Dear Miss Emily,

As stated by many individuals whom have come to you for advise, I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm a 17 year old female. Four years ago I lost my mother. I was raised by her, and relied on her for so much support and she was wonderful. More of a best friend to me than anything else, and my father...of course, he was there for me financially (giving me a roof over my head, planning trips etc.) but emotionally, he was never there. When she died, just as he had before, I would be told to 'f' off if he was watching hockey, and I would be yelled at for pointless things and he made sure I was alone in coping with my mother's death. I felt completely alone and worthless. I felt, and still feel, like I have no family to support me for they all support my father in both good and wrong doings. I'm not even allowed to see my brothers (whom are not the greatest influences), or my mom's side of the family. But..that is just the general overview. I am a very quiet person, and keep to myself. Who would have guessed that I would fall in love with someone who loves me. I feel so taken care of, and for once safe. I'm protected when I'm with him, and we've been together for a year and a half. Next year, I'll be finished with high school and on to university, but...I'm wondering if I should move in with my boyfriend. He's had his share of.a troubled past and done things he shouldn't have -- but he's so kind and protecting. I feel like I have a family, again, when I'm with him. Like I belong! But I feel this..guilt of leaving my father even after all this stress and anger. I was suicidal the first year after my mother passed away, and I don't even have many friends because of my timidity. But my boyfriend accepts me for who I am. Should..I move in with him at such a young age?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------

I'm reluctant to suggest that you move in with him, because I think it's imperative you get your emotional house in order, so to speak, and avoid depending on him in areas that you need to develop on your own. What you have been through would be traumatic even for the most outgoing person, yet it is even harder for those who have little outlet to express their feelings when shyness prevents it. I am sure your father has had his own set of issues about the loss of your mother, but it is truly sad when the remaining parent is not capable of putting his grief in check nor best foot forward in order to prevent alienating his child, or children. That said, you are not his parent and it is up to him to find the strength to carry on -- and it is up to you to set your sails on a new course. Is it possible for you to live in a dorm situation at college? This would be the best interim step rather than jumping into a live-in relationship with your boyfriend right now. Again, you need to find your own footing and, although I know your boyfriend has been a great support system, it's time you figured out who you are (and that's a great person who has a lot to give all the right people), how you fit into the world, and what tools you will need to develop in order to get through life well, rather than just okay. As unfortunate as it is, you are not the first person to lose a loving parent and, although tough to see your family as disjointed and almost hostile, time may heal some of the distance with these people as life tumbles on. As well, I know plenty of friends who make their friends "family" because we, ultimately, choose our friends -- yet are given a set of parents, and a set of circumstances beyond our control. This is a rough period in your life, but you'll gain strength by understanding that you are responsible for the direction of your life, and you can make it whatever you choose -- and with apologies to none.

Dear Miss Emily:

I'm currently with this guy named "Jim" and I love him. But he's cheated on me before, a lot. But the rest of the time hes just soo sweet. But today I went to the pool and saw my ex boyfriend of 11 months. I felt something with him. It's almost like it's love even though he's 16, and I'm 12. And I know u think I'm to young to "love" anybody, but really love has nothing to do with age!  My ex asked me out, and I said yes. but I'm still dating "Jim" who's 14. Both guys know each other and hate each other! "Jim" tells me my ex just wants me so he can have sex with me and when I tell him, "NO!" he'll break up with me. And I just need some help, I can't let go of "Jim" I love him but I love my ex too. Help!

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------

I'm not crazy about either guy since your current boyfriend cheated on you, and the sixteen year-old seems to be someone who probably might think sex with you is an option given his age. Of course, you can say no, and I hope you truly believe that. Teens, at your age, have a tendency to be pretty fickle, so I cut a lot of slack on the "cheating" issue as long as it's more or less flirting and not repeated lying and cheating -- and that would mean meeting other girls and having some physical contact and deceiving you. If "Jim" seems loyal, now, despite his past indiscretions (if they are minor), I'd stick with him, because a sixteen year-old guy will probably become bored with a twelve year-old, despite your past with him, easier than your current boyfriend. That said, there are no guarantees either relationship will work out given the difficulties surrounding them. 

Dear Miss Emily:

Dear Miss Emily:

Exactly 2months ago i started a long distance relationship with someone. I am a little confused as i am not certain this will work, but i know he has feelings for me. Let me just point out we used to attend high school together, and his family knows mine. The main thing is he will be coming to see me in August, and i have a lot of hang ups. I am some sort of a social butterfly, and he's not the normal person i would date -- plus i don't find him physically attractive. What if when he comes i become totally turned off?  He is a christian, i am a worldian, i love sex, he doesn't want sex before marriage. You see where the difficulties lie. However, he makes me soo happy, just hearing his voice makes me want to sing --  at times i do :)  I know i sound confused, yes i am, but i hope i am making sense. I am also afraid i will be ridiculed behind my back from my social associates, as he doesnt fit the stereotypical image of what a social butterfly's boyfriend should be. PLEASE HELP!

--------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------

If this guy makes you sing (and I wish I could remember the last time that happened in my little world), who cares what anyone else may think? That seems a tad shallow, in my humble opinion. He may not be the typical guy you date, nor socially meets a standard, but you have a friendship and, although he likes you, you can set the terms of the relationship. If you make it clear to the people with whom you socialize that his family is friends with your family, and he's visiting on vacation, I see no reason to panic. I think you're worrying, needlessly. The fact that he doesn't want sex before marriage lets you off the hook. If he does move in for a kiss, and you aren't interested, tell him! I think he'll be able to go on with his life without considering suicide. But what may be gained by seeing him, in August, is a lasting friendship you will cherish for many years to come.  

Dear Miss Emily:

My ex boyfriend and I dated for two years but it ended when he broke up with me. It's been about 7 months since we broke up and now he wants me back.  He has had two other girlfriends in the mean time and just broke up with his last one to try and win me back. Now he is constantly giving me compliments and trying to win me over but idk if I can trust him.  When he broke up with me, it broke my heart and I was devastated. Since our freshman year, we dated and broke up twice. Sometimes he treated me poorly and was very controlling at times. Sometimes he wouldn't let me hang out with my guy friends and he was constantly looking through my phone. But no question about it, I love him.  Another thing is that my parents hate him for breaking up with me. My ex promises me that he'll change and never break my heart, again, and will be the best boyfriend ever. I don't know if I should believe this or not since he broke my heart last time. Should I give him one more chance?

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------

Change is hard, and never is a long time! He may think he's different, now, but I'm not convinced. If you decide to give it another chance -- and that would be coming from a position of fully understanding  it may not work out a second time, why not try an occasional date with him, at first, and see how it goes? Don't commit to getting back together, but give it time to nurture, if it's possible, as to allow you the opportunity to see if he's capable of the change he professes to possess. If he's as sincere as he says he is, he'll do it your way. If he wants all or nothing, or pressures you soon after seeing him, again, you'll learn if he really hasn't changed -- he's still in the driver's seat and will never acquiesce to any other role. Don't put yourself in a position of weakness but, rather, one of strength. Take responsibility for your actions, your choices, and leave a situation when it no longer is good for you. Few people are exempt from emotional pain when it comes to matters of the heart -- but there has to come a time with logic outweighs the "but I love him" approach in order to be content with your life -- and be in charge of your life! 

Dear Miss Emily:

I've been with my boyfriend for two months now and he just went on vacation for three weeks. He called me once, after ten days of being gone, and sent me two text messages during the whole three weeks. Should I break up with him? what should I do?

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

No, don't break up with him. I thinks he's been a bit neglectful, but vacations are often busy times with family and he doesn't know how to balance the two. I know you want to be with him but, if I were you, I'd cool my jets and welcome him with opened arms when he gets home. Guys aren't as text-obsessed as girls, and calling may be hard to do when people are always around. You've only been together two months, not two years. It takes time to get it right.

Emily:

Hi, ive never really done this be4 and i hope you can help me. i am bi and recently in a relationship with one of my exs. She and I are going on our 2 month anniversary.  i feel like she's the one and we get along most of the time, but i don't feel like she feels the same way. we've been fighting way more since her friend hangs out with us so much, but when we're alone we don't argue at all. we have the best time. another thing that concerns me is her friend hangs around all the time. my girlfriend says there's nothing going on, but i think there is. do you think shes cheating on me with her best friend? can you help me find away to stop all these fights?

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------

No, I don't think she's necessarily cheating on you with this best friend. She likes her around because her friendship is important in her. She may feel some obligation to spend equal time with her. I suspect the fights are because you feel jealous of their relationship, and she gets defensive. But if I were you, I'd cool it and let this play out how it will. If your girl is more interested in spending time with her friend than having a close, solid relationship with you, she's not ready to have a serious relationship and considers you more of an experience than a commitment. You can't force someone to care, but you can show self-respect, and make decisions based on what's right for you.  

FOLLOW UP TO PREVIOUS LETTER:

Dear Miss Emily:

Thank you and i want to tell you that we have talked everything out to be honest he does not know that i know that he has decided to get a ring,.if he does we wouldn't get married for a long time. He's looking at as an engagement ring and I'm looking at it as more as a promise ring i guess. I know teen relationships don't last that often but I'd been with him a little over a year and I've never thought about somebody as much as I do him, and I've never been happy like I am now. We've made plans and i want them to happen i really do, but how do i tell him that yes i want to marry him someday, but i only want the ring to be a promise ring, and later on turn into an engagement ring? Or do I just say yes I want to marry, but after collage and not say anything about the ring being a promise ring?

------------------------Miss Emily's additional advice---------------------

This is the kind of test you and he are going to have in this relationship -- and it centers on honesty. I think it's a mistake to mislead as a way of not hurting someone's feelings. If you think you want to spend your life with this guy, it's best to keep those lines of communication open. Because, if you don't, you're pretty much going along with a lie -- it's an engagement ring to him -- it's a promise ring to you -- and you will feel uncomfortable if it's brought up with family and friends and the explanation around it. Although it's a type of commitment -- one has a more serious connotation. I understand why you want it to be less demonstrative than an engagement ring -- especially at this age. This could be an awfully long engagement if you plan college and want to wait until it's over to marry. Again, the best way to handle this is to be straight with him. Now, all that said, if this didn't go the way you plan it -- if you and he (God forbid) decided to go your separate ways, whether it be a promise ring, or an engagement ring, the end result would be the same.

Dear Miss Emily:

I have really nobody to talk to cause its all embarrassing. So my boyfriend he has sorta decided that he wants to get me a ring and ask me to marry him, and I'm not sure what i am suppose to do because i love him  -- but there's a problem-- he gets all angry when i hang out with my other guy friends and he doesn't trust me at all. But he so kind, and he gets me but i need to know if he's basically trying to control my life. Does that mean he doesn't really love me?

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

I think there's an attempt to control your environment, and that's unfortunate because it's going to ruin your relationship with him. But, yes, in his way, he loves you. Trust has to be the cornerstone of any good, lasting relationship and he has to know he can trust you and vice-versa. If he's included when you see these friends, or at least you ask him along, he has no cause to be concerned. However, you should give him top priority without feeling as if you're giving something up, or feel stripped of your freedom to be who you are. I tend to think you two aren't ready for marriage -- and it would be silly to entertain the idea unless you truly are. Know what you're getting into before you take that leap. It's a big one and can backfire if you aren't prepared for what's ahead. I think marriage used to have greater meaning in days now gone. Many people, today, look at marriage as something they may revisit more than once -- nor truly understand the ramifications if it doesn't work out -- thinking it's easy to get a divorce and start again. But if you have kids, that's when divorce gets dicey. I always liked the idea of finding the right person and creating a new life and family with that person -- with trust, commitment and absolute respect as its foundation -- and have it be "forever." Ah, we can dream, can't we? Bottom line: Ask yourself these questions: What about children? Would I be ready if it happened? Do I plan on waiting to have them? Are we both financially secure? Do we have a plan that will make our lives together a success, or are we just going to hope things work out? These are all areas to consider before you take that ring from a sweet guy who may get you, but also gets jealous, has trust issues, and wants to call the shots in ways you object.  Work all this out, or I  think you'll regret being hasty.