Dear Miss Emily:
 
Hi Emily,

I'm kind of torn at the moment. I'm with a guy for 4 years, living with him for 2. He's a lovely guy and treats me well except in the past year. He doesnt believe in marriage, and its something that's important to me. Stupidly, I know I hoped he would change his mind. Every one of his family occasions we go to, he declares he's never getting married and it humiliates me. I've explained that even though I don't agree with him and ask him to please stop making such announcements in front of his family, as i get very upset. His family gives me pity looks, and says, "Ah, but you are a lovely couple" etc., and I get really upset over it. I'm after meeting a guy who is kind and lovely who wants the same things as me in life and I dont know what to do. I love my boyfriend but feel that I'm being used as he is always talking about buying a house and having kids, but I won't compromise. I know I should leave but I don't have the courage...What should I do?

-------------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------------

You're not being used if you had been told the terms of the relationship from the get-go. And in his obnoxious manner, he seems to need to remind you of that around his family. You cannot stay with him under these circumstances -- or so you have firmly stated, and there is no magic wand you can wave to change his mind. He does, however, not mind having all the other aspects of family life -- children, and a partner. There are women who are fine with this arrangement. Marriage is a legal contract (some see is as one with God, as well), but it is a contract that can be broken -- sometimes with ease, and sometimes not (financial entanglements, child custody issues, etc.), as you are well aware. There are no guarantees in any relationship -- ring on the finger, or no ring. Most women want marriage, and that is perfectly understandable. It's a tradition that is respected in most social structures. It is usually seen as a commitment that is stronger than living together. If being wed is something you are wedded to, I see no recourse but to leave him and seek a man who is in lockstep with you on this very important issue. Why people don't want to make the leap varies. You didn't mention if your guy had been married before, the idea to him seems totally unnecessary, or it has the connotation of being trapped. Ultimately, you have to weigh how important your desire to be married, against losing him because of his staunch attitude against it.  But I'd do it soon, because this is hurting you. The fact he knows this is not changing his mind.