Dear Miss Emily:

I've been in a relationship for 3 years, and for most of the time, it's been pretty great. He has remained very good friends with all his ex-gfs, which indicates that he's a good guy. His one ex of 9 years is actually his best friend, so to give you an idea of what he's like, he has a LOT of female friends. He became close with one particular female co-worker at the start of our relationship, and I've met her on several occasions and she seems very sweet and I thought nothing of it. About a year into their friendship, she told him that many people found their friendship inappropriately close (lunch/breaks every day together, occasional movies/drinks,etc) and wondered if I had a problem with it, which I honestly didn't because I trusted him. He got quite upset that she was pulling away, but eventually we all discussed it, and everyone moved on and their friendship continued. About a year ago, she quit and left the company and for lack of a better word, he was almost depressed, disproportionately so for a co-worker quitting. Very moody, easily irritated, the works. He messaged her to meet and catch up, which I encouraged, and I'm not sure what happened but she was very distant and standoffish when they met and he was extremely disappointed. Soon after, he emailed asking if she was mad about something, and she basically gave him the brush off that they weren't as close as he thought, and now that they didn't have work as a foundation for their friendship, there wasn't much of a friendship left. He was devastated. I felt bad that he was so upset, but I had to wonder why he was so upset. He finally admitted to me that he had developed feelings for her and had to admit it to himself but that he wouldn't act on them. I was hurt and felt really stupid for not seeing it. I asked if she felt the same, and he said he hadn't told her so he didn't know. I rationalized in my head that she didn't work with him, nor were they on speaking terms, so getting upset over someone he didn't see or talk to anymore was pointless. A few months ago, he texted her and I guess things were discussed and they worked it out and they are now friends again. He has told her about his feelings and she doesn't reciprocate, allegedly. He is a very attractive guy, so I don't really buy that there wasn't some sort of attraction at least. I know they met for lunch recently, and he was very happy when he got home. He mentioned that she asked if I was okay with them hanging out again. She always seems to ask how I feel about things, and I don't know if that's a sign of kind consideration or guilt. I believe no physical lines have been crossed, but he is emotionally very attached to her. He and I have had some rocky patches and, recently, he wanted to take a break, very soon after he saw this girl. I can't help but think there's a correlation, but he's repeatedly told me she's not interested and he's mostly over it. Also, he doesn't hide anything from me, and is always honest about when they talk and see each other. I guess I want to know if I'm blind and in denial to what's unfolding before my eyes or if our relationship is worth salvaging. Should I tell him to stop spending time with this girl or is that being too controlling?

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

You're handling of their relationship goes beyond understanding and fairness, it has allowed him to run amok! My impression is that he has deep feelings for this woman and, although she may not be on-board with a relationship now, it may be forthcoming. After all, she let him back into her life. This red flag has me on full alert, and it should for you, as well. His request to take a break is an obvious sign he wants to pursue a relationship with her -- or he feels guilt for his need for her in his life. And even if she were to take a pass, what does that tell you about his commitment to you? Apparently, he isn't over her and, based on his angst after she rebuffed him when she left work at the company, it shows a stunning display of his interest in her. Personally, I think he's in some type of denial if he says he is mostly over it. I don't think so. He may be trying to convince you, but the bigger part of it is that he's trying to convince himself. I would take that break because, under the circumstances, this man is not fully committed to you. Unless you have that, I would walk away. Again, you are one incredible woman to put up with his multiple relationships with his ex-girlfriends. You are a prize, but maybe a little too understanding in my book. In no way are you controlling. To think that is beyond my comprehension.