Dear Miss Emily:

I'll keep it as short as possible. Been with the guy for two years, literally love at first sight. (He just turned 30, I am 21) Saw each other on a friday night, went back to the same place the next night to find each other, went on our first date two days later and became attached at the hip. We've gone through a lot together, family issues, people involving themselves in our relationship, no walk in the park for us. We got through it and got to a serious place about 5 months ago. He's been burned bad, hates the thought of marriage, always has, doesnt have the greatest past and has a 6 yearold child with a woman he hates. I noticed from the start he had somewhat of low self esteem because, every time we faught, he called him self names and told me he was a piece of "crap," not what i was ever getting at. We broke up a month ago scared of marriage. Got back together for a week saying we'd work it all out, then he broke down and told me he doesnt deserve me, that I'm amazing and the perfect in every way. He said he'd never be able to give me what i deserve. Ssaid he could buy me a ring and promise to be with me forever, but he knows i want marriage, eventually, and that he can't give that to me and I deserve to have everything i want. Told me he wants to treat me as good asIi treat him, but he's not capable, and said he knows I can find someone out there better than him and more deserving. I never felt like he treated me badly but, at times, i felt taken for granted but it wasn't a big enough issue to break up over. I always felt he respected me and treated me with dignity. I felt he would do anything for me at the drop of a hat, and he did. I love him more than anything and I've never felt so broken. Whats going on with him? How can I fix this? I am willing to make any sacrafice to be with him. I've told him that, but he says I shouldn't have to sacrafice anything. Help...

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

He is right in calling you out on making these major sacrifices for him. To do that, you'd have to forgo any of your personal desires to be married and have children. Where is the joy in that? It's not a matter of you deserving better, you simply should go after what you want without compromise in these areas. No marriage, and no children is not something that is negotiable for you is it? You either want them, or you don't. He either wants marriage and more children, or he doesn't. I think he's simply tired of the burden of not giving you what you truly want. He says he blames himself, calls himself names, but that's an easy way to express the fact that he's adamant about how he wants to live his life. He doesn't want the responsibility of letting you forfeit everything you hold dear. That's a guilt trip he doesn't need. Only someone your age thinks she (or he) can give up everything for love. That is so completely irrational, it defies response -- but I will do it anyway. As you get older, you'll realize the futility in hoping someone will change (and, likewise, yourself) in the very nature, and core values that make a person who he, or she is. He's made his position clear, and for you not to heed it would be foolish. I see it as a black and white issue, although emotionally painful to realize. You and he are not on the same page in what you want out of life. Because of that, it is wise for you to sever ties, lick your wounds, and go after a relationship that offers the things you want out of life. You cannot forfeit these basic desires, long-term, without feeling bitter and resentful toward the person you once put before yourself. That is the outcome, and if you continue down this path you'll have only yourself to blame. It is true that, sometimes, love isn't enough. Other than trust, respect, and open-communication, compatibility in interests and values are key to a successful union.