Dear Miss Emily:

I have been dating "Dave" for 8 years. I am a 49 year old mother of 2. I was married once, and so was he. We have both had other relationships, and he has 3 grown children. He is 20 years older than I am. Here is my problem. He wants to retire and move back, from California, to the Midwest to retire in his hometown. I have 2 grown children, nearby, in college, and have a decent job. He wants me to move back to his hometown with him, but no marriage commitment. I own my own home out here, 2 hours from my children. I have wanted him to want to marry me for years. I guess I figure he is damn lucky to have me, as I am so much younger and  have my act together. I finally gave him an ultimatum, and he said, "Fine, see ya!" I am so sad, because I still love him. Should I try to move back with him, rent out my house and have him get some life insurance for my security and forget the marriage issue? I am not religious. It has to do with the security thing and the feeling that marriage is an act of love. What should I do?
At a crossroads

-------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------


Dear Crossroads:

You may have your act together, but not when it comes to this man! Marriage is less of an issue than what you will be leaving behind. Why would you be willing to give up everything to be with a man who is not the least bit concerned about the sacrifices you'd be making, let alone his "write me when you have a moment" attitude? Walk away. Keep your home, your job and your relationship with your children. That’s your security. After he moves, plan to visit him. I think you’ll see that a life insurance policy on a man twenty years your senior doesn’t look quite so appealing. 

Dear Miss Emily:

I just can't seem to get anywhere on time. My son is getting older and I am afraid that I am going to become that mom that gets talked about in the teacher's lounge that can't get her kids to school before the bell! Any suggestions for getting out of the door on time?
Always Late

-------------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------------

Dear Late:

If getting out of the door on time in the morning is the only problem, prepare for the morning the night before – pack lunch, lay out clothes – anything that does not require morning preparation. Five extra minutes can save you the embarrassment of looking like the mother who left her brain in the deep freeze. If the drive to school is long enough, pick a nutritious breakfast, for your son, that can be eaten on the way to school. If you are habitually late in other areas, it may be a sign of feeling powerless or, dysfunction relating to your childhood. Over time, the responsibilities of adulthood and parenting should override your habit of being late. The older we get, the less that behavior is tolerated by others.

Dear Miss Emily:

I am dating a wonderful girl, but the problem is that she is my best friend's ex. He does not know that I have been seeing her for a month, now, and it is going great with her. Should I tell him or just see if he finds out? I would hate to loose him as a friend, but she is amazing. Please help. THANK YOU!
New Girlfriend Problem

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------


Dear G P:

I would bet the farm on you knowing what my answer will be, but let's pretend you don't.  If your friend is going to be angry about your dating his ex,  it will happen whenever he finds out. However, finding out from some other source, rather than you, adds salt to any perceived wound. Trust is the purest element in any relationship. Sit him down, and tell him the truth. You don’t need to go into the details of how it happened; nor should you be defensive. If he goes ballistic, that says something about him – it’s a pride issue, and he’ll just have to get over it, or make the decision to let your friendship fall away. Since you weren’t seeing her behind his back while they were together (I assume), let the guilt issue cease like the last frame of The Sopranos. Honesty is a character builder, and extremely liberating. Tell him today!

Dear Miss Emily:

I have had a relationship with a man for 11 years, who helped me raise my two children. I also helped him raise his one child. He supported us mostly in financial ways, which I am grateful. We never married, and I had to move back to my hometown, with my 17 year old daughter, because my mom had cancer.  "Ben" is an alcoholic, and I am a co-dependent who also has OCD -- so we have been quite dependent on each other over the years. Here is my question: I don't know if I should stay in this relationship, because he does not seem to cherish me.  He is not interested in marriage, life insurance, a mortgage or health insurance with me.  I am open to various ideas for security. I have invested 11 of my "cute" years. The other night we were out with his best friend and his ex-wife, who are still dating. We all decided to compliment each other. When it was his turn, he would not compliment me to tell me how much he loves me in front of them.  He said it was to "help them."  When I brought it up later, he said he would only compliment me in front of them, if I were not there.  I said, "How does this help them?"  He told me to not call him back for a few days, and he was furious.  Am I stupid to stay with this guy?
Girl in the Wings

--------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------


Dear Girl:
Are you stupid to stay with him?  Yes!  But OCD people seem to thrive on rituals, and alcoholics seem to accept the status quo, as long as no one makes a move. But wait, you did move! It may have been for your mother, however, in truth, wasn’t it an excuse to leave this sorry relationship, as well? This man knows he can’t give you the things that you want. You go through silly game playing, but when the chips are down, nothing changes. If you want someone to cherish you, you have to cherish yourself, first. It’s an old psychological adage, profoundly true, and too infrequently realized. Who cares what the latest issue is? The relationship is over, but you won’t let it go.  Until you are ready to do so, keep yourself busy with your own goals. Hopefully, you’ll learn to get what you want, rather than putting up with the things that feed your insecurities.

Dear Miss Emily:

Although I never had a close relationship with my parents (I am an only child), they are now in a home for the elderly, and they depend on me to visit regularly.  How do I move beyond the resentment I had in the past for them, and give with an open heart?
Uneasy

------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------


Dear Uneasy:

Life's cycle seems to put children in a parenting role, once their parents reach
old age.  Be to them, the parent you thought they should have been to you.  Most people mellow with age, and you will find that all can be forgiven once you develop a new, kinder attitude toward them.  Unless you were horribly  abused as a child, forget their less than stellar childrearing methods and learn to appreciate them on a new level.  Ask them to tell you stories about their youth -- World Wars -- the Depression.  Make them feel as if their experiences were special, and listen as if it were the first time you had heard the story, no matter how often they repeat them. This should pay off in spades. They will appreciate your efforts, and you will be rewarded.  And remember, no matter what happened before, it will never be as important as making peace with them ...and with yourself.

Dear Miss Emily:

My husband and I have lived separate lives for much of our 26 year marriage.  We have a disabled son, and, willingly, stay together for him.  My problem is this:  How do I explain to people that this is our circumstance?  We have just moved in to a new community, and when invitations come up that include both of us, how do I tell the host or hostess that we do not ordinarily socialize together?  Party functions are fine, on an occasional basis, but as a couple going out with another twosome, that situation is out of the question. Is there a polite way to get the message across?
Married but Single

---------------------------Miss Emily's reply-----------------------


Dear Married but Single:

You would be surprised to know that this is an all-too-common arrangement in marriages. Of course, there are couples like this who do socialize, together, but in their heart-of-hearts, would rather be home in bed with the flu.  I suggest you quietly let a new acquaintance  know the nature of your relationship.  Word travels fast.  If you attend a function without your husband, and someone asks where he is, tell them that you and your spouse don't "hang out" together.  That should get the message across.  If the person is tactless enough to say  something  like: "That's too bad, I'd like to get to know him,"  offer to give  out  you husband's  cell  phone  number.   No further  conversation  on this  matter  is  required.
 

Dear Miss Emily:

I have been friends with a couple for several years.  Recently, I have moved to their town and see them frequently.  Although I am sure they love each other, they have no problem arguing in front of me, and it's beginning to make me feel horribly uncomfortable.  I know they think of me as family, but I'm wondering if this is less of an honor and more of a detriment.  Is it my problem for sticking around during these flareups, or are they being rude by involving me in their arguments?
Tired of the fighting

----------------------Miss Emily's response--------------------

Dear Tired:

There is no excuse for their arguing in front of you, and it is an absolute no-no to include you.   Unless you are a  fixture in their home,  etiquette dictates that they  save their fighting until you are safely  strapped in to your car seatbelt, and headed home.  A little behavior modification may be in order.  The next time they fight while you are visiting -- leave when they are too entrenched in the battle to notice you're gone.  When they finally discover you are MIA, and call to find out what happened to you, tell them that their fighting is taking a toll on you.  It's their business if they want to indulge in this negative and often futile form of communication, but it is your right to maintain your sanity. 

Dear Miss Emily:

I have an odd question.  I want my fiance to take better
care of his teeth, but I don't know how to ask him without 
hurting his feelings. It's not like he is disgusting or 
anything, but I am very concerned with oral health, and I 
don't think he does a very good job.  I know that sooner or
later it will catch up with him.  How do I bring this up 
without offending him?
Stickler for Good Oral Hygiene

------------------Miss Emily's response---------------

 

Dear Stickler:

You are absolutely correct!  Good oral hygiene is essential -- not only for cosmetic reasons, but for what most likely will occur down the road.  Gum disease and bone loss, in later years, can cost thousands of dollars in reconstructive surgery, not to mention the pain and inconvenience.  Flossing daily, and a cleaning twice a year is the sensible way to prevent this.  I believe you have to appeal to him in this way:  Download pictures (and there are plenty) of what gum disease, and possible implant or bridge work entails.  As well, poor dental hygiene usually results in bad breath, and if you are going to marry this man, not addressing it, now, may result in his loss of your affection.  Any man with a healthy libido might listen on this score.  For his own good, as well as yours, you must tell him. How he reacts, presently, will be a good indication of how he will react to constructive criticism in the future. Good luck! 

Dear Miss Emily:

My sister is getting married and I am giving a shower.  There
are women on the wedding list who live across the country who
are friends/relatives from the grooms side of the 
family.  Is it appropriate to send an invitation to the shower?
Stumped

--------------------------------Emily's advice-----------------------------

Dear Stumped:

I would not send a wedding shower invitation to those who live across the country and are not able to attend. The only exception would be one where your sister was especially close to a certain individual.  It  bespeaks "Send a gift, even though I know you will not be here to join in the celebration."   A  wedding invitation, however, is perfectly acceptable.

Dear Miss Emily:

My husband has coached boys in sports for many years.
I was ok with the weekends away for tournaments and the late 
night for away games.  I would always just say he's playing
with the boys ( we have only daughters). Last year, he 
switched to girls and with that came 2 young women assistant
coaches.  I wasn't happy.  Even though I don't think anything 
inappropriate is happening I can't get comfortable with
this situation.  It has led to fights and me being depressed.
His position is I should get over it and not ask him to give
up something he enjoys.  I should mention that he did have 
an affair, years ago, and at least 2 flirtations that caused 
problems.  The sports season will be starting soon and I
need help.  Should I put on my big girl panties and deal with
this, or draw a line?
Fed Up


-------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------

Dear Fed Up:

The fact that your husband has been unfaithful, in the past,
is a big concern, to me, as well as you. But you cannot insist 
he stop coaching.  It will make you look weak, and weakness is 
unappealing in a relationship.  Nothing will keep this "jock"
from straying, if he is inclined to do so. But please, don't
give him an excuse.  Hold your head high, and tell him  you
were mistaken in thinking that he should forfeit his "love of
the game."  You might also want to say: "I'm betting that
you will do the right thing.  If I am wrong, YOU'RE OUT!  
Finally, let it go, and get on with your life.