Dear Miss Emily:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4yrs and hes talking about leaving me, and says it's because i don't pay enough attention to him, and I know he's right. But how do i get him to stay long enough  to show him I can change?
I tend to get very obsessive over things I'm working on, and I lose all focus towards everything else. Even when it comes to things I enjoy, I have a hard time with keeping things in moderation. Im working on understanding were I started allowing myself to become so easily distracted and swayed. But I need to fiqure out how i can stop doing that and to prove that I'm worth giving a second chance. Any advice?

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

I think the only way you can change this pattern is to attempt to block out time where you are not working on projects and devote that time to your boyfriend. Once you try this, if you find yourself watching the clock to see when you can get back to work, I don't think being in this relationship suits you, now, because of the demands. You seem to love work, and I assume it's creative and incredibly challenging and stimulating to you. But you can't have it both ways, now, because your boyfriend wants to leave. Whether it's an idle threat, or not, try to figure out where your true interests lie, and if it's time to reassess your commitment to him. This may be the most important part of your professional career and  you are allowing your joy of it to consume you. Nothing wrong with that if you are single, or your partner understands the commitment. Again, I'd think about what it is that you truly want, before you start figuring out ways to go against who you are in order to please someone else. If you have some sort of OCD, there is medication for that and you can see a doctor who will help you with that problem. There is no easy fix, but getting to the truth of the matter will be incredibly liberating.

Emily:

I was seeing this girl (27) for a little over a year and, although we were very compatible and happy, I was an asshole at times and cheated on her (no sex, though, if that matters). The first 2 times I confessed, and tried to prove my contrition through loving gestures. The last time, we broke up as a result, and I was slowly winning her back, when suddenly she decided she "can't forgive and forget" and started semi-dating some other guy. My question is: I can't even look at other women right now, I'm so obsessed with her; how can she immediately start dating someone else? Does that mean she doesn't care about me, and wants to use something that was my fault as a way to assuage her guilt for breaking my heart? I realized (too late) that I really loved her all along and was just afraid to commit. What can I do?

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

Wait it out. You laid the groundwork for this, so you can't really blame her for building on it. Maybe the old "you don't know what you've got til' it's gone" holds true in this case, but maybe not. I think your ego has taken a real hit, and sometimes that overrides the reality of the situation -- and can be misconstrued as a broken heart. Maybe you are a bit of a commitment-phobe, but that's a sorry excuse. Whether you slept with the other girls, or not, it shows a lack of respect (an understatement), and she wanted a serious commitment with a mature guy. If you are truly sincere, and capable of being faithful, I hope this turns around for you. But if it doesn't, lick your wounds and consider this a rather harsh learning experience.

Dear Miss Emily,

I've been in a relationship with this girl for about 6 months now. I care for her a lot, but she has very bad trust issues from a past boyfriend cheating on her. This makes her very controlling, and its hard because I had to give up hanging out with so many female friends. My girlfriend also suffers from very bad depression and stress almost all the time which in return she treats me very mean for no reason. I have had 2 serious past talks with her where I came very close to breaking up with her but she promises she will do better. For a few weeks after this talk its amazing how nice she treats me and how happy she acts but sadly after the few weeks it goes right downhill again. It's almost like she has 2 sides to her, and I love her so much when she is on her good side but sadly enough her bad side is the side that comes out 80% of the time. I've been so frustrated the past few weeks cause I'm not sure what to do. Part of me feels it's best just to break it off, and another part of me feels really bad about doing it to her.  She even has a past history of when her last serious boyfriend broke it off with her that she would constantly cut herself till her family had to take her in for help. I'm so scarred that breaking it off with her would put her back into that situation.
What do you think my next step should be?

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

Your girlfriend has problems you can't fix. And I would assume her past boyfriends realized this, as well. Do not wait to break it off, because the longer you wait, the harder it will be. She holds her past break-ups as a threat over your head -- as if to say, "Don't you dare do that to me, or else I'll..." or you see it as a tacit understanding. It's possible she doesn't realize what she's doing, but her emotional damage dictates it. She is needy, and possessive, and it's not a healthy relationship when this is the driving motivation for keeping it together. It's your life, and you need to do what is best for you. You are not a caretaker, nor a big brother, parent, or counselor and, therefore, incapable of being what she thinks she needs. She may have some fine attributes, but that does not equate to a good relationship. Ask any of her ex-boyfriends! I have attached an e-mail from a guy who wrote me a letter a few months ago, and I think you might find it interesting. As well, look at my column and go into the section marked "relationships/men" and scroll down. You will see you're not the only one with this problem.

Dear Miss Emily:

So I have been dating this guy for 5 or 6 months.  Neither one of us are clear on the date, which we both find refreshing because too many people focus on that and not on the important things.  I have never met anyone that I have so much in common with  before.  We laugh and we spend every weekend together.  In the beginning, we instantly fooled around but never had sex.  That was about 3 months ago.The fooling around stopped the moment I started to care about him.  I have talked to him about it and he says he just wants to take things slow.  He says he never had a relationship like this before.  He is always touching me but the passionate kisses and rest are no more.  I tell him and he says it's good we communicate.  He has been honest and told me it's easier for him to sleep with strangers...the need to be wanted.  He tells me he misses me (which he finds weird), wants to spend spring break with me, and does little things to surprise me.  I'm confused.  Could he just be feeding me lines?  Are we better off friends?  Am I over-thinking it?  How do I find out for sure?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

You're confused? He's all over the map! It seems to me he's extremely commitment shy (or some undisclosed reason), because if he has the "need to be wanted" that has you written all over it. I hate to sound like a hack who is using psychology cliches, but you need to set some boundaries so you don't put your heart on the road and watch him drive over it. Communication is great in a relationship, but it can mean less-and-less if it doesn't get you anywhere. See how it progresses, but don't be foolish. Hope is not a plan. If spring break isn't the turnaround, this is probably a wash.

Dear Miss Emily:

So I have this girl in my life and we've been friends for about 2 years. We're also best friends. Now she loves me and I love her, but she's afraid that if she and I get together it would break our friendship. Here's what she said. "I definitely would love to be in a relationship with you, but I just cant afford to lose you."

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

I pretty much give the same advice when I get this type of letter: Go for it! Life is full of risks, but this move would be less risky because you two have a wonderful friendship and that's a good foundation for any advancement in your relationship. Now, say it didn't work out. If you keep an open communication, you should be able to survive any unforeseen trouble. It's not a hard-and-fast rule that people who break-up end up hating each other. As well, if another girl came into your life, there's a good possibility you would not be spending as much time with your her. It would be with your new girl, and that could alter the friendship, anyway.  I know you're for it, but I guess it's all up to her no matter how you feel about it.

Dear Miss Emily:

A couple months ago, my ex girlfriend/ high school sweetheart contacted me. We've been emailing each other on facebook, since. The problem I face is that I'm married. I have been for the last 2 years. My wife and I have only known each other for 3 years. I am in love with my wife, but these feeling I had for my ex are coming back to me. I don't know what I should do. I can't talk to anyone else about this because it would tear my wife's heart out if it got back to her and I don't want to do that. How should I handle this? Should I cut ties from the ex? Should I tell my wife? Should I keep going on and see where this situation leads? Please, I need advice.

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------

This would be the smart thing to do: If indeed you are in love with your wife, and you know this would tear her heart out if she were to be privy to these feelings, you should cut all ties with your ex high school girlfriend. She is your past (remember the saying, "You can't go home, again"), and your wife is your future. Do not tell her about this correspondence unless you really want to open up a Pandora's Box. The temptation is not worth the risk, in my humble opinion, but relationships are damaged daily by decisions to continue down this path. Oh, and do keep your lip zipped about this, because as you know "loose lips, sink ships!" I'll be here if you need to chat.  

Dear Emily,

I am a 39 year old male.  I really like this woman I work with.  She is ten years older than me.  She likes me as a friend, but does not want to date right now because  she has been hurt in a past relationship. I don't mind waiting for her, but for how long should I wait? I really care about this lady a lot but I do not want to waste my life waiting for her if she never comes around.  I have known
her for six months.

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

I tend to think waiting would be a mistake. Most humans have been hurt in a relationship, but that usually doesn't keep them from going after something that could turn out to be a good thing. And that's why I believe you need to face the fact that if you were really a draw to her, she would throw caution to the wind and take the risk. If you do move on, and she is interested at a later date, she'll let you know. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

Dear Miss Emily:

I'm a 21 year old male. My girlfriend and I recently broke up. According to her because she believes i cant trust her ever since this other guy came into the picture. I told her i needed to know a few things and she said ask away, so i did and got the answer i was looking for, then she completely blew up on me and broke up with me -- afterward telling me to just be friends with her for a while (which i hear is a good sign) so we've been talking everyday -- even after I've done some things to lower my chances, like telling her i got laid...I thought being honest would be the smart thing to do. But here we are, not even a week later, she's dating this other guy. who's 16 and shes 22... so I kinda feel that their relationship might not last. but I'm wondering if its possible she still has feelings for me and if i could get her back, and how could I tell/do that?

------------------------Ask Miss Emily----------------------

It seems with this relationship, anything is possible. I'm guessing, but I think maybe this 16 year-old guy was turning her head, and when you confronted her about it she put herself in the role of playing victim by accusing you of being not trusting her. But hang in there. A fling with a guy this age may be fleeting, and you might once again float to the top. Don't look needy or desperate to have her back, keep your mouth shut about your sexual escapades (you were technically single at the time), because I think you did this to throw water in her face, rather than a devotion to honesty.  But whether that's true or not, if you do get back with her, put down some ground rules to avoid this same scenario from playing out, again. And that means real emotional honesty when the relationship is faltering, and neither gets defensive or creates a web of deception.

Emily:

I've been seeing a great woman for a month now and we both enjoy each others company. She is a correction's officer at the county jail. The rest of her coworkers are men and they are like a great big family. I understand that they have to depend on each other daily and I have a lot of respect for them. The problem is that the men she works with don't think that any one she chooses to date is good enough for her. They are very protective of her even outside of the workplace. They constantly call her to see if she needs them to come over to get rid of me. Is there anything I can do to ease their minds? I don't know any of them personally, just from what she tells me of them. I have nothing but respect for her, them, and what they do. She has said that in the past, her coworkers have intimidated her boyfriends to make them run away. Any ideas on how to make them see that I'm a good guy and that they don't need to worry about her when I'm with her? I was thinking about having several dozen donuts delivered to them as a peace offering.

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------


Ah, you're a keeper! But they've seen it all, and no one knows men better than these guys. I think the best thing you can do is hang in there. If someone is driven off by a bunch of overly-protective cops-- the cops have made their point. If it's possible, get to know one or two of them in a social setting. Word will travel fast if they see you're a good guy. But don't kiss any butts. That's the first thing they'll go after. A couple boxes of donuts probably wouldn't hurt, however. A way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and this may be no exception. Good luck to you.

Dear Miss Emily:

I  have been with my girlfriend for a year now, we met on a dating website she is 3 years older than me and we get on really well. I love her to bits and think the world of her. The problem is we have not had sex at all. She is still a virgin -- she says it hurts when we try to do it. We've seen a doctor who has actually done an operation to try help the problem. but she still can't bring herself to do it. I'm trying my best to be there for her, but i feel that it's coming between us. I started to feel this way after we had been together 5 months. She isn't to bothered about the sex thing only that she knows it bugs me. Every time i mention it we fall out or she starts crying so i say it doesn't matter. I can't talk to her about it without her getting upset. The other thing that makes it even harder is she tries to compensate by wearing sexy underwear. But it just feels like she is teasing me. I have found myself asking if i really want to be with her. But i love being with her but the spark is gone for me. What do i do?

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

It's unreasonable to be in a relationship when one partner wants a sexual relationship and the other does not (or can't). No matter her situation and feelings on this subject, you have every right to expect sexual intimacy in a loving, committed relationship and, as painful as a breakup would be, it seems in order. What you have is a friendship with "hope" for more, but it lacks the intimacy you desire -- and sexy underwear is not a substitute for the real thing. I get it, it's tough, and I feel for her -- but your life is equally important, and if you continue on this path it will probably lead to nowhere. She may need psychological counseling for this problem because fear may be what is a large part of it. But you are unhappy, you are spinning your wheels, and I wouldn't let this drag on too much longer.