Dear Miss Emily:

I have been really good friends with this guy that is about to be 19, this month, and we have been talking about starting a relationship for just about a year. After a few months of talking and flirting we made out once. To this day, we still talk everyday. Except the weeks at a time he is in jail. I know he already had a record when I first met him but, since I've known him, he's continued to add to it. The record includes: possession of marijuana, theft, evading arrest, and one 3rd degree felony charge for assault on a cop. I know that it almost seems like I just answered my own question to just quit before i get into trouble too. But I can honestly say that I love this guy. We're not labeled a couple but we might as well be considering we act like one. He repeatedly says he cares for me and would do anything for me. And I would do the same for him. The only problem is that he hangs around with the wrong crowd of people. He is currently in jail serving time, and I am waiting for him. AGAIN. I will wait for him every time because I am the first person he wants to see everytime he gets out, and that means a lot to me. Over the past few months I've gotten him to attend church with me and he gets along with a lot of the people there and he has made many new friends, but he still continues to go back to the wrong crowd and get locked up again. My question is, should I continue to wait for him? Or when he gets out should I tell him this will never work out and just leave? I really love this guy and want a relationship but, it's entirely too hard to have one when he's in and out of jail...I'm torn between love and time.

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

From his perspective, he has a great support system -- you! I can see why he wouldn't want to let you go. And I do see the "bad boy" attraction. They seem to live by their own set of rules, defy laws, and get into lots of trouble. He's a rebel. Of course, the down side of that is his self-esteem must be in the dumper, because a guy who truly cared about himself, and his future chooses to live by the rules and doesn't end up cutting off his nose to spite his face. Most felons don't understand this fact. Laws are not people -- but breaking laws punish people. He in no way is beating the system, and so his rebellion is self-sabotaging. As long as he has an "attitude" he'll be in the revolving door of the system he refuses to respect. I think you're wasting your time. Church is not necessarily going to make him see the error of his ways. I am sure he rationalizes why he ends up where he is, because he won't take responsibility for his actions -- but would rather blame someone else. I suspect he comes from a lousy upbringing. That, too, is hard to break. He is programmed to think and respond in a certain way. De-programming is one of the hardest things in life to do. He says he would do anything for you, but those are empty words. He can't do anything for you other than make token trips to church. And that was your hope -- that he would develop a different way of seeing life -- but if he was trying to do it for you, it didn't take. You can't change him (his basic nature), nor mold him to your liking. It has to come from within. I think what you see is what you get, and if you can't accept this lifestyle -- this self-destructive need he has to be punished, you'd better get out now. It sounds cold, because in your mind embracing God and a straight-and-narrow life is the best route if he'd just do it. But he doesn't see it that way. You have a choice: Your future with someone who can give you what you want (rather than some dependent need you two have for each other), or stay in a precarious situation with a guy who's a screw-up. Your best interests, or his. A choice.