Dear Emily,

Recently my boyfriend (21) broke up with me (20) because he can't deal with his insecurities and a past mistake that I made before we had started dating (I was casually dating both him and his fraternity brother). He said he has forgiven me countless times,  but he still can't let it go and he brings it up all the time. We've been apart for a few weeks now, and in this time he's wanted to work things out and realized that he needs me, and how much he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but, then, 4 times told me he figures there's no point to trying.  I want to help him through this, and he says he does want to be with me -- but he says he just doesn't know where to go from here, and how he can trust me, and how we can fix this. I'm willing to do anything. We both want to be together, but he can't let go of the past. Beside this problem, when we were together we were both extremely happy. How can we go over this mountain of a problem together and flourish?

----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
I don't understand the problem if you dated him, and a frat brother, when you two weren't officially together. How does he see it -- that you were duplicitous? You went behind his back?  He's the one with the problem, in my opinion -- unless you tell me more, and there truly was a huge infraction on your part. He can't let this go, but also says he needs and loves you -- all the while continuing to punish you by playing the role of the victim? Now we know who invented the word "payback."  If it were me, I'd tell him to get over it --  and on his own because, apparently, you are the source of the problem (in his eyes) and nothing you say or do makes this situation any better. He needs to let his false pride take a vacation and move forward without dragging that wounded heart through the past. It's a useless effort, he should know it, and this needs to be worked out rationally. That said, he seems delayed in this area and I'm not sure if he'll ever get this figured out in his head. Trust is an important part of any good relationship, but the persistent drama around this trust issue seems absurd to me.