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Fork In The Road
- By Miss Emily
- Published 06/30/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Emily,
Six years ago I met a wonderful man from my hometown. He is 13 years older than me. We became close friends and over time it developed into a great relationship. The age difference has never been an issue to us, despite what others around us thought. About two years into our relationship, I was offered a great job opportunity 2 hours away. After discussing it with him, I decided to take the job and move to a new city. We see each other almost every weekend, but now the long distance is starting to take a toll. Unfortunately, various circumstances make it difficult for us to quit our current jobs, not to mention he would have a house to sell if he moves here. I feel like one of us will have to make a drastic change if we want to be together. He wants to get married, but if I move back to my hometown to be with him- I need to have a job lined up, and good jobs are hard to find there. To make matters worse, he is now 40 years old. Although he is very healthy & still open to the idea of having children, I feel like I need to speed up the process because of his age. I'm very discouraged because while my other friends are getting married and having children, I am not even close to settling down, and my boyfriend is getting older each year. I know age is just a number- am I over-reacting? I feel like I may need to consider other options, but I don't know what they are.
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
I know someone who married a man 22 years her senior (a second marriage), and she had a child with him when she was 42 -- he was 64! You are 27, right? And he is forty -- a young man by today's standards. Trust me on this, a thirteen year difference is a big deal when you're 15, but the gap closes considerably when you are older. That said, if there are any other concerns you have, they need to be addressed. Jobs are hard to find these days and, if you are happy where you are, I would stay put. Women getting married and having children at your age is really unimportant. You aren't on any timetable. It's your life, and it's not in the hands of some misguided societal pressure or Brides magazine breathing down your neck at the checkout stand at the local market. Granted, the older you get the harder it is to feel comfortable carrying a child in terms of wear-and-tear on the body, but you're not there yet -- and if you're in great shape, it's not a problem. I have a family member who is going to be 100 next April. Granted, she's got good genes, but we are living longer and that is why time is on your side. Don't feel pressured by your boyfriend to speed up the relationship to marriage if the timing is bad because of job concerns. Yes, you could quit and move back home, but if a job is important to you for financial reasons and/or you enjoy your career, it's also necessary to be happy and be comfortable with the decisions you make regarding it. Bottom line: You have time to get it right. Figure out if this man is truly the man you want to marry and, if he is, keep looking for a good job that takes you back home. If you truly love him, and he loves you, a plan of action can formulate over time without the feeling of being pushed into something against your will.
Six years ago I met a wonderful man from my hometown. He is 13 years older than me. We became close friends and over time it developed into a great relationship. The age difference has never been an issue to us, despite what others around us thought. About two years into our relationship, I was offered a great job opportunity 2 hours away. After discussing it with him, I decided to take the job and move to a new city. We see each other almost every weekend, but now the long distance is starting to take a toll. Unfortunately, various circumstances make it difficult for us to quit our current jobs, not to mention he would have a house to sell if he moves here. I feel like one of us will have to make a drastic change if we want to be together. He wants to get married, but if I move back to my hometown to be with him- I need to have a job lined up, and good jobs are hard to find there. To make matters worse, he is now 40 years old. Although he is very healthy & still open to the idea of having children, I feel like I need to speed up the process because of his age. I'm very discouraged because while my other friends are getting married and having children, I am not even close to settling down, and my boyfriend is getting older each year. I know age is just a number- am I over-reacting? I feel like I may need to consider other options, but I don't know what they are.
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
I know someone who married a man 22 years her senior (a second marriage), and she had a child with him when she was 42 -- he was 64! You are 27, right? And he is forty -- a young man by today's standards. Trust me on this, a thirteen year difference is a big deal when you're 15, but the gap closes considerably when you are older. That said, if there are any other concerns you have, they need to be addressed. Jobs are hard to find these days and, if you are happy where you are, I would stay put. Women getting married and having children at your age is really unimportant. You aren't on any timetable. It's your life, and it's not in the hands of some misguided societal pressure or Brides magazine breathing down your neck at the checkout stand at the local market. Granted, the older you get the harder it is to feel comfortable carrying a child in terms of wear-and-tear on the body, but you're not there yet -- and if you're in great shape, it's not a problem. I have a family member who is going to be 100 next April. Granted, she's got good genes, but we are living longer and that is why time is on your side. Don't feel pressured by your boyfriend to speed up the relationship to marriage if the timing is bad because of job concerns. Yes, you could quit and move back home, but if a job is important to you for financial reasons and/or you enjoy your career, it's also necessary to be happy and be comfortable with the decisions you make regarding it. Bottom line: You have time to get it right. Figure out if this man is truly the man you want to marry and, if he is, keep looking for a good job that takes you back home. If you truly love him, and he loves you, a plan of action can formulate over time without the feeling of being pushed into something against your will.
