Dear Miss Emily:

I'm married, love my wife, but the attraction is gone. I met someone new, and I'm thinking about her a lot. I have not cheated but want to. If I leave wife, I will crush her, as well as my, and her family.  I don't know if I can deal with everyone hating me. But I don't want to let this new person go. I have not cheated on my wife, but I am always looking at other women and really wanting. I'm 40...I should not have these 16 year old problems. I've been with wife for 14 years, married for 6. So what is the best advice?

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
Of course, attraction is an important part of a marriage (any relationship for that matter) but it's only one component. In these sixteen years, you should have developed a devotion, trust, respect, and a working partnership that informs you when temptation  rears its head, you can say no to it. Now, that said, if in your heart you feel this relationship has truly run its course, worrying about how you're going to be perceived if you were to leave is something you'll have to accept. It's all part of the messy aftermath of living your life as you choose. You have that right, and there's nothing more emotionally draining than being in a marriage where you feel like you're living with a loving sister (or brother) if you want more. That's the "dying on the vine" syndrome, and you're only 40! The haunting thought I think you might have is that, one day, you'll regret leaving your wife. If you were to leave, and have a relationship with this woman, were it to go south, you've burned your bridges and, then, where do you go from there? You didn't mention children, but that too is a concern. Think long and hard about this before you make a move. It is a serious one, and the choice you make has profound consequences. If you were to have an affair, that gets dicey because of the lying, the changes in your appearance --  and a spring in your step you hope your wife doesn't see; yet she will, no doubt. The time on the Internet, and the secretive cell phone calls, and text messages are dead giveaways. The heat of passion clouds the brain. It all depends on precision, and things go wrong because it's human nature to screw up. Again, a choice. If I were you, I would secretly find time to visit a counselor to get your feelings laid out on the table. As I said, this is too important not to take this to the finite, if it's possible. Your wife will be hurt, when, or if you end the marriage. But you can't stay in one that spells nothing but companionship at your age. That's for old people.


Thanks