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Commitment Phobic
- By Miss Emily
- Published 08/3/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I have been dating this man for a year now. I told him I loved him like 6 months into the relationship..He has told me all along, he doesn't say "I love you"..never told his ex wives, not sure if he has ever really loved anyone. I moved in with him about a month ago, it only worked for 3 weeks, I was tired of being the only one trying so I moved out. Out of the blue 2 weeks ago I get a text that says "I love you". I think I made a mistake of pushing the issue after that, I tried to get him to tell me to my face. He wouldn't do it but,.instead, got frustrated and said "I told you once already, I wont tell you everyday, and you're not satisfied with that." That frustrated me, so I told him once, again, I was finished if he could not put as much into as I do. He wanted to come over so we could "talk".He said "I cannot promise you forever, I cannot even promise that two years from now or even a year that this is what I still want. He said he is not sure what he wants, so I said I would make up his mind for him, and I was done. Not even 10 min later he wanted me to come back to his house. I ended up going and staying for a few days, because I do love this man with all my heart. He always says "everyone says you are the best thing that has happened to me, and that you are good for me, but I have to decide what I want." When we are together, I see him just watching me, staring at me, like his is in deep thought. I am always wondering what he is thinking about. He called me last night and said "I have been doing a lot of thinking, about the future." I said "your future or our future together?" He said "No, us together, trying to picture what it would be like." I was thinking, well, finally that is sweet but, then, he frustrates me by continuing to say "I just have to decide what I really want. He said "I have to make sure my decision is not based on me feeling lonely when you're not around, and not on money," and that he wants to be sure it comes from his heart. He said "We are compatible, unless you are holding back, and I don't know the real you." I just said "Fine, I am done talking aboout this, and there is nothing more I can do in this relationship to show you I love you. I am 100 percent invested in this I do everything I can for you to prove to you and show you what you mean to me, and how much I want this. I hope for your sake that when you finally decide that I have not given up for good." All he had to say was "Yeah, I know". This really hurts. Why is he so frustrating and is he afraid, or what is he feeling? I am so tired of trying to guess. Should I walk away?
---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
From my point of view, I think you handled this really well. You know what you want -- and if he's not on board, you'll move on. He's commitment-phobic (no wonder after failed marriages), and that's okay if he's being honest about it. It's only been a year (I know, a lifetime to you), and it's too soon to want something more than he is capable of giving, now. He cares enough about you (and himself) to not pull the wool over your eyes, only to rip it away and leave you dumbfounded. I'd stay in my own home, give this about six more months, and show some independence that let's him know you got along without him before you met him, and you'd get along without him if need be. He's failed in marriage before, and there's no guarantee that he would be any better with you even if he could muster-up a few "I love you" bait lines. Take a look at that, and be careful what you wish for.
I have been dating this man for a year now. I told him I loved him like 6 months into the relationship..He has told me all along, he doesn't say "I love you"..never told his ex wives, not sure if he has ever really loved anyone. I moved in with him about a month ago, it only worked for 3 weeks, I was tired of being the only one trying so I moved out. Out of the blue 2 weeks ago I get a text that says "I love you". I think I made a mistake of pushing the issue after that, I tried to get him to tell me to my face. He wouldn't do it but,.instead, got frustrated and said "I told you once already, I wont tell you everyday, and you're not satisfied with that." That frustrated me, so I told him once, again, I was finished if he could not put as much into as I do. He wanted to come over so we could "talk".He said "I cannot promise you forever, I cannot even promise that two years from now or even a year that this is what I still want. He said he is not sure what he wants, so I said I would make up his mind for him, and I was done. Not even 10 min later he wanted me to come back to his house. I ended up going and staying for a few days, because I do love this man with all my heart. He always says "everyone says you are the best thing that has happened to me, and that you are good for me, but I have to decide what I want." When we are together, I see him just watching me, staring at me, like his is in deep thought. I am always wondering what he is thinking about. He called me last night and said "I have been doing a lot of thinking, about the future." I said "your future or our future together?" He said "No, us together, trying to picture what it would be like." I was thinking, well, finally that is sweet but, then, he frustrates me by continuing to say "I just have to decide what I really want. He said "I have to make sure my decision is not based on me feeling lonely when you're not around, and not on money," and that he wants to be sure it comes from his heart. He said "We are compatible, unless you are holding back, and I don't know the real you." I just said "Fine, I am done talking aboout this, and there is nothing more I can do in this relationship to show you I love you. I am 100 percent invested in this I do everything I can for you to prove to you and show you what you mean to me, and how much I want this. I hope for your sake that when you finally decide that I have not given up for good." All he had to say was "Yeah, I know". This really hurts. Why is he so frustrating and is he afraid, or what is he feeling? I am so tired of trying to guess. Should I walk away?
---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
From my point of view, I think you handled this really well. You know what you want -- and if he's not on board, you'll move on. He's commitment-phobic (no wonder after failed marriages), and that's okay if he's being honest about it. It's only been a year (I know, a lifetime to you), and it's too soon to want something more than he is capable of giving, now. He cares enough about you (and himself) to not pull the wool over your eyes, only to rip it away and leave you dumbfounded. I'd stay in my own home, give this about six more months, and show some independence that let's him know you got along without him before you met him, and you'd get along without him if need be. He's failed in marriage before, and there's no guarantee that he would be any better with you even if he could muster-up a few "I love you" bait lines. Take a look at that, and be careful what you wish for.
