Abusive Dad Now Wants Hand-out
- By Miss Emily
- Published 11/28/2011
- General
Dear Miss Emily
I am currently 28 years old. I am finally finishing my B. Sc. I did so by working through two community colleges and joined the reserves to finish my last two years at a state school. Nothing in my life has been "given" to me. I guess you can say it has been the school of hard knocks, so to speak. My father is a completely dysfunctional alcoholic who was, when I was growing up, both physically and verbally abusive. As such, I left at 18. My folks have since divorced, and my father, who is now 61, is broke. He shows up to my place with not two cents to rub together needing help. This has been going on for at least 3 years. I have a lot on my plate. I have no extra money, I'm staring at my first deployment next may, and I'm in a longterm relationship for the last 3 years and will get married. I have also sent out my applications to law schools for when I get back from overseas. What am I suppose to do? I do not want my father to freeze in the streets. I cannot choose my father, and I have long since forgiven his behavior from when I was growing up. I can't let him live with me, I can only give him so much money, but I do not want to shun him. I feel some sort of responsibility for him even though I am fully aware that it was his poor life decisions that have led him to a homeless situation with no money in the winter. What would you do? I am out of time, out of finances, and am trying to keep everything together just enough until the end of the semester so that I can graduate and go on to the next stage of my life. (deployment then law school).
-------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
You're right, you can't take care of your father, and you do have a lot on your plate. As well, you have every right to a good life. You have earned it through blood, sweat and tears. Before leaving for deployment, do your best to find out any local services, or welfare programs that can help your father and give him the information. Do not, and I repeat, do not give him money you do not have to give, and do not let him lay a guilt trip on you. You will be deployed in May and, hopefully, giving up your apartment. While you are deployed, no doubt you will find out where you are going to law school. Decide then if you want to reconnect with your father and, if so, on what level, and what boundaries you will set with him. And remain firm. Of course, it all depends on where you live, and whether you even know where he is at that time. To not want to see him, in any capacity, in my opinion, would be a reasonable choice. It's a sad thought to think of your father ending up homeless, but you can't live your father's life for him, and you have done what you can to help for the last three years. If you let him back into your life with any consistency, your future in law school, and with a new wife will be in jeopardy. You will, essentially, be forfeiting your right to be happy and live a healthy and contented life. It may seem callous, but you need to choose yourself, or your father will make your life a living hell if you let him. He did it in the past, and it's more than likely he would do it in the future. It's a sad choice, I know. You have forgiven your dad for the abuse, and you have a big heart. But, please, do not feel guilty for choosing your life over you dad's. You paid a huge price being his son, and it has to stop now.
I am currently 28 years old. I am finally finishing my B. Sc. I did so by working through two community colleges and joined the reserves to finish my last two years at a state school. Nothing in my life has been "given" to me. I guess you can say it has been the school of hard knocks, so to speak. My father is a completely dysfunctional alcoholic who was, when I was growing up, both physically and verbally abusive. As such, I left at 18. My folks have since divorced, and my father, who is now 61, is broke. He shows up to my place with not two cents to rub together needing help. This has been going on for at least 3 years. I have a lot on my plate. I have no extra money, I'm staring at my first deployment next may, and I'm in a longterm relationship for the last 3 years and will get married. I have also sent out my applications to law schools for when I get back from overseas. What am I suppose to do? I do not want my father to freeze in the streets. I cannot choose my father, and I have long since forgiven his behavior from when I was growing up. I can't let him live with me, I can only give him so much money, but I do not want to shun him. I feel some sort of responsibility for him even though I am fully aware that it was his poor life decisions that have led him to a homeless situation with no money in the winter. What would you do? I am out of time, out of finances, and am trying to keep everything together just enough until the end of the semester so that I can graduate and go on to the next stage of my life. (deployment then law school).
-------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
You're right, you can't take care of your father, and you do have a lot on your plate. As well, you have every right to a good life. You have earned it through blood, sweat and tears. Before leaving for deployment, do your best to find out any local services, or welfare programs that can help your father and give him the information. Do not, and I repeat, do not give him money you do not have to give, and do not let him lay a guilt trip on you. You will be deployed in May and, hopefully, giving up your apartment. While you are deployed, no doubt you will find out where you are going to law school. Decide then if you want to reconnect with your father and, if so, on what level, and what boundaries you will set with him. And remain firm. Of course, it all depends on where you live, and whether you even know where he is at that time. To not want to see him, in any capacity, in my opinion, would be a reasonable choice. It's a sad thought to think of your father ending up homeless, but you can't live your father's life for him, and you have done what you can to help for the last three years. If you let him back into your life with any consistency, your future in law school, and with a new wife will be in jeopardy. You will, essentially, be forfeiting your right to be happy and live a healthy and contented life. It may seem callous, but you need to choose yourself, or your father will make your life a living hell if you let him. He did it in the past, and it's more than likely he would do it in the future. It's a sad choice, I know. You have forgiven your dad for the abuse, and you have a big heart. But, please, do not feel guilty for choosing your life over you dad's. You paid a huge price being his son, and it has to stop now.
