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Teen Girl Can't Cut Ties With Guy Who Loves Her
- By Miss Emily
- Published 08/20/2011
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily,
I wrote to you before about the best friend who was making me choose between dating him or leaving him. You advised me to leave him. But i didnt have to. He left me. He said we couldnt be friends while he had feelings for me. But the thing is, this didnt last. Now hes back saying he wants us to stay friends. So i made it clear i'm not going to date him. And if he can accept that we can stay friends. He's ok with tha,'t but hes still wishing that i change my mind. But i'm not going to change it. I know that i won't ever want to date him. But he's inlove with me and he''s saying he won't date anyone else. I would leave him alone (even though i know it'll mean hell for me) if this were the better for him, but i'm sure it'll break him, and he'll never trust or love another girl again. And i'm afraid that if we stay friends he'll never move on, and i feel so guilty that i know i can't move on before he does. What should i do? Help me, please. And thanks in advance. You really saved me last time.
---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
This is such a shame. He's holding you hostage to this relationship based on his feelings for you. But what about your feelings? He says he can be just friends, now, but it's awkward for both of you knowing that the 800 lb. gorilla is in the room (his love for you). I think you simply have to continue to be firm with him, and limit the time you spend together -- a weening, if you will. The fact that you say it would be hell if you did sever the friendship has me wondering why you feel such responsibility for his feelings, when he isn't taking yours into consideration. He says he can be just friends, but at what cost to you? Reminding you how much he loves you, and the fact he won't date anyone? And where is it written that you have to suffer in order to please him? Now, don't get me wrong, you care a great deal for him but, somehow, now you feel responsible to him as if you were his parent. If he's using you as a crutch to not face reality about the perils of love and loss, he's doing himself a disservice. To say he won't date anyone is simply coercive. If he truly understands that this is only a friendship, he should start dating other girls. And you should consider dating, as well. I don't see why he can't trust other girls in the future. You've been completely honest with him, but he refuses to accept it -- despite saying he does.To not trust girls in the future would only be if he had been burned, cheated on, betrayed. You haven't betrayed him. Quite the contrary! You've bent over backward for him. Again, be consistent with him. This isn't a friendship but, rather, a relationship with a troubled guy who refuses to deal with reality.
I wrote to you before about the best friend who was making me choose between dating him or leaving him. You advised me to leave him. But i didnt have to. He left me. He said we couldnt be friends while he had feelings for me. But the thing is, this didnt last. Now hes back saying he wants us to stay friends. So i made it clear i'm not going to date him. And if he can accept that we can stay friends. He's ok with tha,'t but hes still wishing that i change my mind. But i'm not going to change it. I know that i won't ever want to date him. But he's inlove with me and he''s saying he won't date anyone else. I would leave him alone (even though i know it'll mean hell for me) if this were the better for him, but i'm sure it'll break him, and he'll never trust or love another girl again. And i'm afraid that if we stay friends he'll never move on, and i feel so guilty that i know i can't move on before he does. What should i do? Help me, please. And thanks in advance. You really saved me last time.
---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
This is such a shame. He's holding you hostage to this relationship based on his feelings for you. But what about your feelings? He says he can be just friends, now, but it's awkward for both of you knowing that the 800 lb. gorilla is in the room (his love for you). I think you simply have to continue to be firm with him, and limit the time you spend together -- a weening, if you will. The fact that you say it would be hell if you did sever the friendship has me wondering why you feel such responsibility for his feelings, when he isn't taking yours into consideration. He says he can be just friends, but at what cost to you? Reminding you how much he loves you, and the fact he won't date anyone? And where is it written that you have to suffer in order to please him? Now, don't get me wrong, you care a great deal for him but, somehow, now you feel responsible to him as if you were his parent. If he's using you as a crutch to not face reality about the perils of love and loss, he's doing himself a disservice. To say he won't date anyone is simply coercive. If he truly understands that this is only a friendship, he should start dating other girls. And you should consider dating, as well. I don't see why he can't trust other girls in the future. You've been completely honest with him, but he refuses to accept it -- despite saying he does.To not trust girls in the future would only be if he had been burned, cheated on, betrayed. You haven't betrayed him. Quite the contrary! You've bent over backward for him. Again, be consistent with him. This isn't a friendship but, rather, a relationship with a troubled guy who refuses to deal with reality.
