Dear Miss Emily:
I was recently married, back in October 2010, and was dating him for 5
years before we got married. Our relationship has been up and down for
those 5 years, such as: whenever things get tough, or there is an
argument he takes extreme steps. He's moved out of the house a total of 3
times, now, and we have broken up 3 times. Out of the 3 times he's moved
out, it was because he is addicted to porn/
web-caming. We would argue about it, and he always denied it -- only to find out that he actually
did it. He usually confesses after he realizes that he misses me and wants back in. I've let him back in my life three times after he
agreed to therapy (he did this after our 2
nd
breakup). After the therapy, everything was great. We got married and,
then, one day in August 2011, the girls had a fight (he has a 7 year old,
and I have a 12 year old). He argued with me about the situation with
the kids then, the next thing you know it, he was asking for a divorce
and moved out -- once again. That was the 4
th
time. He can leave so easily, it's really crazy! Now 5 months later, he wants back
in. He texts me saying that he loves me and misses me, but yet I find
out that he has "been with" couples sexually, and lots more that I'm
embarrassed to say, but it's not my lifestyle, I told him that, I'm a
simple woman looking for my soul mate, and my one true love. He says
he's done with the porn and that he wants me back, and I'm
actually considering it. Mind you, he doesn't want to move back in with
me, he just wants us to try again, 'cause he can't seem to picture
himself growing old with anyone but me. Of course, there is more to
this story, but this is the short version. Am I out of my mind even
considering getting back with him since he broke our vows, my trust,
and my heart so many times? I've never ever let a man do this to me
before, so this is really new to me....please help.
----------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------
His behavior is absurdly erratic, and I wonder if he has some deep psychological problems that go way beyond the therapy he had for his porno addiction (although that seemed to, ultimately, fail).
It could easily be compared to the alcoholic who falls off the wagon,
only to "find God", again, and swear he (or she) is off the sauce for good. In my
opinion, I think going back to him would be a huge mistake. You and he
have an emotional dependency on each other, but it isn't healthy -- and
that's an understatement. You've been batted around like a softball, he
has radical mood swings, yet each of you has the "hope springs eternal"
mindset when it comes to this relationship. Before I would ever consider taking
him
back (please don't - pretty please?), I think you
need to get to therapy and figure out why, a "simple woman", like
yourself, would ever put up with a man who offers nothing more than
knee-jerk, and inconsistent behavior, yet thaws your heart with empty
words about spending the rest of his life with you. I think it's very
possible that he has a sex addict (among other psychological "issues"), but
uses you as a stabilizing force in his life when he feels he needs to
reel himself back in. And once you were to take him back into your life, (yet, again), I
firmly believe nothing will have changed. This man is not your
soul-mate. He's a thorn in your side that you refuse to remove for good.
