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Relationship Boundaries
- By Miss Emily
- Published 07/18/2011
- Relationships - Men
Dear Miss Emily:
I have been with my girlfriend for around 6 months, I love her, we get along great. We went away for a week on a holiday, and we traveled to both our parents' cities and we met each others folks. it was really nice, no drama, lots of fun etc., etc. We got back 4 days ago, and I had to work for a few days as soon as we got back, so I haven't been able to see her; which she knew already as we discuss when we are free and able to hang out. I was dj-ing last night at a club, and she messaged me saying she wanted to sleep with me. I said "come over if you want, but i'm still at the club." This was about 1:30am. She messaged me back a bit later saying she was still at work, too. I left my club to walk home and she rang, but my phone was on silent so i didn't answer, i didn't hear it, it wasn't intentional! She then asked where i am, which I also didn't hear and, then, she wrote "never mind see you some other time" which is very "cold" for her. I got home about 10 mins later and saw she had called. I tried calling her twice to no answer, then wrote her a message saying sorry I was walking home and didn't hear my phone. She replied saying "It's ok i'm going out with some friends. Speak next time."The next day (today) after lots of persistence on my part to get an answer, she said she felt pathetic asking for a booty call and I didn't tell her I was going home. She said she was trying to spice things up so our sex life doesn't go stale. We went back and forth a bit, not arguing just chatting, I don't like texting about this stuff so I said we should talk tomorrow about it. Anyway sorry for the long story, this stuff has happened a couple of times and I am worried she is just a bit too needy It only happens when I haven't seen her for a day or 2. I don't know, just want to see what someone else makes of this.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
I have been with my girlfriend for around 6 months, I love her, we get along great. We went away for a week on a holiday, and we traveled to both our parents' cities and we met each others folks. it was really nice, no drama, lots of fun etc., etc. We got back 4 days ago, and I had to work for a few days as soon as we got back, so I haven't been able to see her; which she knew already as we discuss when we are free and able to hang out. I was dj-ing last night at a club, and she messaged me saying she wanted to sleep with me. I said "come over if you want, but i'm still at the club." This was about 1:30am. She messaged me back a bit later saying she was still at work, too. I left my club to walk home and she rang, but my phone was on silent so i didn't answer, i didn't hear it, it wasn't intentional! She then asked where i am, which I also didn't hear and, then, she wrote "never mind see you some other time" which is very "cold" for her. I got home about 10 mins later and saw she had called. I tried calling her twice to no answer, then wrote her a message saying sorry I was walking home and didn't hear my phone. She replied saying "It's ok i'm going out with some friends. Speak next time."The next day (today) after lots of persistence on my part to get an answer, she said she felt pathetic asking for a booty call and I didn't tell her I was going home. She said she was trying to spice things up so our sex life doesn't go stale. We went back and forth a bit, not arguing just chatting, I don't like texting about this stuff so I said we should talk tomorrow about it. Anyway sorry for the long story, this stuff has happened a couple of times and I am worried she is just a bit too needy It only happens when I haven't seen her for a day or 2. I don't know, just want to see what someone else makes of this.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
Keeping those "boundaries" in place is important. And that means, in this case, telling her that her feelings are irrational because you had a legitimate excuse for not following through. That does not negate what she wanted. It simply didn't work out. There's nothing pathetic about the whole situation when facts are taken into account. And this is what you need to impress upon her. If she is showing signs of "neediness" it is your job to not allow it. Were she to take umbrage, that is her problem to work out. I know you love her, but you also need to make sure you are not accommodating her insecurities and setting a new precedent in the relationship. Were you to do that, you will become resentful, and she wouldn't understand why the sudden change in you when, all along you had been placating her against your will. That's when your sex life with her will not only get stale, it will cease!
