Dear Miss Emily:

Basically my issue comes down to the fact that my ex girlfriend still wants a friendship with my sister. I am 25 years old and am getting married to my fiancee June 2012. I have not talked to my ex in over 2 years but she continues to reach out to my sister. It must be said that I dated my ex for about 5 years, and she did go to the same high school as my sister (2 grade difference). The trouble is my fiancee is trying to build a closer relationship with my sister and feels that she is always under competition with my ex. My fiancee gets upset when she sees her messaging my sister on facebook saying let's do lunch or get our nails done. My fiancee feels that this is not the ex's family anymore and should move on and cut ties with everyone.
I tried talking to my sister about this, and she got upset saying I cant tell her who she can and cannot be friends with. I feel that my ex uses her to find out what I am doing with my life, etc. I am just so up in the air on how to handle this anymore and it is starting to weigh on my life.

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

I feel sorry for you because you are caught in the middle, and it's nothing you've done. As well, you've tried to remedy the situation by standing up for your fiancee - and that was a noble effort. You are the only mature person in this scenario. Yes, it would be nice if your sister severed ties, but it isn't that easy to cast someone aside out of family loyalty. Your sister, however, may catch on, one day, if she is being used as a source of information about your life -- and little else. One day, it's possible, this ex may find herself in the same situation. Were she to get with another man on a serious level, he may take umbrage that his girlfriend is friends with the sister of her ex. Stranger things have happened. She needs to move on with her life -- and perhaps she will someday. All fingers crossed on that score! But this is all you can do at this juncture: Ask your fiancee not to internalize this as any kind of threat. Your sister, for whatever reason, wants to maintain a friendship she's had with this woman, but it may fade in time as friendships like this often do. Try to impress upon her that it's not a direct insult to her as a person, because your sister has chosen to do this even above your wishes. Your fiancee, if she's capable of rising above this (and I hope that's true) can avoid a rift in her relationship with your sister if she takes the high road, develops her own bond with your sister, and lets the other issue work itself out over time. If your sister welcomes your fiancee in all other ways, that should be seen on its own merits and separate from the friendship with your ex. Personally, I  think it would be a smart thing for your sister to do if she did gradually sever ties. That's the tough choice some people make for family, and to keep unity. But there are those who might think differently and believe you sister has every right to have her own friends as long as she doesn't flaunt it, and keeps it away from you and your fiancee. Again, it will only make your fiancee miserable if she allows this to eat at her and, out of respect for you, she needs to let this go now.  I have a feelings this will work itself out, once your sister moves on with her own life in ways that probably won't include close ties with your ex. I admire your attempt to fix this, but now others need to step up to the plate to make this a better situation, as well.  You're a man, not a miracle worker.