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Toxic Relationship Comes To A Head
- By Miss Emily
- Published 10/15/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I was seeing this guy that I use to date 22 years ago. We talked about getting married..his idea, but he would always call it off. After 22 years we reunited. We dated for about 9 months. The first 3 months, all he talked about was how bad his ex did him. She would call and tell him she was going to kill him....then after, she found out about me and the threats went to me as well....drama, drama, drama. During our 9 months, he hardly ever kissed me, didn't like hugs...he said he didn't know how to take someone being good to him. But my thoughts are wouldn't you want it if you never got it? We never went out....4 months into our relationship, his ex wife, which had remarried....killed herself. Then I had to deal with him talking about that...a lot. He had an 8 year old son that I took to school 45 min. There, and back for 20 weeks I did that, and 3 weeks he gave me gas money. I put my heart and soul into this relationship but never got anything back. I moved in with him the last 2 months and did everything for him and his son, and nothing was ever done for me. He drinks every night, and when I would try to tell him how I feel, he would get upset. He talked about getting married when he was drinking, but when he was sober he didn't say a word. If I sat on the couch, he would sit in the chair. It seemed all he wanted to do was sit out back and drink and listen to music. I love doing the same, but every night? I told him i wanted him to hug on me or kiss me, and when he would it was like he didn't want to. I finally told him 2 weeks ago I couldn't live like this, and he told me he couldn't lie to me, he wasn't going to marry me anytime soon. I feel that he never would. I feel like he just used me to get him through hard times and help him with his son. Think about this real good before you answer, an .don't tell me what you think i want to hear...tell me how you really feel. Did I do the right thing by moving out? He told me when I left not to call him in two weeks wanting to come back. I said I wouldn't. I told him he would never find someone to be good to him like I was to him and his son. Please help.
-----------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------------------
I was seeing this guy that I use to date 22 years ago. We talked about getting married..his idea, but he would always call it off. After 22 years we reunited. We dated for about 9 months. The first 3 months, all he talked about was how bad his ex did him. She would call and tell him she was going to kill him....then after, she found out about me and the threats went to me as well....drama, drama, drama. During our 9 months, he hardly ever kissed me, didn't like hugs...he said he didn't know how to take someone being good to him. But my thoughts are wouldn't you want it if you never got it? We never went out....4 months into our relationship, his ex wife, which had remarried....killed herself. Then I had to deal with him talking about that...a lot. He had an 8 year old son that I took to school 45 min. There, and back for 20 weeks I did that, and 3 weeks he gave me gas money. I put my heart and soul into this relationship but never got anything back. I moved in with him the last 2 months and did everything for him and his son, and nothing was ever done for me. He drinks every night, and when I would try to tell him how I feel, he would get upset. He talked about getting married when he was drinking, but when he was sober he didn't say a word. If I sat on the couch, he would sit in the chair. It seemed all he wanted to do was sit out back and drink and listen to music. I love doing the same, but every night? I told him i wanted him to hug on me or kiss me, and when he would it was like he didn't want to. I finally told him 2 weeks ago I couldn't live like this, and he told me he couldn't lie to me, he wasn't going to marry me anytime soon. I feel that he never would. I feel like he just used me to get him through hard times and help him with his son. Think about this real good before you answer, an .don't tell me what you think i want to hear...tell me how you really feel. Did I do the right thing by moving out? He told me when I left not to call him in two weeks wanting to come back. I said I wouldn't. I told him he would never find someone to be good to him like I was to him and his son. Please help.
-----------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------------------
Don't tell you what you want to hear? That really confuses me, because if you think I would placate you for any other reason than being totally honest, you would be wrong. You finally realized that this man cannot, and will never give to you the things you want in a relationship. Personally, I find him so offensive that everything about him smells! He has a cruel, and dismissive streak that's as wide as the Grand Canyon. And I don't care the reasons why, it's a fact, and that's all you need to know. There is also a high probability that he's an alcoholic! What has me concerned is why you put up with him behavior as long as you did. Hope springs eternal, but when do you start to realize it's not a plan? I know you felt you sacrificed for him, but therein lies the problem. A relationship has to be an equal give-and-take to make one happy, and he has given you absolutely nothing other than continual slaps in the face. What you gave him is a ear for him to vent his vitriol for his ex wife, a go-to person to fill in as surrogate mother to his child (and that was kind of you), and a reminder to him of what he's incapable of giving. I know his ex was a piece of work, but other than not having a suicide in common, he's on a downhill spiral, too, and was willing to take you with him. It's awfully hard to "go home again" and you realized that in spades. This man was trouble from day one, you finally realize it, and you made the right decision (and that's an understatement) to leave. Do not speak to him. Never allow him to ever manipulate you again. If you do, you only have yourself to blame. Now, brush yourself off, forget these past few months with this deeply troubled man, and move forward. You deserve better, but you have to believe it too.
