had other girl visit him giving him money and stuff. After a year of marriage, I still feel sick with it. What should I do? She's still around?

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

I think the best thing to do is divorce him. If he has another woman in his life, you don't have a real marriage, but one in name, only.  He will beg you to not do this (more than likely), but that's because he won't be able to handle you showing courage in this unholy alliance. I know you can find a better man than him. And it wouldn't take much to find him, either! I would start looking at men who understand the meaning of respect and commitment, for one. He's a "jailbird" cheater, and loser, and he's dragging you down with him.