Published on 04/12/2010

Dear Miss Emily:

I have been married for 10 years now. About 4 years, ago, I had an affair with a co-worker that resulted in pregnancy. When my wife found out, she did not want to live in the state we were living in any longer. So we moved. The child will be 3 years old in June. I have never met this child...I do receive an occasional picture though. I also provide monetary support on a consistent basis. My issue is...I want to be in my child's life...my does not want me involved with him. If I attempt to be involved with this child, she will leave and I have 2 other children in my home. The other child has a father figure in his life and he is doing great without even knowing that I exist. I love my family and I dont want to lose them. Should I enter my childs life is basically what I want to know? I am a great father with my other two children and I want to be a great father to my other child also. I dont like the way that my wife has me backed into a corner. I understand that its hard for her to deal with, but I feel like if she stayed, then she should accept my other child. The

mother of my 3 year old does want me to be a part of his life. She has been very patient. She has a great man in her life but she says my son needs his biological father, too. What should I do?

---------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------------

In my opinion, I think your wife is being unreasonable because your child does exist, and he's not going to leave your mind or break your paternal attachment to him by demanding it be so, or giving ultimatums. If you were to continue to go along with her demands, the resentment will build, it will take a tremendous toll on your marriage and, more than likely, end it in divorce. Whatever choice you make could bring the same result. Of course, trying to work this out with the help of a family and marriage counselor would be the best way to handle this major conflict, but I get the feeling your wife would prefer to live in a world of denial than face this issue head-on. It might be wise for you to seek counsel, either with or without her knowledge before you take any action. Your decision isn't easy, but part of being a responsible adult is accepting the consequences of your actions. I have my doubts that your wife would follow through and leave if you were to take part in your son's life. It would seem fruitless, and possibly detrimental to her own family. I get it, it was a terrible blow to her to find out you were not only unfaithful to her, but had a child with this woman. However, she should not punish your child in order to punish you for something no one can go back and change. I hope I was of some help.