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Is This Marriage A mistake?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 05/18/2010
- Relationships - Men
Dear
Miss Emily,
Years ago, while in high school, I dated one girl who made me the happiest I had ever been. I am aware that she was my first love and I was young with no responsibilities. I have read plenty of articles on getting over your ex, I'm 30 now, and she was over 14 years ago! I was the one who broke up with her. Again, I was young and naive. Four years, ago, I met a woman who was amazing to me and I knew that I would marry her. She had a 3 year old boy from a prior relationship. We were together for 2 years prior to getting married. I find myself today looking at our relationship, and I know I am not happy. I may be depressed. I thought I could love her son as a child of my own, but I can't and I told her that today. I thought I could be a good father to this child but I cannot bring myself to do so. He is a great boy but I lack any connection with him at all. My father was non existent growing up and only reared his head once every few years. We do not have a good relationship because I resent him for not being there, for our family, growing up. I do not see my wife as my partner anymore. I do not think we are compatible, and I know we both have very different goals in life. I am heavily focused on my career and planning for a future. She is a very sweet person and would give anything for anyone -- but when it comes to a career or financial matters, she is lacking. To summarize, and get to my question, I still think about my ex from high school even after 14 years. I cannot love my wife's son, but I do want a family, one day. I do not think she can love me the way I need to be loved, and our goals are very different. I know her, and she will do anything to make it work, I can't say the same. Please help me make some sense of my life and what I should do.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
Perhaps you are having trouble being a parent to her child because of the loving feelings you lack for his mother. As well, your father was pretty much a no-show, and there may be some association with that. This all leads me to believe you need counseling. I don't often recommend it because, if people come to me, therapy is either off the table completely (often for financial reasons) or the person wants a magic wand solution. You can go alone, and without the knowledge of your spouse if you choose the therapy route. I think the girl from the past, and she was a girl, then, comes to mind because it captured a moment in time that was great fun, and life seemed simpler -- free of the burdens of adulthood. Now you are thirty. You're not sure you made the right decision in marrying your wife, and making up your mind that you cannot be a father to her son allows you to keep your distance and present mindset. That said, you can't stay with someone you truly do not love. It would be unfair to her, and the longer you wait to leave, the more difficult the break. But again, I caution you to see a doctor, perhaps get on an anti-depressant and seek counseling only if it's for a brief period. You don't want to make a hasty decision when it affects so many lives. Your present wife is owed your best effort. As a final thought: Call me suspicious, but have you and your high school sweetheart already had contact with each other, say on Facebook?
Years ago, while in high school, I dated one girl who made me the happiest I had ever been. I am aware that she was my first love and I was young with no responsibilities. I have read plenty of articles on getting over your ex, I'm 30 now, and she was over 14 years ago! I was the one who broke up with her. Again, I was young and naive. Four years, ago, I met a woman who was amazing to me and I knew that I would marry her. She had a 3 year old boy from a prior relationship. We were together for 2 years prior to getting married. I find myself today looking at our relationship, and I know I am not happy. I may be depressed. I thought I could love her son as a child of my own, but I can't and I told her that today. I thought I could be a good father to this child but I cannot bring myself to do so. He is a great boy but I lack any connection with him at all. My father was non existent growing up and only reared his head once every few years. We do not have a good relationship because I resent him for not being there, for our family, growing up. I do not see my wife as my partner anymore. I do not think we are compatible, and I know we both have very different goals in life. I am heavily focused on my career and planning for a future. She is a very sweet person and would give anything for anyone -- but when it comes to a career or financial matters, she is lacking. To summarize, and get to my question, I still think about my ex from high school even after 14 years. I cannot love my wife's son, but I do want a family, one day. I do not think she can love me the way I need to be loved, and our goals are very different. I know her, and she will do anything to make it work, I can't say the same. Please help me make some sense of my life and what I should do.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
Perhaps you are having trouble being a parent to her child because of the loving feelings you lack for his mother. As well, your father was pretty much a no-show, and there may be some association with that. This all leads me to believe you need counseling. I don't often recommend it because, if people come to me, therapy is either off the table completely (often for financial reasons) or the person wants a magic wand solution. You can go alone, and without the knowledge of your spouse if you choose the therapy route. I think the girl from the past, and she was a girl, then, comes to mind because it captured a moment in time that was great fun, and life seemed simpler -- free of the burdens of adulthood. Now you are thirty. You're not sure you made the right decision in marrying your wife, and making up your mind that you cannot be a father to her son allows you to keep your distance and present mindset. That said, you can't stay with someone you truly do not love. It would be unfair to her, and the longer you wait to leave, the more difficult the break. But again, I caution you to see a doctor, perhaps get on an anti-depressant and seek counseling only if it's for a brief period. You don't want to make a hasty decision when it affects so many lives. Your present wife is owed your best effort. As a final thought: Call me suspicious, but have you and your high school sweetheart already had contact with each other, say on Facebook?
