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Give Her Space
- By Miss Emily
- Published 07/20/2010
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily:
My girlfriend and I were dating for about 16 months. We started a little different than most college relationships, as we started with the long distance thing because I went to play basketball overseas. When I came back it was great, then we moved in together. I am 23 she is 21, and everything was going well. I mean we had the normal relationship fights, a little bickering here and there. I may add I was a little harsh on her about her friends and gave her a hard time about when she went out. I also made a few empty promises here and there. I just realize I have not been perfect either, I also have a tendency to say thing I do not mean when I am angry, but anyway. So I recently graduated from school and a week later she asks for the dreadful "break." May I add she is going through some stuff including her parents ugly divorce, she has an eating disorder, is depressed, and she was diagnosed with anemia. So while we've been on this break we have had here and there and not seemed like a break. She states it is not to see what is out there, as she keeps saying I am the best for her and that she can not find anything better and what not. But, recently, she has admitted to not being able to trust/count on anyone but herself because of what her dad is doing to her mother. So what should I do? Also this break with no contact, it has been a day (which is the longest we have gone without contact) and it is hard. How long do you think until she starts to miss me? Also, when should I contact her? I know I love the girl, not being able to talk to her has helped me assess the situation a little bit better and, now, I realize it means a lot to me. What do I do? Also what should/can I say in order for her to believe I am here to change my ways to make her more comfortable. Thank You
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
Famous last words "I can change!" You did describe yourself as being a bit overbearing in this relationship, and I am sure that is one reason she's decided to take a break to work on her insecurity issues. Her strength will be your gain if you understand she needs to feel an equal in the relationship, and not a helpless child who is often subject to harsh criticism. Give her time to work at getting her life together. She seems to be in a place where she doesn't have much to give a relationship on an emotional level, and it would be fruitless for you to tell her otherwise. You should support her effort to get strong by giving her the independence she needs, right now. If you can't do that, the relationship wasn't going to work for the long haul, anyway. Refrain from getting pushy, but let her know, on occasion, that you support her while she's going through this difficult time -- and you'll be there for her if she wants to share. And mean it, because this would be part of the change you think you can muster now that you realize you weren't perfect in this relationship.
My girlfriend and I were dating for about 16 months. We started a little different than most college relationships, as we started with the long distance thing because I went to play basketball overseas. When I came back it was great, then we moved in together. I am 23 she is 21, and everything was going well. I mean we had the normal relationship fights, a little bickering here and there. I may add I was a little harsh on her about her friends and gave her a hard time about when she went out. I also made a few empty promises here and there. I just realize I have not been perfect either, I also have a tendency to say thing I do not mean when I am angry, but anyway. So I recently graduated from school and a week later she asks for the dreadful "break." May I add she is going through some stuff including her parents ugly divorce, she has an eating disorder, is depressed, and she was diagnosed with anemia. So while we've been on this break we have had here and there and not seemed like a break. She states it is not to see what is out there, as she keeps saying I am the best for her and that she can not find anything better and what not. But, recently, she has admitted to not being able to trust/count on anyone but herself because of what her dad is doing to her mother. So what should I do? Also this break with no contact, it has been a day (which is the longest we have gone without contact) and it is hard. How long do you think until she starts to miss me? Also, when should I contact her? I know I love the girl, not being able to talk to her has helped me assess the situation a little bit better and, now, I realize it means a lot to me. What do I do? Also what should/can I say in order for her to believe I am here to change my ways to make her more comfortable. Thank You
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
Famous last words "I can change!" You did describe yourself as being a bit overbearing in this relationship, and I am sure that is one reason she's decided to take a break to work on her insecurity issues. Her strength will be your gain if you understand she needs to feel an equal in the relationship, and not a helpless child who is often subject to harsh criticism. Give her time to work at getting her life together. She seems to be in a place where she doesn't have much to give a relationship on an emotional level, and it would be fruitless for you to tell her otherwise. You should support her effort to get strong by giving her the independence she needs, right now. If you can't do that, the relationship wasn't going to work for the long haul, anyway. Refrain from getting pushy, but let her know, on occasion, that you support her while she's going through this difficult time -- and you'll be there for her if she wants to share. And mean it, because this would be part of the change you think you can muster now that you realize you weren't perfect in this relationship.
