Dear Miss Emily:
Hi. I have been in a relationship for a year and half now. I have
known my boyfriend for two years. We live together and have a close,
loving, great relationship. Only problem is his ex. He was with her
for 3 years and were broken up a year before we met. She really did a
number on him and put him through the ringer. When we met, he avoided
getting too involved until he
realized he'd lose me. His ex recently had a baby and contacted him. They've been emailing
thru facebook
since. Not everyday -- maybe once a month. Now she's calling him claiming she's lonely, wants me to be her friend too. I don't think
she's
manipulative...not
smart enough, and just out there. She comments on our pics. She is
just always in our business. When I bring it up he says "I can't
control her" or "she doesn't mean any harm". He left his
fb
page up one night and I snooped. (I know I shouldn't but I'm human).
She had emailed him she was sorry for "being a dick" in their past and
was glad he was happy. She blamed it on alcohol and then sent lyrics to
their song. (She is in a committed relationship
btw). He thanked her for the apology...said that would always be "their song...don't tell my girlfriend. H
a ha."
Then he said "I will ALWAYS love you, and miss you tons. Would like to all
be friends." Does that mean he still loves her? Should I be worried?
It has made me paranoid and obsessed. We share same phone plan. He
hasn't called or
texted
her. He doesn't know I read their messages but, now, I'm always worried
he's thinking of her or he's just with me because he can't have her. A
little bit about my past . . .my ex left me for his ex who claimed they
were just friends until he got her
pregnant. Anyway, I am not going
thru
that again. We've had fights about her before. When I found a pic of
her in his wallet he barely uses. Or when she calls (he doesn't pick
up). He has deleted her off
fb
for my sake, but she comes back and makes him feel bad. It's getting
old! Should I move on? Appreciate an unbiased opinion. Maybe he
needed to say those things for closure or do I need a reality check?
----------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------
If you're
in a loving relationship with this man, he should have no problem
cutting his ex out of his life. What he said in that e-mail to her was
completely out of line, and he would turn beet red if he thought you had
seen it. And yes he can control his correspondence with her. He can
stop it completely. Whether he does it by not responding to her
missives, or to tell her outright, "I'm in a relationship with a woman I
love. I wish you all the best, but it's time to end our relationship."
If he can't do that, I don't know whether he still has strong feelings
for her, or he's a wimp who has a thing for nostalgia. Either way, that
doesn't help your situation. If the tables were reversed, I think he
would take umbrage
with
it. You're under no obligation to be this woman's friend, nor is he. If
she's lonely, she should seek out new friends without having to dip
back into a past love relationship. And screw any wanting of closure. All he had to say was "I forgive you," period! You are kind to think she's not smart enough to be
manipulative, but the criterion for wanting control over a situation
does not require a high I.Q., and you'd be naive to think otherwise. I
would get this settled to your satisfaction, or come to terms with the
fact that, no matter how little correspondence he has with her, he said
he will always love her and misses her tons. It's insulting to you, and
duplicitous to my way of thinking.
