Dear Miss Emily:

I am trying to meet up with this women. She has a
boyfriend, and I am married. How do I win her over?
Married but single

----------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------

Dear Married:

I like to think of myself as open minded, but this is not 
a question that can be approached without some trepidation.
If you want to cheat on your wife, that's your business, but
know that when you do this (unless this is not the first time)
it opens up a web of deceit that often backfires.  This person 
that you are after, may be perfectly happy with her boyfriend
and has no intention of stroking your ego, nor setting herself
up to be the other woman. Most people know when someone else
is interested in them unless, of course, they natually assume
this is the case because, "Gee, isn't everyone in love with me?"
This might be a good time to take a hard look at your marriage.
Not everyone is cut out for it.  If you decide it's worth 
pursuing a double life, never blame anyone, but yourself, if
it fails to meet your expectations. That said, ask her out
to lunch.  If she politely declines, you must settle for not
having "won her over."  

Dear Miss Emily:

I have joint custody of my daughter.  She wants to live, full time, with her father, because he has no rules, and I do.  She contacts me as little as possible and only when she needs something.  She is mean to me and her sisters, and I blame a lot on her father.  She has a boyfriend who goes to a different school than she.  Now she wants to change schools (she is in her junior year), and I am against it.  The school she attends is excellent, and the one she wishes to attend is academically one of the lowest scoring in the U S.  In order for her to do this, she must use my address. Her father is on her side, but I think this is a horrible decision.  There is much more to this story, but I need advice on this particular situation.
At Wits End 

-------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------


Dear At Wits End:

One of the uglier sins of bad parenting is ignoring the wishes of the other parent in order to look like, in this case, “the good guy.”  What a horrible message this sends to the child. If this is truly the case, you cannot betray your principles and agree to this new demand. However, ask these questions:  Can your daughter legally use your address, because there is a court order regarding joint custody?  And if she can use your address, are you willing to go to great lengths to challenge this based on her, now, full-time residency with your ex-husband?  Can he threaten to go after child support as a bargaining chip?  These are legal questions only an attorney can answer.  If this is not the case, I repeat, stand your ground, but do it without being defensive. I think, in time, she’ll realize that you did what you thought was right and not hold you emotionally hostage for the rest of your life. For now, you’ll just have to refuse to listen to her verbal abuse. Never regret rational discipline in raising your children.  To set no boundaries for rules and behavior in childhood puts a selfish, petulant person into the real world making it difficult for them to adjust to the standard rules and norms of society --  not to mention the failed relationships that result from not always getting their way.  I have mentioned this before, in my column, but here is a good book to get.  Positive Discipline for Single Parents: Nurturing Cooperation, Respect and Joy in Your Single Parent Family, by Jane Nelson (Amazon).   
 

Dear Miss Emily:

How can I make my fiance happy again? Too many people
close to him have passed away this year, and he is too
depressed. How do I change that?
Need Direction

----------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------


Dear Need Direction:

You don't mention the age of your fiance, and it is difficult
to understand why people close to him are passing away. In a
general sense, losing anyone we care about is emotionally 
draining.  We go through several phases of dealing with it,
and depression is one of those phases.  We question life as
we know it, our own mortality and purpose in this world. These
are all natural feelings and, in time, if we progress normally,
learn that it is something we cannot control and adjust to this fact.
If he is not moving on in a reasonable fashion, he should 
seek help with a therapist to figure out why he remains 
troubled.  However, many people will not seek help or take
medication to get them over the hump.  If this is true for your
man, patience and understanding is required.  If he does not
improve, in time, I would hold off marriage until you can be
sure that there are not deeper emotional issues at stake.  Life
can be exceedingly hard, but we are here, for better or worse,
and when things are good, it is important to revel in the
moment.  Try to make him see this with the plans you have for
a successful marriage. Focus on developing an intimacy that
allows each of you to share your feelings without fear of
reprisal.  Building a lasting trust will insure future
happiness.  Hopefully, your fiance is up for the joy that this
type of relationship can bring.  If you sense he is not, well,
you know what I am trying to say.  I need not elaborate. 


 

 

Dear Miss Emily:

A guy at my work had a crush on me for a couple of months. We
talked and hung out. I chilled with him and his friends. He 
told me he liked me, a lot, and that we would chill a lot more 
and that he didn't just like me for physical reasons, but also
emotional.  Anyway, he quit out of nowhere, and now he doesn't
call me.  It has been two weeks. I called him to say Happy 
Birthday, and I felt awkard.  What happend to us?  Is he just 
not interested?  I thought he liked me a lot, even more than 
a friend.
Baffled

-----------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------


Dear Baffled:

How would you ever really know why he no longer seems interested
in you, unless you were to ask him?  But if he dropped you,
so carelessly, he probably wouldn't tell you the truth if you
did. You say he had a crush on you when this thing first started,
so perhaps his epectations were too high and somehow you 
disappointed him when he got to know you.  This isn't to say 
that you failed, but that he ended up changing his mind.  
Think of all the other possibilies it could be: He's in the closet 
and used you to appear straight and simply decided to move on 
to another victim. He met someone else.  He's psycho. He's 
egocentric. But if this is a pattern in your life, try to 
take a hard look at yourself. Do you give too much, too soon?
Do you bathe often enough and have good oral hygiene? You get
the idea.  But first, and foremost, don't set yourself up to 
look needy. I've said this, ad nauseum, keep your head held 
high, and be your own best friend. TO ALL WHO READ THIS:
No one should put themselves beneath anyone -- unless that 
person cured cancer. Self confidence is a winning feature in 
one's personality. Exude this, and you'll start to choose and
attract pedigrees, rather than mutts!

Dear Miss Emily:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. I
recently just had a baby, and I can honestly say I have let 
myself go a little. Well, the qustion is, I was looking through
my boyfriend's cell phone and saw that he had met up with an 
old "friend" and later had text her saying she looked "Hot" 
that day. Now is this appropriate for my boy to say? He says 
he was just giving an innocent compliment, but I got    
really pissed off at him! Am I just overreacting? Please help!
Unsure

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------


Dear Unsure:

First of all, it's normal to feel insercure about how you look.  You just had a baby, which is a big undertaking.  This man of yours, if he's a decent person, should realize that motherhood is a new and daunting experience and put you and your baby's needs above all else.  Fatherhood is a full time job, too,  if  he chooses to be a willing, active participant  in  raising  the child  you  made  together.  But this takes a  mature man,  who  is  committed to  having a solid relationship with you and a  dedication to being a family.  I'm not sure why you're not  married to him.  Is it because you know that he is unreliable?  You don't think being married is important? He doesn't want to get married?  I'm not passing judgment (I'm not that bitch, Dr, Laura), I just think that if he isn't commitment  material, then his texting an old friend to tell her that she looked hot, would be typical of the type of man who isn't going to stop having fun with the ladies just because he has a child with a woman.  Here's an idea:  Concertrate on the baby, work at getting yourself back to the old you, and if your boyfriend seems not to notice or care, consider making other plans.  A sad thing to think about, now, when you have so much on your plate.  But you should not have to suffer trying to make it work with a man you do not trust, and does not love you enough to stop coming on to other women. You have a child with him, it doesn't mean that you need to spend your life doubting yourself and accepting the role of second-class-citizen.  I may be overreacting, but I get angry, too, when I see a man who might be making a fool out his girlfriend who also happens to be the mother of his child.           

Dear Miss Emily:

My husband and I got engaged some 12 years ago, and we're
still married.  One thing has been bothering me to
this day.  When he asked me to marry him (we had been dating
for almost a year and living with each other on and off),
he did not present me with an engagment ring.  This was the
second marriage for both of us, and we were no youngsters
(I was 42 and he 50). He was making very, very good money
at the time.  I guess I should say that I told him I
loved him but wanted to wait a while. He had been engaged a
year earlier and found her in bed with another man, a couple of
months before the wedding.  I had gone through 8 in-virtro
fertilizations with my first husband. I knew I could not give
him children. He said he was okay with it, although I knew how
much family meant to him. About a year later, I asked him to
marry me and we started to plan the wedding.  Friends and family
asked me where the ring was, and I began to think about it
as it really had not hit me before.  One evening, a friend of
mine asked him in front of me and, I guess to protect him,
I responded that I did not really need or want a ring as I
had so much jewelry and I did not wear any of it anymore.  
Until the day we got married, I did wonder if he was going to
give me a diamond.  But no!  When I asked him about it some
time after we were married, he said "I asked you if you wanted
one" and repeated my remarks about not wanting one, as I
had too much jewelry.  I told him a woman does not want to be
asked if she wants an engagement ring. It is the man that
should want to give her one. He has never felt the least bit
guilty or bad about this and has never apologized or anything.
I have told him it is not just me but that this is the custom
in the U S and a sign that a man loves and wants a commitment
with a woman.  Do you think he was doing it as a way to hurt
me because I had told him I wanted to wait? He also used to
point it out to me when a woman at a resturant or somewhere had
a huge rock on her finger. Until recently, it never bothered
me but then I started to think maybe he is trying to backhandedly
say "Wow, her husband must really love her, look at the ring
he gave her!"  He did give his first wife an engagement ring
that had been his mother's, and when he got divorced, his
ex gave it back and he had it made into a pin or something
for one of his sisters. My husband is a very perceptive man,
as he sees lots of things other people let go by and will
admit he is very manipulative.  What do you think the story
is here?  He refuses to talk about it.  And when he won't talk
about something...well that is the way it is.   
Still wondering after all this time.


----------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------


Dear Still Wondering:

The fact that you feel slighted about not getting a ring,
after all of these years, is a sad statement. Men take things
literally, so if you verbally let him off the hook for not
getting you a ring, he took it as fact.  Women get mad when
men can't read their minds (this can also be true for men)
meaning, "I know I said that, but I meant the opposite."
This is a hearty endorsement for speaking honestly from the
get-go. Your husband was fifty at the time, and perhaps he had
lost sight of protocol or, one engagement failed and he sub-
consciously didn't want another ring returned to him. I don't think
he was trying to punish you because you wanted to wait before
getting married, however, he might have felt somewhat hurt and
the idea of getting a ring had lost its luster. Nor do I think,
what you are obviously thinking, that because you could not
give him a child, he would not give you something that you
wanted. He doesn't like you bringing it up because false
pride will not let him face the fact that maybe he failed to
do the right thing. His remarks, about other women's rings,
are insensitive, and that may very well be a problem with
this man.  He is in his early sixties, now, and not likely to
change.  If I were you, I'd find a nice ring to complement
your wedding ring, buy it, and wear it with pride.
And if anyone asks where you got it,I would say, "I bought it
for me!  There was an empty space and it needed to be filled."
What could your husband possibly do or say to that?  If he
brings it up, tell him you'd rather not talk about it. This
puts you in the dirver's seat, which is where you desperately
want to be concerning this matter.
 

 

Dear Miss Emily:

 I am trying to understand what happened, but I don't.  This is the story.  A man where I work started smiling at me.  He tried talking to me once, but I could tell he was really shy.  Then I started noticing about  5 other women (married women) flirting with him. These same women would end up going out with him.  I didn't understand because he acted like he  still liked me.  I ended up finding out that he was sleeping with most of the women that worked on my floor and, also, the floor above. Even his supervisor!  Unfortunately, that didn't stop me from liking him, nor him liking me, but the ladies seemed to sabotage our getting together.  They felt I was a threat to this one man that they were sharing.  He has 2 little girls, and I guess he went along with it because he needs the job.  Yet, after that, even women who would come in as temps, he ended up flirting with and bedding them too.  I decided at that point that he didn't really like me, but wanted something physical, and I wanted more. Still, I liked him.  A new guy
came into the picture who is a temp, and we got friendly.  Not long after, he confessed that he’s gay.  I was okay with that. It was a shame because I would have liked something more.  Now the twist!  The new guy temp is having a fling with the guy I originally liked.  I caught them in an intimate moment. I was upset because I didn’t know the original guy was bisexual. Now I think he has tried to keep my friends away from me, and the temp no longer speaks to me.  I am hurt.  For the last two days I’m been trying to figure out why I attract users and abusers.  That’s not what I want in my life. I want better.  I feel like I need to quit this job.  I’ve never been so distraught.  Please help!   
 Ready to Quit

------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------

Dear Ready:

I must admit, I’m a bit stunned by this letter.  Is it for real?  Is the working world really like this, and I’m out of the loop?  One man, sleeping with all of the married women in the office and a male temp, as well?  This guy’s not an employee, he’s running his own stud service!  If I were you, I wouldn’t want to sleep with him, but I would make myself available to be his agent if he ever decides to make a string of porno films.  But seriously, it’s hard for me to believe that all of this is truly going on, or if office gossip has reached a new level of insanity. If even some of it is true, it sounds like it’s a terribly unhealthy environment to work in.  Look at how you view this whole situation:  Everyone is sleeping with the guy, but you.  A new guy comes on board, and even he is sleeping with this guy.  You have to take a look at why you are feeling so rejected in this  “theater of the absurd” and if, somehow, you are fostering this unfortunate situation.  If you say you attract users and abusers, it’s because you must feel, deep down, pretty lousy about yourself.  Otherwise, this office drama would be amusing rather than the focus of your life.  Try to break away from these feelings of failure and take a good hard look at your life and where you are headed.  The world is a hard place to live when you feel powerless. Next week, walk in to work with a new attitude. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.   

Dear Miss Emily:

 I am engaged to "The Love of My Life."  At first, he was not a good guy. All my family friends, and loved ones pleaded with me to give him up. But I just couldn't.  He had a soft and vulnerable side only I could see.  Years later, we finally established a healthy and loving relationship. Every one we know and value call us a perfect match. He has changed greatly. He cares and supports me in every way you can think of.  I am truly blessed.  But deep down in my heart, I hold a terrible  secret! I've developed feelings for his best friend, from pre-school.  They are like brothers. At first, it all started with mild flirtation and joking.  He would always say to my B/F that he was a lucky guy to have someone who loves him so much. We hung out as a group, almost daily.
 In time, I stared to develop feelings for this friend – a crush you can say. I decided to ignore what I felt, but I would secretly look forward to his visits. I knew it was wrong. How could I even betray my B/F like that? I tried to stop hanging out with my B/F and his friend so I can avoid these "feelings.”  I mean, isn't that what you are supposed to do? One night, suddenly "it" happened. After bailing out a couple of times, my B/F started to yearn for my company.  He said it wasn't the same without me there to join in on all the fun.  I, then, began to go out with them a little at a time.  One night, while my B/F was being the life of the party at a local bar, his friend and I were enjoying each other’s company. We flirted a bit, but it  seemed different. We were way too trusting of each other's thoughts. He hinted that he had a crush on me, as well.  Later that night,  I walked him to his car and we talked about what was said about our "crushes.”  We decided that it was foolish and stupid, but we both leaned in for a kiss.  It felt great, like a enormous release of pressure waiting to be set free. I didn't want it to stop. Alcohol was involved, and I wrote that night off as a huge mistake. The next day he  texted me about what had happened. We apologized, but that was not the end of it.  Now, we continue to talk and sometimes see each other.  I can honestly say we have not been, and will not be, intimate!  I'm not looking for that.  In fact,  I'm not sure what I'm doing!  We know that this is not going anywhere.  In the past, I believe my B/F had some infidelity, and some flirtations, as well. I've caught a couple of texts on his phone that could be conceived in negative or honest ways. Jealousy, on my part, has occured after seeing his friend attract other girls. But hello,  I'm the one who's engaged!. I
shouldn't even think like that.  His friend and I agree that it is wrong for us to speak with each other. He has admitted to me that he finds me attractive
and has had "private" thoughts about me. We have agreed not to cross the line and sleep together, even though we have had opportunities. It’s wrong, yes, but at the same time, it feels so right. My B/F trusts and loves me and his friend so much. My world would end if he found out, but I don't know how to end this, if I even want to. I'm so lost and ashamed.  Please feel free to advise me in ANY way. It might hurt, but I need some outside advice.
Torn
                                            
---------------------------Miss Emily’advice-----------------------------------


Dear Torn:

In a perfect world, none of this would happen.  But sad to say, we are all too human and emotions (hormones) often overrule, making our lives more complicated and, sometimes, even ruin them.  I do know one thing, for all of your endless compliments about your boyfriend he, obviously, isn’t enough, so don’t think marriage will solve this problem.  You mentioned that in the past you think he has had his own flirtations and infidelities.  Okay, your point? Are you using this to rationalize your behavior? You are in the worst possible position.  Cheating, and that’s really what you are doing, is dangerous enough when doing it with someone only you know, but your fiance’s best friend?  It’s deadly. Like it or not, you’ve fallen hard for this guy and only you can weigh the options.  I will spell them out for you, because it’s better to see it in print.  Continue on like this and, in time, your B/F is going to catch on.  How will you feel when he does?  Relieved?  Knowing that you have placed the ball in his court?   I doubt he would take it well and, I think, he would show you the door. Who knows what would happen to his “best friend.”  The friendship would be damaged.  Trust? Shot-to-hell.  But you would be free to proceed with this man, leaving your ex to try to make sense of it. Hopefully, he would  adjust to the fact that, although it sucks, these things happen.  Or – cut this thing off before it goes where you say it won’t, but you know it will.  I can see it now, afterward, you two talking over a Starbucks, about how wrong it was and vowing to never let it happen, again. But, of course, it would.  If you do take the option of cooling it, this will give you an opportunity to truly see whether your fiancé is the man you think he is and want to marry.  Start living in the real world and listen to the voice of reason.  That way, if you are really right for each other, you will realize it without having to risk everything.  Remember, fidelity is a state of mind, it is not a law.  No one is going to throw you in jail over this mess you're in.  But if you don’t do it the right way, you could end up creating your own  solitary
confinement.
                   

Dear Miss Emily:

Oh my god, this is the 1st time I have ever done this. I really
need your advice, Emily. I am a 21 yr old Indian girl. The thing 
is, I have never been in a relationship at ALL and it hurts so 
bad not to have the experience of being loved by someone.
Being an Indian, the thing is people expect the girl 2 get married 
by the time she reaches 25 and, since I am 21, I would love to find 
my Mr. Right and get married, rather than have an arranged marriage
(this is done by the parents picking the guy who they think is best 
for their daughter), but I don't know how to find him. My parents 
are very protective. They dont let me go out, often, and people
consider a girl to be a whore if she hangs out of the house. She 
will be viewed by the Indian community as a girl with loose morals.
You have to help me out ....I mean, I feel so suffocated living 
with my parents, and I so badly want to break free from them and find 
my Mr. Right.
Lonely Girl 

--------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------

Dear Lonely:

You do not say where you live. I am going to assume that you are
in the states, because if you live in India, the abuse
you would receive would not only be from family and a small
community, but from the entire population! If this is the case, I
can't advise you. To adhere to a cultural identity in the United 
States, is a difficult one; especially when you are a young 
person.  Parents have an established identity with their culture, 
yet to force this on their children is unreasonable. They, of course, 
do not see it that way.  However, you see your life going in two 
possible directions. One is to be guided and controlled by forces 
against your will --not a typical American life for a woman in the 
21st century. The other is to break free of the cultural restraints 
put upon you. You risk, by doing this, cutting ties with your family 
and forging a new life for yourself. This kind of freedom comes at a 
price.  Being 21, and not having experienced real love is not that 
uncommon.  I wouldn't see this as missing out, as much as the fact 
that you may never have a choice in this matter. Find interests that 
get you out of the house -- interests that would be approved by your 
parents.  Could college be the answer -- getting a master's degree? 
Move in personal directions that take you closer to making some very 
tough decisions.  Family is extremely important, but I will quote a 
friend of mine who once said, "My friends are my family!"  Life is so 
very short. It would be a shame to have to live it for anyone  else, 
but yourself. Good luck in you quest away from feeling helpless to 
finding your inner strength. If it's any consolation, you are
not alone. It just feels that way.    

Dear Miss Emily:

I have worked for my boss for 7 years and have always been loyal 
and devoted to her. I am also currently her senior employee. Over 
the past 2 years, she has changed her attitude towards me. She
has become almost bitter. At first, I thought she was going
through menopause and, then, I thought she might be having financial 
problems. I confronted her not too long ago about our issues 
and we got into a huge argument; basically blaming each other for 
the "attitude" that each of us was being given. I had requested 
a day off of work to deal with some personal isuues with my son 
a few months ago, and was given a very hard time about taking the
day off. I felt that since she had let my other co-workers off 
to see a concert, bring their dog to get x-rays, and go to Great 
Adventure, I wouldn't have a problem taking off for my son. I had 
also given her 2 weeks notice prior to the day I needed off.
She gave me an attitude about it for weeks afterward. Now, I 
am asking to take off Halloween (a month in advance), in place of
my birthday (having your birthday off is one of the perks and she had
told us we could substitute another day if we wanted). Halloween is 
my biggest holiday of the year, and I have finally moved into a house 
that I can decorate for the children that will be visiting
us. It is also a big holiday for my son who is only 3. I usually work
until 7 pm on the particular day I need off, and it takes me an hour 
to get home; which is too late to do anything with my family. 
My boss is giving me the hardest time about taking the day off.
My question to you is, how do I go about this? I'm taking the day 
off whether she allows me to or not, but do I just call in sick, or do I 
confront her about it again, and mention all the times she has let my 
co-workers off? I had filled in a request form and had placed it on her 
desk, last week. As soon as she looked at it, the attitude came out. 
She questioned me as to why I wanted the day off -- telling me it wasn't 
a good day, because I work the late shift, etc. She even mumbled some things 
under her breath. After not giving me a yes or no answer, she proceeded to 
approach my one co-worker, and very good friend, telling her how unhappy she 
was with my request to take off. My friend, who also works the late shift 
with me, told my boss that she was ok with it. And just to let you know, 
it would only be a 1 1/2 she would be working alone. My boss proceeded to 
tell my friend "Well, it's not ok with me!" and walked away.
I'm just not sure how to approach this situation. I know there are
larger underlying issues going on, but I just want to deal with Halloween
for right now, for my sons sake.
Caught between a rock and a hard place


--------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------

Dear Caught:

Bosses are like family.  You don't pick them but, somehow,
you're expected to get along with them. Sometimes it's an
impossible task.  You had it out with your boss, and she
claims it's an attitude problem that you have.  You see it 
differently. If I am to believe you, you have pretty much
been the ideal employee, and she's become an insufferable bitch.
She can't be pleased, she has an ax to grind with you, and
nothing you do can change that.  Sure, she may have problems at
home. She might be jealous of your life -- a new home, probably
a good marriage, and a cute 3 year-old to boot. You could be right
about menopause.  My mother could have started World War III when
she went through it. Who knows the source of it, but that doesn't 
excuse her behavior, she just gets away with it because she can. 
I wouldn't play into another fight with her.  It will reinforce her 
negativity toward you. You say you are going to take the day off no 
matter what? Okay. But kindly remind her that you are set on taking it, 
and don't be pious about it. If she still objects, you've given her 
ample warning as to your intentions. Say no more about it. Document 
the times you have requested this day off for your records.  I'm thinking 
the worst case scenario -- could you get fired over this? Is it possible? 
I don't know how important this job is to you, but you have to be willing 
to take the consequences for holding fast to your decision. Would it 
be the worst thing that could happen to you? Only you can answer that. 
Again, the little you play into her rants, the better off you'll be.  
Consider the source, and maintain your dignity. A good boss approaches 
people with respect, not contempt. Kill her with kindness and revel in
fact you have chosen to take the high road. By the way, have a wonderful 
Halloween with your family. I wish I could be there!