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- Need For Balance In this Teen Relationship
Need For Balance In this Teen Relationship
- By Miss Emily
- Published 05/8/2010
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily,
I am a 19 year old guy, and my girlfriend is 17. We started dating the beginning of my junior year, and had some complications, but are back together now. I've been with my her for going on 6 months this time, and I dated her for a year and 1 month and then we broke up for five months. We broke up the first time, because I was so clingy and jealous, and I had a lot of uncontrollable anger the first time we dated. I really love her to death, ,and I loved her when we were together the first time. She told me today, that she feels like she is growing up too fast, because I like for her to stay with me a lot, and I really try to avoid being the way I was the first time, because the loss the first time really hurt me. This weekend she stayed all weekend, and yesterday she told me that she felt like she was growing up too fast. She says non of her friends even get to spend the night with their boyfriends, and she feels like she is already married to me. She told me she does NOT want to break up, or leave me and she does love me. She doesnt do too well at explaining her feelings to me, and I am having trouble understanding where this is going. I love her to death, and her parents even let me live there for about 4 months after I graduated. I just need some advice on how to handle the whole situation. One thing I do have to say is our relationship has never been a "regular boyfriend/ girlfriend type of relationship. From thr first day we started dating the first time, we've seen each other every day, for 8 months straight, and I spent the night with her all the time, and we are a very serious couple. It does in a way feel like we are married, and I do have to admit, that on her part she feels married, because she always ask me before she does things, and stuff like that. I just need advice before it's too late. I don't want to lose her, and she says she is not going anywhere, but she said that the first time too.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I think there's a lot of possessiveness going on in this relationship and, although you are very sweet, I think she feels somewhat helpless in it. It probably is too much "togetherness" for her, and she doesn't like the constraints -- yet feels too weak to change it, and can only talk about it. If you were smart about this, you would tell her that she has a perfect right to stress her desires and you will not be offended -- you only wish for her to feel comfortable with this relationship. And if that means not be joined at the hip so she is free to be who she wants to be, so be it. You will never be able to keep her out of some misguided obligation to you. Tell her ( and mean it), "I hear what you're saying. Give me some idea of how you want to handle our relationship, and I will do everything I can to make it work without any pressure, jealousy, or anger." And live up to these words. You're nineteen, not ten, and by now you know that being pissed off, insecure, and in any way possessive is a turn-off to her. She's seventeen, and she told you how she feels. She wants to express her independence but doesn't know how. Help her with this, and you will be a savior rather than the guy who held her back. If it doesn't work out in your favor, well, you did everything you could to make it work. But you don't own her, and if she ever wants to leave this relationship, or decides it's worth staying for the long-haul, it will be because she used her head to make the decision. And that's how it should be.
I am a 19 year old guy, and my girlfriend is 17. We started dating the beginning of my junior year, and had some complications, but are back together now. I've been with my her for going on 6 months this time, and I dated her for a year and 1 month and then we broke up for five months. We broke up the first time, because I was so clingy and jealous, and I had a lot of uncontrollable anger the first time we dated. I really love her to death, ,and I loved her when we were together the first time. She told me today, that she feels like she is growing up too fast, because I like for her to stay with me a lot, and I really try to avoid being the way I was the first time, because the loss the first time really hurt me. This weekend she stayed all weekend, and yesterday she told me that she felt like she was growing up too fast. She says non of her friends even get to spend the night with their boyfriends, and she feels like she is already married to me. She told me she does NOT want to break up, or leave me and she does love me. She doesnt do too well at explaining her feelings to me, and I am having trouble understanding where this is going. I love her to death, and her parents even let me live there for about 4 months after I graduated. I just need some advice on how to handle the whole situation. One thing I do have to say is our relationship has never been a "regular boyfriend/ girlfriend type of relationship. From thr first day we started dating the first time, we've seen each other every day, for 8 months straight, and I spent the night with her all the time, and we are a very serious couple. It does in a way feel like we are married, and I do have to admit, that on her part she feels married, because she always ask me before she does things, and stuff like that. I just need advice before it's too late. I don't want to lose her, and she says she is not going anywhere, but she said that the first time too.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I think there's a lot of possessiveness going on in this relationship and, although you are very sweet, I think she feels somewhat helpless in it. It probably is too much "togetherness" for her, and she doesn't like the constraints -- yet feels too weak to change it, and can only talk about it. If you were smart about this, you would tell her that she has a perfect right to stress her desires and you will not be offended -- you only wish for her to feel comfortable with this relationship. And if that means not be joined at the hip so she is free to be who she wants to be, so be it. You will never be able to keep her out of some misguided obligation to you. Tell her ( and mean it), "I hear what you're saying. Give me some idea of how you want to handle our relationship, and I will do everything I can to make it work without any pressure, jealousy, or anger." And live up to these words. You're nineteen, not ten, and by now you know that being pissed off, insecure, and in any way possessive is a turn-off to her. She's seventeen, and she told you how she feels. She wants to express her independence but doesn't know how. Help her with this, and you will be a savior rather than the guy who held her back. If it doesn't work out in your favor, well, you did everything you could to make it work. But you don't own her, and if she ever wants to leave this relationship, or decides it's worth staying for the long-haul, it will be because she used her head to make the decision. And that's how it should be.
