Dear Miss Emily:
My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have 3 children
with our fourth on the way (due 8/2012). I recently found out that he
had a one-night stand with a girl around September of last year. She
had a baby in June, and she is now taking my husband to court for child
support, etc. He has taken the DNA test, but we do not yet know the
results. I am trying to keep our family together, but I'm not sure I
can stay with him if there is another child involved. I don't know what
to do.
----------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------
I recently had a letter like
this not long ago. This couple wasn't married, but lived together with
their child. He also had "a one night stand" and the "stand" claimed it
was his. Well, the DNA test proved otherwise. I would think this is a
pretty harsh reality check for your husband, and let's hope for your
sake, and his that he's not the father. That's a bitter pill to swallow
if this cheating was just one horrible lapse in judgment. I am amazed
he was so careless. You've having your fourth child with him, and he
shouldn't be ignorant as to how a woman gets pregnant. Foolish man. Of course,
that doesn't take away from the fact he was unfaithful, but I don't
think you want to throw this marriage to the dogs without trying
everything you can to work it out -- and that will probably include marriage counseling
to prevent you and he from getting into the anger, and accusation mode
that can send a union down the tubes faster than anything else. There's no
doubt he has to help support this child if it's his, and that could put
a financial damper on your household. But if you love him, and think
there's anything worth salvaging in your marriage, I would try working
that out, first, even if this is his child. Yes, that child
would be a constant reminder of his cheating, but that's not going to
leave your mind if you split up with him. You'll have 4 kids together,
and he'd be obligated to pay child support to you, too, unless you were
willing to work out equal custody rights. Unless he has a lot of free
time on his hands, that's not going to work. And so my suggestion is
this: You need to be strong for your unborn baby's sake, and your other
children. This is
an opportunity for you and your husband to create a new bond, even
knowing what you know, and see if you can find it in your heart to
forgive him this one lousy indiscretion.
If this child is his, and you find you cannot abide it, that's when you
make the decision to end your marriage. Keep an alternate plan in mind,
but do not make that the centerpiece of you marriage now. Children
usually do better when both parents are under the same roof. That said,
if it becomes an impossible situation for you, leaving is your only
choice rather than endlessly suffer from his lack of fidelity.
