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He Can't Forget Wife's Past
- By Miss Emily
- Published 05/30/2010
- Relationships - Men
Dear Miss Emily:
I am trying to discover why I am having such strong emotions about a breakup my wife and I had back in college. Today we are very happily married. We met in college and are now in our early 30s. When we met she was a freshman and I was a sophomore. She originally pursued me because I was different from guys she had known in high school, and for two years we were inseparable. She came from a good family and her parents did not like us being together given that they did not think I had financial prospects. She eventually listened to them and left me. I knew that we were meant to be together, and so I fought to get her back. After much time and effort on my part, she agreed to begin seeing me again. However, her parents insisted that she also date other men from our school and also friends of her family. This lasted for about six months after we got back together. This was a very hard time for me, going out with her on dates and courting her to win her back, but then knowing she was also dating other men. She remembers this as a wonderful time in her life during which she was able to enjoy the company of men romantically and in some cases very intimately (until that point we had only been with each other). It was very difficult for me during this period, hearing guys on campus and elsewhere brag about their time with her while I spent the night alone. I got past it, eventually won her back to me and we have now been married for 8 years. She is the light of my life and I love her dearly. However, I do not know why I am still so upset about the breakup. Why do I think about how she left me? Why am I still struggling with the fact that while she was pressured to break up with me, she chose to play the field and didn't often turn men down, while I fought to keep us together? How do I handle these feelings now that so much time has passed?
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------
Perhaps your anger comes from the fact that you accepted the terms -- in other words, you are mad at yourself and you now need to find a place for it. Yes, she was manipulated by her parents and, basically, that's all she knew. I look at it this way: She did it, she had the opportunity to date other men and, after all that, she came back to you because you were better than all the rest. That says something about the person you are. You waited for what you believed was the right women for you, it turned out to be true and, now, you are a happy man for it. Matters of the heart are often painful, and you experienced it in spades, but the pain was worth it because what you have now is something that many married couples can only dream about. Don't drag a foot in the past, but concentrate on what you have now. If for any reason you feel resentful because she had experiences that you didn't have, remember you found your jewel early in life, and no other woman would have measured up. You can't change the past and, therefore, there's no sense in being frustrated by it to the point it sullies your future, adversely. If this persists, see a therapist to find other possible reasons for your discontent.
I am trying to discover why I am having such strong emotions about a breakup my wife and I had back in college. Today we are very happily married. We met in college and are now in our early 30s. When we met she was a freshman and I was a sophomore. She originally pursued me because I was different from guys she had known in high school, and for two years we were inseparable. She came from a good family and her parents did not like us being together given that they did not think I had financial prospects. She eventually listened to them and left me. I knew that we were meant to be together, and so I fought to get her back. After much time and effort on my part, she agreed to begin seeing me again. However, her parents insisted that she also date other men from our school and also friends of her family. This lasted for about six months after we got back together. This was a very hard time for me, going out with her on dates and courting her to win her back, but then knowing she was also dating other men. She remembers this as a wonderful time in her life during which she was able to enjoy the company of men romantically and in some cases very intimately (until that point we had only been with each other). It was very difficult for me during this period, hearing guys on campus and elsewhere brag about their time with her while I spent the night alone. I got past it, eventually won her back to me and we have now been married for 8 years. She is the light of my life and I love her dearly. However, I do not know why I am still so upset about the breakup. Why do I think about how she left me? Why am I still struggling with the fact that while she was pressured to break up with me, she chose to play the field and didn't often turn men down, while I fought to keep us together? How do I handle these feelings now that so much time has passed?
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------
Perhaps your anger comes from the fact that you accepted the terms -- in other words, you are mad at yourself and you now need to find a place for it. Yes, she was manipulated by her parents and, basically, that's all she knew. I look at it this way: She did it, she had the opportunity to date other men and, after all that, she came back to you because you were better than all the rest. That says something about the person you are. You waited for what you believed was the right women for you, it turned out to be true and, now, you are a happy man for it. Matters of the heart are often painful, and you experienced it in spades, but the pain was worth it because what you have now is something that many married couples can only dream about. Don't drag a foot in the past, but concentrate on what you have now. If for any reason you feel resentful because she had experiences that you didn't have, remember you found your jewel early in life, and no other woman would have measured up. You can't change the past and, therefore, there's no sense in being frustrated by it to the point it sullies your future, adversely. If this persists, see a therapist to find other possible reasons for your discontent.
