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Long-Distance Relationship Called Into Question
- By Miss Emily
- Published 09/26/2011
- Relationships - Women
Hello Emily,
I am a 21 year old female and I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for about 8 months. For the last 4, it has been a long distance relationship (we live 1,200 miles apart now). He plans to move to be closer to me sometime next year, but as the days go by things between us grow more distance. When we were actually together it was amazing. The best relationship I've been in by far, but it feels like I'm forgetting how happy we were. Recently, a girlfriend and I had some drinks at a guy friend of our house (a guy that I use to mess around with when I was single). Well we stayed there that night because we didn't want to drive. I was lying on his sofa, and he came and laid down next to me and started to run his fingers over my hip and kind of breath in/kiss (I wouldn't really call it a kiss though) my ear. My heart was pounding, but my boyfriend kept running through my head. The guy tried to turn me to kiss me, but I wouldn't let him. I think he realized then that I had gone stiff with stress. He asked me something, and I got up and told him I would sleep in the chair. There was instant regret on my end. We talked for a time after that and, while we were talking, whatever kind of feeling I was having towards him before ebbed away. I can't seem to shake the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I feel like such a terrible person. I really do care about my boyfriend a lot, that's why I feel so miserable. I don't know what to do with myself. Do you have any advice for me?
---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------
First of all, let yourself off the hook. You didn't do anything with this guy. You only fell prey to his advances. But I know how hard long-distance relationships are to maintain -- even in the best circumstances. And that's where money and time allow frequent visits. Even though you had four great months, together (and you had the best intentions for the future) there is reason to think that a commitment was premature. And not necessarily because this other guy came on to you, but because of what you said at the beginning of your e-mail . . . "but as the days go by, things between us grow more distance." I think you need to discuss this with him. He may feel the same. It doesn't mean that you can't date each other until (or if) he makes the decision to move, but it's only being realistic about the present, and the future. This guy was only a reminder that you are not completely wedded to the idea of being with one guy at this time in your life. Would this have happened had he not left? Well, that's tough to know. Had you and he developed a longer relationship while he lived close by, it's possible you'd feel differently. No matter where you and he live, it's also possible the relationship would have run its course. But you can't speculate. You can only go by the feelings you have now. Again, discuss this with him. If he goes ballistic, and/or accuses you of no longer caring, that would be a shame because it isn't true. You do care for him, but to deny your feelings would be even harder on the relationship. You can't pretend in the next few months, or shouldn't.
I am a 21 year old female and I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for about 8 months. For the last 4, it has been a long distance relationship (we live 1,200 miles apart now). He plans to move to be closer to me sometime next year, but as the days go by things between us grow more distance. When we were actually together it was amazing. The best relationship I've been in by far, but it feels like I'm forgetting how happy we were. Recently, a girlfriend and I had some drinks at a guy friend of our house (a guy that I use to mess around with when I was single). Well we stayed there that night because we didn't want to drive. I was lying on his sofa, and he came and laid down next to me and started to run his fingers over my hip and kind of breath in/kiss (I wouldn't really call it a kiss though) my ear. My heart was pounding, but my boyfriend kept running through my head. The guy tried to turn me to kiss me, but I wouldn't let him. I think he realized then that I had gone stiff with stress. He asked me something, and I got up and told him I would sleep in the chair. There was instant regret on my end. We talked for a time after that and, while we were talking, whatever kind of feeling I was having towards him before ebbed away. I can't seem to shake the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I feel like such a terrible person. I really do care about my boyfriend a lot, that's why I feel so miserable. I don't know what to do with myself. Do you have any advice for me?
---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------
First of all, let yourself off the hook. You didn't do anything with this guy. You only fell prey to his advances. But I know how hard long-distance relationships are to maintain -- even in the best circumstances. And that's where money and time allow frequent visits. Even though you had four great months, together (and you had the best intentions for the future) there is reason to think that a commitment was premature. And not necessarily because this other guy came on to you, but because of what you said at the beginning of your e-mail . . . "but as the days go by, things between us grow more distance." I think you need to discuss this with him. He may feel the same. It doesn't mean that you can't date each other until (or if) he makes the decision to move, but it's only being realistic about the present, and the future. This guy was only a reminder that you are not completely wedded to the idea of being with one guy at this time in your life. Would this have happened had he not left? Well, that's tough to know. Had you and he developed a longer relationship while he lived close by, it's possible you'd feel differently. No matter where you and he live, it's also possible the relationship would have run its course. But you can't speculate. You can only go by the feelings you have now. Again, discuss this with him. If he goes ballistic, and/or accuses you of no longer caring, that would be a shame because it isn't true. You do care for him, but to deny your feelings would be even harder on the relationship. You can't pretend in the next few months, or shouldn't.
