Lost Love
Hello.  I just got divorced after 10 years. It was a bad marriage –  my ex hub would hit me and did drugs. In 2007, I met this great guy and we fall in love. He was so good to me and my two kids.  But I didn’t know how to handle it because I had never been treated the way he treated me. I had a birthday party for him, and his friends and family were there. Well, I got drunk and made a fool of myself and called him a nigger and broke up with him. He was heartbroken. The next day I apologized, but he said he couldn’t do it anymore even though he stilled loved me. After a few weeks, after going to visit him family, he said he wanted nothing to do with me. I went crazy and cut his tires. After a month or so, we then started hanging out as friends (with benefits). I wanted him back but he said his heart is broken and in pieces. He has kids by another women, but he doesn’t want to be with her, or me, because his friends would think he was stupid. Yeah, I screwed up. If I could do it over again, I would. We still get together sometimes and, one day, I found out I was pregnant. I told him in a text message but he never wrote back.  His friend called me, when he was drunk, and basically told me this guy didn’t care if I was dead – that I was trying to get pregnant to keep him  I keep telling myself he needs space, but I don’t know and, now, I'm sure that I truly love him and want him. What do I do?  Help, I’m so brokenhearted.   My friend said, Give him space and when he’s ready to talk he will call me. He loved you and he just can’t turn that off."  But he must be listening to his friends. Thank  you.
Lost It

--------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------

Dear Lost It:

Your letter sounds like a sad movie that, in order to watch it a second time, I’d literally have to have a gun to my head. You were married to a man who hit you and did drugs, but you seem outrageously out of control, as well.  You called this man a nigger, slashed his tires, treated him as if he were dirt, and then dropped the pregnant bomb on him.  Gee, what’s not to like?  I’m sorry to make a joke of this, because I know you are being quite serious in asking for my help.  But when you describe this type of behavior to me, and then think that you can say, “I’m sorry," to him, and "let’s move on,” I’m wondering if you are ever going to be capable of seeing the whole picture.  You have children, and that alone should make you think twice before you act out like a schoolyard bully.  But I see that’s not the case.  So okay, this is the advice I will give to you and hope it will sink in:  Do not drink, because if this is a problem in your life nothing will get better until you stop. Understand that after doing these things to this man, he may never want a relationship with you (If he did, I would question his sanity).  Take a long hard look at yourself and figure out why you would ask someone to love you when you really don’t love yourself.  Self-loathing creates a world of hurt.  You want to be loved, but when someone treats you well, you do everything to destroy that love because you feel unworthy. You have been treated poorly all of your life and you are programed for this.  But if you are not willing to make the changes in your life that would correct the habits that produce outrageous, irresponsible behavior, then there is nothing I can tell you that will make this go away.  I hate to be so brutally honest, but it’s time someone told you the truth.             

Dear Miss Emily:

 I have a neighbor directly next door to me and she has a son the same age as my son (7).  They tend to argue more than get along these days.  I think it is that my son has a younger brother and has had to learn to share, where the neighbor boy doesn't like to share and is very jealous of my son and tries to get others against him for some reason.  His mom doesn't see this so ignores my thoughts.  My son's feeling get hurt and it bothers me that we have to live right next door, so I can't prevent the neighbor boy from being around outdoors  playing with others that my son plays with too.  What do you suggest to help me with this matter
Worried Mom

-----------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------

Dear Worried:

I have always been led to believe that children must work out these problems on their own – that’s learning how to live in the big world, and they had better get used to this aspect of socialization sooner rather than later.  But I’m not so sure about this as a hard and fast rule.  No child should be forced to tolerate bullying and undisciplined behavior.  Now how do you put a stop to this?  I suggest you reinforce to your son that it is important for him to stand up for himself and not allow this boy to take charge. Follow it by explaining to him that this child has no more rights than he, and stress the rules of fair play.  Continue to monitor the interaction between them, and intercede if you see a problem.  Let this boy know that you will not allow him to behave aggressively toward your son.  Do it in a firm but kindly manner, and suggest reasonable solutions. Your son will see that you are intolerant of bad behavior, and he will learn from you.  Keep an open communication with your son concerning his interaction with this boy and give advice as you see fit.  Again, emphasize what is fair rather than defame or lower yourself to this boy's level.  Your children will easily accept your willingness to help them if you present yourself in a rational, nonjudgmental manner.  And finally, if your son’s playtime with this boy becomes too difficult for him, tell him to grab his brother and come home. Reward him for his good judgment in knowing that he need not be a part of activities that turn into a chapter of Lord of the Flies (boys behaving badly!).  If your neighbor doesn’t like your apprach, too bad. Your children come first.              

Dear Miss Emily:

My husband and I were separated, and he was seeing another women. I started to see this guy that he found me sleeping with, and we had a fight about it.  During that time, I have been asking my husband for money and not this other guy.  We decided to get back together and, now, we keep fighting about this.  How can we move on, and how can my husband forget about this?  I have forgiven him about his affairs. He  keeps calling this girl and going to her place. She has been mean to me.  I love my husband and I want to have a healthy relationship with him.  What should I do?
Sleeping With the Enemy

---------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Sleeping:

Money is power, and when women don’t have it, they often surrender themselves to the men in their lives who do. Your husband is able to apply a double-standard when it comes to his women, because he knows that he has this power. In his thinking, you are to accept these terms and shut-up about it until HE changes his mind on the subject.  How can you alter this dynamic?  Not easily, unless you are willing to make your own money and increase your power within this relationship.  Not all men are as lousy as your husband concerning these issues, but that’s little comfort when it’s happening to you.  In the short-run, you can put your foot down and tell him that you insist he stop seeing this woman, make a commitment to improving your marriage, or you will make other arrangements -- and mean it!   You separated before but, if you do it again, make sure you have the funds to free yourself of this man, financially, until a divorce settlement is reached.  This of course, depends on how long you have been married.  You could end up with nothing!  However, don’t let him control your life, unless you feel totally helpless when it comes to changing your situation for the better.  That would be unfortunate, but not uncommon.  Remember, if you allow this man to treat you like a doormat, be prepared to have him wipe his feet on you.