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Too Soon To Take Back Troubled Boyfriend
- By Miss Emily
- Published 11/20/2011
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily,
I am a 17 year old female. I broke up with my bf in August because I was so fed up with him. A week after I broke up with him he got locked up for 6 months. I have been writing to him and we talked about our relationship, and we decided to give it another chance and make things work. He gets out in January, and it would have been 1 year November 6th. I can really say I love him and truly miss him, and we have been through a lot together. I got into a lot of problems with my parents, and things got really bad with them. But my parents and I are doing really well, now, and they have learned to trust me. I don't want to lose their trust again. Yesterday, I got a letter from my x bf and he asked me what I though about him, and if I really wanted to be with him. He said he felt that he messed up with me and my parents' relationship, and if he was really worth the trouble. He told me he wanted me to be honest and tell him the truth about what I felt about us. Then he told me that it would have been our 1 year if I would have never broken up with him and said that it was my decision, not his, so to not put it on him. And then he said, "But I'll take you back anytime." This letter I got from him got me really confused because he knows I love him, and I am not sure how he feels about us. I don't know what he is trying to tell me. I'm scared that he doesn't want us to get back together, and I have been waiting a really long time for him. There's only 2 more months until he gets out of detention, and it's hard to talk to him about us through a letter because there's a lot we have to talk about. Its not easy writing it all down in a letter. What should I do? His questions got me wondering if he is doubting our relationship. We have been through so much together, and I don't know why he would ask me these things.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
You broke up with him for legitimate reasons. A week later, he goes to Juvenile Hall (you didn't mention why), and it's premature to think this will work out, again, at this point. Letters to, and from jail often come from a place in the heart where sentimentality pours out easily. You might have felt sorry for him, and/or remember the good times, and he needs the attention. But now he's close to getting out, he may wonder how strong is your commitment and wants the reassurance it's heartfelt. He's keenly aware of your parents' opinion of him, and they won't be happy with your continued involvement with him. You've spent valuable time rebuilding trust with them, and that's going to go out the window if you jump the gun on getting back with him right away. I feel you made a mistake by telling him this, rather than take it a day at a time to see if there's anything to salvage. I know how "bad boys" are tempting, but they are often screw ups who can't get their lives in order no matter who loves them. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the jury is out on whether he's turned his life around in these few short months. And if he hasn't, well, you'll break up with him for the same reason you said in your letter to me. Act in haste, repent in leisure, is one of my favorite quotes, and you should embrace it too. I'm not saying it won't work, but using your head is the best way to deal with him, and he must show you he has the ability to control his life in ways that count -- and not expect you to pull rabbits out of a hat to make it happen simply because you were willing to take him back.
I am a 17 year old female. I broke up with my bf in August because I was so fed up with him. A week after I broke up with him he got locked up for 6 months. I have been writing to him and we talked about our relationship, and we decided to give it another chance and make things work. He gets out in January, and it would have been 1 year November 6th. I can really say I love him and truly miss him, and we have been through a lot together. I got into a lot of problems with my parents, and things got really bad with them. But my parents and I are doing really well, now, and they have learned to trust me. I don't want to lose their trust again. Yesterday, I got a letter from my x bf and he asked me what I though about him, and if I really wanted to be with him. He said he felt that he messed up with me and my parents' relationship, and if he was really worth the trouble. He told me he wanted me to be honest and tell him the truth about what I felt about us. Then he told me that it would have been our 1 year if I would have never broken up with him and said that it was my decision, not his, so to not put it on him. And then he said, "But I'll take you back anytime." This letter I got from him got me really confused because he knows I love him, and I am not sure how he feels about us. I don't know what he is trying to tell me. I'm scared that he doesn't want us to get back together, and I have been waiting a really long time for him. There's only 2 more months until he gets out of detention, and it's hard to talk to him about us through a letter because there's a lot we have to talk about. Its not easy writing it all down in a letter. What should I do? His questions got me wondering if he is doubting our relationship. We have been through so much together, and I don't know why he would ask me these things.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
You broke up with him for legitimate reasons. A week later, he goes to Juvenile Hall (you didn't mention why), and it's premature to think this will work out, again, at this point. Letters to, and from jail often come from a place in the heart where sentimentality pours out easily. You might have felt sorry for him, and/or remember the good times, and he needs the attention. But now he's close to getting out, he may wonder how strong is your commitment and wants the reassurance it's heartfelt. He's keenly aware of your parents' opinion of him, and they won't be happy with your continued involvement with him. You've spent valuable time rebuilding trust with them, and that's going to go out the window if you jump the gun on getting back with him right away. I feel you made a mistake by telling him this, rather than take it a day at a time to see if there's anything to salvage. I know how "bad boys" are tempting, but they are often screw ups who can't get their lives in order no matter who loves them. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the jury is out on whether he's turned his life around in these few short months. And if he hasn't, well, you'll break up with him for the same reason you said in your letter to me. Act in haste, repent in leisure, is one of my favorite quotes, and you should embrace it too. I'm not saying it won't work, but using your head is the best way to deal with him, and he must show you he has the ability to control his life in ways that count -- and not expect you to pull rabbits out of a hat to make it happen simply because you were willing to take him back.
