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Crush Goes Haywire
- Published 01/25/2012
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily:
I have a question and this is the problem: I had a crush on this guy, and once I told him, he told me he didn't feel the same. I accepted, but once I sent a friend request to him on a social website. He didn't accept it, and thought I was stalking him. He's broken my heart a couple of times, as well. My question? What did I do wrong? How come he's avoiding me so much?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Your crush, I think, thought it was the end of the relationship when he told you he wasn't interested in you. Being an overly sensitive guy, he took the friend request as you not getting the message. But that's his take on it, and stalking is hardly the word to use in this case -- if this is all there is to it! Now, all this said, you have to let it go. If he's broken your heart a couple of times, it's because you allowed it to happen knowing he had not expressed an interest in you. He's not responsible for your feelings if he never led you on. He, obviously, doesn't want a friendship with you, and the mature and proper road to take is to leave him alone and move on with your life. If you don't let it go, it leads me to believe that he has some legitimate reasons to see you as needy, and desperate.
Teen Long Distance Relationship Strained
- Published 01/23/2012
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily:
I have had a long distance relationship with a guy for 2 years now. We just recently made it an open relationship since we can't see each other. He has a girlfriend right now, and I'm extremely scared that he will fall for her and leave me completely. He says he doesn't like her that much, but I'm scared he's just trying to not hurt my feelings. Two days ago, she got his phone and saw me texting him, and she texted me back saying "I have a girlfriend. She's my baby, not you. Text someone that doesn't have a girlfriend." I didn't say anything to her because I did want to make a problem for him. He didn't answer me until the next day, and said she wasn't mad at him but was mad at me! Mind you, I don't even know her. I got rid of my facebook because I didn't want to see him being with her but, then, today he answered me in the morning-- but completely ignored my texts after school. Then I went of Skype and he was on, and I'm pretty sure he was video chatting with her because after I was on for a while, he saw I was on and then tried to hide that he was video chatting. After I made my page say I'm invisible, which makes it look like I'm off line , he put it back on line. I'm really scared right now and don't know what to do. He says he loves me. We're both teenagers, and I understand he has needs, so it's an open relationship because we can't see each other. The way he's acting right now is really scaring me. I feel second instead of his first :( Help!
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
It's unfortunate, but this often happens. I get many letters like yours. The problem with long distance relationships and, especially, where you haven't met the person in the flesh and blood, is that only one aspect of the relationship is fulfilled. What's important, or should be in a relationship, is the up close and personal association you develop with that person. People have needs, and one of them is physical contact with other human beings. And in a romantic relationship, that would mean holding hands, kissing (intimacy), you get the idea. There's also a need to socialize by going out on dates -- and have shared experiences. You set up this "open" relationship for those very reasons, and you had to know something like this could occur. My heart goes out to you because you have put a great deal of stock into this relationship. For now, the best thing you can do is ride it out, and see what happens. I won't lie to you (people write to me to get an objective viewpoint), he may decide he wants to be with this girl, despite his denial that he truly cares for her. However, like many relationships at this age, it may wane in time. If he's seeing her now, this girl has a right to want him to be faithful. And although she was the one who, apparently (?) wrote that text to you, she should expect him to honor those words. I would consider seeking a relationship in your area. Long-distance relationships often end up to be heartbreaking because of the difficulties inherent in them. And that's true, when even when in the best circumstances, money and mobility, are not an issue.
I have had a long distance relationship with a guy for 2 years now. We just recently made it an open relationship since we can't see each other. He has a girlfriend right now, and I'm extremely scared that he will fall for her and leave me completely. He says he doesn't like her that much, but I'm scared he's just trying to not hurt my feelings. Two days ago, she got his phone and saw me texting him, and she texted me back saying "I have a girlfriend. She's my baby, not you. Text someone that doesn't have a girlfriend." I didn't say anything to her because I did want to make a problem for him. He didn't answer me until the next day, and said she wasn't mad at him but was mad at me! Mind you, I don't even know her. I got rid of my facebook because I didn't want to see him being with her but, then, today he answered me in the morning-- but completely ignored my texts after school. Then I went of Skype and he was on, and I'm pretty sure he was video chatting with her because after I was on for a while, he saw I was on and then tried to hide that he was video chatting. After I made my page say I'm invisible, which makes it look like I'm off line , he put it back on line. I'm really scared right now and don't know what to do. He says he loves me. We're both teenagers, and I understand he has needs, so it's an open relationship because we can't see each other. The way he's acting right now is really scaring me. I feel second instead of his first :( Help!
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
It's unfortunate, but this often happens. I get many letters like yours. The problem with long distance relationships and, especially, where you haven't met the person in the flesh and blood, is that only one aspect of the relationship is fulfilled. What's important, or should be in a relationship, is the up close and personal association you develop with that person. People have needs, and one of them is physical contact with other human beings. And in a romantic relationship, that would mean holding hands, kissing (intimacy), you get the idea. There's also a need to socialize by going out on dates -- and have shared experiences. You set up this "open" relationship for those very reasons, and you had to know something like this could occur. My heart goes out to you because you have put a great deal of stock into this relationship. For now, the best thing you can do is ride it out, and see what happens. I won't lie to you (people write to me to get an objective viewpoint), he may decide he wants to be with this girl, despite his denial that he truly cares for her. However, like many relationships at this age, it may wane in time. If he's seeing her now, this girl has a right to want him to be faithful. And although she was the one who, apparently (?) wrote that text to you, she should expect him to honor those words. I would consider seeking a relationship in your area. Long-distance relationships often end up to be heartbreaking because of the difficulties inherent in them. And that's true, when even when in the best circumstances, money and mobility, are not an issue.
Is "A Break" The Kiss Of Death?
- Published 01/18/2012
- Relationships - Teens
I was in a relationship with my girlfriend this last year, and over a
week ago she decided she needed a break, and that she didn't feel the same. She said that she will definitely
want to get back with me, but she just needs time :( The last
week we have been in contact, and I do want to give her space. A few
nights ago, I was talking to her, and I finally felt this break might be good
for her, and I told her I accepted it :/ But, then, she tells me she might
see other people; not go out with them or anything, just " shift .. meet "
other lads. This is really worrying , but she said she still will want to get back with me when she's ready. She promised me she didn't break up with me to see other people, but in my head I feel she won't come back. I love her so much, and miss her loads. I'd do anything to have her back. I don't know what to do.
--------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
I think it's possible she thinks this is just a break in order for her to "meet" or "shift", but it's "shaky ground", and I think you know it. To me, she wants to explore other relationships, and there's no guarantee she will come back to you. But all you can do is give her the space she is requesting. If she does want to come back, and she has had another relationship (s), it's up to you whether you find it acceptable, or it adversely affects your relationship to the point it's irreconcilable. I wish I had better news for you, but I make every attempt to give an unvarnished opinion.
--------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
I think it's possible she thinks this is just a break in order for her to "meet" or "shift", but it's "shaky ground", and I think you know it. To me, she wants to explore other relationships, and there's no guarantee she will come back to you. But all you can do is give her the space she is requesting. If she does want to come back, and she has had another relationship (s), it's up to you whether you find it acceptable, or it adversely affects your relationship to the point it's irreconcilable. I wish I had better news for you, but I make every attempt to give an unvarnished opinion.
All Is Fair In Love?
- Published 01/14/2012
- Relationships - Teens
Hi. I'm 13 years old. I have liked this guy for three years now, but I never get the chance to tell him. Last year, my best friend liked him so i backed off. And, now, this year, my other best friend likes him so I also backed off. I pretend to hate him around my friends so they don't get suspicious. I REALLY like this boy, and I can't get over him. But I'm positive that if I tell my best friend I like him, she will hate me and never forgive me. What should i do?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
This is the thing about love and war: some people think all is fair, and others feel guilty! I hope you haven't been mean around him, because that gives the wrong impression. . . obviously. As it is, you've given the wrong impression to your girlfriends. Learn this now: deception is rarely the right road to take. And now you know why. It only creates drama, and complications you don't need. There's no easy way around this problem. If your friendship with this girl is important to you, you won't want to steps on her toes. You see, if you had made your feelings known, up front, she would have gotten the heads up on you liking him. Now she's going to say, "That's not fair!" It boils down to a choice. If you go after him, I believe it's very possible she will be very angry. You can talk to her, and tell her you've kept your feelings about him to yourself for three years. And although it's the truth, even you don't think she would buy it. Sometimes it's better to resist the desire, even if it seems unfair. Of course, in a perfect world, going after him would be reasonable because no one has ownership over him, and he has a right to like anyone he chooses. And that would mean you too.
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
This is the thing about love and war: some people think all is fair, and others feel guilty! I hope you haven't been mean around him, because that gives the wrong impression. . . obviously. As it is, you've given the wrong impression to your girlfriends. Learn this now: deception is rarely the right road to take. And now you know why. It only creates drama, and complications you don't need. There's no easy way around this problem. If your friendship with this girl is important to you, you won't want to steps on her toes. You see, if you had made your feelings known, up front, she would have gotten the heads up on you liking him. Now she's going to say, "That's not fair!" It boils down to a choice. If you go after him, I believe it's very possible she will be very angry. You can talk to her, and tell her you've kept your feelings about him to yourself for three years. And although it's the truth, even you don't think she would buy it. Sometimes it's better to resist the desire, even if it seems unfair. Of course, in a perfect world, going after him would be reasonable because no one has ownership over him, and he has a right to like anyone he chooses. And that would mean you too.
Girls Will Be Girls!
- Published 01/13/2012
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily:
My boyfriend goes to a different school, and now a lot of "specific" girls have been after him, and asking him out. I asked them, time-and-time, again, to leave him alone. But I guess those girls are you know what?! I trust him but they just make me mad.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
The fact you trust him (or so you said) is the important part. You have no control over these girls sweeping in like locust, but all you can ask him to do is resist any temptation and keep his commitment to you. As well, ask him to be honest with you at all times. If, at any point in your relationship with him, he feels differently about you, you need to be the first to know. You won't go ballistic, and you won't blame him for feeling that way. You'll respect him for his ability to tell the truth. And mean it!
Teenage Girl's Tough Choice
- Published 01/11/2012
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily:
Okay, so I'm only 15, almost 16 years old and I have an opportunity to move out of my home and in with my older cousin to go to school in that town to have a better studying/career path. But the thing is this: I will be leaving my boyfriend behind, and his heart is breaking on the inside just thinking about me leaving and knowing the possiblity might come true in the next 2/3 weeks. He keeps saying that if I move than his life is s going to be s**t. I want to be with him, but I really want to go. He's making this hard but it's not his fault. I would be the same if he moved. I don't know what to say to him to make him stop hurting or what to do. Any idea? :( I will be 3 hours away but will see him on holidays and a weekend every now and then -- and when my mum comes to visit she will bring him. But it's not enough and we are both going to hurt. I'm hurting because he's hurting, and its my fault he is if I choose to move.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
There's no question this is hurtful to you both, but the bottom line is this: You'd be missing an opportunity to further your education, while creating a solid foundation for a succcessful career. It's not being selfish, it's being practical about your future, and that should be of paramount concern to you. To stay home could damage your relationship with him out of sheer resentment that you did not seek out the best course of action for you. Matters of the heart are often painful. It's a part of life, and few people go unscathed; however, common sense must trump this relationship for the reasons you stated. Reassure him that visits will be frequent, and this is not the end of the relationship. If the distance were great (rather than three hours), that would be reason for a great deal of despair, but there are ample options to get together. That is what you must make clear to him. This move benefits you, but love can be selfish, and he's thinking about his loss -- and less about your gain.
Okay, so I'm only 15, almost 16 years old and I have an opportunity to move out of my home and in with my older cousin to go to school in that town to have a better studying/career path. But the thing is this: I will be leaving my boyfriend behind, and his heart is breaking on the inside just thinking about me leaving and knowing the possiblity might come true in the next 2/3 weeks. He keeps saying that if I move than his life is s going to be s**t. I want to be with him, but I really want to go. He's making this hard but it's not his fault. I would be the same if he moved. I don't know what to say to him to make him stop hurting or what to do. Any idea? :( I will be 3 hours away but will see him on holidays and a weekend every now and then -- and when my mum comes to visit she will bring him. But it's not enough and we are both going to hurt. I'm hurting because he's hurting, and its my fault he is if I choose to move.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
There's no question this is hurtful to you both, but the bottom line is this: You'd be missing an opportunity to further your education, while creating a solid foundation for a succcessful career. It's not being selfish, it's being practical about your future, and that should be of paramount concern to you. To stay home could damage your relationship with him out of sheer resentment that you did not seek out the best course of action for you. Matters of the heart are often painful. It's a part of life, and few people go unscathed; however, common sense must trump this relationship for the reasons you stated. Reassure him that visits will be frequent, and this is not the end of the relationship. If the distance were great (rather than three hours), that would be reason for a great deal of despair, but there are ample options to get together. That is what you must make clear to him. This move benefits you, but love can be selfish, and he's thinking about his loss -- and less about your gain.
Meeting A Stranger On-line
- Published 01/10/2012
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily:
I met this kid on the Internet that lives around me. We found each other by chance on Omegle. He gave me his number, and we've been texting (I'm not using my real number), and we sent each other a picture to show what we look like. Anyway, he keeps saying I know I haven't met you, but I love you and I wish I could hold you right now and stuff like that. He said we should try to meet. Should I go to meet him? Should I bring one or two people with me inc ase something happens? Should I tell him that we shouldn't talk anymore? And I haven't told anyone I've been talking to him, because I don't want to tell people that we met on Omegle.
----------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------
He's coming on too strong, in my opinion, and that means he might be a tad needy. That, of course, does not mean he's a pervert, or up to no good as some on-line contacts have proved to be the case. If you feel he is worth your effort, tell him the "flowery" words are not what you want to hear, but you have a desire to get to know him better before you commit to meeting. If you do decide to meet him, make it in a public place and, yes, bring a friend, or two with you.
Teen Girl Misses Friendship Connection
- Published 01/9/2012
- Relationships - Teens
When i was in 6th grade, this guy and I became really good friends, and we stayed like that throughout 7th grade too. But now we are in 8th grade and have different classes, and he doesn't talk to me very much anymore. We went out for a bit then stayed just friends. I know you might think it's dumb being as young as i am. (14) but I do like him... a lot! I can't loose him. What should I do?
---------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------
It's not dumb to think this way. You and he had a connection, and you want to maintain that. It's possible he's moved on to other interests and people, which is so often the case at your age. Friendships can seem so tight one minute, only to have them fade in a blink of an eye because of changing circumstances. All you can do is reach out to him and see if he's on board with hanging out with you. You don't want to present yourself as needy, but a friend who misses him and would like to keep the friendship going. If he doesn't seem all that interested, don't see it as rejection. As I said, this is an age where there is tremendous change in attitudes, and friendships, and he simply may have moved on to other things. Painful? Yes. But a reality of life.
Possible Teen Pregnancy
- Published 12/30/2011
- Relationships - Teens
I just had sex with my girlfriend, and she's five days late on her period now. she thinks she might be pregnant but we don't want a baby, and my mum and dad would go crazy if i got her pregnant. I don't know what to think. Do you have any advice on what to do?
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
My heart goes out to you. I get many letters from teens who do not use protection when having sex. I will not chastise you. I think you already know where you went wrong. There's no easy way around this unfortunate problem. Wishing this were not the case won't make it go away. Taking a home pregnancy test, at this early stage, may show a negative result -- yet your girlfriend could still be pregnant. You do not live in the U.S., and I do not know what your option are, nor did you mention your age. See if there is a local chapter of Planned Parenthood in your city, or one nearby. A doctor's approintment does need to be made in order to get accurate results to whether your girlfriend is pregnant, or not. Guessing, and denial is not the way to handle this situation. You need to be proactive in order to formulate a plan. If your girlfriend is pregnant, I do not know any way your parents, and hers, can be left in the dark if parental permission is required before any action can be taken.
Older Man's Control Over Teenage Girl
- Published 12/30/2011
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily:
I am 17 year old girl and I am currently dating a 39 year old man. I've tried to end the relationship, but every time I do that, he tells that I am a beauty he can't afford to loose. I don't love him, and he tells me everyday that he loves me. He has a child, and a girlfriend but he doesn't want to let me go. I selp (?) with him thinking that he will leave me, but he keeps coming back and he treats me with respect and gives me everything that I want. He even told me I am his princess and, now, he treats me like a queen. What should I do to make him leave me? Please help.
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
He's not going to leave you until he's ready. He gives you what you want in terms of attention and material things, because that's his way of getting what he wants. How you get him to leave you alone is to tell him it's over. Do not answer his calls, do not text him, nor e-mail him, and be firm about it. You may only be seventeen, but you are not stupid, and you know that giving in to him only perpetuates the problem. I can see you don't live in the United States, but, here, this man could be charged with statutory rape and spend time in prison. He has tremendous power over you, and you can't deny you feel horribly trapped, or you wouldn't have written to me. What he is doing to you is wrong, and his feelings for you have nothing to do with love -- but it has everything to do with his selfish needs. You deserve better than flowery words from a man old enough to be your father, and it's time to put a stop to this relationship. If he persists, once you do everything to cut him out of your life completely, that is harassment and, then, it becomes a police matter.
