Dear Miss Emily:

 I have a neighbor directly next door to me and she has a son the same age as my son (7).  They tend to argue more than get along these days.  I think it is that my son has a younger brother and has had to learn to share, where the neighbor boy doesn't like to share and is very jealous of my son and tries to get others against him for some reason.  His mom doesn't see this so ignores my thoughts.  My son's feeling get hurt and it bothers me that we have to live right next door, so I can't prevent the neighbor boy from being around outdoors  playing with others that my son plays with too.  What do you suggest to help me with this matter
Worried Mom

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Dear Worried:

I have always been led to believe that children must work out these problems on their own – that’s learning how to live in the big world, and they had better get used to this aspect of socialization sooner rather than later.  But I’m not so sure about this as a hard and fast rule.  No child should be forced to tolerate bullying and undisciplined behavior.  Now how do you put a stop to this?  I suggest you reinforce to your son that it is important for him to stand up for himself and not allow this boy to take charge. Follow it by explaining to him that this child has no more rights than he, and stress the rules of fair play.  Continue to monitor the interaction between them, and intercede if you see a problem.  Let this boy know that you will not allow him to behave aggressively toward your son.  Do it in a firm but kindly manner, and suggest reasonable solutions. Your son will see that you are intolerant of bad behavior, and he will learn from you.  Keep an open communication with your son concerning his interaction with this boy and give advice as you see fit.  Again, emphasize what is fair rather than defame or lower yourself to this boy's level.  Your children will easily accept your willingness to help them if you present yourself in a rational, nonjudgmental manner.  And finally, if your son’s playtime with this boy becomes too difficult for him, tell him to grab his brother and come home. Reward him for his good judgment in knowing that he need not be a part of activities that turn into a chapter of Lord of the Flies (boys behaving badly!).  If your neighbor doesn’t like your apprach, too bad. Your children come first.              

Dear Miss Emily:

What important morals can a parent share with their child?

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In terms of morality, no one is in complete agreement but, when it comes to raising children, caring, wise and loving parents pretty much agree on these moral imperatives:  Honesty, Respect and Responsibility.  How do you share these with your children?  By setting an example.  If you teach your child that stealing is wrong, do not rip-off packets of sugar in a restaurant.  If you tell your child to respect others, do not defame or make ethnic slurs to anyone.  If you preach to your child that lying is wrong, do not tell whoppers and then expect them not to behave in kind.  If your children are told that humans are responsible for keeping the planet clean, do not litter, or be wasteful. Remember, what is right or wrong does not have to be taught by religious or legal authority.  Teaching a child to be responsible for his/her actions is a matter of cause and effect.  We are all in this together, and we benefit by understanding that compassion is the best defense against our baser, primitive instincts.               

Dear Miss Emily:

Do you think that parents should be too strict on their teenagers?  Why or why not?  Is it yes or no? Why or why not?
Want Answers

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Dear Want Answers:

The words you use “too strict” implies excessive, overkill, or beyond reasonable.  Parents parent from the way they view life, and children rarely see it as fair.  “Too strict,” in this case, is somewhat subjective; meaning, through one person’s eyes only.  If you are a parent asking this question, it tells me that you might be having doubts about whether you are being fair or not.  If you are a teenager who wrote this, well, you’re seeing it pretty much the same way; it’s just that you are the recipient of the restrictions placed on your life rather than the authority figure making the rules.  A parent should dole out discipline when it is justified and, in the process, protects their teen against lapses of good judgment.  A teenager would be a lot less angry if she/he realized that they really don’t know everything and that a parent may be wiser than perceived.  That said, unreasonable can truly be unreasonable, and too much can legitimately be too much. Take a look at the whole picture.  Only then will you be able to back your opinion as to what you think is “too much” or "not too much" of anything.       

Dear Miss Emily:

My daughter is 18.  She is model-beautiful.  Everyone tells her so. She thinks she needs a nose job because her nose  is asymmetrical and it is a tiny bit wide at the bottom.  I think she has body dysmorphic disorder, because I have OCD and it is related. The flaw is imperceptible to others.  She saved her money and made a surgery appointment.  She still resides in my home.  She wants me to drive her to her appointment.  I am so against this surgery, even though I had breast implants and a deviated septum fixed at 39.  I was not 18!  I am worried it is more of a psychological issue, and we are all sending mixed messages to our girls.  Her father was not in the picture much and this may be part of the problem. So what do I do?  Refuse to drive her to her appointment?  Or do I figure she is an adult, can join the Marines, vote and get a tattoo. What if the surgery goes awry?  Will she blame me?   I can't sleep over this.  Pleas help us come to an understanding before I go crazy.
Mom Who Wants Sanity

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Dear Mom:

Sending mixed messages are the messy part of parenting.  We usually teach by example.  In other words, it’s hard to tell a child not to do something when the parent did it.  I’m not saying that you don’t have a valid reason for opposing this surgery, but I think you’re going overboard in explaining why your daughter wants it.  Society does dictate perfection, although unattainable, and all of us are under pressure to try to measure up.  Kudos to those who rise above it, accept their uniqueness, as well, realize that inner-beauty is the ultimate asset.  That said, shift gears and drive her to the surgery.  It sounds like a minor procedure, in that you have said there is just a small imperfection. Stop losing sleep over this.  I suspect with your over-analysis concerning this matter, that you worry about a lot of things.  She is eighteen.  Allow her to learn about life from living it, and not through your battle-weary interpretations.   

Dear Miss Emily:

How do you not let your partner’s child, from a different woman, not bug you?
Struggling

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Dear Struggling:

It’s difficult, but not impossible.  Difficult, because it seems to be a big problem in our society.  Numerous divorces – the changing of partners – creating blended families. And lots of new families screwing things up, because no one is getting along, and everyone blames the other party or parties.  Sounds like a good reason to join a convent, doesn’t it?  But the children suffer the most.  They do not choose their parents, and are often forced into situations they cannot control. Now, why it’s not impossible, however, to make it work.  Realize that your attitude has to change.  Start viewing the child as an individual.  See what you can offer this person that no one else can give.  If you are smart, you will create a bond with this child, so that the time you spend together is not done with gritted teeth or, worse, overt rejection.  A child is like a pet, it senses when you don’t like it.  I know that taking the high road is not always easy.  It’s often something we wish we had done after the dust settles, and it’s too late to repair the damage.  If you are a caring person, you will demand of yourself an attitude adjustment concerning this child.  Do it before things gets out of hand.                 

Dear Miss Emily:

What can I do with my disrespectful teenage daughter?
Parent Trapped

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Dear Parent:

It depends on the degree of disrespect.  If it’s not brutal, but never-the-less challenging, patience, understanding, and heart-to-heart talks can work wonders.  Know that many factors come into play:  Hormones are at a fever-pitch and toy mercilessly with a teenager’s moods.  A teenager faces this with a growing intellect that tells them, somehow, they know more than the parents.  Don’t fly off the handle and put yourself on the same level as your daughter.  Give her some space to figure out some of her problems; offering guidance, but do not be judgmental.  Set boundaries, but don’t make them come from your insecurities; that is to say, be rational and fair.  Never lie to her to get your way. Rebellion is a normal process of growing up, but if it gets out of hand, you must seek professional help.  And finally, make her a part of your life.  Include her in outings that enrich her life and yours.               

Dear Miss Emily:

I love my six-year-old daughter's best friend, but her father gives me the willies.  Her mother travels during the week and he's the primary care giver.  I am running out of excuses for why my daughter can't play at their house.  How should I handle this situation?
Out of excuses


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Dear Out of excuses:

Take him in your confidence, and tell him that your daughter is going through a “Mommy stage” and that you would prefer to be around when the girls play together.  And let that be it.  This is your daughter, and she is of paramount concern.  If the father of this girl is resentful, so be it!  How would you feel if something were to happen and your instincts had been correct?  If the family invites your daughter on an outing, when the mother is present, you might want to allow it.  Otherwise, hold your ground and risk him thinking you are an overly protective mother who dares to take no prisoners.

Dear Miss Emily:

I am a proud single parent of 2 teens.  My son is now away at college.  
My daughter is this terrific kid who has great grades and super
friends.  My problem is that she is verbally abusive to me, but only to  me.  
She is NOT that way to my ex ( who I left 10 years ago for verbal
abuse) and she is not that way to her relatives or friends.  It hurts me
deeply when she tells me to "Just go away" when I am being nice to her.  She can use foul language, too.  I hold it in, then usually blow up at her a month later and, then, feel guilty.  My fear is that she may do it to her husband and children down the road .
Fed up

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Dear Fed up:

Teenagers can sure be a pain in the butt, can't they?  I think it’s too early to threaten cutting her out of your will, although this could be a last-ditch effort down the road. You say that she was witness to her father verbally abusing you?  That is a shame, but the fact that you, initially, took it (without repercussions), makes a statement about you. She may also see some of herself in you, and that means she is essentially lashing out at herself.  But you cannot rewrite the past, no matter how much you try.  Do not engage her in defensive conversation when she is abusive toward her.  Silence speaks volumes.  In a calmer moment, tell her that abusive behavior will not be rewarded, set down some rules and stick to them.  The biggest fear here, is not that she will be abusive to others, but that she, learning from your past, is the one abused.        

Dear Miss Emily:

My son is 12, and he is starting to hang out with some bad kids at
school. He is always angry with me these days, and doesn't listen anymore. I
am a single mom and I feel out of control. Should I get even tougher
with him or what? Thanks for any help you can provide. I am at the end of
my rope.

Out of Control


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Dear Out of Control:

This period is a difficult time for all concerned.  A twelve year-old, at the beginning of puberty, paints an awkward picture.  He is fussy and demanding no doubt and, I’m sure, you would do anything to put him back into footie pajamas. Although I don’t know what these “bad kids” are doing, to be on the safe side, you must provide a more appealing alternative at home. Single parenting is hard, because you can’t be in two places at once.  But when you are together, listen.  Listening is probably the most important thing you can do for a child.  Do not reprimand or find fault when your son is trying to give you information that he wants you to know, but fears your response.  It’s often said that a parent should not be a friend to his/her child.  However, part of what makes  friends so special, is that they do not judge.  Be open-minded and give reasonable advice and support. If he doesn’t pick up his room, offer to do it together. Be spontaneous – go out for ice cream at an odd hour.  Most of all, be kind.  And let Alec Baldwin’s outburst at his eleven year-old daughter be a lesson to us all.   Finally, know where he is at all times.  Have him check-in with you, and let him know the consequences if he does not.  A great book to help guide you through this rough patch is: Positive Discipline for Single Parents: Nurturing, Cooperation, Respect and Joy In Your Single Parent Family, by Jane Nelson (Amazon.com).  

Dear Miss Emily:

I am a divorced mother of 2 children. A girl 14 and a boy 8.  The Dad is
nowhere in the picture. The girl has started to be mouthy and not tell me where she will be when she goes out.  She comes in late smelling of alcohol and I feel I am unable to keep her safe. She is setting a bad example for her brother
and keeping me on edge. What can I do?  She is a tall, muscular girl and, frankly, I am afraid ofher.  She pushes her brother around when I am not there to supervise them. Since I am at my wits end, I would appreciate any help you can send my way.
Distressed
in California


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Dear Distressed:

I assume you are a single mother who works full time, although that does not set you apart from most families where it takes two incomes to support a household.  A key ingredient to successful parenting is involvement in your children’s lives.  If you are not involved, this may be a reason for your daughter looking for acceptance from friends.  Nagging and disapproval is not the answer.  Fourteen is a difficult age for all concerned.  Remember when you were fourteen?  Sit down with her and say “I need your help in finding ways to be together.”  If she can’t come up with anything, you make suggestions.  A cooking class – movie, yoga class?  If she doubts your sincerity, tell her you think a nonjudgmental activity that the two of you can do would improve your relationship, and see if she’ll get on board.  If she agrees, stick to your commitment.  Her future depends on your being there for her, when it counts the most.  If you fail to follow through, she will have her excuse for seeking careless, and perhaps dangerous activities outside of the home.  If you have already tried this, and you are seriously afraid of her, you need to seek counseling.  Ask the school for some guidance, if you cannot afford private consultation.  Do not leave your son with your daughter.  He should not be the brunt of your daughter’s hostility, and she should not be a built-in babysitter for you.  Find a safe place where he can go when you cannot be there.  Remember, children are an investment – not just in money, but with your time.