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Time To Leave This Alcoholic
- By Miss Emily
- Published 06/12/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I have been with my boyfriend five years as of today, he is a thirteen years older than me and we have two small children. And we have lived together since about four months after we met. Well he was the first one of us two to say 'I love you', after only five days of us dating! He used to be so sweet and caring, but that has all changed. He used to drink socially but now it seems like it's more and more over the past three years. He won't answer his phone most of the time, and I usually have to 'track him down' to avoid him wrecking my car again or getting another DUI (just three months ago!). He just doesn't want to come home, and our arguments are over his drinking. We haven't gone on a date together in three years, he claims he doesn't have the money to buy me anything for the holiday's or my birthday yet he's spending it on alcohol and gas to go to his friends houses and bars all of the time. When he is home is a good dad, though I know for a fact if we break up he won't have anything to do with our kids, and that is only one reason why I am hesitant to leave. Though I know that that is no reason to stay, that the kids would be happier having two happy parents (or atleast one happy one in their life), than two unhappy ones. I've been sleeping on the couch off and on for three years now. I know this is so cliche' but it is true in this situation, I love him but I am not in love with him anymore. I have read all of the articles claiming this was a 'easy way out' for most people, but this is exactly how I feel. I have been trying, over and over, to repair our relationship but he doesn't at all. I told him that I can't do it by myself it takes two people, and he just doesn't care, he shrugs it off. I know that he is having financial problems and I know that this is a reason for his drinking but he is a grown man and should be able to control that. He has already gone to AA in the past that I just found out about, and it didn't help. I have suggested other programs but he doesn't listen, to anyone else either. I don't ask for much, I just want a man who would want to come home and spend time with his family, a man that will take me out on a date every so often, and a man that loves my kids and I. I don't know if he really does love me anymore, a year ago he got my name tattoo'ed on him though although I told him he shouldn't have just in case. I am a very loyal person so I don't and won't cheat, I'm just so physically and emotionally tired of this situation. I honestly don't know if he has ever cheated on me. I asked him to be upfront with me as I am with him, and it claims he has been. Yet he lies about when he will be home, where he is going and if he has been drinking or not. He has been physically & emotionally abusive in the past, everytime was when he was drunk. Though I know that is no excuse. I think about it everyday, yet he doesn't remember any of it. When I left and he came to pick me up, after seeing all of the bruises and the knots on my head he didn't cry or anything. All he said is 'sorry', very 'about face', no emotion at all. That has really gotten to me, how can someone not show any emotion after what they have done to the mother of their children? The person they claim they love? He has torn up so many of our things over his drunken rages (three as of now). In my heart I know that he won't stop drinking, so I know it's a live with it or a leave and live without it kind of situation. I just wanted another person's insight.
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
You're in a horribly abusive situation and it has to stop. I can't imagine anyone advising you to try to get him into rehab, go to counseling, and make every attempt to work it out for the kids. Apparently, he's not willing to do any of these things (other than his failed attempt at AA) and the situation, believe it or not, will only get worse. You are drained, you have little to give and, yet, you try to soldier on for your children. I don't think it matters if this man is faithful, or not. He's no longer the man he once was (or so you say), and countless alcoholics simply refuse to stop drinking, period. They live in denial, and denial is a state-of-mind that no one can penetrate. They are also good at the blame game -- "It's you who has a problem, not me" or "You're the reason I drink," blah, blah, blah. It's my opinion that you only have one choice, and that is to leave him. And you are right, the children need at least one happy parent rather than two unhappy parents. They deserve better than that -- and so do you. It's hard to leave. I understand. But by staying, you are enabling him to continue on as usual because, no matter how much you object, you stay, and nothing changes. I can tell you are smart, by your letter, and that is reassuring to me. Reassuring in that you are not someone who endures this pain because she is hopeless, and has no prospects. You need to formulate a plan, and I suggest you do it without his knowledge. The plan will include where you will go, how you will support you children, and how you will say NO to him when he wants you back with promises to change. Maybe things could work out down the line, but he would have a lot of work to do to prove he's capable of being sober and a stand-up guy. Don't hold your breath on that one, however. There are many alcoholics who choose alcohol over family and, although tragic, you need to save yourself and your children. Good luck to you.
I have been with my boyfriend five years as of today, he is a thirteen years older than me and we have two small children. And we have lived together since about four months after we met. Well he was the first one of us two to say 'I love you', after only five days of us dating! He used to be so sweet and caring, but that has all changed. He used to drink socially but now it seems like it's more and more over the past three years. He won't answer his phone most of the time, and I usually have to 'track him down' to avoid him wrecking my car again or getting another DUI (just three months ago!). He just doesn't want to come home, and our arguments are over his drinking. We haven't gone on a date together in three years, he claims he doesn't have the money to buy me anything for the holiday's or my birthday yet he's spending it on alcohol and gas to go to his friends houses and bars all of the time. When he is home is a good dad, though I know for a fact if we break up he won't have anything to do with our kids, and that is only one reason why I am hesitant to leave. Though I know that that is no reason to stay, that the kids would be happier having two happy parents (or atleast one happy one in their life), than two unhappy ones. I've been sleeping on the couch off and on for three years now. I know this is so cliche' but it is true in this situation, I love him but I am not in love with him anymore. I have read all of the articles claiming this was a 'easy way out' for most people, but this is exactly how I feel. I have been trying, over and over, to repair our relationship but he doesn't at all. I told him that I can't do it by myself it takes two people, and he just doesn't care, he shrugs it off. I know that he is having financial problems and I know that this is a reason for his drinking but he is a grown man and should be able to control that. He has already gone to AA in the past that I just found out about, and it didn't help. I have suggested other programs but he doesn't listen, to anyone else either. I don't ask for much, I just want a man who would want to come home and spend time with his family, a man that will take me out on a date every so often, and a man that loves my kids and I. I don't know if he really does love me anymore, a year ago he got my name tattoo'ed on him though although I told him he shouldn't have just in case. I am a very loyal person so I don't and won't cheat, I'm just so physically and emotionally tired of this situation. I honestly don't know if he has ever cheated on me. I asked him to be upfront with me as I am with him, and it claims he has been. Yet he lies about when he will be home, where he is going and if he has been drinking or not. He has been physically & emotionally abusive in the past, everytime was when he was drunk. Though I know that is no excuse. I think about it everyday, yet he doesn't remember any of it. When I left and he came to pick me up, after seeing all of the bruises and the knots on my head he didn't cry or anything. All he said is 'sorry', very 'about face', no emotion at all. That has really gotten to me, how can someone not show any emotion after what they have done to the mother of their children? The person they claim they love? He has torn up so many of our things over his drunken rages (three as of now). In my heart I know that he won't stop drinking, so I know it's a live with it or a leave and live without it kind of situation. I just wanted another person's insight.
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
You're in a horribly abusive situation and it has to stop. I can't imagine anyone advising you to try to get him into rehab, go to counseling, and make every attempt to work it out for the kids. Apparently, he's not willing to do any of these things (other than his failed attempt at AA) and the situation, believe it or not, will only get worse. You are drained, you have little to give and, yet, you try to soldier on for your children. I don't think it matters if this man is faithful, or not. He's no longer the man he once was (or so you say), and countless alcoholics simply refuse to stop drinking, period. They live in denial, and denial is a state-of-mind that no one can penetrate. They are also good at the blame game -- "It's you who has a problem, not me" or "You're the reason I drink," blah, blah, blah. It's my opinion that you only have one choice, and that is to leave him. And you are right, the children need at least one happy parent rather than two unhappy parents. They deserve better than that -- and so do you. It's hard to leave. I understand. But by staying, you are enabling him to continue on as usual because, no matter how much you object, you stay, and nothing changes. I can tell you are smart, by your letter, and that is reassuring to me. Reassuring in that you are not someone who endures this pain because she is hopeless, and has no prospects. You need to formulate a plan, and I suggest you do it without his knowledge. The plan will include where you will go, how you will support you children, and how you will say NO to him when he wants you back with promises to change. Maybe things could work out down the line, but he would have a lot of work to do to prove he's capable of being sober and a stand-up guy. Don't hold your breath on that one, however. There are many alcoholics who choose alcohol over family and, although tragic, you need to save yourself and your children. Good luck to you.
