I am 31 year old female.  I have been with my husband for 9 years, our relationship started when he and I were both in serious relationships with other people.  I think this has always made me have trust issues with him.  I was not the 1st women he cheated on his former girlfriend with.  The problem I am having now is his friendship with a female co-worker.  It has been going on for over a year and we have fought about it many times.  Now he erases all his text messages and phone calls.  I get the phone bill so I know they text each other almost everyday and even though I know most of them are work related I also know some of them are not.  I don't think he is cheating but this relationship hurts me.  He always comes straight from work and never see her outside of work that I know of.  Finally, this weekend we decided to go bowling with her and her friends so I could at least get to know her.  I don't know if he told her I was coming along because when they saw me I felt like I ruined their night.  I tried to talk to her and joke but I got no response.  She even refused to bowl.  The entire night she just sat at a separate table speaking only with her friends except when I left to get beer or go to the bathroom she would go over to our table and talk to my husband.  I brought a friend with me as well and every time someone did good at bowling the girls at the other table would high five them, even my friend but never me.  When we left I told my husband how much this upset me and how uncomfortable it made me.  He said he would talk to her the next day at work and find out why she was like that.  Now when he got home tonight I asked if he talked to her and she said that me and my friend just sat there giving her dirty looks all night and it made HER uncomfortable. That is crazy!!! I was excited about the night and made the best effort to be friendly with her and the other thing is my friend doesn't even know that she is friends with my husband or that I don't approve of the relationship.  This upset me and I asked if he defended me and he just said he told her we tried to get her to join the conversation.  I don't feel like he defended me at all.  He also said I shouldn't worry about it because he will never try and have us go out together, again.  I feel 10 times worse about their friendship now and I don't know how to talk to him about it because we have fought about it so often he just gets super defensive, then just stops talking to me for the rest of the night.  I can't sleep I'm so upset, how do I explain to him that first it is inappropriate for him to text this girl all the time, second to then erase these messages and third I feel like he is not taking my feelings into account.

-------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------

All of your points are not only valid, they are right. One aspect of this is his defensiveness, and it could be related to him feeling as if you want to control his relationships. But that would be wrong-headed because, not only does he have a relationship with this woman, he had the audacity to think he was being fair by taking into account her side of the story, by doubting your word. Were the shoe on the other foot, I don't think he'd be quite so "fair." And if he were, he would not truly be invested in the marriage. The problem, however, is this: Although his position is unjustified, the more you make an issue of this, the more he sees it as your problem and not his to fix. Few people respond well to ultimatums, and to tell him to cease and desist, or you will leave, will only allow him to dig in his heels. What he is doing is thoughtless, disrespectful, and all the things you've told him -- but, now, it's time to say only this: "What you are doing is a detriment to our marriage, but I'm finished degrading myself as if this were some sort of competition. Do as you please, because I will not be put in a position of begging for something you seem incapable of giving."  And from there, I would make an appointment with a marriage counselor. He will probably take a pass, but you go. If cost is an issue, two or three times would be better than none. From that, you can face this problem with less of an emotional, and more rational mindset. As of now, I don't think your marriage is a complete wash, and I don't think he's having a physical affair with her (although that is a great possibility down the line). I believe he's simply delusional about her true intentions, but flattered by the attention she pays to him. I know you're angry and hurt, and you have every right to be, however, you need to hold your head high and stop allowing this woman to control your feelings. Your husband needs a wake-up call, not you. That said, a counselor will help you maintain your sense of dignity, while finding a solution to this all too common marital problem.