This month marks the first anniversary of my column.  I want to thank everyone who has written to me asking for advice.  Now I would like to hear from you. Please answer this question: How am I doing?  Avid readers and former advice seekers, please respond!  In addition, in the next two weeks I will announce a contest that will award the winner $100!!!  Stay tuned.
   

Dear Miss Emily:

I might be pregnant but not sure.  No one seems to be helping too much, but maybe you can.  Anyway, we want to get pregnant.  I think I ovulated last week.  Then I was dry for a few days.  Then I had a lot of mucus this morning –  now gone!  Again, in the same hour. What is happening?
Am I or Am I Not?

-------------------Miss Emily’s advice-----------------

Dear Am I:

Although I’m flattered that you would seek my advice on something that is medical, I can really only give you a lay (non-professional) person’s opinion.  You should get a pregnancy test from the drugstore.  See what results you get.  If it’s negative, it’s possible that you could still be pregnant but, at least, if you are, you’ll pretty much know for sure.  Then, wait to see if you get your period.  If you don't, make an appointment to see a obstetrician/gynecologist and let them know how far along you think you might be.  They will make an appointment for you based on the right time to see the doctor.  If you are pregnant, it it necessary for you to get good prenatal care.  See the doctor on schedule until you deliver. And last, but not least, you must eat well and take a daily prenatal vitamin.  If you need help on a good diet during pregnancy, there is mega-information on the web that will guide you. Good luck!    

        
This month marks the first anniversary of my column.  I want to thank everyone who has written to me asking for advice.  Now I would like to hear from you. Please answer this question: How am I doing?  Avid readers and former advice seekers, please respond!  In addition, in the next two weeks I will announce a contest that will award the winner $100!!!  Stay tuned.
   

Dear Miss Emily:

My mother-in-law refuses to leave me, my husband and sister-in-law
alone. She has called dhs, called our children's schools, and told 
them a bunch of lies. She and my brother-in-law's wife had me and
my sister-in-law arrested, a few days ago. I really need help on 
this one.
Arrested Development

----------------Miss Emily's advice-------------

Dear Arrested:

I don't know why this became a police issue, but am I to assume
it has something to do with perceived child abuse? Neglect? If 
she's as crazy as you let on and her accusations are totally 
unfounded, you have to start building a case for yourself, and 
one against her. Get a paper and pen, and document this woman's 
attacks on you. There is power in numbers. Get others to back you
up, and have them document your multiple problems with this woman.
Keep your cool, and let your anger be transferred into reasonable
action, led by a resolve to stay calm, yet powerful. If you
cannot afford a private attorney, when you see the public defender,
bring your list of past grievances in written form. Once again,
a level head is the key to your success. When this is over,
seek a restraining order.  She has no right to destroy your
life.  Make sure your retaliation is honest in your attempt to
right this wrong.  Any dishonest attempt to avenge her will
strengthen her position.  Good luck. 

Dear Miss Emily:

Hi there, I’m 34 and I’ve had OCD from a young boy.  I got it in the form of repetitive thoughts: I’m gay, I’m a molester, I’m a serial killer, I don’t love my partner, which affects me more than all the others.  I used alcohol to take the pain away whilst on Prozac.  Subsequently, I’m an alcoholic and became dependent on cocaine.  I have since become a proud member of the AA fellowship which works on the 12 step program. It’s been amazing but, where I am now drug and drink free for 8 weeks, I’m getting very wound up.  My mood goes like a yo-yo –  up and down. My anger is terrible and my thoughts are back.  I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m still on the Prozac, but that doesn’t seem to being doing anything. I feel upset and emotional and can’t be bothered to go to work. What would you say?
Wound like a  Yo-Yo

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------


Dear Wound:

Although I am not qualified to give you any medical advice, I can tell you my first impression.  You are extremely hard on yourself.  So much of who we are is a combination of nature and nurture.  Let yourself off the hook on a lot of these underlying  feelings of failure.  Still, each of us should realize that, in most cases, we are on our own and need to do some heavy work if we want to make our lives better.  You have taken the first step.  But it isn’t easy to transition from one feeling or emotion to another unless we give ourselves time.  OCD is tough.  I have a friend who struggles with it everyday.  But I see in her a desire to soldier on and seek answers to problems that, in some ways, so many people face.  I admire her, and I admire your resolve to overcome this difficult, life-altering issue.  If I were you, I’d ask my doctor if it might be wise to seek out another anti-depressant that has a greater effect on you.  Although Prozac is an old, reliable anti-depressant for some, advances in this area are happening on a continual basis.  As you are aware, no anti-depressant works effectively with alcohol and cocaine.  Know that none of us have all the answers to finding happiness in our lives, but your AA experience, being a positive one for you, is a road you can take to getting the help you need, as well as finding some peace of mind in the process.  And please, don’t think that everyone, but you and your AA partners, is leading the perfect life.  It simply isn’t true.  Keep me posted on what’s happening with you.  I care.  I really do!         

Dear Miss Emily:

I am a Christian (not a fake one, either).  I have grown very close to God in the last 5 weeks. I am very new in my faith and am still learning a lot.  I have a stepsister, she is 17, she will be 18 in February. She and I have different opinions on things, such as sex. She does it, I don't, and never have. But the thing is my dad and step mom are also into the Gospel and Church, so they do NOT approve of it. When she first started doing this, she would come to me always scared because she was late on her period, although it worked out that she wasn’t pregnant. Well, I felt like it was a burden on my shoulders because they (sister and her boyfriend) would do all this stuff behind my dad and step mom’s back. My parents will go to bed, and "the boyfriend" would act like he left, but he would really stay, and he and my sister would do all this stuff (they have only been dating about a month).  My sister told me that if my dad were to ask her about it, she wouldn’t lie and she would tell him what was going on. On the way to school, my dad was talking to her in the car telling her that the way they act around each other it looks like they are sleeping together. Then he asked her. She said no! When my sister and I got to school, I asked her why she did that and she just kept mocking me saying "ok, mother," and I told her she was fake to me.  So I  told my dad and her mom what was going on.  Was that wrong of me?  I didn’t talk to them because I wanted to get her in trouble, I did it because I care about her and I don’t want to see her pregnant her last year of school.  The following Sunday, she went up to the altar and "rededicated" her life to God.  Later that night, I heard her on the phone with her boyfriend, through the wall, and she was saying how it was all an act and she is still going to do all she does with him. That is so fake to me. Then, that also made me think that this guy doesn’t really love her because, if he did, he wouldn’t be so concerned about if she did or didn’t "rededicate" her life to God. My stepsister’s mom is wrapped around her finger... literally!  Now I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell my parents what  I heard her say, or talk to my stepsister first.  She only talks to me now when she needs something.  I am just unsure as to what to do next.
Heartsick

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------


Dear Heartsick:

I am not going to chastise you for doing what you did, however, it’s time to back-off now, and let the parents take over.  This is not your fight!  Your commitment to God does not entitle you to police the world.  There is an old saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  I don’t believe you meant any harm, and your motivation seems legit, but you need to realize that you have become too personally involved in this matter.  Your sister will do what she wishes no matter how much you intervene.  She is almost 18 and very close to moving out of the house if she chooses to do so.  Understanding, and not being pious, is the best road to take.  Let her know that you wish the best for her, but you will no longer interfere.  And keep your ear away from the wall!  She knows how a girl gets pregnant, and she’s chosen to disregard that knowledge.  It is a shame but, I repeat, it is not your call to tell her how to live her life, even though you view her religious rededication as hypocritical.  I commend you for your devotion to high standards, but that is a road you have chosen to take.  I know you are concerned but, again, let the adults handle this from now on.  Your interference only complicates matters.  You could, in fact, alienate her and give her a reason to rationalize her risky behavior.  And that, I believe, would be counterproductive to your cause.   

Dear Miss Emily:

Hi, I am a staff reporter for my high school newspaper in Massillon, Ohio. This month our issue is about MySpace and Facebook (effects on people, pros and cons, etc.).  I am writing about the good things that can come from My Space and I wanted to go in depth by finding some story where a person found a lost relative through MySpace, because I think that is a good outcome from My Space. I googled "who found a lost relative" and your page came up, with the "Reaching Out" person.  If there is any way I can contact her?  If you can give me any information, it would be greatly appreciated! Or tell me something else that can be helpful to my paper. Thank you.  Have a great day!
Staff Reporter

----------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------------


Dear Staff Reporter:

I can’t help you as far as reaching this individual, because all of my contacts are confidential.  Not being a member of MySpace, et al, I am not too familiar with its networking.  I do know, however, that just like the entire Internet, advertising, be it product or sex, permeates almost every bit of information we seek. What may be good about MySpace, is that it keeps our species connected.  And although somewhat isolating, meaning that it is done through a computer, it allows us to be creative, and creativity expands the mind.  On the downside, it attracts devious types who prey on unsuspecting, innocent people. I would explore the psychological need for humans to create ways to communicate.  I would also seek the answers to why we reach out to strangers, fully aware that hurt, rejection and a sense of failure is often the result.  Good luck!   

Dear Miss Emily:

I'm 33 years old, and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years –  so far so good. We have a strong relation but it has deteriorated during these last months. I have moved from my country (France), 5 years ago, and I live now in Holland (I'm not very fond of this country) but when I left France, I didn’t have a job, and I sort of escaped from a difficult family. I found a well paying job as a translator, but the trouble is, my contract ends next April 2008. Moving back to France means, for me, welcome back to the world of unemployment. That's why I hesitate. Everything seems normal on the surface, but I now suffer from severe homesickness.  I miss my French culture.  Dutch people are so different, and the culture makes it hard to adapt.  And now I have a troubled love affair, my man is a P C addict, and lives in his own world more and more,  and shuts himself off. We have had numerous arguments due to the fact he refuses to move to France with me, because he can’t leave his beloved friends.  It’s been more than a year, we hardly have any sex, and. I miss more and more my parents whom I'm very close (we are a very modest family).  I have a long history of family troubles.  My godparents have destroyed connections because of inheritance stories( all they want is my grandma's money).  I have lived all my life between 2 sides( my dad got cancer due to this heavy stress) the good, the bad and the ugly.  It's been now 2 years since we have cut communications with my godparents and their daughter.  Quite heavy.  I have dealt with it when I was abroad.  I lost a cousin from MS.  It was so hard, when I came to France on holidays, to see her tombstone.  Now I'm scared to lose my parents when I live so far away.  I really want to start another life in my country, speaking my language, a life I didn’t escape when things were so gloomy.  I’m not scared of going back there anymore, but am I making the right choice? I'm quite a strong person but I’m worried  that I'm ignoring my true feelings for fear of drastic changes. 2008 should be positive.  I  don’t have anyone to talk to as I live in a small village in the middle of nowhere. I'm waiting for your thoughts on this.  Thank you for at least having taken the time for reading  me.
In limbo

-------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------


Dear In limbo:

The place you call home is a place where you feel loved and have a bond with your surroundings. You feel none of this in the Netherlands.  It seems to me that you are at a crossroads in your life and certain circumstances cry out to you, now, to start shifting gears and make new plans for your future.  If the reasons you have given me still have you wondering whether moving back home is the right thing to do, what would it take?  The United States invading Holland?  Kidding aside, the relationship with your boyfriend is stagnate, and he takes you for granted.  I can understand why he might not want to move to France, and leave his friends, but he neglects you and sees nothing wrong with it.  Family dynamics can create some of the most emotional traumas we will ever experience in our lives, but you are 33, now, and you say you are a strong person.  If this is so, learn to embrace the best your family has to offer and try to disregard some of the drama it represents.  You cannot change these people, but you have an affinity for them and want to be an active part of their lives.  This bond is extremely important to you.  If I were you, I would start looking for a job, in France, as soon as possible.  If your contract requires you to stay put until the end of March, do searching over the Internet, or let friends, in France, know that you are available after a certain date.  You’ve gotten yourself into a deep depression, and because of this you can only see  cloudy days with no sunshine in sight.  However, it’s time for you to set sail on a new course.  You are still young.  Don’t be afraid to make the necessary changes.  Once you realize that you are free to be the person you want to be, nothing can hold you back.  Unless of course, that “nothing” is you.  Best of luck, mon amie.

Dear Miss Emily:

I need advice regarding what to write to a relative I found through My Space. I haven't spoken to my niece since my sister lost custody of her back in 1994, and even though I have tried to contact her it has never really worked out.  I knew, because she was 18, she might have a My Space, so I put in her name and where she lived and found her.  I am about 99% sure it's her and in the picture she looks just like my sister.  I want to write her and try to start a relationship with her now that she is older, but I don't know how to start off the email.  It seems so inappropriate to email such things, but I can't find another way.  If I just keep waiting for her mom to put us in contact, then,10 more years could easily pass.  I know she probably remembers me a little from when she visited us, but I don't know if she hates me or would be happy to hear from me. Can you think of the best way to send a message to her?
Reaching Out

--------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------


Dear Reaching:

I’m wondering why your sister is reluctant to tell you how to reach her daughter.  There are a lot a gray areas, no doubt.  If this is really important to you, and your sister’s feelings are not an issue, write to her and tell her you are so-and-so’s sister, and you would like to know if she is interested in exchanging e-mails.  If you are not afraid to do this, give her your phone number and address. Don’t get mushy.  Be direct!  She’ll connect the dots without you having to write: “Auntie, here!”  This way, your niece can feel it’s truly up to her – no guilt attached.  Most children want family in their lives, but if her relationship with her mother is shaky, she may not want to be part of your life.  If this is not the case, and it is your relationship with your sister that is shaky, she may think it a betrayal if she responds. Be prepared, if you do this, that your sister may think you are trying to side-step her, and usurp her role as this girl’s mother.  Complete alienation may be the outcome.  Only you can decide whether it’s worth it.       

Dear Miss Emily:

Last year, I left college after a week. I was scared, not ready and 
immature. I'm now 19, and this year I have started college, again, 
studying accounting. I haven't gone to classes in five weeks, and I'm
feeling very low in myself because of it. Im not sure what exactly to 
do with my life. I feel a lot of my friends have found their passion. 
I feel like I'm letting my parents down again this year if I tell them 
I'm failing and leaving college for the second time. I feel like a failure. 
I don't have any hobbies or anything that I would really like to do. I'm scared 
that I'm going nowhere. I should be doing something with myself, instead of 
wasting every amazing opportunity given to me by my parents. I just can't bare 
to let them down and tell them that I'm leaving college, and I have no idea what 
I'm going to do with my life! Again, I'm confused, and upset with myself fo being a 
let down. I need help and advice on what to do. 
Hanging by a Thread

------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------


Dear Hanging:

It's hard, when asking for advice on an Internet site, to pour
out your heart.  But this is what I wish you had done.  It's
seems that you blame yourself for so much of what you perceive
as failure, that I feel almost certain that there are many other
factors involved.  Do you feel as if you need to excel because
of pressure from your parents?  Are you compared to others --
siblings, perhaps?  If I'm anywhere near getting to the root of
these feelings you have, then blaming yourself for the
"bumps-in-the-road" of life, is useless and well, foolish.  Come 
to think of it, even if I'm not even close, it's still foolish!  
First of all, you can't carry this burden alone.  You need to
go to a college counselor and state your present situation and
drop the classes before you are penalized.  Believe me, they
have heard this before.  You are not an isolated case.  A bigger 
problem would be to force yourself into a course of study or path 
that is against your present nature.  You are aware that this is 
going to come out sooner rather than later, and your real fear 
comes from this being a second round.  I don't know how your parents 
will take this, but if they are loving and caring people, they will 
seek the help you need in finding your way.  Life is competitive, and
thinking that you haven't found your niche, at nineteen, is a
result of, too often, vicious social pressure.  But the
question is:  Who are you?  What makes you smile?  Your lack
of passion in life is probably a result of feeling that you
are expected to perform a certain way, and that very thing has
blocked your view of the world.  I know one thing:  Life isn't
fair.  If it were, no one would go hungry.  But I think you
have opportunities to find out what you want if you are truly
honest with yourself.  It may not be something that will bring
you fame or fortune, but it will be your pursuit of something
that gives you purpose in life.  Female or male, facing this
head on with gut honesty is your only chance of success.  
Self-pity is a table for one.  If this had been a letter from
a forty year-old, I would give the same advice (sans the
parental guidance). Lighten-up, face the music and get the 
help you need NOW. It's a sad thing that some of us don't
acquire wisdom until we have one foot in the grave.  You're
just starting out in life.  I've said this so often, I should
have it tattooed on my chest:  "TAKE THE TIME TO GET IT RIGHT!" 

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