Dear Miss Emily:

The guy I'm falling in love with is my best friend’s older brother’s friend. I dated him 2 years ago. I just met my best friend this year. Her mom won't let me talk to him when he and I are at my friend’s house. We both want to go out with each other, but if my best friend finds out, it would ruin our relationship. But when I'm with him, I'm the happiest. What should I do?
Walking a fine line

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Walking:

I am somewhat confused by your letter. If you have already dated this guy, I am not sure why your friendship would be ruined with this girl.  I could understand why you friend’s mom is monitoring your involvement with him (under her roof) if there’s a big age difference – or a concern that there will be some kind of sexual activity, but for no other reasons.  Think this out.  If there is nothing you are failing to tell me in this letter, why should anyone be able to dictate the direction you take with this guy? Learn this lesson now: A friendship is not based on jealousy, control and fear.  If this “best friend” exhibits any of these characteristics, cut your losses and begin interviewing for a new best friend.  

Dear Miss Emily:

There’s a girl that I absolutely think is down to earth and the most amazing person I have ever met, but the weird thing is, I’ve only seen her 4 times.  Is this okay?  I really want to go out with her but, obviously, I think it’s way too early.  But the main thing that’s made me think there’s hope, is when I spoke to her over msn. She asked me a unusual question: "Does my age put you off at all?" I’m 17 she is 15.  Was that question a hint? Last time I saw her was at a house party. We had random conversation when we came across one another, and she kept looking in my direction.  I really want to ask her out, but the only disadvantage is she lives at least 45 minutes away, and I can only see her on weekends.  What should I do? Or what do you think?
Ready to make a move

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------

Dear Ready:

Based on what you have told me – she asked if her age put you off (I assume you said, “No!”), and she was frequently looking in your direction at the party, I say, what are you waiting for, an invitation to ask her out printed on the front page of the New York Times? I can see that the distance is a negative. Usually, when a relationship just gets off the ground, accessibility is an advantage, but it shouldn’t be a deterrent from getting to know her and seeing where it goes. The only snag could be if her parents do not allow her to date at 15.  But you will never know unless you take the first step.  Don’t ask her what she thinks you two should do when you get together. Make reasonable plans ahead of time.  This will show her that you are a responsible, take-charge kinda guy.         

Dear Miss Emily:

Well, I am kind of into this guy but when I see him he looks at me, like right in my face and I do the same, but I don’t think the look is anything, really.  I just need help so he can notice me. I really need help!
Seeking

-------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------

Dear Seeking:

You’ll never know what that looks means unless you take it to the next step.  No girl has to wait for a guy to make the next move.  You have to strike up a conversation with him when the opportunity presents itself.  If you are too shy to do that, blow him a kiss. It will make you look free-spirited, but it doesn't make you look stupid.  If he's interested, he should make the next move.  

Dear Miss Emily:

Ok, well, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up like 4 weeks ago.  He said he wasn’t happy.  Then, the next day after the breakup he got another girlfriend.  After the breakup we didn’t talk for 2 weeks and then he called me. We talked about why we broke up.  He said that I lied.  We both said a few lies to each other. But before he broke up with me, my close friend told me that he was seen with a girl and it didn’t look good. We are friends now, but when we see each other he hugs me and acts loveable, then he tells me he wants to get back together.  It’s hard to be friends with him ‘cause this is the second time he broke up with me and has another girlfriend the next day. I don’t know what to do.  I still have feelings for him which is why I wanna be friends but it hurts a lot. Please help.
Jerked Around

--------------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------------

Dear Jerked:

If I were you, I wouldn’t be so quick to take up again with “boy-gone-wild.”  He wants you, and he wants other girls as backup.  This may be a natural high for him, but it should be a downer for the ladies.  Take a look at who he really is – maybe a good guy at heart, but not boyfriend material.  If you two were lying to each other, trust was never the foundation of your relationship from the start. Back off on his overly-affectionate behavior and set him straight.  You have the power to do it, so use it!  Never settle for being anyone’s “second or third helping” unless you are such a loser that you think this is as good as you can get.  Only you can decide what happens next.  

Dear Miss Emily,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for nine months now. This is our second time being together. At first, everything was going well, we rarely ever fought and he always wanted to spend all his time with me.  Now things are different. He doesn’t spend as much time with me.  He doesn’t tell me how much he loves me like he used to.  I’m always scared he might be doing something while he’s with his friends. I don’t know what to do anymore.  I feel so in love with him that I’m too scared to let go. The last thing I want to do is break up. It’s like I know he loves me, but I just wish he would show me a lot more. Is that too much to ask?  I don’t know whether I have the problem or he does. Also, I get mad at him for stupid things and I cant help it.  I really love him, and we're really young (im 14 and he's 16), but we want to be together forever more than anything. How are we suppose to make things work if we fight? Should we take a break? Do you know anything we could try to make our relationship more healthy and fun?
Fourteen Going on Forty

---------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------

Dear Fourteen:

You are all over the map of this one.  Things were going well – and now he treats you differently.  You love him and he loves you, and you want to be together forever, more than anything.  First, please believe me when I say that I understand what you are feeling, and in no way do I wish to insult you for these feelings.  However, forever and ever at fourteen and sixteen is not being realistic.  Your boyfriend is probably feeling the pressure of this relationship (the second time around), because you’ve wrapped your world around his world.  It seems pretty suffocating, to me.  I sense a girl who’s somewhat paranoid and needy when you don’t trust him if he’s out-of-sight and you “get mad at him for stupid things.” Is this what a fourteen year-old girl should be doing?  In fact, should anyone do this?  I know that boys are born with a sense of entitlement and girls often are delegated to a subservient role, but those patterns can be broken if girls take charge of their lives and feel less-than-adequate to no one.  Get something going in your own life and don’t let him encompass your every waking moment.  If you continue on this path, you two will be going your separate ways and you are destine to repeat your mistakes.  Gather your insecurities and send them packing.  It’s not too late to figure out how to conduct a healthy relationship.  Guys who are worth your time will respect and admire you for your strengths. Who knows, maybe your boyfriend will end up being at the top of your fan-club list if you show him that you are no pushover.  


     

Hey Emily,
I have a question for you: I'm 16 years old, and I've had a crush on this girl at my school for about a year now. We met in science class, and she'd always go up and say hi to me. A month ago, I got her number (and she said I was "cute" for doing so).  I've tried to call a few times, and text her, but most of the time she won't answer. When she does, she's very sweet, but I get so confused when she doesn't. I was pretty sure that she liked me, but now it seems like she doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe she's just lazy when it comes to getting back to people. Maybe I'm reading this wrong. But I asked her to a movie once, but she said "she was camping with her grandparents." Now this could be a true statement, but a little hard to believe.  I really like her, and I don't want to throw away a relationship if it's a misunderstanding. But what if it isn't? I've had relationships in the past (that haven't worked out AT ALL), and for once I want a working relationship.  Am I doing something wrong? I only call/text a few times a week, but is there something I need to do to get her to talk to me more?
Ready for more

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------

Dear Ready:

You know, you seem like a guy who’s smart and knows what he wants.  In fact, I think she’d be lucky to have you.  Her loss, indeed.  If someone wants to be involved in a relationship, they don’t become lazy about it before it even has a chance to begin.  If she said it was “cute” that you asked for her number, to me, that sounds condescending.  There’s nothing cute about it.  It’s a serious request suggesting that you are interested in her.  I can’t imagine how there could be a misunderstanding about your intentions.  She’d have to be a real ditz not to get the message.  Stop the text messages and calls (it’s bordering on obnoxious).  Only then will you find out if she’s interested, because she’ll want to know why.  It’s possible that she’s scared to get involved with anyone but, at sixteen, most teenagers know the ropes.  Relationships can be tough. Many of them are testing grounds until you find one that sticks.  I think the best relationships work because there are shared common goals and interests.  You’ve done all you can do.  The ball’s in her court.       

Dear Miss Emily:

On the 27th, it was my best friend’s birthday so we went out camping for the night.  I was introduced to many new people but there was one in particular named Susie.  We are both 17 years old.  Throughout the night, we got to know each other and it turned out we had a massive amount in common. She also told me about her relationship problems and she’s been single for 7 days. Later that night, I spoke to her privately, told her how I felt and that I understand how she is feeling from the break up with her ex-boyfriend.  But at the same time, she wasn’t exactly sober, so I was worried that she might forget in the morning, so now I do not know what to do.  I don’t even know if she likes me, what should I do?
Not So Happy Camper

--------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------

Dear Not So:

It’s always difficult to go after someone immediately after they have broken-up with another person – for obvious reasons.  You put yourself out there, only to be told,  “I’m sorry, but my boyfriend and I just got back together.”  However, this should not yet be a no-end situation if you play your cards right.  Hopefully, you know how to contact her.  If you have her number, give her a call and find out how’s she’s doing.  Offer friendship for now, “If you ever need to talk . . .” sort of thing, and be cool about it.  Give her your number and see if she gets in touch with you.  There’s little you can do other than that, because forcing the issue will make you look foolish and desperate.  This I do know, the guy who shows he has confidence, without being pushy, is the guy who gets noticed.  Girls love a good listener.  Not a lot of guys have that ability, because they have not learned to respect the art of communication, nor how important it is to a women.  If she calls you back, that’s a good sign, indeed.  After a few conversations, send a small bouquet of flowers.  Good luck!             

Dear Miss Emily:

A girl I like never has noticed me before until a few days ago.  How do I get noticed more by her when I think she likes someone else?
At A Loss

--------------------------Miss Emily’s Advice--------------------

Dear At A Loss:

You didn’t tell me in which way she started to notice you, but I’d encourage the same circumstance. Now that you have been noticed, find a way to be in a position to talk with her, because it’s time to advance to stage 2 – getting to know each other.  Make it happen.  Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And don’t assume that she likes someone else until you see them “together.”  Put yourself out there, show her the great person you know you are and, more than likely, she’ll take notice.  If it doesn’t click, at least you made the effort.  The guy who gets the girl is the one who puts himself at center stage, instead of making excuses for not doing it and, instead, chooses to wait in the wings.  It’s a lonely place to be if you're not willing to test your mettle.  I say, go for it!    

Dear Miss Emily:

What do you do if you like this guy and you think you love him and he is older than you and you are good friends and you probably won’t see him for a year and all you can do is think of him every single day and dream about him and you think you and he are meant to be?? Please help!!!
Driven

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------

Dear Driven:

Are the set of circumstances reasonable in order to pursue a relationship?  Age could be less of a problem than the fact that this guy is going to be gone for a year. This is not the best time to hook-up, unless he's off to Iraq and would relish the idea of having a girl back home. That said, I’m a firm believer in laying the cards on the table, and this is why:  A lot of time is wasted when people choose, for whatever reason, to guess the truth rather than seeking it. You can dream, hope and pray that this guy picks up your true feelings and acts on them, but I think this is wishful thinking that is non-productive.  It’s best to learn, early on in life, that you’ll seldom get what you want unless you ask for it.  Sure there’s the risk of rejection but, ultimately, it’s worth it.  Bite the bullet and say (in a way that might make you look like you are waiting for a knockout punch) “You know, I’ve been hiding the fact that I really like you a lot more than you probably realize.” Now he is given the opportunity to be honest with you.  If he says thanks, but no thanks, act as if it’s not a big deal, and follow it with, “That’s okay. I can live with that!”  Now you can go on with your life, knowing the facts and accepting them.  Hope this advice helps!     

Dear Miss Emily:
 
I have a little problem with my boyfriend.  We've been together for 5 months, now, but just don’t kiss!  Okay, we have kissed like 5 times, but never a real one.  I don’t know what to do, ‘cause I think kisses are important in a relationship and it’s not like we are 11. We are already 17!  I don’t know what to do, because he is a very, very shy guy.  He has a lot of insecurity, and he hasn’t kissed a girl before, but he knows I kissed a lot with my ex.  I don’t mean to pressure him, but I think it’s time (it was time since a long time ago).  Once I asked him what was his opinion about us kissing, and he said it was okay, but he quickly change the subject.  I can see he is embarrassed with his friends ( also mine), because he avoids the kissing subject with them, or says that we don’t kiss because I'm not ready or sure about it. I really love him, and I don’t want to break up over something so silly but, at the same time, it’s important to me.  I don’t know if I should just go and kiss him (I'm a little nervous, too, because I don’t have a lot of experience), or if I should ask him to kiss me or to wait for him.  Please help me with my pathetic problem, and thank you very much.
No Kiss ‘n Tell

-------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------

Dear No Kiss:

The obvious – check your breath situation, although I am pretty sure this is not the problem.  In high school, I knew a guy who didn’t know how to kiss, and he needed to be taught.  After that, he was a kissing fool.  This may not be the case, here, but being painfully shy could be the reason he's balking.  However, you can’t usually get what you want unless you insist on it.  No kissing with a boyfriend is really more of you hanging around a boy who’s a friend.  His passing the buck – he thinks you’re not ready, may seem like a valid excuse to him, but no one with any common sense would buy it.  “Gee, it’s your fault.  Didn’t you realize that!”  I would tell him that you want to explore the idea of getting past this hurdle, because it’s important to you and, as you said, long overdue.  If he agrees, take control.  Set aside a time where the atmosphere is relaxed and stress free. Gently use your tongue, but don’t shove it down his throat.  Keep the saliva to a minimum.  No one wants a bath with a kiss!  If he’s not willing to do this, he’s got problems that go deeper than he's letting on.  Maybe he’s the gay guy in the movie “Clueless.”  He pretends he can be boyfriend material until the chips are down and he’s tested.  Again, tell yourself what you want out of this relationship, and pursue it.  Kissing is a normal couple activity, although some males are more into it than others -- for example, guys who see this as just a necessary means to moving toward the "big enchilada."  If it’s not for him, you'll have to decide if his other attributes are good enough to carry-on as usual. Frustration on your part regarding this matter will, most likely, drive you to having doubts about yourself, rather than realizing that this guy’s hang-ups prevent him from having a normal girl/boy relationship. Only he can fix the problem, and only "if" he's willing to do so.  I wish you success.