Dear Miss Emily:

My question delves into the psyche of the mind and the emotions of the heart. Why do a large proportions of people settle for non- fufilling relationships? What happened to seek and ye shall find? Why do people tend to cheat themselves of finding better partners? if opportunity is breathing down your neck for a more suitable partner, why oh why, or why do people deny themselves betterment? Men in particular. I find they tend to settle for one type of woman at home yet desire another type. Is it cowardice to settle for second, or third fiddle? Why is seeking a better partner and happiness such a unpracticed event? i do not understand this safe relationship practice. Why do people tend to deny themselves happiness? Does it have to do with the thought of ending up alone if you dont succeed? Because you can end up alone even if you settle! Why do men not marry mistresses, and leave their unfulfilling wives? is it not weak to settle, and strong to persue? I'm so torn on this issue. Please, please give me a deep insight please.

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------

People settle for inadequate relationships for all sorts of reasons. 50% of marriages end in divorce (in the U.S., anyway) and that's a statement about how poorly people choose mates, and the emotional damage that is the result. For the most part, humans are initially attracted to each other based on chemistry, and they often "come out of themselves" to be what they think a potential partner wants them to be -- suppressing the basic nature of who they are -- only to have it loom later down the road. The species has a need to survive, but it doesn't mean humans make the best choices. There is also an element of thinking that even if a potential mate does not meet all the criteria, he, or she will change with some prodding. That approach, however, results in frustration and resentment, because the quest usually fails -- yet it does not always end the relationship. If people were to go into relationships for all the right reasons -- out of want, rather than need (neediness), despite the fact that there are no guarantees, there would be less settling for bad  coupling, and the power struggles that ensue. And when marriage and children enter the picture, it muddies the water. Finances are co-mingled, and the fear of breaking up the family, and entering the unknown (and, basically, starting over, again), can  seem like a lesson in futility; especially if one's opinion of relationships is now colored by perceived failure in them. The best relationships, of course, are those with trust, respect, common interests and values, open-communication, and a commitment to put the partner (within reason) above all others. In today's society, with the options that are open to us, temptation looms large, and the idea of settling down is less desirable to some, and that includes remarriage. Yet most humans want companionship, and that is why they cling to the notion that there is someone who can fill their every need. Sadly, some people seek relationships to fill voids in themselves, but only they can, or should fill.  Some women look for the daddy they never had, or someone to support them, for example, and some men may look for a benevolent mommy, and a built-in housekeeper -- all poor reasons to enter a relationship. In many cases, we pick mates who are similar to those we knew in childhood (mainly parental figures), and if they were unhappy relationships, we expect that same type of person to correct all the damage inflicted from those in our past. Relationships can end up to be nothing more than power struggles, where no one is willing to concede. As well, a bad relationship is often insidious. It wears down in increments, and the couple learns to function at a low level and become almost oblivious to the damage incurred. A man will  take a mistress for several reasons. One, is because he can! By having a mistress, he can have the excitement of the stolen moments where everything feels like a dream. No real stress, or problems of everyday life. They are usually left at the door. An affair fills in the gaps missing in a marriage, or simply makes life more interesting. It can be the best of both worlds. As I said, before, to leave a marriage with financial ties, and kids can be fraught with more pain than it is worth. Now you may have battling spouses, custody arrangements, and property and money issues to be hammered out. There are few winners, and the children often suffer. I agree, it's best to be alone, than lonely in a bad relationship but, again, there are myriad explanations of why people stay in relationships that are unfulfilling and fraught with trouble. Emotionally weak individuals are more inclined to stay in a bad relationship, or marriage.  But those who are emotionally strong, and do stay in a bad marriage, usually do so because the losses outweigh the gains, or the collateral damage is simply too great.