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Time To Call It Quits?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 07/27/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I have had an on again off again sort of relationship with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now. We are both very sensitive and very stubborn. Throw in the fact that he has a temper, and we fight a lot. I am trying to decide whether it is worth it. We both love each other enough that we keep making up, but I don't know if I can handle the rollercoaster. His first reaction whenever we fight is to either pack up and leave, or say we are done, which turns me off automatically. I don't try to make him change his mind or think about what I said to make him feel this way. I feel that if he doesn't want to be with me, I am not going to beg him to stay with me. Once things calm down, he tells me he is upset that I don't try to understand why he reacts the way he does. I am not a mind-reader. The latest argument started about the fact that he was mad that we only got to have one weekend away all summer. He also had to throw in my face that I spent the whole summer with my friends and didn't plan any time with him. I went away for a 5 day weekend to visit family and friends; otherwise I have been here. He is the one who has a terrible schedule who travels all over every weekend. So we picked the weekend and went camping. Basically after a very lengthy argument, and a lot of other stupid old arguments thrown in, he says he just wishes the summer wasn't almost over and that we got to spend more weekends together and away. When he starts throwing accusations at me during arguments, I feel like he doesn't care about me. So I told him this. This sent him over the edge and he said we were through. He wanted to leave and drive home 3.5 hours. So we did. In silence - him thinking I should apologize for saying that I feel like he doesn't care about me -- me thinking he is proving that he indeed doesn't care about me and we are through. 5 hours later, we get home and he packs up his things in his car and before he leaves asks if there is anything to say. The argument picks back up but, finally, we both make concessions and make up. Nothing really is fixed, though, and I am just waiting for the next argument that goes the exact same way. What can I do to fix this so we don't keep going on like this?
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I have had an on again off again sort of relationship with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now. We are both very sensitive and very stubborn. Throw in the fact that he has a temper, and we fight a lot. I am trying to decide whether it is worth it. We both love each other enough that we keep making up, but I don't know if I can handle the rollercoaster. His first reaction whenever we fight is to either pack up and leave, or say we are done, which turns me off automatically. I don't try to make him change his mind or think about what I said to make him feel this way. I feel that if he doesn't want to be with me, I am not going to beg him to stay with me. Once things calm down, he tells me he is upset that I don't try to understand why he reacts the way he does. I am not a mind-reader. The latest argument started about the fact that he was mad that we only got to have one weekend away all summer. He also had to throw in my face that I spent the whole summer with my friends and didn't plan any time with him. I went away for a 5 day weekend to visit family and friends; otherwise I have been here. He is the one who has a terrible schedule who travels all over every weekend. So we picked the weekend and went camping. Basically after a very lengthy argument, and a lot of other stupid old arguments thrown in, he says he just wishes the summer wasn't almost over and that we got to spend more weekends together and away. When he starts throwing accusations at me during arguments, I feel like he doesn't care about me. So I told him this. This sent him over the edge and he said we were through. He wanted to leave and drive home 3.5 hours. So we did. In silence - him thinking I should apologize for saying that I feel like he doesn't care about me -- me thinking he is proving that he indeed doesn't care about me and we are through. 5 hours later, we get home and he packs up his things in his car and before he leaves asks if there is anything to say. The argument picks back up but, finally, we both make concessions and make up. Nothing really is fixed, though, and I am just waiting for the next argument that goes the exact same way. What can I do to fix this so we don't keep going on like this?
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
Fix it? Well, that's a tall order. In many respects, I think he's simply used to being angry and frustrated. If you've been home most of the summer (except that 5 day junket with your friends) and it is he who travels more often, then he isn't able to take a look at the internal problems he has with his life and, instead, chooses to throws stones at you. It would be an understatement to say you and he have lousy communication, but it goes deeper than that. His knee-jerk responses (throwing in the towel, packing up and leaving),and your vain attempts to get him to see why he can't see beyond his nose, is nothing short of masochism on both your parts. Stubborn, sensitive -- neither of you will ever be successful at a relationship with those relationship killing characteristics. I don't see much hope for this relationship because patterns are set, and the good things you do have aren't enough to keep this union on an even keel. I think couples counseling might help -- not necessary to stay together, but to show that you and he are not suited for the long-haul. The elements of a quality relationship (although none are perfect), are, trust, respect, common interests and values, and open communication. When any one of those elements does not exist, the whole foundation of the relationship is subject to crumbling.
