Dear Miss Emily:

OK the background story. My friend and I had recently started dating. We were seeing each other for 8 weeks. My previous relationship had just ended, and I was actually still sharing the house (not the room, I was in the spare) with my ex gf and her sister and looking to move out, which I did. The thing is that I selfishly tried to protect my own heart, and assumed my new friend's reaction, by lying to her saying I was actually living with friends. As you can imagine, this eventually all came out, and we broke up because I'd obviously obliterated the trust she had shared with me. I went away and really looked at my actions and returned a more positive, and powerful spirit; promising my new friend patience, respect and love (that had actually never faded). Since then, we have started dating again and we're doing really well. We both feel strong and happy. However, her mates have been discussing the previous situation over and had advised her of their opinions. Now she doesn't tell them that we are dating, again, and avoids questions about it or makes stuff up. I know she hates lying. and never does so this in turn hurts me because I know I am the cause. Now she heads to friends' events (bbq's, parties, etc) without me. On top of the secrecy, this makes me feel that she is ashamed of our relationship, even though we share amazing times and blessings of love when we're together. Why else would she desire to turn up to these events alone? My question is, (and I probably already know the answer) how do I discuss this with her gently, without her feeling like I'm impatient or co-dependent? I'm a strong and good man, and have faith in our beatiful relationship, but I feel this is damaging it by reintroducing mistrust and denial. Any advice would be wonderful. Thank you :)

-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

Sadly, what she's doing is the same thing you did when you first lied to her. You risked losing her, which you did for a while, and she thinks she risks the respect she has with her friends if she were to cop to seeing you, again. Both scenarios smack of gutlessness. A strong, confident individual stands behind the decisions he, or she makes, with apologies to none! Maybe her belief is that time is what makes the difference in admitting you are back in her life, but there has to be a shelf life for that thinking. Right now you're like the mistress -- a guilty pleasure that cannot be shared with anyone. If you're going to have a quality relationship with trust and openness, there should be no hiding your relationship from anyone. By doing it, others are pulling the strings of your lives, and that is done without a rational defense. She's not ashamed of your relationship per se, she's embarrassed that she's human, and has the capacity to forgive. Those are good qualities, despite her seeing them as weaknesses of character. Talk to her about this, and come to some workable agreement; or each of your lack of courage will continue to rear its ugly head, again, and that will be the, ultimate, demise of this relationship.