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The Right Course of Action
- By Miss Emily
- Published 07/20/2010
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily,
As stated by many individuals whom have come to you for advise, I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm a 17 year old female. Four years ago I lost my mother. I was raised by her, and relied on her for so much support and she was wonderful. More of a best friend to me than anything else, and my father...of course, he was there for me financially (giving me a roof over my head, planning trips etc.) but emotionally, he was never there. When she died, just as he had before, I would be told to 'f' off if he was watching hockey, and I would be yelled at for pointless things and he made sure I was alone in coping with my mother's death. I felt completely alone and worthless. I felt, and still feel, like I have no family to support me for they all support my father in both good and wrong doings. I'm not even allowed to see my brothers (whom are not the greatest influences), or my mom's side of the family. But..that is just the general overview. I am a very quiet person, and keep to myself. Who would have guessed that I would fall in love with someone who loves me. I feel so taken care of, and for once safe. I'm protected when I'm with him, and we've been together for a year and a half. Next year, I'll be finished with high school and on to university, but...I'm wondering if I should move in with my boyfriend. He's had his share of.a troubled past and done things he shouldn't have -- but he's so kind and protecting. I feel like I have a family, again, when I'm with him. Like I belong! But I feel this..guilt of leaving my father even after all this stress and anger. I was suicidal the first year after my mother passed away, and I don't even have many friends because of my timidity. But my boyfriend accepts me for who I am. Should..I move in with him at such a young age?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
I'm reluctant to suggest that you move in with him, because I think it's imperative you get your emotional house in order, so to speak, and avoid depending on him in areas that you need to develop on your own. What you have been through would be traumatic even for the most outgoing person, yet it is even harder for those who have little outlet to express their feelings when shyness prevents it. I am sure your father has had his own set of issues about the loss of your mother, but it is truly sad when the remaining parent is not capable of putting his grief in check nor best foot forward in order to prevent alienating his child, or children. That said, you are not his parent and it is up to him to find the strength to carry on -- and it is up to you to set your sails on a new course. Is it possible for you to live in a dorm situation at college? This would be the best interim step rather than jumping into a live-in relationship with your boyfriend right now. Again, you need to find your own footing and, although I know your boyfriend has been a great support system, it's time you figured out who you are (and that's a great person who has a lot to give all the right people), how you fit into the world, and what tools you will need to develop in order to get through life well, rather than just okay. As unfortunate as it is, you are not the first person to lose a loving parent and, although tough to see your family as disjointed and almost hostile, time may heal some of the distance with these people as life tumbles on. As well, I know plenty of friends who make their friends "family" because we, ultimately, choose our friends -- yet are given a set of parents, and a set of circumstances beyond our control. This is a rough period in your life, but you'll gain strength by understanding that you are responsible for the direction of your life, and you can make it whatever you choose -- and with apologies to none.
As stated by many individuals whom have come to you for advise, I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm a 17 year old female. Four years ago I lost my mother. I was raised by her, and relied on her for so much support and she was wonderful. More of a best friend to me than anything else, and my father...of course, he was there for me financially (giving me a roof over my head, planning trips etc.) but emotionally, he was never there. When she died, just as he had before, I would be told to 'f' off if he was watching hockey, and I would be yelled at for pointless things and he made sure I was alone in coping with my mother's death. I felt completely alone and worthless. I felt, and still feel, like I have no family to support me for they all support my father in both good and wrong doings. I'm not even allowed to see my brothers (whom are not the greatest influences), or my mom's side of the family. But..that is just the general overview. I am a very quiet person, and keep to myself. Who would have guessed that I would fall in love with someone who loves me. I feel so taken care of, and for once safe. I'm protected when I'm with him, and we've been together for a year and a half. Next year, I'll be finished with high school and on to university, but...I'm wondering if I should move in with my boyfriend. He's had his share of.a troubled past and done things he shouldn't have -- but he's so kind and protecting. I feel like I have a family, again, when I'm with him. Like I belong! But I feel this..guilt of leaving my father even after all this stress and anger. I was suicidal the first year after my mother passed away, and I don't even have many friends because of my timidity. But my boyfriend accepts me for who I am. Should..I move in with him at such a young age?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
I'm reluctant to suggest that you move in with him, because I think it's imperative you get your emotional house in order, so to speak, and avoid depending on him in areas that you need to develop on your own. What you have been through would be traumatic even for the most outgoing person, yet it is even harder for those who have little outlet to express their feelings when shyness prevents it. I am sure your father has had his own set of issues about the loss of your mother, but it is truly sad when the remaining parent is not capable of putting his grief in check nor best foot forward in order to prevent alienating his child, or children. That said, you are not his parent and it is up to him to find the strength to carry on -- and it is up to you to set your sails on a new course. Is it possible for you to live in a dorm situation at college? This would be the best interim step rather than jumping into a live-in relationship with your boyfriend right now. Again, you need to find your own footing and, although I know your boyfriend has been a great support system, it's time you figured out who you are (and that's a great person who has a lot to give all the right people), how you fit into the world, and what tools you will need to develop in order to get through life well, rather than just okay. As unfortunate as it is, you are not the first person to lose a loving parent and, although tough to see your family as disjointed and almost hostile, time may heal some of the distance with these people as life tumbles on. As well, I know plenty of friends who make their friends "family" because we, ultimately, choose our friends -- yet are given a set of parents, and a set of circumstances beyond our control. This is a rough period in your life, but you'll gain strength by understanding that you are responsible for the direction of your life, and you can make it whatever you choose -- and with apologies to none.
