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Ex MIA In Her Hour Of Need
- By Miss Emily
- Published 05/11/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I recently (three months ago) got out of a relationship with my fiance of four years. We love each other, and the break up wasn't over anything major like cheating, but we definitely have problems communicating. I love him very much, and was prepared to spend my life with him, but things were just not working then and I needed to get my head straight. Shortly after the break-up, I was feeling suicidal. I called up my ex for help, and although he called someone to check on me, he refused to come out and see me. I emphasized it was just because I needed someone there as my friend, and I wasn't going to talk to him about the relationship, but he still didn't come. Well, another friend of ours did. Short end of it, the friend and I aren't seeing each other, but we are definitely in the beginnings of a relationship. And, of course, now my ex wants me back. He has apologized for not being there when I needed him most, saying he had thought it was best to leave me alone and now sees it was a mistake. I still love him, but I'm not sure I want to take him back. Essentially, he abandon me when I needed him, and I am of the mindset that when someone is suicidal, you be there for them no matter what. He wasn't. On top of that, I have another man in my life who would get hurt if I went back to my ex, and it's a horrible way to pay him back for being there for me. So what do I do? Do I go with the ex I know I love, I know I want to spend my life with, but who has hurt me really badly? Or do I go with the less certain relationship, where the feelings could just be new relationship vibes, but who has consistantly been there for me? Thank you for your advice!
--------------------------Ask Miss Emily-----------------------
The lack of communication that you mentioned as the reason for your initial break-up, has not really been settled, has it? The fact he could not be there for you when you needed him speaks volumes. I have a forgiving heart, but I'm like you, and this would eat at me unless I was absolutely sure he thought he made the biggest mistake of his life by turning away during my hour of need. After four years together, he should have come without hesitation. I don't buy his explanation that he thought leaving you alone was best. Since when is that protocol for someone who is suicidal? Have you and he been to couples counseling? This is the only thing I would consider doing before even thinking about going back to him. That way, you can hash out your communication issues and also try to understand why he abandon you in your hour of need. You initiated the break-up, and perhaps he felt it was payback. But that was a harsh way to play tit-for-tat, and does not speak well of him. That said, the guy who is giving his all to you does not deserve a rebound-type relationship; however, he is an adult and as long as you are honest with him, he can make his own decision if he wants to risk getting more involved. Yes, he was there for you and stood out as your savior when the ex would not, but he will need to be more to you than that if you were to pursue a serious relationship with him. All this is food for thought, but as I often say, "act in haste, repent in leisure." I'm here for you if you want to explore this in more depth.
I recently (three months ago) got out of a relationship with my fiance of four years. We love each other, and the break up wasn't over anything major like cheating, but we definitely have problems communicating. I love him very much, and was prepared to spend my life with him, but things were just not working then and I needed to get my head straight. Shortly after the break-up, I was feeling suicidal. I called up my ex for help, and although he called someone to check on me, he refused to come out and see me. I emphasized it was just because I needed someone there as my friend, and I wasn't going to talk to him about the relationship, but he still didn't come. Well, another friend of ours did. Short end of it, the friend and I aren't seeing each other, but we are definitely in the beginnings of a relationship. And, of course, now my ex wants me back. He has apologized for not being there when I needed him most, saying he had thought it was best to leave me alone and now sees it was a mistake. I still love him, but I'm not sure I want to take him back. Essentially, he abandon me when I needed him, and I am of the mindset that when someone is suicidal, you be there for them no matter what. He wasn't. On top of that, I have another man in my life who would get hurt if I went back to my ex, and it's a horrible way to pay him back for being there for me. So what do I do? Do I go with the ex I know I love, I know I want to spend my life with, but who has hurt me really badly? Or do I go with the less certain relationship, where the feelings could just be new relationship vibes, but who has consistantly been there for me? Thank you for your advice!
--------------------------Ask Miss Emily-----------------------
The lack of communication that you mentioned as the reason for your initial break-up, has not really been settled, has it? The fact he could not be there for you when you needed him speaks volumes. I have a forgiving heart, but I'm like you, and this would eat at me unless I was absolutely sure he thought he made the biggest mistake of his life by turning away during my hour of need. After four years together, he should have come without hesitation. I don't buy his explanation that he thought leaving you alone was best. Since when is that protocol for someone who is suicidal? Have you and he been to couples counseling? This is the only thing I would consider doing before even thinking about going back to him. That way, you can hash out your communication issues and also try to understand why he abandon you in your hour of need. You initiated the break-up, and perhaps he felt it was payback. But that was a harsh way to play tit-for-tat, and does not speak well of him. That said, the guy who is giving his all to you does not deserve a rebound-type relationship; however, he is an adult and as long as you are honest with him, he can make his own decision if he wants to risk getting more involved. Yes, he was there for you and stood out as your savior when the ex would not, but he will need to be more to you than that if you were to pursue a serious relationship with him. All this is food for thought, but as I often say, "act in haste, repent in leisure." I'm here for you if you want to explore this in more depth.
