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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 10/21/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I am a thirty year old female. About 10 months ago, I went through a break up. This relationship was very passionate and emotional. A roller coaster of a ride. At what I thought was the last straw, I called it quits and moved away to begin a new life. This person has never once left my mind. Although I know how hard things were, I still have this strong need for him. About 4 months ago, I was introduced to someone new. This fell at a time I was attempting to tell myself to move on. So, I pushed aside my feelings for this other man and fell straight into this new relationship. At first it was very easy to ignore the pull I feel toward my ex. Things were new and fun ,and I was genuinely happy for the moment. But as time goes on, I find myself still longing for my ex. I call him at times and we both struggle with still wanting each other, and with the knowledge of the past hardships. I do not want to hurt the one i am seeing now. As, he is what every girl would want. Sweet and caring. But am so confused as to my feelings. I care for my new guy but do not feel the passion i once had with my ex. My ex is asking to come and see me, after one of our hours long talks. And i feel the desire to throw caution to the wind and meet him and feel as we once did. My new guy has no idea as to my feelings about this. I know i need to open and be honest but so afraid to hurt him and totally change what we have; to blindside him with the way i am feeling. I just feel so confused and am not really sure as to what my focus should be to figuring this out. Do I just say hey, if you want it right this second, do what you have to do to feel happy for the moment and accept that I must hurt someone that doesn't deserve this? Or tell myself, if it didn't work once, it wont work again, and attempt to forget? I would appreciate any input you have to this matter. Thanks for your time and thought.
-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
Of course, the reasons for the break-up can't be ignored. To make it work a second time, you'd have to get to the bottom of why it went south, and find concrete ways to fix the problems. As you know, sometimes love isn't enough. I write this often, but I'll do it again. The elements that make a relationship work well, other than attraction, are these: trust, respect, common interests and values, open communication, and a willingness to form a working partnership. If any of the elements is lacking, it can be like a house of cards falling. There are reasons you and he broke up, and it's probably because each of you wanted to change the other to conform to your way of thinking. Huge mistake. People change, but only if it benefits them. Don't stay with your new guy if you can't give him the best of you, and be honest about it. That does neither of you any good. If you meet with you ex to see if things could be different between you and him (and I doubt it), you don't need to tell the man you're seeing now. It may be deceptive, to a degree, but you have a right to take this to the finite without losing everything. Passion is great, but it's not everything. It's a temporary fix to certain needs we have, but it fails the test when we want to engage in other meaningful areas that are important to make a relationship work. If you do go a second time around with your ex, I would suggest relationship counseling. You and he don't seem capable of working this out on your own. Moving away to begin a new life is rather dramatic. And maybe drama is all the relationship with the ex has to offer.
-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
Of course, the reasons for the break-up can't be ignored. To make it work a second time, you'd have to get to the bottom of why it went south, and find concrete ways to fix the problems. As you know, sometimes love isn't enough. I write this often, but I'll do it again. The elements that make a relationship work well, other than attraction, are these: trust, respect, common interests and values, open communication, and a willingness to form a working partnership. If any of the elements is lacking, it can be like a house of cards falling. There are reasons you and he broke up, and it's probably because each of you wanted to change the other to conform to your way of thinking. Huge mistake. People change, but only if it benefits them. Don't stay with your new guy if you can't give him the best of you, and be honest about it. That does neither of you any good. If you meet with you ex to see if things could be different between you and him (and I doubt it), you don't need to tell the man you're seeing now. It may be deceptive, to a degree, but you have a right to take this to the finite without losing everything. Passion is great, but it's not everything. It's a temporary fix to certain needs we have, but it fails the test when we want to engage in other meaningful areas that are important to make a relationship work. If you do go a second time around with your ex, I would suggest relationship counseling. You and he don't seem capable of working this out on your own. Moving away to begin a new life is rather dramatic. And maybe drama is all the relationship with the ex has to offer.
