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Boyfriend's Girl Friend
- By Miss Emily
- Published 04/28/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily,
Thank you for taking the time to read my email. I am 35 yr old woman and I'm dating my 43 yr old boyfriend..for about 7 months now. I am a bit torn as to how to address this situation. He has a female friend that he considers a train wreck -- and from the start of our dating, to now, has done nothing but tell me all the stupid things that she does and points out her bad qualities. She is selfish, and desperate for attention.. She is a 36 yr old single mother of 2 children, but the way he describes her you'd think he was talking about someone in high school. I have met her once, and it was very awkward and annoying because she behaved like she wasn't getting enough attention and kept telling me how great my boyfriend is, and she loves him. This very much annoyed me, and I think it wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't already formed an opinion of her. He says he doesn't consider her a close friend, but she is in his life -- and no matter what, if her name comes up it's always to share something negative about her. It bothers me that I'm so turned off by this person and I'm not even friends with her. I cringe at the mention of her name. Do you have advice on how to tell my boyfriend that I'm not interested in hearing about her anymore?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
You're cringing about this because you probably can't understand why he would be friends with a woman he doesn't seem to like. She does appear needy, and somewhat dysfunctional, but the problem does lie, I agree, with the way he denigrates her behind her back. It does not speak well of him. That said, I do understand that it's not uncommon to enable someone by accepting her (him) to her face, yet talking about her out of ear shot. It's cowardly but, again, common. Here's a quote from Oscar Wilde you can say to him, "Good friends stab you in the front." Tell him it serves no purpose to talk behind her back. If he can't be honest with her, so be it, but you'd rather have him talk about some of the good things she has to offer because you can't like her based on the things he's said." It's called taking the high road. But keep your eyes and ears open, as well. He does have some kind of attachment to this woman, and she simply cannot interfere with the relationship if you and he are to have anything long-term. If you see her, again, watch the interaction between the two of them and make sure there's not more there than he's letting on. I'm not trying to scare you, but make sure your boyfriend's attachment to her is nothing more than bitching and moaning about what he sees as her shortcomings..
Thank you for taking the time to read my email. I am 35 yr old woman and I'm dating my 43 yr old boyfriend..for about 7 months now. I am a bit torn as to how to address this situation. He has a female friend that he considers a train wreck -- and from the start of our dating, to now, has done nothing but tell me all the stupid things that she does and points out her bad qualities. She is selfish, and desperate for attention.. She is a 36 yr old single mother of 2 children, but the way he describes her you'd think he was talking about someone in high school. I have met her once, and it was very awkward and annoying because she behaved like she wasn't getting enough attention and kept telling me how great my boyfriend is, and she loves him. This very much annoyed me, and I think it wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't already formed an opinion of her. He says he doesn't consider her a close friend, but she is in his life -- and no matter what, if her name comes up it's always to share something negative about her. It bothers me that I'm so turned off by this person and I'm not even friends with her. I cringe at the mention of her name. Do you have advice on how to tell my boyfriend that I'm not interested in hearing about her anymore?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
You're cringing about this because you probably can't understand why he would be friends with a woman he doesn't seem to like. She does appear needy, and somewhat dysfunctional, but the problem does lie, I agree, with the way he denigrates her behind her back. It does not speak well of him. That said, I do understand that it's not uncommon to enable someone by accepting her (him) to her face, yet talking about her out of ear shot. It's cowardly but, again, common. Here's a quote from Oscar Wilde you can say to him, "Good friends stab you in the front." Tell him it serves no purpose to talk behind her back. If he can't be honest with her, so be it, but you'd rather have him talk about some of the good things she has to offer because you can't like her based on the things he's said." It's called taking the high road. But keep your eyes and ears open, as well. He does have some kind of attachment to this woman, and she simply cannot interfere with the relationship if you and he are to have anything long-term. If you see her, again, watch the interaction between the two of them and make sure there's not more there than he's letting on. I'm not trying to scare you, but make sure your boyfriend's attachment to her is nothing more than bitching and moaning about what he sees as her shortcomings..
