Dear Miss Emily:

Hey, I met/am trying to get together with a girl that was the roommate of one of my good friends. When my good friend found out I had asked her roommate out, things went south.  My friend turned on me by not talking to me or even "noticing" me in public, etc. I  feel like my friend liked me more than I expected, which probably explained her strange reaction to the situation. The thing that confused me most is that it even seemed that she wanted me to get closer to her roommate by telling me "you should go talk to her,” etc.  However, my friend's sentiments began to affect the relationship I was having w/ her roommate b/c her roommate was aware that we didn't talk/hang out as much. On the dates, eye contact was great/conversation never ceased and, when I hadn't seen her for a lengthy period after I had taken her out the couple of times, I ran into her and she talked/maintained eye contact like she hadn't seen me in, forever. However, she always seemed hesitant/nervous at times, maybe b/c of how my friend and I were doing. For example, she even got back to me late/postponed our second outing because she got "caught up" and "lost track of time," almost like she was uncertain out of fear of where things were going.  Anywho, the relationship with my friend is getting better.  Honestly, I am the "nice guy" type and I have never done or ever will say anything that would harm my friend, and I feel she just acted strange b/c I fell for her roommate, instead.  I had actually talked to/gotten to know her roommate before she even moved in with her. Once I found out they were rooming together, I really wanted to get to know her even better. Now, it's summer time, and I don't know where to go from here. Things never got intense or anything between her roommate and me but, rather, ended like a suspense series where it seemed there were a lot of unanswered questions/mixed signals as the year came to a close and the situation w/ my friend was slowly patching up. I feel like my friend is finally accepting the fact that I do really like he roommate and is slowly coming to grips w/it. I haven't contacted her roommate b/c many friends and family members suggested that since we weren't officially together that I should wait a bit to contact her. What do you think? When I sent a message to my friend, she kind of bragged that she had been talking to her roommate over the net, even though I never mentioned anything about her roommate. Why would she do this? Also, what do you suggest I do as far as contacting her over the summer to encourage things to start where they left off and, maybe, even advance the relationship w/o coming across as a friend? All I know is the whole waiting period of a week or couple of weeks to "not seem desperate" and "waiting to allow her to wonder if I'm going to call" is difficult. Help!
Feel Like a Chess Piece

--------------------Miss Emily’s advice-----------------

Dear Chess Piece:

I think you have the definition of “nice guy” all wrong.  A nice person will not hurt anyone when not justified, and is sensitive to another person’s feelings.  That does not mean you have to be jerked around by a friend who, not only sends you mixed messages about her feelings and intentions, now seems “jake” with you because she has controlled her surrounding environment.  I know that she’s probably a good (albeit insecure) person, but it’s time for you to stop letting this ambiguity control your life and start talking. I doubt that she's friendlier with you, now, because she accepts your interest in this other girl.  That's being naive, to put it mildly.  If you want to get something going with this roommate, and there is not a romantic interest in your friend, seek out this girl and ask her out, making sure she understands that you have a friendship with your "mutual friend" and nothing more.  If she declines, well, at least you’ve cleared things up and put the decision making process squarely in her hands.  But don’t be a wimp and let this friend dictate your future. If you do, I don’t feel sorry for you, because she should not be given the power to do this, and you should put a stop to it. Act now, and forget any silly waiting period protocol.   

Dear Miss Emily:

I dated this girl for about two months.  At that time, she really wanted to be with me and just be herself, but because I am in a different place in my life, I wanted her to go to school,  get a serious job – something.  In this process, I made her not like herself, so she left me. The last thing she said to me in tears was, "I knew I loved you from the moment I met you, and I will always love you."  Then she walked inside and shut the door. This freaked me out because this girl lost her father and a boyfriend in about 2 months when she was 18, and since has dated for weeks at a time and avoided relationships.  It's been about two months since she said that to me. Since that day, I have realized that I am an idiot and I let my head get in the way of what my heart wanted.  I freaked when she left and didn't give her much space. Then I felt hopeless, so I left her alone. The other night I had to see her and it was intense.  She came up, hugged me, and we chatted for 15 seconds and that was about it.  Seeing her cemented the realization that I want nothing more than to be with her. She was noticeably upset and, then, told one of our mutual friends about how hurt she was that things were still weird after all this time. All she has really said is she can't handle this right now.  I have no idea what that means. She knows exactly how I feel, and she knows I want her exactly how she is but either doesn't care or isn't emotionally mature enough to talk to me about it. You know, if she doesn't want me, I don't know why she can't tell me that so I can move on. What is going on here?  Am I wrong for holding on and hoping the hurt will subside and things will change?  How do I show her how I feel and how serious I am about changing the bad parts of our relationship when she won't talk to me right now? Moving on really seems impossible until she tells me for sure what she wants. Please help
Beyond Frustration

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Dear Beyond:

Are you sure she ended up not liking herself at the end of the two months you had together? Or was she smart enough to realize that, yet again, she had met  another man who wanted to control her life, and it was wise to end it.  Either way, some serious emotional hurt marred your chances of a successful relationship. After only a few weeks together, you wanted her to get a serious job, maybe go to school.  This doesn't sound like a fresh, loving relationship, but more like boot camp with a guidance counselor.  It's time to get straight with yourself and figure out why it is that you want her back.  Is it guilt, and you have a dying need to right this wrong?  Was your ego bruised in that she was able to make a clean break without weakening and running back to you?  She may have great qualities, but you weren't together too long before you had suggestions on how she should proceed with her life.  Maybe she even sets herself up for it, but that's not the point.  I firmly believe that one of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships (and a cruel reality when it is discovered) is thinking that we can change a person to fit our ideal.  It then becomes, "Sure I love you for you, I just thought you'd be more..."   This is one reason why 50% of marriages end in divorce.  If she does know how you feel, then leave her alone and let her make the next move if there is one.  And if somewhere down the line you get a second chance, be careful.  I doubt she'll tell you she's decided to take the LSAT and apply for law school but, who knows, stranger things have happened.  Maybe you don't realize this, but your head and heart should be in complete agreement in matters of love. One without the other is a recipe for disappointment.  Soldier on!           

Dear Miss Emily:

I really care for my girl, so know I’m searching for advice to strengthen our relationship.  I’m 21 and she is going to be 19 in three months.  This July 14th, is going to be our three year anniversary. We are at that point where things are getting a little rocky.  She is a very strong, independent woman with a strong character.  She has very high morals and standards, and is mostly an extrovert.  She is real factual and down to earth.  I love every aspect of her – she is almost perfect. I, on the other hand, am a thinker, writer and passive. I am romantic and primarily an introvert. I like fantasies and making love, reading books and, currently working on one. We are both college students. My problem is that I can’t keep a job, and I almost demand sex, according to her. I’ve become real possessive and I urge sex. It’s as if this intrinsic instinct takes over to satisfy my urges. I find myself in a bad mood when I don’t have it for weeks. I guess I just need to learn how to control it. Sometimes I let my fantasy ways get in the way of life and she can’t stand that. I am constantly looking for a job, but all the jobs I was offered have always conflicted my schedule. I want to know when would be a good time to take a break. She has brought it up many times, and I know that it’s going to be inevitable that it would happen; we just don’t know when the right time is. I sometimes think that I take refuge within her comfort, making her feel as if she was taking care of me, like a mother taking care of a child. I don’t want to but, when I feel down, I like that comfort.  Sometimes the male/female roles switch. Things have changed a lot and I don’t want to lose her.  I am her first.  She lost her virginity with me and I want to be her last, but I feel like I need to get my act together first. What can I do to please her? How can I do things without her pushing me to get ahead in life? I want to be the one pushing her, but it hasn’t come down to that. I know we are different people, but if I had to go through hell, it would be her, the person I wish to
go through hell with.
Facing Reality

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------

Dear Facing:

I know you are requesting advice on how to strengthen this relationship, but you seem to be at a point where you are going to have to figure out if you can save it!  I’m sorry to be the barer of bad news, but I believe it’s called for when, like your girlfriend, I’ve been labeled an extrovert who is factual, down to earth and, well, an advice columnist.  Maybe that’s why you wrote to me, because now I am part of the “parenting” team you seem to need.  Opposites do attract, but it takes two emotionally strong individuals to make it work for the long haul. It’s a relationship that honors the differences, and where mutual, nurturing roles develop.  No one should be “pushing” anyone into anything, and that’s where you are misguided.  You are behaving in a childish manner when it comes to sex, and  you might be thinking that your fantasy world is endearing rather than just a great big “pain-in-the-ass” to your pragmatic girlfriend.  It’s best to seek a balance, and each of you should benefit from the other’s strengths.  Your admission that you need emotional comfort in a maternal way is reason for this girl to send you packing.  Remember, Mom is the one who birthed you, not your nineteen year-old girlfriend.  Face the music now, and fix it, or spend your life looking for the woman who wants to marry Peter Pan. Good luck on that score!  However, on your way to becoming a responsible, mature person, never forfeit the things that make you the unique, lovely person that I am sure (reasonably sure) you are.  Oh yes, when would be a good time to take a break?  Now, before things get nasty.

Dear Miss Emily:

I've been dating this girl for 3 ½ years, and everything seemed to be going fine.  We had an apartment close to the school we were both attending.  We were both madly in love with each other and, after college, we were going to get married.  All of a sudden, she comes to me and says that she's completely lost all feelings for me.  I was absolutely devastated.  At that point, we decided that we still wanted to stay friends and since we had a spare bedroom and bathroom in the apartment, we decided to stay roommates.  She had made some new friends and was literally out all night with them.  I didn't mind, since we were broken up and I figured that this was her way of dealing with the breakup.  But I never saw her!  She was out all night, and then at school and work all day.  She said that she wanted to stay friends, but she was never around to make an attempt at staying friends.  Well, it's 3 weeks later, and she's decided that she needs space from me, and she wants to move out.  I'm having a hard time with this, because I'm still in love with her.  I even told her how I feel and said that I would do whatever it took to fix our problems.  She wants none of that, but she continues to say she wants to be friends.  I can't be friends with her if I still love her.  And I can't stop loving her.  I don't want to stop loving her.  I just want to be with her again, like things used to be.  I don't know what to do.  She's completely turned my life upside down.  She was my only friend and I lost her.  I know that I'm supposed to move on and meet new people, but I don't want to.  All I want is her.
Heart In Hand

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------------

Dear Heart:

My guess is that she’s found someone else, but she’s not being straight with you.  I could be mistaken, but her behavior tells me that she has someone who has captured her interest enough to forfeit all future plans with you.  The more needy and hopeless you become, the greater her justification for moving on.  In matters of the heart, nothing is more difficult than what you are feeling.  To stay friends, at this point, would be next to impossible because you want to erase this whole thing and go back to where you were.  She’s making a lousy attempt at friendship, because she is showing extreme insensitivity toward you.  That does not speak well of her.  But she has the upper-hand, right or wrong, and that’s the reality of it.  I seldom suggest counseling.  Paradoxically, it takes a strong individual to challenge his/her “weaker moments” (we all have them), and do the hard work at turning their life around to their advantage.  If you can, give it a try.  Sometimes free counseling is offered through the school, or they might be able to suggest a low-cost clinic.  I am concerned that you say she is your only friend.  That is not good, because you need balance in your life and, this is, perhaps, a legitimate reason for her to question your emotional security.  And I see a maturity issue, as well.  You saying “but I don’t want to” sounds petulant – like a little boy stomping his foot. You are going to have to realize that life is not only a challenge but a character builder, as well.  I am not saying that you have to learn to turn the other cheek, but it would be healthy for you to maintain your dignity and face the music with a stiff upper lip.  You’ll never regret handling it this way.  Regrets come from making bad choices and later having the time to stew in them. That said, I truly understand your grief.  Please let me know what happens.  I mean it!     


 


 

Dear Miss Emily:

I need help. I went on 4 dates with a girl and had a great time. We agreed to start seeing each other more but did not discuss a full time relationship.  She was at a new year's party 2 days after our 4th date and some guy leaned in and kissed her, and she kissed him back for 15-20 seconds (her words).  She said it meant nothing and it was a mistake.....she had been drinking too – not that this is an excuse.  In her past, every guy she has been seeing has left her for another woman or been seeing someone else at the same time.  I’m hurt by what has happened and keep thinking she didn’t find me attractive back then, i.e.,. he was better.  We are in a relationship just now, and she wants to make us work, as she said she is serious about me and not interested in any other guy.  Have I been cheated on?  I don’t want to think this about her.  I want to believe that she was just confused about what was going to happen with us.  She does have trust issues with guys in that she has low self-esteem.  I know she would not go with any guy when in a relationship with me.  I do trust her with that..  Can you please help me?  I also suffer from low self esteem.  I just don’t want to throw something away over something which there may have been believable reasons why it happened.
Stewing Over This

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------------

Dear Stewing:

My, my, for something that happened almost three months ago, you really are holding on to this as if it were a major betrayal.  The way I see it, you had four dates and, at a party, this girl let a guy kiss her.  This isn’t tantamount to slipping in the back room with him and using techniques she learned from the 70s porno flick “Deep Throat.”  Give it a rest.  If you’re both insecure, you have that in common, but a way to get over it is to let each other off the hook and start building a relationship grounded in reality.  No one’s perfect.  There’s not a person on earth who doesn’t regret some lapse in judgment.  I’d stop looking for the day when this whole thing is going to turn out to be an emotional tsunami and move forward, rather than dwelling in the past.  She may not be the woman you end up spending the rest of your life with, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a great time together.  If you continue to see her through this New Year’s eve party event, your fragile ego will destroy not only this relationship, but any that you have in the future.  It’s time to take stock and move from obsession to progression.      

Dear Miss Emily:

I've been with this girl 10 months and I lied to her about an ex
emailing me. And I never told her about girls textin' me. After
that, all went down hill and, now, we've broken up. She wants space.
I always say one thing, then another, and it really annoys her 
and hurts her. I want her back so much. What do I do?
Playing games

-------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------


Dear Playing:

I think it's odd that you're not really sure what to do.  I mean, 
here you are, telling me that you lied to your girlfriend and
made her feel that she's someone who is not worthy of your respect.  
I have to hand it to her, in that she's taken a stance and will not 
put up with your careless behavior. I'm not sure if it's too late 
to get her back, but if you don't really understand how good 
relationships work, you'll repeat "the error of your ways."  So, 
suck it up, grow up, and maybe she'll see the change.  Until then, 
work on getting your priorities straight. It's never too late. 

Dear Miss Emily:

I have been seeing this women for 1 year.  We are very intimate and although we only see each other 1 time a week (because of our busy schedules), we always email each other. Yesterday, she wrote me that she had family problems and needed to talk with me.  We were scheduled to see each other today, anyway, but last night she found out her 19 year old daughter was pregnant and, also, when she had a pap smear there were some abnormalities in her daughters cells.  Now, she said, after seeing me today and giving me my Christmas gifts, she couldn't take hers from me, and she would not be online for a few days because she is so worried about her daughter.  I asked her if we were ok.  I wonder  if I am just paranoid or should I really worry?
Left dangling

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Dear Left:

I would say, no, there’s no problem in your relationship if it weren’t for two things: She didn’t accept your Christmas gifts, and she will not be e-mailing you because she is worried about her daughter.  I have some questions.  Where does her daughter live?  Is it close enough where she will be holding her hand during this difficult time?  If so, I can understand why she would not be e-mailing you, but do neither of you have a cell phone?  As far as not accepting your gifts, that seems odd.  Why not?  Not her color or size?  I believe that she’s going through a difficult time, but I think she might be reexamining her relationship with you, as well, and sees this as a way to cool it .  I don’t know what she said to you when you asked her if everything is okay between the two of you, but I’m assuming she said yes.  My guess is that’s not the case.  I could be wrong, but I tend to agree with you.  Something may very well be rotten in Denmark!     

Dear Miss Emily: I am falling in love with a girl 13 yrs younger than me. Should I not feel like a creepy old man? I don't feel that way. What are the rest of my peers going to think? Halfway there ---------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------- Dear Halfway: Have you been listening to Dr. Laura? Hey, this is Emily! I don't choose to be a "moral authority" of the worst kind. To me, the age difference is not a big deal. If the maturity factor is there, and both of you agree to a relationship, it's no one's business. Your peers haven't any right to judge you. And if they do, tell them to butt out. It's not as if you're that old geezer, Hugh Hefner, with twenty-something's nipping at your cracked, albeit rich, heels. Now that's what I call creepy!

Dear Miss Emily:

I am contacting you because I need an unbiased female opinion.  I seem to have a problem keeping women I love from leaving me.  Twice now, I've had women I was madly in love with, abruptly end things.  To both of them, I was an extremely good and decent man, caring, considerate and kind.  One of them told  me that, one day, she was certain that I would wake up and realize that I could do better than her.  She said I could have any woman I wanted and that things were too perfect between us.  The other assumed that I wasn't serious about her and preemptively broke up with me.   I was faithful to both and completely committed to both, in  thought, word and deed.  I am an extremely handsome man.  I'm not trying to sound cocky or conceited, but that is a feature of mine I have been made aware of, and I think it may have something to do with this.  I also have a good job, I'm smart and I think I'm pretty well adjusted.  My problem is that when I really love a woman,  I lose her.  I don't know what to do.  I'm a very competent lover, a good cook, a patient listener.  I'm not these things because I feel that's what women want, but because it is who I am.  I'm beginning to fear that women really want a man who is distant, dismissive or condescending.  One of these girls left me for a man that I have been told by mutual friends is very judgmental and unfaithful to her.  I cannot be that to a woman, but I want a relationship and I fear that I must learn to be someone evil in order to keep a woman.  I don't know what to do.  Am I cursed?  Am I attracted to the wrong kind of woman?  I'm not the type that can pick women up at whim.  I am at a loss.  I don't want to think that women are horrible, untrustworthy people, but the preponderance of evidence is leading me to that conclusion.  Is it something I'm doing?  Please help clear this up for me.  Thank You.
Dumbfounded

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------


Dear Dumbfounded:

I suppose a lot of people, reading this, might snicker.  But not this gal!  No, I’m going to give you as honest an answer as I can muster.  First, I think it shouldn’t be that hard to find someone who would appreciate all of the qualities that you outlined in your letter and, thank a higher power for their good fortune.  So you are either attracted to the wrong kind of woman (unlikely) or your air of perfection is, to say the least, annoying.  Perhaps you don’t appear as sincere as you think.  It is possible that you are trying too hard, without knowing it?  Something is definitely not right with this picture.  When people say, in essence, “You’re too good for me,” usually they mean the opposite:  “You’re not what I want, period!”  It may be pacifying to think that women want an abusive type for a mate and, to some degree, women with low self-esteem gravitate to this kind of man (this can be true for men, as well).  But women are not a scarcity in this world, and finding a loving companion who is grounded and secure should not be that difficult to find.  Women and men – we’re all-too-similar creatures.  I think you should not go down the path of believing that women are horrible and untrustworthy.  This mind-set would be a rather unfortunate conclusion, leading to hostility and possible abuse on your part.  Start seeing woman as human beings, as individuals, and not to be judged as a group.  I know men and women have their differences, but a successful relationship recognizes this fact and appreciates them, rather than seeing fault with them. When you get to know someone, it’s great to be a good listener, but it’s necessary to take what they say to heart.  On a simple level, say that she likes to cook.  Can you share the responsibility of it, and not take over with a need to impress or think that she may not be up to par?  As a competent lover, do you perform like it’s a scene from a movie, or do you really feel connected to the person?  You say that you were in love with these women.  Really?  I’m not so sure.  Maybe they pick up that you are in love with the idea of being in love, and that there is some kind of falseness to it.  I’ll never be sure what it is, but I would go to great lengths to get honest with myself, and when (if) you are, it is only then that you will find the answer to your problem.  After reading this, you decide to dismiss my advice, then the problem and answer is obvious to everyone else but you!   
   
      

Dear Miss Emily:

I'm confused and don't know what to do?  The story is like this: I have a job, and on this job I'm  teaching people how to learn and play a sport – I'm like a coach.  So I play with important people. This past weeks, one of the clients brought in a girl – she is 2-3 years younger than me, and I began teaching her. So she is very cute.  We even went on some dates together.  I didn't want to make a relationship with her, so we met like friends. Then it became serious, and on one of the dates we kissed, (we didn't have sex). After that, I had some feelings for her. After 2 weeks of seeing her, that person told me that she wants us to stay just best friends, for some reasons. She doesn't want  that I  lose my clients after breaking up with her, and my reputation can be broken.  Because after that girl came to me, I had a lot of important people come to my lessons, and my financial position became better.  But I like a lot that girl, and I don't know what to do, because she is only 20 and I know very well after a break up nobody stays friends... (it's very rare).  Please help me with this situation. Thank you.  P S – sorry for my English. I made my best.
More that a Coach

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------


Dear More:

This twenty year-old girl sounds rather wise, unless she’s using this “not getting involved” story as an excuse for, now, wanting to keep it as a “friendship only" relationship.  I can’t really understand why you would lose clients if you did get involved with her and later broke up. Her reasoning is what? “If I get hurt in this, I’ll make sure my friends drop you, as well.”  I mean, really, isn’t that what's implied, here?  She’s either a psychic or a bitch!  Yet, I’m sure, neither is true. That said, most people are smart enough to make their own decisions on this sort of thing, and if they want your expertise, they’ll keep coming for it.  So this doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.  Therefore, I’m more inclined to believe she’s clever  enough to use this as an excuse because she doesn’t want to get romantically involved.  Don’t pursue it other than a friendship. Remember, that
was your original intent!  Be the perfect gentleman, and who knows what may happen in a few months. Keep your eye on the ball – your job, I mean, and concentrate on being “the man to see when you want the best!”  Your future depends on you being the consummate professional.  You’ll know when the timing is right to get involved with someone.  Right now, it seems like it’s neither the time nor with this girl.