Dear Miss Emily:
 
I have a friend, I'll call "Julie."  I have known her for 17 years and have been in contact with her either by phone or, frequent visits.  Julie and I have shared so much over the years – but mostly about her colorful life:  her disastrous three marriages (one of whom was sex-addicted and another drug-addicted in the early years!); the loss of a son at age 21 to M.S; another son's methamphetamine abuse and his equally disastrous marriage; a multitude of jobs; the death of various relatives and, maybe the most interesting, the “poor relations” attitude toward her from her three siblings (they are all recipients of a small trust fund).  Through much of it, I have been there for her with a listening ear and as a confidante, and I have absolutely, unequivocally, seen and heard it all.    My problem now, is that Julie has begun to bore me to tears with these on-going sagas. She never seems to learn from past mistakes, and while I have felt a duty, as a friend, to listen, enough is enough!  During our most recent telephone conversation which, predictably, was yet another story of financial abuse on the part of her youngest, ‘ner-do-well son, she was in full song bemoaning the recent attitude of her sister, whom I believe is in the same position as I -- tired of the repetition.  I told her that it was really hard to listen to these abuses/stories/etc., which never change, nor ever will.  Julie, to my delight, informed me that I would not have to listen anymore, and she hung up!     Now, my predicament is that for such a long term friendship, I feel liberated, but I'm  feeling guilty about that emotion.  I wont miss much about Julie, and even though I suspect her action is of a temporary nature, I have to admit that I will not be taking her calls.  For me, there is no going back!  So Miss Emily, should I be feeling a little more sorrow at what I perceive is the end of this relationship?  Sadly, I absolutely feel nothing.

Ready to move on   


-------- Miss Emily’s Advice -------------

Dear Ready:

Perhaps Julie could make a few million by writing a best-seller!  Her life sounds intriguing, but I do agree that the constant drama, without any discussion about what’s going on with you, or even a comment about the weather, is not only grating, but has become a one-sided relationship. Without knowing what’s going on in your life, it seems that, even after a 17 year friendship, you are happy with your decision that a world without Julie would be grand.  But things are never that easy, are they?  You are a caring person who gave a good ear and, most likely, good advice.  Although, in theory it sounds easy to drop her from your address book, can you really, completely cut her out of your life?  If so, count guilt as a wasted emotion, and don’t look back.  On the other hand, if you decide it is too difficult, the next time she calls (and she probably will), be gentle, but tell her that you stand by your position.  If there is any basis for friendship, after making your position clear, it will find its way.  However, if Julie’s pride is damaged, and the friendship was based solely on her sharing the hard-luck stories that you are no longer interested in,  it seems likely that she will decide to go her own way, leaving you to go on your journey, without her.     
   

 

Dear Miss Emily:

I am a divorced mother of 2 children. A girl 14 and a boy 8.  The Dad is
nowhere in the picture. The girl has started to be mouthy and not tell me where she will be when she goes out.  She comes in late smelling of alcohol and I feel I am unable to keep her safe. She is setting a bad example for her brother
and keeping me on edge. What can I do?  She is a tall, muscular girl and, frankly, I am afraid ofher.  She pushes her brother around when I am not there to supervise them. Since I am at my wits end, I would appreciate any help you can send my way.
Distressed
in California


--------- Miss Emily’s Advice -------------

Dear Distressed:

I assume you are a single mother who works full time, although that does not set you apart from most families where it takes two incomes to support a household.  A key ingredient to successful parenting is involvement in your children’s lives.  If you are not involved, this may be a reason for your daughter looking for acceptance from friends.  Nagging and disapproval is not the answer.  Fourteen is a difficult age for all concerned.  Remember when you were fourteen?  Sit down with her and say “I need your help in finding ways to be together.”  If she can’t come up with anything, you make suggestions.  A cooking class – movie, yoga class?  If she doubts your sincerity, tell her you think a nonjudgmental activity that the two of you can do would improve your relationship, and see if she’ll get on board.  If she agrees, stick to your commitment.  Her future depends on your being there for her, when it counts the most.  If you fail to follow through, she will have her excuse for seeking careless, and perhaps dangerous activities outside of the home.  If you have already tried this, and you are seriously afraid of her, you need to seek counseling.  Ask the school for some guidance, if you cannot afford private consultation.  Do not leave your son with your daughter.  He should not be the brunt of your daughter’s hostility, and she should not be a built-in babysitter for you.  Find a safe place where he can go when you cannot be there.  Remember, children are an investment – not just in money, but with your time.

Dear Miss Emily:

My immediate supervisor is a nice lady.   The "Big Boss"  is constantly complaining to me about my boss.  She says things like "she could never get a job anywhere else. She has no organizational skills. Just take over if you see what needs to be done."  My immediate supervisor is a nice, friendly kind person, and I haven't noticed any problems, as of yet. I don't want to tell her what the "Big Boss" is saying behind her back, but, should I?  I know it would hurt her feelings, and I don't want to start a war.
Stuck in the middle                             


--------- Miss Emily’s Advice -------------

Dear Stuck:

First of all, do not tell your boss what is being said behind her back.  This would really put  you in the middle and your job may be in jeopardy.  It appears to me that your boss has a bitch for a boss.  She may just be the kind of person who loves to complain, find fault in others, or needs to knock someone to make herself  feel good.  You cannot know what is her motivation, but you can stop her from using you as a venting tool.  Next time it happens, tell her that you’ve thought about this a great deal, and you have come to the conclusion that you place both of them in high regard, and it is hard to find fault in either of them. A compliment will take the embarrassment factor out of what will follow.  Say that you haven’t noticed any real incompetence, or you’d be the first one to be mad about it.  Hopefully, she’ll get the idea, and back off.  If she doesn’t, continue to say, “You know, I hadn’t noticed.”  Then, change the subject.    

Dear Miss Emily:

Ok, I have been with my bf for almost 4 years. We
have a 21/2 year old daughter, we own a house together, and we share all
the household bills, 50/50.  My concern is that he says that he never wants to marry me.    He was engaged about 10 years ago, and they ended up not getting married.  I am feeling like I am not good enough, but this girl was good enough for him, even though they eventually broke it off.  Should I just cut my losses now, and venture out on my own, or stick it out with a guy who says he loves me, but will never marry me?

Not good enough

----------------Miss Emily's advice---------------

Dear not good enough:

Famous last words: “Never!” Someday, he may change his mind.  It seems that your boyfriend decided marriage wasn’t right for him a long time ago.  At least he’s been honest with you.  If he has had divorce in his family, this could be a reason.  Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce, and it might be that he does not want to risk becoming a statistic.  That said, ask yourself what he does bring to the table.  Is he a good mate?  Is he a good father?  Does he satisfy a great number of your emotional and physical needs?  If so, let the marriage issue go.  You know where he stands on this and, bringing it up makes you look needy.  Not a good stance if you hope that he will, eventually, change his mind.  Some of the best unions are those who decided that marriage means a ring and a legal document, and nothing more.  Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell!  Commitment is feeling, not a label.  Make your decision to stay or leave based on the strength of the bond you share – one being that sweet, 2 ½ year-old daughter.     
           
 

Dear Miss Emily:

My son is 12, and he is starting to hang out with some bad kids at
school. He is always angry with me these days, and doesn't listen anymore. I
am a single mom and I feel out of control. Should I get even tougher
with him or what? Thanks for any help you can provide. I am at the end of
my rope.

Out of Control


--------------Miss Emily's advice------------

Dear Out of Control:

This period is a difficult time for all concerned.  A twelve year-old, at the beginning of puberty, paints an awkward picture.  He is fussy and demanding no doubt and, I’m sure, you would do anything to put him back into footie pajamas. Although I don’t know what these “bad kids” are doing, to be on the safe side, you must provide a more appealing alternative at home. Single parenting is hard, because you can’t be in two places at once.  But when you are together, listen.  Listening is probably the most important thing you can do for a child.  Do not reprimand or find fault when your son is trying to give you information that he wants you to know, but fears your response.  It’s often said that a parent should not be a friend to his/her child.  However, part of what makes  friends so special, is that they do not judge.  Be open-minded and give reasonable advice and support. If he doesn’t pick up his room, offer to do it together. Be spontaneous – go out for ice cream at an odd hour.  Most of all, be kind.  And let Alec Baldwin’s outburst at his eleven year-old daughter be a lesson to us all.   Finally, know where he is at all times.  Have him check-in with you, and let him know the consequences if he does not.  A great book to help guide you through this rough patch is: Positive Discipline for Single Parents: Nurturing, Cooperation, Respect and Joy In Your Single Parent Family, by Jane Nelson (Amazon.com).  

Dear Miss Emily:

I have been divorced for about 6 years, and would like to have a friendly relationship with my ex-wife and her new husband, but she still holds nothing but anger towards me.  What can I do to encourage a better relationship between us?
Tired of the anger


-------------------Miss Emily's advice.........................

Dear tired:

I assume you have children, together, or you’re one lonely sod!  It’s sad that your ex still hates you, for lack of a better word, but unless she’s willing to let the past go and move on with her life, there isn’t a lot you can do to change things.  I suppose you could tell her that you are miserable – that would make her less angry, because isn’t that what she really wants – to see you suffer?  Look – the reason you divorced is because you didn’t do well as a couple and, somewhere along that road, you stopped being friends.  When you do see her, maintain a pleasant demeanor, and know this: living in the past is the surest way to destroy the future.  You know this – maybe one day your ex will figure it out, as well.      

Dear Miss Emily:

I am a proud single parent of 2 teens.  My son is now away at college.  
My daughter is this terrific kid who has great grades and super
friends.  My problem is that she is verbally abusive to me, but only to  me.  
She is NOT that way to my ex ( who I left 10 years ago for verbal
abuse) and she is not that way to her relatives or friends.  It hurts me
deeply when she tells me to "Just go away" when I am being nice to her.  She can use foul language, too.  I hold it in, then usually blow up at her a month later and, then, feel guilty.  My fear is that she may do it to her husband and children down the road .
Fed up

.................................Miss Emily's advice...........................

Dear Fed up:

Teenagers can sure be a pain in the butt, can't they?  I think it’s too early to threaten cutting her out of your will, although this could be a last-ditch effort down the road. You say that she was witness to her father verbally abusing you?  That is a shame, but the fact that you, initially, took it (without repercussions), makes a statement about you. She may also see some of herself in you, and that means she is essentially lashing out at herself.  But you cannot rewrite the past, no matter how much you try.  Do not engage her in defensive conversation when she is abusive toward her.  Silence speaks volumes.  In a calmer moment, tell her that abusive behavior will not be rewarded, set down some rules and stick to them.  The biggest fear here, is not that she will be abusive to others, but that she, learning from your past, is the one abused.        

Dear Miss Emily:

I love my six-year-old daughter's best friend, but her father gives me the willies.  Her mother travels during the week and he's the primary care giver.  I am running out of excuses for why my daughter can't play at their house.  How should I handle this situation?
Out of excuses


.............................Miss Emily's advice.........................

Dear Out of excuses:

Take him in your confidence, and tell him that your daughter is going through a “Mommy stage” and that you would prefer to be around when the girls play together.  And let that be it.  This is your daughter, and she is of paramount concern.  If the father of this girl is resentful, so be it!  How would you feel if something were to happen and your instincts had been correct?  If the family invites your daughter on an outing, when the mother is present, you might want to allow it.  Otherwise, hold your ground and risk him thinking you are an overly protective mother who dares to take no prisoners.

Dear Miss Emily:

I have been up and down about the existence of God.  I do pray if I am afraid,  need assurance, or if something bad happens to me or my family.  I ignore God and doubt his existence, otherwise.   I fee like a terrible hypocrite.   I don't want to be this way, but I feel like I need to see it to believe it.  How can I become more believing?  I don't want to be brainwashed into it.   
Confused               


--------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------


 Dear Confused:

The belief in God is a personal matter, and that is why a belief or non-belief in God is a decision only you can make.  Do not let others “brainwash” or intimidate you.  The famous cosmologist, Carl Sagan, was an atheist.  Once he wrote to his friend, an intellectual equal, and asked her, “How can you believe in God?”  She wrote back, “How can you not?”  If you choose to make God part of your life, believe only what seems reasonable to you and disregard the rest.  In truth, no human truly knows the nature of God.                







              

Dear Miss Emily:

My job takes a lot of hours during the day, driving, and I always have
hours of paperwork in the evening.  I'm getting married in a few months,
and my girlfriend says she understands, but I’m worried this will not be
the case after we're married.  I want to make a good life for both of us,
but I don't know how to keep balance in my life.
Working hard and puzzled

------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------- 


Dear Puzzled:

When you say you don’t know how to keep balance in your life, it suggests one of two things: It’s impossible with your insanely demanding work schedule or, it’s possible but, up until now, you haven’t tried.  No doubt you are good at your job, because you are regimented and, maybe a bit of a perfectionist?  Short of spending couch time with Dr. Phil, ask yourself if you can space your evening paperwork – do tasks that can be done when your girlfriend is busy, and not sitting alone on the sofa watching reruns of Sex and the City, and wondering if she’s made a mistake.  That said, hopefully you are marrying someone who truly does understand and accepts who you are, and not someone who hopes you will change once the vows are spoken.