Dear Miss Emily:

My boyfriend and I had been dating for almost two years. We have had our share of problems, and we ended up breaking up because he doesn't feel like he can trust me with other men. We broke up early July and have been arguing back and forth about our relationship. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me but is afraid something else will happen. He says because of the arguments we have had, we aren't right for each other. He has also said that he felt that I could've been his wife. Now I have been fighting for our relationship and letting him know that I am willing to do anything to fix us. I suggested we start over and regain that trust and find our way back to each other. I even brought up counseling. When I mention that to him, he felt that is drastic because we haven't been dating long enough to do that and me suggesting that let him further know we shouldn't be together. We continue to talk to rebuild some sort of a relationship. Our feelings for each other have not changed, but he can't make a decision as to wether to give us that chance to start over. He says he wants to, but he doesn't. And I just don't know what else to do.  Our relationship is a standstill. We have all the feelings without the title. Please help.
Trying To Make It Work

--------------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------------

Dear Trying:
You do not say why he does not trust you with other men.  If he is justified, then I can see why he does not feel comfortable about moving forward. If his concerns are not warranted, he will probably never trust you, because he has doubts about himself and he will most likely always be suspicious of your motives around men.  Either way, you two rehashing this ad infinitum is like beating a dead horse.  If he doesn’t think the relationship is worth seeking counseling, then I’d get real about what's really going on here and stop struggling to save something that cannot, or should not be. Sure, relationships do not always go smoothly, but if you have had this much trouble keeping to together with him, I’d listen when he says the arguments you have mean you are not right for each other. Why make yourself look desperate and let him hold all the cards?  It’s demeaning, and you should realize this before you suffer any more blows to your sense of self-worth.    
                                                

 

Dear Miss Emily:

OK. So there's this guy that I met online, and have been with for over a year now, altogether ( I say altogether because we've broken up a few times, but always ended up back together). Throughout the relationship, I have trusted him and have always been faithful to him. I think our relationship has been strong and it looks to me like it could actually be going places. During our last breakup, we decided that we were, in fact, going to get back together, but that we needed some time apart. We decided that a month would be a sufficient enough amount of time. He's always had a short temper and even the smallest thing would tick him off. Well, during our 'break' he got angry with me over something very little, and decided to get back together with his ex-girlfriend to tick me off.  I, rightfully, was furious. I made him decide on whether he wanted to be with me, or stay with her.  I told him that if he were to choose her, I would be out of his life forever and would move on. So he chose me, and then promised that he would never make another mistake like that one, again – also, that he would sever ties with her and never speak to her. Our relationship became stronger with time, and then we got some news that his parents had enrolled him in a school far away from where he lives, in the fall. A few days before he was supposed to leave, his ex-girlfriend left a comment on his profile on a site that he's on, and it said something like "Be safe” and “ I’ll keep in mind what we spoke about." My heart dropped into my stomach, because my boyfriend had told me that he had her on his ignore list.  I then confronted him about this comment and asked what she was talking about.  He told me he had no idea.  My gut feeling was that it wasn't true, but I wanted to believe him, so I did.  The day came that he was to leave. A couple days later, his ex sent me a message telling me that he wants to be with her and things of that nature. Of course, trusting him, I told her what she was saying was wishful thinking on her part. She offered to show me proof.  I said "all right, let me see this forgery; it'll be entertaining."  She then showed me an IM conversation that the two had (while my bf had been telling me that he had her blocked} that spoke of how I'm the reason they're not together, and that he still loves her. And some emails they exchanged (while my bf had been telling me that he wouldn't ever speak to his ex, again) that had him speaking about if he and I were to drift apart, that he'd be with her again; basically reassuring her that they will once again be together. I spelling and writing were his style -- eerily identical to the way he would write them. I was devastated and cried.  I was very hurt and felt betrayal on a level that I had never felt before.  I was also very angry, but more hurt than angry.  I decided to try to contact my boyfriend so I could confront him about all of this, hoping to GOD that this was all a lie. Once I got a hold of him, I asked him about it, and he was lost for words. He didn't know what to say, because he knew he was wrong. I told him to at LEAST admit his wrong doings and he did.  It made me cry to hear him admit it.  Here, the man who had always been active in making sure that I'd be faithful to him, and truthful about my whereabouts, acquaintances, etc., admitting to have betrayed my trust. He apologized for it and said it would never happen again.  I then pointed out that’s what he had said before, and it turned out to be a lie. He was quiet, and then tried to assure me, again, by saying that I was the only one he wanted to be with. I believed it this time, but only slightly. Ever since he had betrayed my trust, I have been skeptical of EVERYTHING that he says to me.  Every day that I had been on the phone with him, I had told him that I had been worried about losing him and about the future of our relationship because it's the second time that he'd betrayed me(the first time was when he went out with her during our break). He then got angry and accused ME of trying to break up the relationship when, in fact, I'm legitimately concerned.  I then assured him that I wasn't trying to break the relationship up, only concerned. I also warned him that if he were to ever do anything of that nature, again,  I would leave him and move on, because I don't deserve that kind of treatment from any guy. He understood, and it wouldn't be a problem because he doesn't want to be with anyone and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He then offered that I come up with something that he could do to prove to me that he only wanted to be with me.  I rejected this, because I figured that if he really wanted to, he could easily hide anything from me considering that we cannot see each other. I tried to move past everything that had happened and began just talking about normal things that we would have talked about before this whole situation began. A few days later, he randomly asked me to marry him. I eagerly said yes, because I do in fact love him.  I’ve never felt this way about anyone, or connected with anyone the way I do with him. Another thing is that when I get into a relationship, I’m usually able to tell if it is going anywhere, and this is the only one that I actually feel confident about, but just wish that he would stop doing these hurtful things. But now I’m rethinking the reason why he asked me.  Is it because he does in fact love me that much (because we have spoken about marriage before, he just never proposed), or because he's afraid of losing me to someone else when it could have all been prevented? Please help me figure this out.
Fooled Me Twice

--------------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------------

Dear Fooled:

After having had several relationships, this is one you think you can feel confident about?  Oh, this guy is good!  I have to hand it to the liar who’s capable of taking an intelligent person (like you) and turning them into a blob of stupidity; and not just once, but over-and-over again.  It takes a certain individual to hone this skill, and he’s a master; and at such a tender age. Wow!  I’m wondering if sonny boy’s parents know he’s a pain-in-the-ass and shipped him off to solve the problem. You never say why the folks sent him away.  But I digress.  I think if you get married (at any age), to someone you, deep-down, do not trust, you might as well sign yourself into Heartbreak Hotel, and plan to live out your days (before you come to your senses) always wondering if he is lying and cheating. It would be a real ego-deflator, as well, if you were to be saddled with a child and spent countless nights waiting for Mr. Wonderful to show his face, only to listen to a string of lies about where he’d been. Your history with him is abysmal. His treatment of you is stunning, in light of the fact that you remained devoted to him and forever faithful.  At your age, you should plan to marry, prematurely, only if you can sit back and watch your friends get great educations in college, and then be able to pick-and-choose the best future for themselves, without feeling resentful.  My opinion, for what it’s worth:  I’d tell him you’ve come to your senses and encourage him to contact the other girl – you know, the one whom he told he loved and would be with if you weren’t the fly in the water glass.  But you know, in my heart, I think you won’t take my advice and, instead, will spend countless hours wasting your time on him until he meets someone at the new school, and you end up on his ignore list. There is a reason someone said, “Youth is wasted on the young.”  Are you going to be a prime example of this rather insightful quotation? 

Dear Miss Emily:

I am a 26 year old female and have been living financially independent of my parents, since I graduated from college three years ago.  Since then I have been through a lot with relationships but have come out the other side much more independent and happy.  I met my current boyfriend 9 months ago.  To tell you that I have never been happier is an understatement.  He is kind, respectful, hard working, and everything I have ever looked for in a serious relationship.  We have decided to move in together.  When we move we will have been dating for 10 months.  My mother couldn't be more excited.  She is very happy for me, because I am very happy.  My father is a slightly different story.  He is very upset that I am doing this.  He thinks that I am rushing things too quickly.  He believes that I should wait another year.  He has gotten so upset that he has gone to my extended family to talk to them about this and has since called to report that they all now think I am making a huge mistake.  My question is that I want to be able to make my boyfriend feel welcome around my family, because his family has been so welcoming to me.  I understand that my father loves me and just wants to see the best for me.  But he has made me feel alienated from my extended family, as well as making it difficult for them to get to know my boyfriend and see why it is that I am so happy.  How do I take a proactive approach to ease the transition? 
Stuck In The Middle

-----------------Miss Emily's advice-------------

Dear Stuck:

Needless to say, your father has handled this like a petulant child, and he may regret it one day.  That said, I believe his concern is rational.  Moving in with someone is a huge commitment, and with just nine months under your belt with this guy, he might view this as a possible set-up for greater disappointment if things were to go south for his baby girl (again).  Could he also be thinking "If my daughter is good enough to live with, she's good enough to marry!"?  Short of stopping your plans to proceed with what you envision to be domestic bliss, in my opinion, you are going to have to suck-it-up and approach this like a grown-up woman who can, and will face this obstacle head-on.  If it's possible, tell your father, respectfully, that although you disagree with him and the way he's handled things, his opinion does matter. You have taken his concerns into consideration, but still feel you are making the right choice, at the right time.  If things don't work out, this should not have an "I told you so" ending, and let him know that you deserve better than that. Your father has made up his mind, for now, but not forever.  Include your boyfriend in some of these discussions, in order to remind your father that his daughter is moving in with a man of character and conviction.  Do not let your boyfriend sit on the side-lines, only to appear ambivalent or detached.  Reach out, by phone or mail, or invite the "naysayers" to a party to show this extended family that you care enough to want to include them in the next chapter of your life.  If they are decent people, they will open their hearts to your boyfriend and treat him with kindness.  Were they to be obstinate, and not let this man into their lives because of some rigid belief system, it would prove that you were never their main concern from the get-go.  But at this point, feeling alienated from them is premature.  They disapprove, they haven't moved and left you no forwarding address!  Good luck, and keep me posted.                        

Dear Miss Emily:

Okay, so.. I've liked this boy for a while now. He used to be really into me, and I truly believed we were gonna be serious enough to date. Well, I kinda did something that isn't that extreme with him, but I regret it because I'm thinking maybe if I hadn't done it he would appreciate me more. Well, anywho, he and his girlfriend broke up a month or so ago, and I know he isn't really over her (it's a long story). They basically both didn't want to break up but they had to. Well, anyway, I kinda like him again.  I had prom and I kissed him and he didn't kiss me back! (I'm not conceited, it's just I've never been turned down before) and I was truly shocked. He apologized, seriously, 5 times. But idk, I like him now.  I let my guard down, and I got a slap in the face for it. What should I do?  I really, really like him.

--------------Miss Emily's advice------------

I don't think you did anything that would warrant a "what were you thinking?" from me.  A kiss, on prom night, to a guy who was once (or is?) into you is impulsive, yes, but bold, carefree and harmless, as well.  I would guess the reason he didn't kiss you back is that he's not over his ex-girlfriend, and it was a moment he was not only caught unaware, but unsure what to do given his mixed emotions.  What you should do is keep yourself "available" until it no longer works for you.  Let the regret over that spontaneous prom moment go, because it did truly let him know you like him and that's a good thing.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  I get many letters from teens who won't even talk to a person they like, let alone muster the courage to do what you did.  Look, if he's interested, he'll come around.  If he doesn't, well, it's just not the right time for it.  Don't let what you thought was an ego-deflating moment keep you from putting this in perspective.  It's really not a big deal, believe me.             

Emily,

 I'm seventeen yrs old and I'm dating a very sweet guy who I've known for yrs. Recently I realized that of become a bit annoyed by him, and that maybe just maybe, I never did really love him. The thing is, I do this a lot.  I date a guy for a while and then find a reason to break up with him. Afterward, I end up back with them and the process replays itself.  I've done this to almost every boyfriend I've had. This is my 3rd time dating my current boyfriend, and I don't wanna hurt him. But would I be better off without him, or just do the same thing I always do?

-----------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------

I see the pattern, but I would probably need a better background on you before I can make a true appraisal of your situation. There could be many reasons for your dissatisfaction.  Through childhood experience, we learn by what we see and hear (obviously), and the biggest influence is what happens in the household. Now this may not be true for you, but sometimes an overly-critical mindset is learned from a parent. Standards are never met, because the standards are impossible to meet and there is a sense of continued disappointment. It may be that you are simply discerning, which is not a bad thing, and you haven't found someone whom you really want to commit in the ways you think you are capable. You might be very bright, mature, and sophisticated, and you simply don't have a great pool to choose from -- and that's not entirely impossible from what I remember at your age!!!  Another thought I have, is that you feel like you need to play a certain role in your environment at school, but dating someone on a regular basis just isn't where you want to be -- yet you feel pressured because that's the thing to do.  My suggestion?  Think about some of the things I have written, here, and see if one of them rings true. I will gladly continue my correspondence with you if you have any questions.  Follow your own path, without guilt, and it will surely lead you to a happier you. I would let this guy know you are not at a commitment phase in your life, and friendship is all you can really offer. Getting too serious about anyone, at your age, can interfere with future plans -- and hopefully that includes college, and/or a career ahead of you with financial independence. There's plenty of time to narrow your sights on what you want in a man, later.      

Emily:

My girlfriend and me have been dating for 6 months and we are both still virgins. Last night she asked me a question that doesn't make much sense to me.  I want to wait to have sex until I'm married, or almost, and she told me that too but, last night, she said that she would have sex with me if I wanted her to, and I don't know if that's a hint that she wants me to tell her I do too. I would do anything for her. She told me she has ben thinking about it for a few weeks, and I told her I want to wait. I love her with all my heart and soul, and shes the girl I want to get married to someday. I never really thought about having sex with her until she brought it up last night and, now, I just don't know .

-------------------------Miss Emily's--------------------------

I understand the "great" temptation but, right now, you shouldn't go ahead and have sex if you made up your mind that you want to wait. This is one of those areas that is subject to change, however. Good communication is everything in a relationship and you need to get this settled, at least for now, in order to maintain an even keel.  Never do anything that is not right for you, nor compromise your values. I know you love her, but doing anything for her is not always a reasonable approach. That said, if you change your mind, and you have every right if you feel comfortable with the decision, make sure you use protection (no unplanned pregnancy, please) and aren't going to be subjected to her parents' wrath (if you are underage) and they find out about it. This kind of decision should be a mature decision -- as well, you want to avoid any future trouble and/or regret.