Dear Emily:

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. We had a rocky start but also some good times. Occasionally, we get into heated arguments, during which I start to question this relationship. I know she is a good woman and loves me very much. I think that I love her, too. We both have had to accept a lot of things about the other which are different than what we are used to. But I have sabotaged really good relationships in the past, so I am concerned that I may do it again; leave a perfectly good relationship over foolhardy reasons such as arguments and minor differences. Now she is basically giving me an ultimatum concerning marriage and wants an answer by the end of the month. Do I stay or do I go and how do I know I am doing the right thing?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

"I think I love her" is a red flag to me. Marriage is a serious thing, and you can't go, or shouldn't go into it with that attitude. This is why 50% of marriages end in divorce. Now, I'm not saying it couldn't work, but being given a deadline is not going to help you decide on whether this is right for you. It may help her decide that you're not going to be her husband, but that doesn't do anything for your predicament. When you enter a marriage, it's a good idea to want to be there. It's work, and it's a commitment that should have trust, respect, common interests and goals, open communication and a desire to work together to make the union a success. You have to like the idea of marriage, being with one person -- and the vows say "until death do us part" (although that's often taken with a grain of salt). Perhaps that's the bugaboo with you. I don't think, however, that if you fight because you are two totally different people who don't see eye-to-eye on major issues, a marriage would work. You may have put up with this rearing its ugly head from time-to-time, and accepted it, because you weren't making a life-long commitment. I don't know why you doubt yourself, although you said you've given up good relationships in the past -- but, perhaps this one, although having its good points, is not right for you as much as the others were not, as well. Because you are in a true state of flux over this, and even if it's that you're "commitment phobic," seek counseling. That should stall her until you can make a commitment to marry, or move on with your life without her. It could be true that marriage isn't for you -- at least not at this time in your life.