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Too Set In His Ways?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 07/18/2010
- Relationships - Women
Emily:
I started dating a guy 18 months ago (he lives 3-1/2 hours away). He was 45 before he married for the first time; married for five years; divorced; dated another girl for two years; and now dating me. I have had my share of relationships (and married twice) so I know what I don't want - although I am very ready to settle down with someone (him). The problem is - he is 55 now, goes out to bars - four months ago he was out until 1 in the morning! I told him that I did not want a boyfriend that needs to be in bars and he said he wouldn't go anymore. I was at his house recently and found two receipts (and stopped at two there were most likely more) from bars where he had been out late (since promising he wouldn't anymore). I also found two cocktail napkins with girls phone numbers. When I confronted him he said he went to the bars (ONLY TWICE) and the phone numbers were from three years ago (then why have I never noticed them?). So he convinces me to forgive him and says he won't go out to bars again. We are out of town last weekend and his phone rings at 1:30 in the morning (this has happened before). He tells me it is a guy friend of his calling about selling his friend windows! I broke up with him. He is trying to convince me that everything is innocent and I shouldn't be so hard on him because, after all, he was single for 45 years and his guy friends call when they're out drinking. During other visits to his house, I have found pictures of him and his ex-wife in his night stand, personal items of his ex-wife and step-daughter in closets (although he had already been divorced for three years when I saw them - lots of things!), found a picture of him and the girl he dated before me in a drawer where I put remotes when cleaning one day), found a wine glass with lipstick on it during one visit (said a guyfriend and his friend came over one night). And there have been other stupid things that I could never see myself dealing with in other relationships I've been in. Something else, with the economy taking a turn for the worse, his finances aren't as good as they used to be. I spend my money (while I'm supporting two kids) to drive to see him in his town or we each drive 2-1/2 hours to meet on the weeks at a place he owns at the beach. He does come to my town maybe once a month. Anyway, I spend money on gas, groceries, and sometimes dinner, drinks, while we're together. We recently had dinner with one of his friends and he complained because our dinner together was $28 - yet I found a receipt where he went out the night before with his friend and the tab was $70! (But his defense was that they split the bill - so that meant he spent $35 on himself and has the nerve to complain that he spent $28 on both of us!!). I have never dated a man who made me pay for anything! I have a daughter and son who live with me. My son is 24 and my daughter is 16. Since seeing this guy, I've gone out of town almost every weekend and my daughter doesn't want to leave her social life and go with me every weekend. He told me to ask someone else's opinion. So...With all the stupid things that happen (and did I mention he is 55?!) - should I continue seeing him, give so much of myself take so much from my kids (because the money I spend to go and see him is money I'm not spending at home), and consider packing up my daughter and me and moving 3-1/2 hours away to live with him (because that is what we've been talking about since last fall - I've just been second-guessing everything I feel something is always happening to upset me)? He says things will be different if I lived there (that he goes out because he is lonely and just wants to hang out with friends and builders that might be interested in purchasing window lines that he sells). I'm ready to give it up but I don't want to do that if I'm over-reacting. In his defense, he really is a great guy - I just want him to grow up - stay out of bars, tell his friends to stop calling past a certain hour. Am I wrong in thinking that at 55, this kind of behavior should not be occurring? Would you agree that it is time to grow up? I'll be looking forward to your opinion. Thanks for your time!
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Many of my advice seekers answer their own questions -- and I think you fall into that category. He lays it all at your feet. If you were closer, he'd be a stand-up guy, not hang out at bars (does he have a drinking problem?), not take phone numbers of women he met at these bars, and be willing to, what, allow you to clean out his drawers with remnants of the women who came before? Wow! What woman wouldn't jump at these opportunities? The old saying "A leopard doesn't change its spots" comes to mind. As well, "It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks." I think he does care a great deal for you, but on terms that seem too precarious to me. You said you know what you want, and it shouldn't be a commitment based on coercion. Give your money and your time to those who deserve it. The children you brought into the world, for one. Don't disrupt their lives for a man who has some good attributes, but will more than likely disappoint you because your expectations, and hope have little chance of meeting reality. If he were truly earnest, he would make the necessary changes before you committed to move in order to prove he is capable of doing so -- and, right now, that doesn't seem to be the case.
I started dating a guy 18 months ago (he lives 3-1/2 hours away). He was 45 before he married for the first time; married for five years; divorced; dated another girl for two years; and now dating me. I have had my share of relationships (and married twice) so I know what I don't want - although I am very ready to settle down with someone (him). The problem is - he is 55 now, goes out to bars - four months ago he was out until 1 in the morning! I told him that I did not want a boyfriend that needs to be in bars and he said he wouldn't go anymore. I was at his house recently and found two receipts (and stopped at two there were most likely more) from bars where he had been out late (since promising he wouldn't anymore). I also found two cocktail napkins with girls phone numbers. When I confronted him he said he went to the bars (ONLY TWICE) and the phone numbers were from three years ago (then why have I never noticed them?). So he convinces me to forgive him and says he won't go out to bars again. We are out of town last weekend and his phone rings at 1:30 in the morning (this has happened before). He tells me it is a guy friend of his calling about selling his friend windows! I broke up with him. He is trying to convince me that everything is innocent and I shouldn't be so hard on him because, after all, he was single for 45 years and his guy friends call when they're out drinking. During other visits to his house, I have found pictures of him and his ex-wife in his night stand, personal items of his ex-wife and step-daughter in closets (although he had already been divorced for three years when I saw them - lots of things!), found a picture of him and the girl he dated before me in a drawer where I put remotes when cleaning one day), found a wine glass with lipstick on it during one visit (said a guyfriend and his friend came over one night). And there have been other stupid things that I could never see myself dealing with in other relationships I've been in. Something else, with the economy taking a turn for the worse, his finances aren't as good as they used to be. I spend my money (while I'm supporting two kids) to drive to see him in his town or we each drive 2-1/2 hours to meet on the weeks at a place he owns at the beach. He does come to my town maybe once a month. Anyway, I spend money on gas, groceries, and sometimes dinner, drinks, while we're together. We recently had dinner with one of his friends and he complained because our dinner together was $28 - yet I found a receipt where he went out the night before with his friend and the tab was $70! (But his defense was that they split the bill - so that meant he spent $35 on himself and has the nerve to complain that he spent $28 on both of us!!). I have never dated a man who made me pay for anything! I have a daughter and son who live with me. My son is 24 and my daughter is 16. Since seeing this guy, I've gone out of town almost every weekend and my daughter doesn't want to leave her social life and go with me every weekend. He told me to ask someone else's opinion. So...With all the stupid things that happen (and did I mention he is 55?!) - should I continue seeing him, give so much of myself take so much from my kids (because the money I spend to go and see him is money I'm not spending at home), and consider packing up my daughter and me and moving 3-1/2 hours away to live with him (because that is what we've been talking about since last fall - I've just been second-guessing everything I feel something is always happening to upset me)? He says things will be different if I lived there (that he goes out because he is lonely and just wants to hang out with friends and builders that might be interested in purchasing window lines that he sells). I'm ready to give it up but I don't want to do that if I'm over-reacting. In his defense, he really is a great guy - I just want him to grow up - stay out of bars, tell his friends to stop calling past a certain hour. Am I wrong in thinking that at 55, this kind of behavior should not be occurring? Would you agree that it is time to grow up? I'll be looking forward to your opinion. Thanks for your time!
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Many of my advice seekers answer their own questions -- and I think you fall into that category. He lays it all at your feet. If you were closer, he'd be a stand-up guy, not hang out at bars (does he have a drinking problem?), not take phone numbers of women he met at these bars, and be willing to, what, allow you to clean out his drawers with remnants of the women who came before? Wow! What woman wouldn't jump at these opportunities? The old saying "A leopard doesn't change its spots" comes to mind. As well, "It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks." I think he does care a great deal for you, but on terms that seem too precarious to me. You said you know what you want, and it shouldn't be a commitment based on coercion. Give your money and your time to those who deserve it. The children you brought into the world, for one. Don't disrupt their lives for a man who has some good attributes, but will more than likely disappoint you because your expectations, and hope have little chance of meeting reality. If he were truly earnest, he would make the necessary changes before you committed to move in order to prove he is capable of doing so -- and, right now, that doesn't seem to be the case.
