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Personality Traits Can Doom A Relationship
- By Miss Emily
- Published 08/17/2011
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily,
I just started dating this guy, and we are both 17. The other day, we were hanging out with his friend. His friend is kind of a jerk. Well,, we were in the car and I thought his friend was making fun of me, so as a reflex i slapped the back of his head. Now i know on my part, I should not have done that, but like I said it was a reflex. Well, my boyfriend's friend called me a C U Next Tuesday...if you catch my drift. My boyfriend didn't say anything to defend me. So I just didn't say anything about it the rest of the night. A few days later, we hungout again and it was a little awkward for me, but both my boyfriend and his friend were acting as if nothing had ever happend. Well, for the next few days my boyfriend had not called or text me. So I text him and asked if he was mad at me, this was our conversation: "Are you mad at me or something?" "I'm a little upset." "Why?" "You hit my friend for no reason the other night." "It wasn't for no reason. I thought he was making fun of me so I hit him. I wouldn't have just done that for no reason." "But still you shouldn't have just hit him for no reason, you should have asked him if he was." Yeah, I know that it was a reflex and I'm sorry." Then my boyfriend preceeds to say this: "And I don't like when I'm saying something and you say stop whinning (he does whine). It aggrivates me so much and you take sarcasm too far which also aggrivates me a lot." I responded with: "Okay, well, when something like that is bothering you, please tell me, don't not talk to me for 2 days because then I won't know what's bothering you." "Okay, well now you know." "I'm sorry I don't want to fight with you or have you mad at me." That was the last thing I had said, after that I recieved no response. I feel like he acts like a completely different person around his friend. And at this point I don't think that his friend likes me. It is like out of no where my boyfriend is suddenly finding little things to fight about, and I don't know what to do. Please help me.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
You and your boyfriend are both guilty of poor communication skills. You should not use sarcasm as a weapon to get your point across, and he should have spoken up earlier. It would be legitimate to be angry if your boyfriend doesn't have the guts to defend you, no matter who is with him -- his boyfriend -- a stranger -- whoever, but your reaction was knee-jerk and hitting someone is a big faux pas. You, basically, humiliated your boyfriend's friend. I think one thing you could do is this: Go to the friend of your boyfriend (hopefully your boyfriend is not an ex, yet) and apologize to him. Tell him it was wrong of you to do what you did, and you can understand why he would be upset. And, please, let's try to forget this and move on. Hopefully, a humble "mea culpa" will smooth things over. Then tell your boyfriend that you are willing to accept responsibility for your part in this and ready to work at your habit of using sarcasm as a way of getting your point across -- if he will to be sensitive to your feelings in matters where you can be hurt by words, as well. Agree to be upfront in the future. You two are young, and it's pretty common for teens not to understand the meaning of loyalty and commitment, but there's no sense in not learning a lesson from this and correct negative personality traits -- and, hopefully, remedy the situation. At least give it a try. But you mean it, or you're destine to repeat history. If this woud be ony a desperate effort to placate your boyfriend and his friend, maybe you should consider that you and your boyfriend are not a good match (there's a lack of respect), and cut your losses before this gets more complicated.
I just started dating this guy, and we are both 17. The other day, we were hanging out with his friend. His friend is kind of a jerk. Well,, we were in the car and I thought his friend was making fun of me, so as a reflex i slapped the back of his head. Now i know on my part, I should not have done that, but like I said it was a reflex. Well, my boyfriend's friend called me a C U Next Tuesday...if you catch my drift. My boyfriend didn't say anything to defend me. So I just didn't say anything about it the rest of the night. A few days later, we hungout again and it was a little awkward for me, but both my boyfriend and his friend were acting as if nothing had ever happend. Well, for the next few days my boyfriend had not called or text me. So I text him and asked if he was mad at me, this was our conversation: "Are you mad at me or something?" "I'm a little upset." "Why?" "You hit my friend for no reason the other night." "It wasn't for no reason. I thought he was making fun of me so I hit him. I wouldn't have just done that for no reason." "But still you shouldn't have just hit him for no reason, you should have asked him if he was." Yeah, I know that it was a reflex and I'm sorry." Then my boyfriend preceeds to say this: "And I don't like when I'm saying something and you say stop whinning (he does whine). It aggrivates me so much and you take sarcasm too far which also aggrivates me a lot." I responded with: "Okay, well, when something like that is bothering you, please tell me, don't not talk to me for 2 days because then I won't know what's bothering you." "Okay, well now you know." "I'm sorry I don't want to fight with you or have you mad at me." That was the last thing I had said, after that I recieved no response. I feel like he acts like a completely different person around his friend. And at this point I don't think that his friend likes me. It is like out of no where my boyfriend is suddenly finding little things to fight about, and I don't know what to do. Please help me.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
You and your boyfriend are both guilty of poor communication skills. You should not use sarcasm as a weapon to get your point across, and he should have spoken up earlier. It would be legitimate to be angry if your boyfriend doesn't have the guts to defend you, no matter who is with him -- his boyfriend -- a stranger -- whoever, but your reaction was knee-jerk and hitting someone is a big faux pas. You, basically, humiliated your boyfriend's friend. I think one thing you could do is this: Go to the friend of your boyfriend (hopefully your boyfriend is not an ex, yet) and apologize to him. Tell him it was wrong of you to do what you did, and you can understand why he would be upset. And, please, let's try to forget this and move on. Hopefully, a humble "mea culpa" will smooth things over. Then tell your boyfriend that you are willing to accept responsibility for your part in this and ready to work at your habit of using sarcasm as a way of getting your point across -- if he will to be sensitive to your feelings in matters where you can be hurt by words, as well. Agree to be upfront in the future. You two are young, and it's pretty common for teens not to understand the meaning of loyalty and commitment, but there's no sense in not learning a lesson from this and correct negative personality traits -- and, hopefully, remedy the situation. At least give it a try. But you mean it, or you're destine to repeat history. If this woud be ony a desperate effort to placate your boyfriend and his friend, maybe you should consider that you and your boyfriend are not a good match (there's a lack of respect), and cut your losses before this gets more complicated.
