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He Wants Her To "Just Be Happy"
- By Miss Emily
- Published 08/6/2011
- Relationships - Women
Hi Miss Emily,
I just need some advice on what I should do in this situation in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been fighting off-and-on all summer long. He claims that I am the one that causes all of our fights because I get upset about little things that are not important. However, they are important to me and I wish that he could see that or at leas accept it. Because of this, he is always frustrated with me and whenever I want to talk to him he shuts off and is very hard to talk to. This makes it very hard for me to ever talk to him, and even afraid that I will upset him if I want to have a serious conversation with him. He claims that I am unhappy, or upset about something too much of the time, and he just wants me to be happy because things would be so much easier. I don't know if it is him or me that is being unreasonable, but I don't know how to fix it. He wants me to stop getting upset about things that aren't very important, but I don't know the difference between the big things and the small things. They are all equally as important to me. I think this has really taken a toll on our relationship. He may be open to talk to me about things, but I'm too scared for fear that this will upset him and make him like/love me less than I feel like he already does. I think he would just like to ignore this problem and pretend like it isn't there, but we both know it is. On top of this, for the past month he has been in school and working which takes up a large portion of his week, while I have had a lot less to do. We have not been able to see each other as much, and when we are together he always talks about how tired he is. I don't know how to deal with this and I'm afraid it's just going to continue. What do you suggest? Thanks for your help.
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
You know, Holly, you have to decide how legitimate the messages are that you're trying to convey to him. You say, little and big things, but what do they really center on? You may have some perfectly reasonable issues to take up with him, and he is simply putting you off because he does not like confrontation and that's his way of control -- to tell you that you complain too much and uses the "why can't you just be happy?" mantra. In other words, you cannot take issue with anything in the relationship in hopes of improving it, and he's not emotionally available to you. Now, if you were a constant nag, and wanted to change him, which never works, I could see his point of view. No one likes to incessantly be told he, or she is doing something wrong. And he would have a point if he were to say, "What you see is what you get," meaning that he has certain characteristics about his nature, or personality that be shouldn't have to change. You have expressed that you have some fear in bringing things up to him, however, and that tells me he has a knee-jerk reaction to your comments and he shuts you down. You become frustrated, but not enough for you to say to him, "Listen, I have a issue that I'd like to get settled, and I want you to listen and see if we can come up with a solution together." It may be that you and he simply aren't suited for one another, and it's fruitless to think that you are -- but keep battling to make it work when it can't! If he's disrespectful, easily brought to anger the minute you want to talk about something important, I think you need to re-think this relationship. You should be an equal to him, not some cowering woman who is afraid to rustle his feathers. All this said, how you present a subject has a lot to do with how well it will be received. Watch the tone of your voice, and try to be diplomatic in your presentation. Now, if he's working that, too, changes the dynamic in the relationship if you don't have the same grueling schedule. School and a job are time consuming! I'm sure he is tired, but in order to not be offended, you need to understand his routine has changed and be patient. And he should understand that you expect some attention, some of the time.
I just need some advice on what I should do in this situation in my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been fighting off-and-on all summer long. He claims that I am the one that causes all of our fights because I get upset about little things that are not important. However, they are important to me and I wish that he could see that or at leas accept it. Because of this, he is always frustrated with me and whenever I want to talk to him he shuts off and is very hard to talk to. This makes it very hard for me to ever talk to him, and even afraid that I will upset him if I want to have a serious conversation with him. He claims that I am unhappy, or upset about something too much of the time, and he just wants me to be happy because things would be so much easier. I don't know if it is him or me that is being unreasonable, but I don't know how to fix it. He wants me to stop getting upset about things that aren't very important, but I don't know the difference between the big things and the small things. They are all equally as important to me. I think this has really taken a toll on our relationship. He may be open to talk to me about things, but I'm too scared for fear that this will upset him and make him like/love me less than I feel like he already does. I think he would just like to ignore this problem and pretend like it isn't there, but we both know it is. On top of this, for the past month he has been in school and working which takes up a large portion of his week, while I have had a lot less to do. We have not been able to see each other as much, and when we are together he always talks about how tired he is. I don't know how to deal with this and I'm afraid it's just going to continue. What do you suggest? Thanks for your help.
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
You know, Holly, you have to decide how legitimate the messages are that you're trying to convey to him. You say, little and big things, but what do they really center on? You may have some perfectly reasonable issues to take up with him, and he is simply putting you off because he does not like confrontation and that's his way of control -- to tell you that you complain too much and uses the "why can't you just be happy?" mantra. In other words, you cannot take issue with anything in the relationship in hopes of improving it, and he's not emotionally available to you. Now, if you were a constant nag, and wanted to change him, which never works, I could see his point of view. No one likes to incessantly be told he, or she is doing something wrong. And he would have a point if he were to say, "What you see is what you get," meaning that he has certain characteristics about his nature, or personality that be shouldn't have to change. You have expressed that you have some fear in bringing things up to him, however, and that tells me he has a knee-jerk reaction to your comments and he shuts you down. You become frustrated, but not enough for you to say to him, "Listen, I have a issue that I'd like to get settled, and I want you to listen and see if we can come up with a solution together." It may be that you and he simply aren't suited for one another, and it's fruitless to think that you are -- but keep battling to make it work when it can't! If he's disrespectful, easily brought to anger the minute you want to talk about something important, I think you need to re-think this relationship. You should be an equal to him, not some cowering woman who is afraid to rustle his feathers. All this said, how you present a subject has a lot to do with how well it will be received. Watch the tone of your voice, and try to be diplomatic in your presentation. Now, if he's working that, too, changes the dynamic in the relationship if you don't have the same grueling schedule. School and a job are time consuming! I'm sure he is tired, but in order to not be offended, you need to understand his routine has changed and be patient. And he should understand that you expect some attention, some of the time.
