Dear Miss Emily:

Hi, I was in a relationship for about 3 years and we recently broke up due to him not finding a job and being too possesive and gets jealous very easily.  I do love him and miss him a lot, but I'm too afraid that he will never change.  He has a job, now, and he is very happy there but says that he can't be fully happy without me and wants to know if he can get another chance.  I cant talk to my family about this because they think I can do better and that he is keeping me back.  I dont know what to do.

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

It's good news that he's found a job, but I don't know what reassurance you have that he will also no longer be jealous and possessive. You're not chattel, you're a woman who should want an equal relationship with trust. And here I go with the statement that I make to thousands of my advice seekers . . .If you don't have trust, you have nothing. People only change when it benefits them, truly see the error of their ways, understand the motivation behind them, and develop concrete solutions to fix past destructive behavior. I don't see how he can suddenly change that quickly. A new job is not going to be the magic potion that fixes his insecurities. Possessiveness and jealousy is directly related to feelings of inadequacy, and that is why a person wants to control his (or her) environment by controlling others. You cannot fill voids in his life that only he can fill. You can give him every reason to trust you, but if he has issues he's not seriously addressing, nothing will change. I wouldn't jump into anything just yet. Stay put. See him if you must, but I would only date him and not make a renewed commitment. He has to really show he's changed, and that will take time to see if that's truly the case. And I don't mean a new honeymoon stage where hope springs eternal, I mean real concrete change that shows in everything he does, and how you and he relate to each other. I'm not hopeful either, but that's the only way I think you should handle this situation. Your family is probably right. You could do better, and he's holding you back. But you have to realize that's the case, or nothing they say will change how you feel.