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icertified.net response to advice seeker "J"
- Published 01/27/2012
- Parenting
"J"
You have had tremendous difficulty in dealing with family issues, and I think you need to seek counseling; as well as your daughter, and the one from his first marriage who is accusing him of molestation -- yet now denies it. Both girls are troubled, indeed. I cannot know, for sure, if your husband's daughter's accusations of him molesting her are true, or not. There is so much dysfunction in these families, based on the previous letters you've sent to me, I can't discount that there may be some truth to what both these girls have said. Sexual child abuse is a serious matter, and it does happen in families. Your husband, and your daugther with him have not gotten along for quite some time. Her hostility toward him is consistent. He has also made comments about having sleazy women come on to him, sexually, and he's frequently said that in front of her. Yes, she may have lied to you about what her stepsister told her but, again, that is an unknown. I think you need to talk to a professional in order to find some answers as to what's going on with your husband, your daughter, and how best to handle it. I am not saying he's guilty of what his other daughter accuses him of doing, but it warrants finding out -- if possible.
You have had tremendous difficulty in dealing with family issues, and I think you need to seek counseling; as well as your daughter, and the one from his first marriage who is accusing him of molestation -- yet now denies it. Both girls are troubled, indeed. I cannot know, for sure, if your husband's daughter's accusations of him molesting her are true, or not. There is so much dysfunction in these families, based on the previous letters you've sent to me, I can't discount that there may be some truth to what both these girls have said. Sexual child abuse is a serious matter, and it does happen in families. Your husband, and your daugther with him have not gotten along for quite some time. Her hostility toward him is consistent. He has also made comments about having sleazy women come on to him, sexually, and he's frequently said that in front of her. Yes, she may have lied to you about what her stepsister told her but, again, that is an unknown. I think you need to talk to a professional in order to find some answers as to what's going on with your husband, your daughter, and how best to handle it. I am not saying he's guilty of what his other daughter accuses him of doing, but it warrants finding out -- if possible.
Egg Donor Dilemma
- Published 01/16/2012
- Parenting
Dear Miss Emily:
If my surrogate is going to have a baby, and my husband is the father, and we have a donor for the egg, is it all right to tell family about the surrogate but not mention that the baby came from a donor egg? I think the child should know that before anyone else, so we should tell the child when he, or she is young -- and then the child can tell others. What do you think of this plan?
--------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I think you should tell the family up front. "Gee, sis, 'Timmy' doesn't look like anyone in our family!" Comments like that could incense you, but if family isn't aware your child is not from your egg, you never know what might be said out of ignorance. You can tell your child at the appropriate time, but if your family can be trusted to let this be your concern, and not interfere, I see no reason why the truth isn't best from the get-go.
If my surrogate is going to have a baby, and my husband is the father, and we have a donor for the egg, is it all right to tell family about the surrogate but not mention that the baby came from a donor egg? I think the child should know that before anyone else, so we should tell the child when he, or she is young -- and then the child can tell others. What do you think of this plan?
--------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I think you should tell the family up front. "Gee, sis, 'Timmy' doesn't look like anyone in our family!" Comments like that could incense you, but if family isn't aware your child is not from your egg, you never know what might be said out of ignorance. You can tell your child at the appropriate time, but if your family can be trusted to let this be your concern, and not interfere, I see no reason why the truth isn't best from the get-go.
Forget Being Designated Mommy
- Published 01/5/2012
- Parenting
Dear Miss Emily:
I dated a guy for a while and started getting really close to his son. He was 1 at the time. I only met the kid once...he wanted me to be a mother to his son. I fell in love with his son. We broke up. I have been dating my current boyfriend for 10 months, He is the best thing that has happened to me. I love him. But my ex is still wanting me to be a mother to his son. I feel I should keep the promise, but I don't want it to come between me and my boyfriend. I feel that my ex is just using his son to get to me. What do you think I should do?
-----------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------
"I promise" should, permanently, be removed from everyone's vocabulary, and your situation is an example of why that should be the case. This is a promise you must break. You are happy in your new relationship, and it would add tremendous difficulty to your life. It's almost ludicrous to think about it working out. Move on with your life, and tell your ex to do the same. He will find someone, eventually (hopefully, permanently, for his son's sake), and she will be the new mother of his son. And when he does find this woman, can you imagine how she would feel if you were the designated mother? I shudder to think about the fallout from that! That boy does not need the confusion in his life, nor any stress resulting from two dueling mommies. No, tell your ex it's not possible, and the legitimate reasons why. He'll get over it. We often make promises in the heat of the moment. For you, lesson learned.
Daughter Wears Clownish Make-up
- Published 01/3/2012
- Parenting
Dear Miss Emily:
j
j
My 14 year old daughter is wearing makeup that looks freakish. She wears layers of foundation topped with thick bronzer and there is a line around her entire face showing where the make up stops. She lines her outer lips a dark color and fills in with gobs of gloss so it looks like someone took a marker and traced around her lips. She wears thick black eyeliner a la cat style with tammy Faye-ish mascara. The worst is her eyebrows. She literally makes her eyebrows 3 times thicker and darker than they are; she almost draws a unibrow on her face and makes square edges. The sad part is that she is a beautiful girl, naturally, but you would never know it behind the mask she is wearing. She is an A student, doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs so I tried to let her do her own thing thinking it was a phase but it has been over a year now and I am really disturbed and upset. She will not talk about it at all, and tells me to stop if I try talking about it. I offered to take her to a professional makeup artist for a few lessons but she scoffed and said no way. People stare at her whenever we are in public, my friends ask me what is wrong with her as it is so freakish. She doesn't care. I have gotten to the point where I will not go out in public with her as it is too painful to see the stares and whispers from people. I love my daughter and don't know why she is doing this to herself. Do you think I should take her to a psychiatrist? She will refuse to go, but I am at the end of my rope. I don't know why she is so intent on distorting her own beauty. Any advice?
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
I think it's perfectly within your right to tell her it's way too much and she must tone it down, and it's not negotiable. You seem to be afraid to exhibit your authority as a parent, and that's not a good place to be now, or in the future! If she seems reasonable in all other areas, her grades are great and she's respectful to you and others in all other ways, it should be within your power (and reasonable) to sit her down and tell her this is not appropriate for her age, and she has two choices: either she makes the changes herself, or she can go to a make-up artist to learn some proper make-up techniques that are age appropriate. This particular age is a time when teens want to express their independence (somewhat like a toddler), but that does not mean looking like a clown is acceptable behavior. Parents often have to bite the inside of their cheeks in order for a child to find his, or her own way, but there are limits. Again, you have a right to a say in how your child behaves and appears in public. If you put your foot down, and she does not comply, it would be smart for you to see a counselor for tips on how to handle her rebellion in this area. Her reasons for doing this, other than thinking it's cool, may be deep-rooted, and you want to cover all bases.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
I think it's perfectly within your right to tell her it's way too much and she must tone it down, and it's not negotiable. You seem to be afraid to exhibit your authority as a parent, and that's not a good place to be now, or in the future! If she seems reasonable in all other areas, her grades are great and she's respectful to you and others in all other ways, it should be within your power (and reasonable) to sit her down and tell her this is not appropriate for her age, and she has two choices: either she makes the changes herself, or she can go to a make-up artist to learn some proper make-up techniques that are age appropriate. This particular age is a time when teens want to express their independence (somewhat like a toddler), but that does not mean looking like a clown is acceptable behavior. Parents often have to bite the inside of their cheeks in order for a child to find his, or her own way, but there are limits. Again, you have a right to a say in how your child behaves and appears in public. If you put your foot down, and she does not comply, it would be smart for you to see a counselor for tips on how to handle her rebellion in this area. Her reasons for doing this, other than thinking it's cool, may be deep-rooted, and you want to cover all bases.
Troubled Daughter
- Published 11/28/2011
- Parenting
"J" with a certified.net address. You have sent several letters, and I am unable to write a personal reply (Yahoo returns them), nor post all of them because of the volume. My heart goes out to you. Your daughter is extremely troubled. She does need a great deal of intervention and help. It is possible that a medication could control her mood swings, but she really should be diagnosed by a psychiatrist in order to get the proper treatment she needs. There are myriad mental disorders that could be controlling her behavior, and a proper diagnosis is necessary. Please see a doctor in order to get some guidance in how to, or at least try to deal with her. Bottom line, however, is that some people will not get help because it's part of their illness. I hope that's not the case for her, or she will continue to tear this family apart. Get counseling now, please.
Parenting A Rebellious Daughter
- Published 11/14/2011
- Parenting
"J"
I got your letter a second time, and an additional one with more information. Please check in the "parenting" column (on the left of my webpage) for the initital advice. I also must impress upon you how much of a need there is for family counseling. If your husband and daughter won't attend, I think it's important for you to go. You're falling to pieces over this, and you need emotional support and help in finding tools to deal with your daughter.
Your e-mail comes through with the icertified.net tag, and Yahoo does not deliver my e-mails sent to that address. Otherwise, you would have received a more lengthy reply.
I got your letter a second time, and an additional one with more information. Please check in the "parenting" column (on the left of my webpage) for the initital advice. I also must impress upon you how much of a need there is for family counseling. If your husband and daughter won't attend, I think it's important for you to go. You're falling to pieces over this, and you need emotional support and help in finding tools to deal with your daughter.
Your e-mail comes through with the icertified.net tag, and Yahoo does not deliver my e-mails sent to that address. Otherwise, you would have received a more lengthy reply.
Child Gone Wild!
- Published 11/11/2011
- Parenting
Dear Miss Emily:
My daughter has been telling me things that my husband has been saying about me. She has been telling me things he says for a long time now. She makes sure I know about it. This has bothered me for a long time, and when I ask him about it he says he's not been saying everything she says that he says. The other day they went somewhere and she said they were fighting while they was out together. Both of them are driving me nuts!!!!! What do you think about this? Can you help me,? I really need a answer. Also my daughter hits and fights me when she doesn't get her way.please help!!!!!!!
-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------------
Often times, a rebellious child will try to pit one parent against the other, but I see a profound lack of respect for you coming from your husband, as well as your daughter. If he is talking about you, negatively, behind your back to her, he has helped create an environment that is allowing your daughter to act out against you. Your husband should be in lockstep with you in childrearing. Boundaries need to be set with your daughter, and you and your husband must agree to them in order to have positive results with her. In no way should she be allowed to hit you, nor fight with you. It's about power struggles, and once a parent gives up his, or her power, a child will often move in to take control. You are at a loss as how to move forward, but you are the mother and need to seek help that gives your concrete solutions. If family counseling is too costly for you (but see if it's part of your health coverage), please seek the advice of a school counselor. They often offer assistance in cases of discipline problems. You can't do this alone, your husband seems clueless, and this is far too important to ignore, or accept without trying to right this shaky ship.
My daughter has been telling me things that my husband has been saying about me. She has been telling me things he says for a long time now. She makes sure I know about it. This has bothered me for a long time, and when I ask him about it he says he's not been saying everything she says that he says. The other day they went somewhere and she said they were fighting while they was out together. Both of them are driving me nuts!!!!! What do you think about this? Can you help me,? I really need a answer. Also my daughter hits and fights me when she doesn't get her way.please help!!!!!!!
-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------------
Often times, a rebellious child will try to pit one parent against the other, but I see a profound lack of respect for you coming from your husband, as well as your daughter. If he is talking about you, negatively, behind your back to her, he has helped create an environment that is allowing your daughter to act out against you. Your husband should be in lockstep with you in childrearing. Boundaries need to be set with your daughter, and you and your husband must agree to them in order to have positive results with her. In no way should she be allowed to hit you, nor fight with you. It's about power struggles, and once a parent gives up his, or her power, a child will often move in to take control. You are at a loss as how to move forward, but you are the mother and need to seek help that gives your concrete solutions. If family counseling is too costly for you (but see if it's part of your health coverage), please seek the advice of a school counselor. They often offer assistance in cases of discipline problems. You can't do this alone, your husband seems clueless, and this is far too important to ignore, or accept without trying to right this shaky ship.
Parent/Child Conflict
- Published 11/8/2011
- Parenting
Dear Miss Emily:
I hope you can help me. For a long time now, my husband and daughter have not been getting along, and my daughter has caused us all kinds of problems. She says she hates her dad. What I need to know is what do I need to do? I am in the middle all the time, and nobody here wants to change anything. I am staying upset. I love them both, but this needs to stop. My daughter starts the arguments most of the time. She will not do anything she is told.
------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------------
You can't do this alone. Your husband and daughter are locked in a war that seems to have no end. Your daughter is the child, however, and if your husband thinks that being argumentative with her is the answer, he's wrong. He is the adult in the room, or should be, and he needs to start using some tools that end the conflicts and stops the madness. You and he must work as a team, if at all possible. Your husband is being selfish (to say the least), and he would be childish in his own behavior if he did not want to work at solving a serious issue that is destroying the very fabric of the family unit. I would ask him to come with you to a family counselor, in order to find solutions to these conflicts with your daughter. I assume your daughter is a teenager and, therefore, naturally rebellious in her effort to seek her own identity. That said, she's getting away with bad behavior because your husband has put himself on her level. I hope you are capable of setting boundaries with your daughter, and not be a pawn in this game of tit-for-tat. You are not impotent when it comes to discipline, but you need help in finding a way to keep you out of being caught in the middle. If your husband won't go to counseling to deal with this, you go. You feel powerless, and that's the last place you want to be. Here's a web site that may enlighten you. Type into Google: Family Education: Avoiding Arguments and Power Struggles With Your Kids.
I hope you can help me. For a long time now, my husband and daughter have not been getting along, and my daughter has caused us all kinds of problems. She says she hates her dad. What I need to know is what do I need to do? I am in the middle all the time, and nobody here wants to change anything. I am staying upset. I love them both, but this needs to stop. My daughter starts the arguments most of the time. She will not do anything she is told.
------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------------
You can't do this alone. Your husband and daughter are locked in a war that seems to have no end. Your daughter is the child, however, and if your husband thinks that being argumentative with her is the answer, he's wrong. He is the adult in the room, or should be, and he needs to start using some tools that end the conflicts and stops the madness. You and he must work as a team, if at all possible. Your husband is being selfish (to say the least), and he would be childish in his own behavior if he did not want to work at solving a serious issue that is destroying the very fabric of the family unit. I would ask him to come with you to a family counselor, in order to find solutions to these conflicts with your daughter. I assume your daughter is a teenager and, therefore, naturally rebellious in her effort to seek her own identity. That said, she's getting away with bad behavior because your husband has put himself on her level. I hope you are capable of setting boundaries with your daughter, and not be a pawn in this game of tit-for-tat. You are not impotent when it comes to discipline, but you need help in finding a way to keep you out of being caught in the middle. If your husband won't go to counseling to deal with this, you go. You feel powerless, and that's the last place you want to be. Here's a web site that may enlighten you. Type into Google: Family Education: Avoiding Arguments and Power Struggles With Your Kids.
The Kids Come First
- Published 08/24/2011
- Parenting
Dear Miss Emily:
I'm a 38 y/o happily married full-time nurse with a 3 1/2 old girl and a 15 month boy. My mother-in-law volunteered to babysit for free at my house when I work mon-tues-weds. My mother babysits if i work Fridays. Thursdays they go to daycare. My MIL constantly has her daughter and her 4 kids over while at my house. I never felt safe with a 74 y/o MIL watching all these children -- ages 10, 8, 6 and 5. The 8 year old has downs syndrome and is extra busy. Not always 6 total children but always more than my 2. I have expressed my grief to my husband, and he tells me he is happy and I am crazy and leave well enough alone. So, yesterday, I come home to find hot pink nail polish all over my upstairs carpet. My 3 1/2 y/o, a 5y/o and my 15 month old were left alone up there and climbed into bathroom cabinet (that is very high-I need a step stool) and got it out. MIL and SIL never apolozied or called me. I am thankful no one drank the polish or even worse. Am I wrong to call my MIL and tell her to only watch my 2 kids when at my house? My husband thinks I am selfish and lashed out at my family who has their own issues. HELP! i feel trapped and dont want to start a war buy this is a chronic issue.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
Of course you're not in the wrong. This is far too many children for a 74 year-old woman to watch, and I don't care if she's in the senior Olympics! In fact, that's too many children for anyone to watch and insure absolute safety. It's nice that you say you're happily married, but I think your husband is not putting you and his children first and, in my opinion it's negligent, self-serving and insensitive. Your children come first, and it has nothing to do with family loyalty other than the loyalty you and he have to your children. This is a tough one, because you may make some enemies, but I would rather have a list of enemies than a child in the hospital seriously injured because no one had the guts to put this right. Again, your husband is acting like a "but what about your family?" teenager when it comes to a serious matter relating to the welfare of his children. Tell your mother-in-law you want only your children in the home when you are not there, or look for other arrangements. End of discussion!
Parents' Disapprove of Daughter's Boyfriend
- Published 06/21/2011
- Parenting
Dear Miss Emily:
Hello, our 16 yr old daughter is dating a young man who doesn't work, have a car or is focused on the same goals as she is. Because she has a car and job, she takes care of the transportation and sometimes, pays for the date. How do we convince her to raise her standards and date a young man with the appropriate resources such as job and car?
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
The problem, were you to complain about him, is that you'd be indirectly insulting your daughter for the choice she made, and she'd dig in her heels to prove you wrong. His family has made no demands on him in terms of job and, at sixteen, that's not uncommon. Hopefully, your daughter's work ethic, and her goal to head to college will, eventually, supersede her feelings for this boy -- or it may simply run its course. In the meantime, welcome him to your home and get to know him. If you notice his behavior to be disrespectful, you can mention that respect is key to a good relationship and she should demand it. I don't trust many sixteen year-old boys behind the wheel of a car and, perhaps it's better your daughter is doing the driving. Do, however, make it known that he is not to drive her car because of insurance risks. There are certain guidelines you can set down for her safety but, short of that, I'd monitor the relationship by maintaining an open door policy at your home. You may find this boy to be a nice kid who is only taking advantage of the things that are offered to him: a generous girlfriend who is willing to be his wheels, and pick up the tab for a movie and McDonald's. If, however, her paying for him puts a financial burden on you and your husband, tell her that she's made a choice on how to spend her money, and that's fine, but you won't subsidize her to compensate for subsidizing her boyfriend. That's only fair and, hopefully, a reality check.
