I am 35 yrs old, married with children. My mother lives in another state. Growing up, my mother was quite cold and moody. I put it down to being in an abusive relationship as my stepfather was violent towards her, my siblings and myself. ( I was also sexually abused by him). She left him twenty years ago and then moved away from me to go live in another state. Since then, our relationship has been ok but I am the one who does most of the contacting. I feel like I always need to protect 'her feelings' i.e:, I can't tell her when she is upsetting me. If I do, she gets really defensive and goes on about how I don't understand how difficult 'her life' is etc., etc. Though she has no problem hurting my feelings. Just recently she 'forgot' my son's birthday. It really upset me as I think there is no excuse for that. (That's what calendars are for). She ranted on how busy she has been, and there is no one around to 'remind her' blah blah blah. My siblings have pretty much stopped contacting her as they are sick of being the only one making the effort. I feel like doing the same, but am torn up inside. I still feel like I need to 'please her' and make her happy. What do I do? Do I stop contacting her, or do I just be the 'bigger person' and continue contacting her even if it means getting emotionally hurt again and again?

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------

It's tempting to stop contacting her, but I don't think you have to go that far. You can avoid the pitfalls of walking into a trap with her, however. You pretty much know how she's going to respond to certain things -- so avoid bringing them up -- keep things light, and superficial. She forgets your child's birthday, okay, well, that's mom! You can't change her, and it's a lesson in futility if you try. She's your mother, but she's also a human being with fallibility and problems. She appears to not be capable, or willing to do any more than she is doing.  Some lousy parents mellow with age, some never do. But the definition of crazy is "Doing the same thing over and over, again, and expecting a different result." (Einstein)  Avoid falling into the trap of being that little girl who gets hurt because mom isn't who she wants her to be. Call her on occasion, and have no expectations. Avoid, at all cost, getting defensive. If she makes a negative statement toward you, change the subject. To continue to internalize her issues degrades all you represent -- a good mother, and a good person with a good heart.  It's long overdue for you to consider the source and carry on without hoping your mother will suddenly drink the "happy and caring" Kool aid. She got where she is, from her own, long and troubled history on this planet. It's sad, but it was no day at the beach for you, either. But you're a different person. That's good, and what you were taught by your mother is to do the exact opposite. Lesson learned!