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The Need To Walk Away From An Abusive Relationship
- By Miss Emily
- Published 11/17/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year; although it feels like it has been a lot longer than that. For the past few months (I'd say most of the time we've been together), we've been verbally and, sometimes, physically abusive to each other. It all starts with a snide comment (or even just plain negativity) from my boyfriend about something really STUPID -- like a t v show he hates, and I watch. He'll say, "That show is stupid. I can't believe you waste your time watching it. I'm just preparing you for all the people that are going to hate on you for watching that show." I'm just watching trash tv! Who cares? And lately, when he gets annoyed, or upset about anything, he's been having to hold back from hitting me. He lost control the other day and punched me in the arm. I have a huge bruise that is the size of an apple. I started it a few months ago by hitting him a couple times when I was angry, and he wouldn't listen. Since then, I have stopped completely, but he has hit me a few times... and choked me. I know at this point I should know better than to stay with him, but it's more complicated than anyone understands. He's going home with me for Thanksgiving and he's going to meet all of my friends. I've gotten to the point where I want him to go, mainly to maintain an image, but overall, I don't want to be with him anymore. The problem is that we live with each other. I'm a college student and have postponed my education for over a year waiting for him to graduate, so we could move to California (where I'm from). I just can't seem to walk away. I tell him I don't love him, and he tells me the same thing. He's just so weird about everything. Normal things. He reacts inappropriately to everything. He makes problems out of nothing. I just can't take it anymore! But at the same time, I love him so much and I don't want to hurt him. He always comes back and apologizes. I know that no matter what he does, we are not good for each other and need to walk away, but it is so difficult. I can't imagine starting over without him. Everytime I look over (like right now) and see him sleeping, it makes me change my mind. I know he means well, and definitely loves me a lot. I just can't take his verbal and, sometimes, physically abuse. He calls me an idiot, a fool, "you don't care about anything", "you don't think about anything", "you're boring and don't care about reality". It all hurts me so much. But then he comes back and tells me he loves me and didn't mean it, and he was just mad and needs to learn how to control himself. HELP. How do I MOVE OUT? Which is really complicated. I need to pack and leave. But it seems impossible. I love him and I know he loves me. He has no control over himself. How do I walk away? It feels impossible yet I know I need to do it. I need to move on with my life. Please help me.... there is so much more to this story.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
What do you want me to tell you, where the magic wand is kept? You just gave me all the reasons why this is a toxic and abusive relationship -- yet tell me you can't leave him. Nothing is going to change with you and him; although it will prbably get worse, and you could end up in the hospital, or dead. There's an aspect of each of you that hates the other from the sound of your letter. You don't treat people you love the way he treats you. You've been together only a year, and that should tell you whether you can make it work with him. Maybe you think this is all you deserve. The person who likes himself, or herself, usually doesn't put up with hitting each other and listening to defaming comments such as "You're stupid" and all the other nasty remarks he's made to you. That said, abusive relationships can be insidious until the female, in most cases, loses all her power and is at the mercy of the abuser. This may have something to do with both your backgrounds; you pick friends, or a mate similar to the people who treated you poorly in childhood, yet you expect them to make up for all the hurt, and/or pass on the abuse. He may have come from a family where criticism was typical behavior and, more than likely, physical abuse. If neither of you came from loving families who showed respect for one another, it's easy to fall into those patterns in relationships later in life. People get together for all sorts of reasons. At first, there's an attraction, and both parties are, typically, in best behavior mode. But when it's sifted out, when the trying in impress stops -- the mating dance is over --that's when you find out the "nature of the beast". You and he do not share common interests and values, nor show respect. Your boyfriend wants to control you. He's trying to save you from embarrassment by insulting you? How's that going to work, and what's his motivation? Is he embarrassed of you? Does he think you don't equal his intellectual capacity? Does he want you to be a clone of him? Don't go into a relationship expecting to change the other person. It doesn't work that way. Neither one of you has the courage to get out of this relationship based on the negative emotional dependencies you have on each other. Our lives are a series of choices. When we make them out of need (neediness), rather than want, we end up eating emotional rods of excrement -- but blame everyone else for the outcome. I your case, if the relationship continues to spiral into the "classic" abusive relationship, you will render yourself helpless to get out. For whatever reasons you are in this relationship, you'd better face it now and get into some therapy. If watching him sleep seems to melt your heart, and you're afraid to hurt him, you're leading your life for some other reason than to be happy and content. People do it everyday. There are a lot of miserable and abusive relationships -- look around. I get letters from them on a daily basis. And although my heart breaks for these people, especially when they have kids and horrible financial problems, that's not the case for you and this guy, yet. If you don't have the courage to do what's best for you, I don't think me telling you to get it will help. Happy Thanksgiving! It's not going to be fun if you're introducing this guy to your friends and pretend everything is okay. Behind his back, however, you can tell people he's really is a creep who is physically, and mentally abusive, and even tried to choke you. But he's cute when he's sleeping!
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
What do you want me to tell you, where the magic wand is kept? You just gave me all the reasons why this is a toxic and abusive relationship -- yet tell me you can't leave him. Nothing is going to change with you and him; although it will prbably get worse, and you could end up in the hospital, or dead. There's an aspect of each of you that hates the other from the sound of your letter. You don't treat people you love the way he treats you. You've been together only a year, and that should tell you whether you can make it work with him. Maybe you think this is all you deserve. The person who likes himself, or herself, usually doesn't put up with hitting each other and listening to defaming comments such as "You're stupid" and all the other nasty remarks he's made to you. That said, abusive relationships can be insidious until the female, in most cases, loses all her power and is at the mercy of the abuser. This may have something to do with both your backgrounds; you pick friends, or a mate similar to the people who treated you poorly in childhood, yet you expect them to make up for all the hurt, and/or pass on the abuse. He may have come from a family where criticism was typical behavior and, more than likely, physical abuse. If neither of you came from loving families who showed respect for one another, it's easy to fall into those patterns in relationships later in life. People get together for all sorts of reasons. At first, there's an attraction, and both parties are, typically, in best behavior mode. But when it's sifted out, when the trying in impress stops -- the mating dance is over --that's when you find out the "nature of the beast". You and he do not share common interests and values, nor show respect. Your boyfriend wants to control you. He's trying to save you from embarrassment by insulting you? How's that going to work, and what's his motivation? Is he embarrassed of you? Does he think you don't equal his intellectual capacity? Does he want you to be a clone of him? Don't go into a relationship expecting to change the other person. It doesn't work that way. Neither one of you has the courage to get out of this relationship based on the negative emotional dependencies you have on each other. Our lives are a series of choices. When we make them out of need (neediness), rather than want, we end up eating emotional rods of excrement -- but blame everyone else for the outcome. I your case, if the relationship continues to spiral into the "classic" abusive relationship, you will render yourself helpless to get out. For whatever reasons you are in this relationship, you'd better face it now and get into some therapy. If watching him sleep seems to melt your heart, and you're afraid to hurt him, you're leading your life for some other reason than to be happy and content. People do it everyday. There are a lot of miserable and abusive relationships -- look around. I get letters from them on a daily basis. And although my heart breaks for these people, especially when they have kids and horrible financial problems, that's not the case for you and this guy, yet. If you don't have the courage to do what's best for you, I don't think me telling you to get it will help. Happy Thanksgiving! It's not going to be fun if you're introducing this guy to your friends and pretend everything is okay. Behind his back, however, you can tell people he's really is a creep who is physically, and mentally abusive, and even tried to choke you. But he's cute when he's sleeping!
