- Home
- Relationships - Men
- Tortured Relationship
Tortured Relationship
- By Miss Emily
- Published 05/25/2010
- Relationships - Men
Dear Miss Emily:
My girlfriend revealed to me that she was either sexually assaulted or in a relationship of sexual nature with her biological brother. I'm not sure of the exact scenario because I think she's ashamed to tell me the true nature of the events. I think she opened up to me because I too was sexually assaulted by a neighbor as a child. I didn't deal with my deep issues till I was 34 and, needless to say, I struggled my entire life till that point. I have since dealt with my issues and though I'm challenged daily by those events I have come to terms with myself. She is really insecure. Not only has she bottled up these brotherly issues, she also had a "handsy", drunk and verbally abusive father and a mother who didn't protect her from the only two men in this poor girl's life. After opening up to me, she has discussed her childhood secrets with her mother and her brother's fiance. Both have told her that her sexual relationship with her brother was "normal." I don't claim to be a doctor or therapist, but clearly this is not normal, acceptable behavior and I am completely baffled by this. Upon hearing that, she has taken the attitude that if they think it's okay then it must be okay and has decided to do nothing about it. I have implored her to seek counseling. In the six months that we have been dealing with this, she has only gone through the interview portion of therapy. She is definitely reluctant to deal with this and this has wreaked havoc on us. Our relationship is on the brink of failure. Her lack of self esteem coupled with the fact that she feels she needs to satisfy everyone else in the world has left me feeling neglected and way down on her priority list. She is so scared of not serving other peoples feelings or needs that she has put them in front of me. There is a laundry list of events that would have sent most people running, but I have tried to stick this out. Her immaturity and insecurities are killing our love. She is so beautiful inside and out yet refuses to see that. A day doesn't pass without her questioning her looks, her brain and our relationship. I love her dearly but I'm at my wits end. Her brother who she claims physically, mentally, sexually, verbally and emotionally abused her is getting married this week. This creep's actions have emotional crippled her yet she feels obligated to go to these events to appease her family. Other than her mom and brother's fiance, no one else knows about the childhood events. It hurts me that she has never held her brother accountable for his actions and the family '"Angel" is allowed to go about his life with zero repercussions while the only lady I love suffers. I can't understand why she chooses to participate in his life and events when he is a big reason she struggles in her own life. Can you imagine how I feel? If the table were turned I think she would be as upset as I am. Yet, she expects me to just deal with it. I feel slighted and slapped in the face. I am left to deal with her emotions and drunkiness on a daily basis. I comfort her when things go bad. My love has become tough love, but I do love her like no other before her. I don't know what else to do. She doesn't realize how much she's hurting me to satisfy her family who didn't seem to ever truly care about her well being. I realize that her childhood issues are hers and that if she is ever going to find happiness that these things need to be dealt with for her sake. Unfortunately, they are damaging our relationship and hurting me in the process. Should I just tolerate this and be hurt while she works on herself? My patience is running thin and I'm not even sure if she is committed to working on herself. Sweeping issues under the rug and hoping they just disappear seems to be a pattern in her life. As you know, that strategy rarely works. I feel like I am simply here to clean up her mess but I want to be her equal partner. I want to be considered. It seems our relationship is so focussed on her issues. So here I am, the man who loves and respects her, begging her to love me in return. I want to feel like I'm the most important person in her life (she claims that I am). Again, I want to be considered. Please help before I lose what I thought was the love of my life. Lately, this seems like hell no love. As the days get closer to the wedding she has been out of control. It seems to be a sign that she doesn't want to read. Being lost and in love with someone who doesn't love themselves is just being lost. On my knees...
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Unfortunately, you have placed yourself in too great a role in this relationship. This situation is not a personal affront to you -- it's an indication of how damaged she is, and she cannot put you first. She doesn't put herself first! Why would you be any different? If you want the role of an enabler -- play it, but don't complain. If you want the role of martyr, play it, and don't complain. If you want the role of savior, play it, and don't complain But if you want to be in a relationship with a secure woman who can move your life forward, rather than dragging one foot in the past, you need to end this relationship with her. You are not her parent, although you behave like one. Her parents are awful people, plain and simple. But that is not your burden to carry. Of course it's absurd for a mother and her brother's fiance to tell her it's normal for a brother to molest a sister. On what planet do they live? I know this kind of thing happens in families, but I also know it damages lives. We don't live in the Dark Ages. This is not pagan Rome where emperors have a bevy of 10 year-old boys at their disposal and it's "what they do." This is not acceptable behavior in our society, and that's all there is to it. But she is a slave to this family, and a people "pleaser" at your expense and her own (typical pattern in this case). That said, you have allowed it, and your love for her becomes secondary to the problems related to it. She needs help, she refuses to get it, and there is nothing more you can do. I certainly wouldn't attend the wedding if I were you. But the fact that she is, speaks volumes. My heart breaks for her, and I know you love her -- and that's why it pains me to almost seem cruel over your situation. But you can't fix her, no matter your valiant attempt at trying -- however, if you don't save yourself, you have no one to blame. . . here it comes, but you! Stand firm, and do what you know needs to be done. As an aside, I knew a woman who had an ongoing sexual relationship with her brother (started in childhood). He ended up to be an attorney, a powerful legislator in his community and, a judge! And where did she end up? An alcoholic who hangs on by a thread.
My girlfriend revealed to me that she was either sexually assaulted or in a relationship of sexual nature with her biological brother. I'm not sure of the exact scenario because I think she's ashamed to tell me the true nature of the events. I think she opened up to me because I too was sexually assaulted by a neighbor as a child. I didn't deal with my deep issues till I was 34 and, needless to say, I struggled my entire life till that point. I have since dealt with my issues and though I'm challenged daily by those events I have come to terms with myself. She is really insecure. Not only has she bottled up these brotherly issues, she also had a "handsy", drunk and verbally abusive father and a mother who didn't protect her from the only two men in this poor girl's life. After opening up to me, she has discussed her childhood secrets with her mother and her brother's fiance. Both have told her that her sexual relationship with her brother was "normal." I don't claim to be a doctor or therapist, but clearly this is not normal, acceptable behavior and I am completely baffled by this. Upon hearing that, she has taken the attitude that if they think it's okay then it must be okay and has decided to do nothing about it. I have implored her to seek counseling. In the six months that we have been dealing with this, she has only gone through the interview portion of therapy. She is definitely reluctant to deal with this and this has wreaked havoc on us. Our relationship is on the brink of failure. Her lack of self esteem coupled with the fact that she feels she needs to satisfy everyone else in the world has left me feeling neglected and way down on her priority list. She is so scared of not serving other peoples feelings or needs that she has put them in front of me. There is a laundry list of events that would have sent most people running, but I have tried to stick this out. Her immaturity and insecurities are killing our love. She is so beautiful inside and out yet refuses to see that. A day doesn't pass without her questioning her looks, her brain and our relationship. I love her dearly but I'm at my wits end. Her brother who she claims physically, mentally, sexually, verbally and emotionally abused her is getting married this week. This creep's actions have emotional crippled her yet she feels obligated to go to these events to appease her family. Other than her mom and brother's fiance, no one else knows about the childhood events. It hurts me that she has never held her brother accountable for his actions and the family '"Angel" is allowed to go about his life with zero repercussions while the only lady I love suffers. I can't understand why she chooses to participate in his life and events when he is a big reason she struggles in her own life. Can you imagine how I feel? If the table were turned I think she would be as upset as I am. Yet, she expects me to just deal with it. I feel slighted and slapped in the face. I am left to deal with her emotions and drunkiness on a daily basis. I comfort her when things go bad. My love has become tough love, but I do love her like no other before her. I don't know what else to do. She doesn't realize how much she's hurting me to satisfy her family who didn't seem to ever truly care about her well being. I realize that her childhood issues are hers and that if she is ever going to find happiness that these things need to be dealt with for her sake. Unfortunately, they are damaging our relationship and hurting me in the process. Should I just tolerate this and be hurt while she works on herself? My patience is running thin and I'm not even sure if she is committed to working on herself. Sweeping issues under the rug and hoping they just disappear seems to be a pattern in her life. As you know, that strategy rarely works. I feel like I am simply here to clean up her mess but I want to be her equal partner. I want to be considered. It seems our relationship is so focussed on her issues. So here I am, the man who loves and respects her, begging her to love me in return. I want to feel like I'm the most important person in her life (she claims that I am). Again, I want to be considered. Please help before I lose what I thought was the love of my life. Lately, this seems like hell no love. As the days get closer to the wedding she has been out of control. It seems to be a sign that she doesn't want to read. Being lost and in love with someone who doesn't love themselves is just being lost. On my knees...
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Unfortunately, you have placed yourself in too great a role in this relationship. This situation is not a personal affront to you -- it's an indication of how damaged she is, and she cannot put you first. She doesn't put herself first! Why would you be any different? If you want the role of an enabler -- play it, but don't complain. If you want the role of martyr, play it, and don't complain. If you want the role of savior, play it, and don't complain But if you want to be in a relationship with a secure woman who can move your life forward, rather than dragging one foot in the past, you need to end this relationship with her. You are not her parent, although you behave like one. Her parents are awful people, plain and simple. But that is not your burden to carry. Of course it's absurd for a mother and her brother's fiance to tell her it's normal for a brother to molest a sister. On what planet do they live? I know this kind of thing happens in families, but I also know it damages lives. We don't live in the Dark Ages. This is not pagan Rome where emperors have a bevy of 10 year-old boys at their disposal and it's "what they do." This is not acceptable behavior in our society, and that's all there is to it. But she is a slave to this family, and a people "pleaser" at your expense and her own (typical pattern in this case). That said, you have allowed it, and your love for her becomes secondary to the problems related to it. She needs help, she refuses to get it, and there is nothing more you can do. I certainly wouldn't attend the wedding if I were you. But the fact that she is, speaks volumes. My heart breaks for her, and I know you love her -- and that's why it pains me to almost seem cruel over your situation. But you can't fix her, no matter your valiant attempt at trying -- however, if you don't save yourself, you have no one to blame. . . here it comes, but you! Stand firm, and do what you know needs to be done. As an aside, I knew a woman who had an ongoing sexual relationship with her brother (started in childhood). He ended up to be an attorney, a powerful legislator in his community and, a judge! And where did she end up? An alcoholic who hangs on by a thread.
