Dear Miss Emily:

I know that any mother would agree and say the child comes first, especially in this day and age with abuse going on all around the world. My daughter is 10 my boyfriend is 24.  He does not live with us but sleeps over now and again. The problem I am having is my daughter does not like my boyfriend, as she has witnessed he and I arguing, me cry -- he shouts and curses me. Now Miss Emily, I am not giving myself the right for allowing him to stay in my life, its just that I love both of them. I would prefer them to get along and see how much I love them both.  I do love my daughter more, just for he record, but the love I have for my boyfriend is different. Miss Emily, I need the honest truth, do I need to get out of this relationship, and focus on my daughter? Should we just be friends? I need help!

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

I understand that children can feel threatened when a parent brings in "competition" to the family unit. But you and he argue in front of her, and his verbal abuse is not only damaging to her, but to you, as well. She doesn't like him because she feels she needs to defend you against him. If you think you must be in this relationship, I would keep it separate from your daughter. In other words, see him when you have a babysitter, and keep him from spending nights at your house. Your daughter shouldn't be allowed to prevent you from having a healthy, normal relationship with a man, but he doesn't seem to be the guy who offers that.  If you want her to grow up to be a strong woman who doesn't take abuse from a man, then you have to be a role model for her. What she sees is what she will expect in a male/female relationship when it comes time for her to enter into one. You are an adult, she is not, and that makes it your responsibility to make this right for her sake. In some ways, she's a barometer to knowing what's good for you, even if you don't.

Dear Miss Emily:

I am terribly sorry to put this on you but i can't find any advice anywhere.
Anyways,  My friend (we live in U K) is currently living with her stepfather, after having problems with her mother. Previously she had nothing to do with her mother until recently. Her mother has written  a letter to college saying that she will now be "my friends" next of kin, will come to all parents evenings and she must give permission for my friend to go on trips.  As you'd expect my friend is furious at this, she wants to be with her stepfather whom she has lived with for a while now. Her mother wanted nothing to do with her life but now she's doing it to spite my friend, and she's also accused my friend's stepfather of not been able to control my friend. Which is not true! My friend is very well behaved, good mannered and is an all round lovely person for anyone old/ young to be around. My friend doesn't want anything to do with her mother, nor does she want her mother to be involved with anything (such as the college issue)  My friend is 17 if that helps in any way, and has got really upset over this whole situation. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

Is it possible for your friend to go to the school and ask them how old you need to be in order to remove her mother as "kin"? That would be a start. If the school would allow the stepfather to be considered "kin" (after all, she lives with him -- he's her guardian, I would assume), that would solve the problem. Is her mother contributing any financial support? Her mother is playing a power game and, by doing this, she hopes to control her daughters life, indirectly, no matter the greater wedge it places between them. It's a foolish move if she ever hopes to mend fences, because it only serves to create more tension and acrimony. Hopefully, your friend will be able to declare some emancipation regarding this, and live her life on her terms.

Advice to woman whose 11 year-old son has ADHD.  She can't afford his medication and he's getting harder to handle. 

On a daily basis, your son struggles with his particular way of judging and trying to cope in the world around him.  It is extremely difficult, as you well know, for a child with ADHD to listen and ponder when his mind and body are geared to do something else.  It seems you have pretty much run the gamut on trying to figure out how to bring some peace and sanity to this situation, but have encountered many roadblocks.  These are a few suggestions that may help: 

Although a structured regimen is the standard way of dealing with a child with ADHD, here is another similar approach you might consider and, hopefully, get a better result.

 Include him in the schedule planning, be it homework, social events or chores.  Use a daily calendar to put it in writing.  Now you have let him in on some negotiating, and it sneaks in structure but not in your face structure. The daily calendar is accessible, but not blatant.  If he is made to feel that his intelligence and reasoning will be taken into consideration in the planning stages, it will give him the opportunity to feel in charge of his life and take pride in the decisions he makes, and his completed tasks.  A lot of praise is paramount for self-esteem when projects are completed well, or he does anything that shows initiative.  "Now that's what I love to see.  A guy who takes charge!" 

If homework is hard to complete in one session, consider asking him if he thinks small breaks are the answer.  Spanking is not the solution for an 11 year-old -- he's beyond that stage.  At his physical and emotional level, it's not only a demeaning form of punishment,  it also propagates internal anger. You want to avoid this, at all costs, because it opens the floodgates for physically acting out during the teen years.

Make sure that when you spend quality time with your son, you are completely engaged in the activity.  Let him know, as an adult, you have commitments, but when you do take time to relax and have some fun with your family, it's going to be with a freedom devoid of the stress you experience from your own hectic life. Kids know these are economically difficult times, but it need not be the focus of family time together.  A board game takes no more than time, and cost next to nothing.  

A go in the backdoor method of engagement is a good approach.  By that I mean, avoid accusations and knee-jerk reaction to his rebellious behavior.  Instead, let him know that you are human and have feelings too.  Don't evoke any type of pity, but tell him that you know how he feels because you've been there.  Relate it to a childhood experience of yours, as long as it relates to the subject at hand and how you handled it, or should have handled it. Non-judgmental conversations can also lead to pearls of wisdom, and valuable advice.

Frequently ask him about his feelings on a subject, and you'd like his opinion on the world around him and how he relates to it.  Share ideas, no matter how inconsequential.  Remain as calm as humanly possible, and show him you are in his corner when it comes to making life work for him, not against him. 

He may not be able to have the father figure he needs in his life, but if you accept that as an unfortunate fact, you will fulfill your role in his life with great honor.  The effort you put into these formative years will not only serve him well, but you avoid years of potential conflict with him. 

And finally, get him involved in music!  The best way to start is with a group like the Beatles, if he's not already into them.  There is a new, resurgence of popularity because of a recent release of a compilation of their albums. Start with "Meet the Beatles" and go from there.  Music allows an active brain to find a positive escape from everyday stress  -- as long as the subject matter is relatively benign for a boy his age. Play it in the car, to start, and reward him with CDs for good behavior. 

And finally, remind him, when he gets frustrated, that disappointments can be nothing more than a blip on a large radar screen.  Life is full of problems. But they only last as long as the time it takes to solve them. 

Dear Miss Emily:

My 9 year-old son, my boyfriend and I live in my boyfriend’s mother’s basement.  My boyfriend thinks my son hates him, although it’s never been a statement. The two never say much to each other.  Who should approach the situation?
Concerned Parent

---------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Concerned:

You should approach the situation.  First off, three in a basement leaves little room for privacy, and your son is, more than likely, feeling resentful.  I would guess he had little choice in this arrangement, and now he’s sharing his mother with a man you picked to be his friend/surrogate father, but it isn’t working out the way you had hoped.  Your boyfriend might feel resentful, as well, but he has no right.  He’s providing (through his mommy) a home, no matter how meager and, maybe, he feels that’s enough to garner your son's respect and admiration.  But again, he would be wrong.  I’m not sure either one of them would be honest with you about their feelings for the other, but I would ask my boyfriend to try and engage your son in something that would interest him and they could share together.  Kids usually respond when someone pays attention to them and genuinely likes them.  If your boyfriend is not up for the task, your son comes first and his comfort level is your responsibility.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should find other living arrangements if the situation does not improve.  If you were the child in this case, what would you want your parent to do?    

Dear Miss Emily:

My girlfriend and I have been off and on since about 7 months ago. About 3 months back, we had a huge falling out and I just recently started talking to her again. It was all fine until yesterday, when she told me that she was going to call me back and she never did. Now with some people you know that’s just how they are, but not with her. The only time she doesn't call back is if she’s mad or upset. So I then went crazy and called her phone so many times I lost count. She never answered, so the next day I went over to her house and her dad came outside and started cussing me out and told me to never talk to his daughter again.  But the thing is that she loves me, and I love her. She is somewhat mad at me but its nothing that we couldn't work through. So our only problem would be her dad. What should I do?  I know that this is the girl I want to spend my life with, but I don't want to start any trouble.
Parent Trapped

---------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------

Dear Parent Trapped:

I would think that if this girl is in total disagreement with her dad, she’d find some way to contact you – unless she lives in fear of him.  I see that you two are young enough where parent intervention holds a lot of sway.  This relationship has had a lot of trouble, it would seem, and her dad has been privy to it.  I think he perceives you as a controlling drama king, and he’s fed up with the situation.  You need to get straight with why you two had your falling out periods.  What motivates you to disagree and fight, and what could you have done differently?  It’s premature for you to think this is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with, because it’s rare, at your age, to find and follow through on making that person your life’s mate. You’re off to a lousy start, anyway!  Back off, and get some perspective. You’ll never win this battle if you don’t get in touch with why this girl’s dad sees you as a pariah.  You'll make a mistake if you let your fragile ego be your guide.  Time and wisdom are the only things that can help you through this sticky situation, because making a pest of yourself will only serve to perpetuate ill feelings toward you, and you can’t afford any more negatives.     
   
   
 

Hi Miss Emily,

I'm in a bind here not knowing what to do, and I really am in need of your advice. My son was in a relationship with this girl  for 2 and a half years. They went to the same college and graduated this past spring. The day after graduation she broke up with him. I have to mention that she lived with us. I used to cook for her, wash and fold her clothes, buy her anything she needed from pads to foot powder! She never shared with expenses.  My son took care of all of that. He paid for her membership at the gym, and even got her a personal trainer.  He deposited money in her account when she was running low or over-drafted.  I could go on and on about how good he was to her.  She had to move to another city after they graduated, so she just decided it wasn’t going to work out. But the way she went about it, she sent him an e-mail telling him that she stopped loving him 6 months prior to them graduating, and was really mean, He tried so hard to get back with her but she wouldn’t even take his calls. He was devastated! Apparently, she got into a relationship with this other guy (2 weeks after they broke up), and had pictures of her tagged on Facebook.  They were hugging and very lovey-dovey, so I decided to save the images just in case. Well, she called him a week ago and told him that she missed him and wants to get back with him, and she swore up and down that she hasn’t been with anyone.  I know otherwise.  My question is should I show him the pictures? I feel that she wants to use him again.  She did mention that she was broke. I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to hurt my kid, but I believe she's using him again until she finds something better.  Please advice me as  I  don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to be one of those evil mothers, but I do want what’s best for my son. Oh, and I forgot to mention that she was in a 2 year relationship with this other guy before she met my son, and I heard she did the same to him. He was also broken up. (she is big time ADD btw).  Thank you.
Only Wants What’s Best

-------------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------

Dear Only:

This girl took advantage of you and your son, and you and your son let it happen.  I know how easy it is to cater to the young. You wait on them hand and foot, and it ends up to be a thankless job. Some of them have they heads so firmly lodged up their rear end, they don’t even know how ungrateful they are, even when those around them seem happy to accommodate their every need.  Somewhere in your mind, you thought this girl needed your help, your maid services and your money.  Why?  I don’t know.  The right circumstance would have been to expect this girl to pull some of her own weight and be a responsible human being.  But neither you nor your son asked for it, and she wasn’t going to let go of a good thing.  If it were me?  I’d feel a slight pang of guilt but, then, I’m not 20 something, and my “it’s all about me days” are over.  I would sit down with your son and have a frank discussion with him concerning this girl and her new intentions.  Don’t belittle him by making him feel foolish if he’d take her back, but let him know how you feel about mistakes you had made by enabling her inability to be self-sufficient.  Tell him that if he lets her back into his life, it’s his business, but you cannot be expected to welcome her back unless she has proven that she is not seeking a safe financial harbor, after being exposed to the cruelties of the real world. Set new ground rules in your home, and expect your son to honor them.  By being firm, but kind, you are showing by example and, hopefully, your son will appreciate your strength and honesty.  If your son is so terribly weak when it comes to this girl, showing him pictures of her cuddling with another guy will not deter him.  Rationalizing is our way of doing what we want, even when all the signs point to failure. Again, build him up by telling him that you trust he will make the right decision concerning this girl – a decision that reflects his intelligence and worthiness of respect.  It that doesn’t work, your son is setting himself up to learn the hard way, and there is little you can do about it.             

Dear Miss Emily:

 I have a neighbor directly next door to me and she has a son the same age as my son (7).  They tend to argue more than get along these days.  I think it is that my son has a younger brother and has had to learn to share, where the neighbor boy doesn't like to share and is very jealous of my son and tries to get others against him for some reason.  His mom doesn't see this so ignores my thoughts.  My son's feeling get hurt and it bothers me that we have to live right next door, so I can't prevent the neighbor boy from being around outdoors  playing with others that my son plays with too.  What do you suggest to help me with this matter
Worried Mom

-----------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------

Dear Worried:

I have always been led to believe that children must work out these problems on their own – that’s learning how to live in the big world, and they had better get used to this aspect of socialization sooner rather than later.  But I’m not so sure about this as a hard and fast rule.  No child should be forced to tolerate bullying and undisciplined behavior.  Now how do you put a stop to this?  I suggest you reinforce to your son that it is important for him to stand up for himself and not allow this boy to take charge. Follow it by explaining to him that this child has no more rights than he, and stress the rules of fair play.  Continue to monitor the interaction between them, and intercede if you see a problem.  Let this boy know that you will not allow him to behave aggressively toward your son.  Do it in a firm but kindly manner, and suggest reasonable solutions. Your son will see that you are intolerant of bad behavior, and he will learn from you.  Keep an open communication with your son concerning his interaction with this boy and give advice as you see fit.  Again, emphasize what is fair rather than defame or lower yourself to this boy's level.  Your children will easily accept your willingness to help them if you present yourself in a rational, nonjudgmental manner.  And finally, if your son’s playtime with this boy becomes too difficult for him, tell him to grab his brother and come home. Reward him for his good judgment in knowing that he need not be a part of activities that turn into a chapter of Lord of the Flies (boys behaving badly!).  If your neighbor doesn’t like your apprach, too bad. Your children come first.              

Dear Miss Emily:

What important morals can a parent share with their child?

------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------

In terms of morality, no one is in complete agreement but, when it comes to raising children, caring, wise and loving parents pretty much agree on these moral imperatives:  Honesty, Respect and Responsibility.  How do you share these with your children?  By setting an example.  If you teach your child that stealing is wrong, do not rip-off packets of sugar in a restaurant.  If you tell your child to respect others, do not defame or make ethnic slurs to anyone.  If you preach to your child that lying is wrong, do not tell whoppers and then expect them not to behave in kind.  If your children are told that humans are responsible for keeping the planet clean, do not litter, or be wasteful. Remember, what is right or wrong does not have to be taught by religious or legal authority.  Teaching a child to be responsible for his/her actions is a matter of cause and effect.  We are all in this together, and we benefit by understanding that compassion is the best defense against our baser, primitive instincts.               

Dear Miss Emily:

Do you think that parents should be too strict on their teenagers?  Why or why not?  Is it yes or no? Why or why not?
Want Answers

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------

Dear Want Answers:

The words you use “too strict” implies excessive, overkill, or beyond reasonable.  Parents parent from the way they view life, and children rarely see it as fair.  “Too strict,” in this case, is somewhat subjective; meaning, through one person’s eyes only.  If you are a parent asking this question, it tells me that you might be having doubts about whether you are being fair or not.  If you are a teenager who wrote this, well, you’re seeing it pretty much the same way; it’s just that you are the recipient of the restrictions placed on your life rather than the authority figure making the rules.  A parent should dole out discipline when it is justified and, in the process, protects their teen against lapses of good judgment.  A teenager would be a lot less angry if she/he realized that they really don’t know everything and that a parent may be wiser than perceived.  That said, unreasonable can truly be unreasonable, and too much can legitimately be too much. Take a look at the whole picture.  Only then will you be able to back your opinion as to what you think is “too much” or "not too much" of anything.